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Wuv, Twoo Wuv

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This story is No. 54 in the series "Life (And Unlife) In Sunnydale". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: In honor of Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of romance in Sunnydale. Feel free to remember Peter Cook’s hilarious take as the Clergyman reciting the marriage vows in The Princess Bride while you read this story.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Romance(Recent Donor)ManchesterFR1311,894171,26214 Feb 1414 Feb 14No
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters belong to their original owners.



There’s always somebody like them in every family: the disgruntled teenager who refuses to leave their bedroom and sullenly plays World of Warcraft 24 hours a day, the obnoxious older cousins/uncles/aunts that unfailingly embarrass everyone at the reunion for the relatives, and the disagreeable elders who’ve long ago lost any sense of affection towards their kinfolk. Also common to those unpleasant persons are an exceptional talent for knowing just when and how to cause the maximum amount of trouble for those innocents ill-fated enough to cross their path.

The Powers That Be in the Buffyverse had as well their own type of supreme nuisance that they’d really rather not talk about, or even stay in the same dimension with them. This unkind opinion was in turn held by one nameless being who considered those other powerful entities to be total losers obsessed with the hairless apes shambling around some mudball world. Thankfully, Nameless (who deemed this identification as good as any) much preferred to never visit or interact in any way with the rest of TPTB, unless it was for a very, very good reason.

Like now. Given how no mortal could ever possibly comprehend the desires and aspirations of the higher races, it’s best to dumb things down should it be necessary to explain the why of Nameless’ actions at this moment. In short, Nameless had run out of magical Cheetos and was conducting a midnight raid for more of these in that part of TPTB’s home dimension which might be best termed as the kitchen facilities. In between finding and scarfing excessive amounts of supernatural munchies, Nameless’ attention was caught by what his so-called peers had been doing at the lower regions of what’s-that-place…oh, right, Sunnydale.

Feeling a flicker of idle curiosity about just why the signs of a more fixated than usual scrutiny by the idiots were so evident, Nameless sent his own notice down there. Instantly comprehending what was happening around the California city, Nameless sneered and mumbled around a mouthful of faux-cheesy goodness, “That little prick? First Evil, my godly arse! I can see why those lice-picking primates were taken in by his big talk, but honestly, couldn’t my stupid family find something else better to watch? There’s a few trillion channels a lot more interesting than this!”

In the middle of digging deeper in the bag and coating his fingertips with even more orange powder while grabbing another handful of the finest example of Plato’s Theory of Forms regarding snack foods, Nameless abruptly froze stock-still. A very wicked idea had just occurred to him…

Now, in most cases, this would have ended throughout more prosaic, everyday homes with a trashed kitchen of left-open refrigerator and freezer doors, empty Hot Pockets packets scattered all over on the floor, and the counters and sink heaped high with dirty dishes and glasses. But, no, that wasn’t enough for Nameless, not when he had such a perfect opportunity to mess with the other Powers That Be presently away for the moment. With any luck, it’d be an absolute disaster for those morons. In all likelihood, nothing could be done by them but to cut their losses and go meddle with some other alternate Sunnydale dimension in yet another attempt to create a balance there between good and evil.

Fine, let them, Nameless mentally smirked. In the meantime, he’d have a little bit -- oh, all right, a whole lot -- of fun. Getting ready, Nameless banished the Cheetos bag and drew into himself as much mystical power as he felt necessary to twist both time and space enough to carry out such a delightful prank. Best of all, even if those primitives below should ever suspect who might be responsible, they’d ultimately agree that what happened to them was for their own benefit.

Nameless then cast an universe-altering spell towards the Hellmouth.



From the Revello Drive house’s living room where just a second ago they’d all been glowering at the First Evil in one of its intangible forms taunting them, Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Faith, Giles, and Xander simultaneously yelped out loud in shared shock right after they were somehow teleported out of the Summers home. The entire group then wildly looked around their new location, which just happened to be the rebuilt Sunnydale High School library. None of the humans noticed the First Evil still with them also had an expression of absolute astonishment upon its stolen face. Not when the Scooby Gang were now staring in disbelief at the other small band of people also at the other end of the library, which included someone they’d never thought to see again.

There, matching dumbfounded gazes were evident on the features of a much-younger Buffy, Willow, Tara, Xander, Dawn, and Giles. She also appeared to be rather disconcerted, but Glory the hellgoddess hadn’t otherwise changed in either her pretty-but-also-cruel countenance or the famous red dress.

Total silence stretched out in the book-filled room, until this was ended by a delighted voice saying, “You’re even more gorgeous than I expected!”

This was followed by the First Evil walking over to stand in front of a startled Glory having heard this fervent compliment. Glory, plus most of the others there, next blinked in utter surprise at seeing another Glory materialize while taking the place of the First Evil’s previous body. They were completely identical, down to the single hairs on their trimmed eyebrows. These specific parts of her body soon descended in growing suspicion while the Glory who hadn’t yet moved narrowed her eyes and demanded of the other, “Who’re you, and how dare you copy yourself from me!”

“I couldn’t resist it, Glory! It’s always been one of my greatest regrets that I wasn’t around then when you were acting so wonderfully vicious here three years ago. But now, whoever brought us together has done something I never expected and always wanted!”

At that point, just about everyone else had their jaws drop at the extreme weirdness they were hearing. Also as disturbing was how adoringly the former First Evil was regarding where Glory was looking quite baffled. Trying again, the hellgoddess insisted, “I still want to know who you are!”

Listening to the merry chuckle in the exact same voice she had, Glory was told, “Well, it doesn’t matter any more, but I called myself the First Evil.”

Now, an actual spark of recognition lit in Glory’s eyes, who then frowned before mentioning, “What? Are you pulling your usual scam here? Pretending to be the actual manifestation of wickedness, the sum total of what’s dire in the whole of reality, the--”

Giving a graceful shrug, other-Glory interrupted her counterpart with, “Oh, yes, but who cares now? I don’t need to bother anymore, not when I’d much rather devote my entire existence to being in your breathtaking presence.”

“Of course. Who wouldn’t?” matter-of-factly nodded Glory. She then glanced over her shoulder at the human insects staring at them both, before turning back to where her lookalike was still regarding the hellgoddess with all the esteem she fully deserved. “Hold that thought. I’m going to use the Key to get back home--”

“No, no!” interrupted other-Glory, doing a waggling forefinger possessing a perfectly trimmed fingernail as an additional negative gesture. “Able to duplicate those who die, remember? You got killed trying to do that, so you should consider another plan!”

Decidedly taken aback by that news, Glory hesitated before inquiring, “You mean, those weaklings here won?

“I’m afraid so,” sighed other-Glory. She went on, “But that was only because you were in too much of a hurry. Now that you can take your time, it’ll work far better the next occasion. May I make a suggestion?”

Glory nodded again, a bit warily this time.

“Right now, you could do with a bit of a break. Why don’t we both go away to someplace where we won’t be disturbed? Neither of us have any trouble living at areas those feeble humans can’t survive: the bottom of the ocean, inside volcanoes, what have you. We stay there as long as necessary in order to come up with a fool-proof scheme for you to regain your kingdom. That also has the advantage of causing the usurpers in that dimension to let down their guard. You have to admit, they’ll still be thinking you might return any second, what with you only being here as Glory for what, a few months? That’s no time at all. Now, on the other hand, we both have basically forever. Let a few hundred years pass, find the Key again, and attack your enemies when they’ve totally forgotten you!” After finishing her lecture, other-Glory beamed at where the original was definitely considering this.

After a few more seconds of contemplation, Glory acknowledged, “You’ve got a point, you know? I’m really bored with all this running around and brain-sucking and stuff that doesn’t get me anywhere. A little vacation in some lonely spot of this world where we won’t bothered is sounding better and better. If we pick the right place, I guess the decades will just fly by.” She paused to thoughtfully eye her delighted counterpart. “However, you better say more of those nice things about me. Do you know enough of them to last as long as we’ll be gone?”

Other-Glory looked even more ecstatic when she answered, “Oh, don’t worry about that! Remember, I’ve got in me every poet who lived. Blank verse, iambic pentameter, limericks, and that’s just the start of things. How’d you like Homer to write something for Glory that’ll put Helen of Troy in the shade? There’s so much I can recite to you--”

“Fine,” accepted Glory currently in a much better mood. Glancing around the room, this hellgoddess tilted her head goodbye in the direction of one of the Dawns gawking at her. “So long, whichever Key you are. Be seeing you around, a couple of centuries from now.”

Without bothering to say anything more, Glory flexed her legs with superhuman strength to shoot up at and then through the library ceiling. The immense crash of her departure past the roof was followed by the pattering of debris raining down onto the floor, along with a massive dust cloud billowing in the air.

Among the sudden coughing from all the humans there, the former First Evil and now other-Glory cheerfully called out to them, “It’s been fun, people! I had a great time, blowing up the Council, ordering around vile preachers, death and destruction, the whole thing! Now, I’m off to stay with the most fantastic, most beautiful monster who ever lived! Trust me, there’s no way I’ll be ending that too soon! A couple of centuries? Try nothing less than a thousand years, and I intend to make it last much longer!”

After saying that, another disappearance took place when this immaterial villain vanished from sight.

A little later on in the library when the dust had cleared, the younger Dawn Summers numbly trying to comprehend what’d just happened (including her seeming escape from that hell-bitch hooking up with her double) said to no one in particular, “Is it just me, or is anybody else hearing sappy elevator music?”

The End?

You have reached the end of "Wuv, Twoo Wuv" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 14 Feb 14.

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