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On the back of the turtle

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Summary: Xander didn't dress as a soldier this time... Overkill doesn't begin to describe it.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Teen Titans(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR1858,542198928,29210 Apr 143 Jun 14No

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I own neither DC nor BtVS.

"Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip," Xander sang to himself as he walked along the beach soaking up the sun, not that his eggshell white skin showed it. He'd been exiled from his world about a month ago, it was hard to tell time when you had no calendars.

Lying down on a boulder he'd found, shaped almost like a beach chair, he decided to take a nap. He had three hours before the tide washed up today's load of random debris.

As far as places to be exiled in, this one wasn't bad, a decent sized tropical island with a few interesting mysteries to solve and a steady supply of random crap that washed up on the beach. And it was definitely random. He'd gotten a crate of spandex biker shorts and a barrel of pickles the other day.

Even if he was alone he was fairly content with the price of his exile, so it was a relaxed and at peace Xander who awoke as a sword split his Adams apple in two as it cut his head from his shoulders.



Queen Hippolyta was surprised when the Amazon scouting party returned with a head on a pike. It was the head of a male with dark hair and very pale skin, made even more so by the lack of blood, though it did leave some unusual black markings around the eyes.

"The land has been claimed in your name my queen," Artemis said proudly. "While surveying our new land we discovered and executed a trespasser, a cursed male!"

"Just the one?" Hippolyta asked, realizing that sending a scouting party to claim the island did technically make any people there trespassers and subject to their laws, though Artemis' actions were a bit hasty.

"Just the one your highness," Artemis assured her. "We scoured the island and found it uninhabited." She didn't consider the male she'd killed an inhabitant so much as vermin to be exterminated.

If she'd known the island had been inhabited, Queen Hippolyta wouldn't have claimed the land, even with its sudden appearance next to Paradise Island, however the simple scrying spell she'd used hadn't shown anyone and she could hardly blame her warriors for her own mistake. "You have done well," she told her people, just before a roar of pure rage shook the heavens.



Xander awoke with the groggy feeling that one of his implanted memories informed him was caused by the fact that he'd just regrown his head. Fortunately, only having had spandex shorts to wear he'd absorbed a lot of sunlight lately so he'd regrown his head rather quickly. His confusion however soon gave way to rage as he heard the Amazons talking with their queen and he realized what had occurred.

Xander saw red.

The Amazons had no chance to defend themselves as they were battered and beaten about like leaves in a gale. If not for the numerous blessings the Greek pantheon had bestowed upon them they'd have all died from the first blow, instead they found themselves stacked like cordwood on the beach, all except for Hippolyta and Artemis, who were left untouched. The sudden appearance of the entire population in the blink of an eye shocked the remaining two Amazons before the battered condition changed that shock to horror.

"I believe in making the punishment fit the crime," Xander growled out, appearing next to the two on the beach linking the two islands.

The two untouched Amazons turned to see a male who looked to be the twin of whomever Artemis had beheaded standing there. However the line of dried blood around his neck spoke of a horrifying alternative.

"They did nothing to you!" Hippolyta shouted drawing her sword, even as she knew her efforts to be futile.

Despite Artemis' hatred for all things male she quickly threw herself on her knees. "It was all me, no one else was even involved in my actions!" She knew not what demon she had unleashed, but she was willing to sacrifice everything for her sisters.

"I said I believe in making the punishment fit the crime," Xander repeated. "If it was just being murdered in my sleep, the head of the person responsible would have sufficed."

"You killed him in his sleep?" the queen whispered horrified. "You didn't defeat him in battle?"

"I wasn't facing a warrior, just a male!" Artemis defended herself.

"However!" Xander said loudly to draw their attention back to himself, "since the queen approved of your actions it changes everything. I, Xander Harris claim your island as my own and as your laws state that any male that sets foot on your island shall be put to death, so too shall any female on my island receive the same fate, and you are all on my island!"

"No!" Hippolyta called out in horror.

Xander vanished and appeared near a stack of groaning Amazons with Hippolyta's sword in his hand. "I think I'll start with this pile."

Lightning struck the ground as a trio of females appeared in a flash of light and a roar of thunder.

"Hold mortal!" a toga clad woman with a bow over her shoulders ordered.

"No," Xander replied, no more willing to obey these gods than he was willing to obey the ones in his home world.

"Please!" a blond goddess pleaded.

"Will you at least listen before you act?" the last goddess asked, ink stained fingers clutching a scroll in her hand.

Xander looked at the trio of goddesses, recognizing them. "I will listen," he agreed, lowering the sword. "I may not obey, but only a fool would ignore the words of Athena or not spare a moment to enjoy Aphrodite's company."

"And me?" Artemis demanded.

"I could give a shit," Xander answered bluntly. "You could give a shit about me, so I feel that's fair."

"Yet you've risked your life to save my children before," Artemis said, resisting the urge to put an arrow or six through him.

"Those who fight to protect the innocent I support," Xander explained, "but those that would limit that by sex? I believe in doing unto others as they would do unto me."

"There is wisdom in what you say," Athena agreed, placing a hand on Artemis' shoulder to calm her.

"Not all of the Amazons want to go forth and slaughter everything male," Aphrodite said. "There are many in those piles that were badly treated by males and yet don't seek vengeance, just sanctuary. Is it justice to kill those?"

Xander winced. "Trust you to get straight to the heart of the matter. " He sighed. "Fine, those that hold no hate for the male gender in general, hatred of specific individuals being fine, are spared the headman's axe."

Aphrodite waved her hand and the majority of the Amazons vanished leaving a few hundred left.

"I would gladly take the place of any of my sisters!" Hippolyta begged, seeing Xander's anger had cooled. "Please, only two of us were truly involved," she begged. "And as Queen I am ultimately responsible for all my people's actions. Take me and let the others go, I am the one at fault."

Xander frowned, his fury cooling and his normal mindset slowly coming to the fore.

"I acted without orders," Artemis quickly added. "No doubt my queen would have acted differently in my place."

"Is there any way we could avoid bloodshed this day?" Athena asked as some of the less battered Amazons began to stir.

"I was planning on ridding the world of a group of sexist pigs who judge people and base their value entirely by what's between their legs," Xander said thoughtfully.

The slowly awakening Amazons were both angered and horrified at seeing a male (which was readily apparent as he as only wearing a pair of spandex biker shorts) holding their queen's sword while she was on her knees in before him. Even the presence of their patron goddesses couldn't keep them from whispering amongst themselves. Even Artemis found herself shaking her head, as Xander's face grew cold from listening to them.

"Enough!" Xander roared. "You two wish to take responsibility for everything that has occurred, and Athena has asked for a way to prevent bloodshed, so I have come up with a compromise from my original plan of beheading every Amazon here."

"What gives you the right to come into our sanctuary from the depredations of your kind and demand anything?" one Amazon demanded, hate blinding her to everything around her.

"Amazons invading my sanctuary, which the gods themselves granted me, and attempting to murder me in my sleep!" Xander growled his fury rising.

This time Artemis used her powers to quiet the Amazons so as not to anger Xander further.

"And you have come up with a way to prevent bloodshed?" Aphrodite asked hopefully, taking Xander's free hand and placing it on her breast while giving him her best puppy eyes.

Xander's temper cooled instantly. "Yes, the two Amazons who are most responsible for the whole mess are now my slaves."

There was a loud crack as Athena cold cocked Artemis before she could do more than look outraged.

"Leave everything you own here," Xander said. "Just as I came naked to Turtle Island, so shall you."

"Thank you," Aphrodite said hugging Xander and making him drop the sword.

Xander blushed and wished he was wearing something thicker than spandex to conceal his reaction, while Athena was having a quiet word with Hippolyta and the amazon named after Artemis. Xander turned and floated off with his back to everyone, while his two slaves stripped and listened to Athena.

Aphrodite turned to the recovering Amazons. "If you had given up your hatred towards men you would still have your queen."

Xander returned to his rock and laid back down trying to recover the peace he'd had earlier. He fell asleep almost instantly only to be awakened several hours later by the presence of two naked Amazons.

"What is your wish…master?" Queen Hippolyta asked, prepared for the worst while Artemis trembled behind her.

"Go to the stack of containers up the beach and find yourselves something to wear," he replied. "Fresh water is in the lake in the dormant volcano in the center of the island and there are various fruit trees scattered about. I'd suggest starting work on some sort of shelter unless you like sleeping outside like I do."

"And then?"

"No lying, or attacking me, see to your own needs and leave me the hell alone," Xander replied, really not wanting to deal with them.



"We've just received word of a disturbance at Paradise Island," J'onn announced in the JLA's meeting room.

Wonder Woman and Batman both turned to stare at him.

"According to initial reports your mother was kidnapped."

Typing by: The Last Primarch!

AN: I decided to see what would happen if I actually did overpower Xander.
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