Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Mass Effect Trilogy are copyright and not created or owned by me. References to characters, episodes and all other intellectual property related to them below are made for entertainment only and I do not profit from it in any way.
Note: Inspired by the below (non-sexual) prompt on the Mass Effect Kink Meme (note that meme is not suitable for minors and contains much which is nsfw). Basically pointless little one shot writing exercise.
Prompt: Your favorite moments from the dramatic space opera Mass Effect featuring an all Elcor cast.
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Shepard?” Buffy weaved gracefully through the oncoming foot traffic of the bustling Presidium. “In my experience you really don't want to read what the history books say about you, let alone alien opera singers.”
“Elcor don't really sing.” Commander Jane Shepard corrected, leading the way to their destination. “And it isn't really our choice. The Volus ambassador is just waiting for an excuse to be offended by Humanity now that we have a seat on the Council. Non-attendance tonight would be considered a grave insult.”
“I could give the Volus a list of far worse
insults.” Buffy suggested cheerfully. “ Just to put things in perspective.”
“Goddess – and you wondered why the Council races consider Humanity impatient and impulsive?” Liara asked with a small smile, still getting used to the idea of trading jibes. “It is just one night, Buffy.”
“Easy for you to say! You have ten times more days to live than most humans do. Would you watch an Elcor opera for ten days?”
“Says the girl who's lived longer than any Asari.” Jane pointed out, swinging her torso to avoid bulky Krogans and keeping a wary eye at waist-height so she didn't topple over any Volus hidden by the crowds.
Buffy would have replied, but both her companions ducked into a nearby entry way that she had almost missed. Caught in between two opposing flows of foot traffic, the slayer finally found an opening and double-timed it to catch up.
“So what do you mean that Elcor don't sing? Liara said it was an opera.” The blonde asked.
“Terms relating to culture and the arts are often difficult to translate.” Her blue team mate replied apologetically. “Opera is likely the closest comparable human art form. Elcor communication typically relies heavily on scent, subtle movements and subvocal sounds that our races cannot detect. Tonight's performance is a reinterpretation of the Elcor performance 'Battle of the Citadel' designed to be experienced by non-Elcor races.”
An ancient memory resurfaced in Buffy's mind of the longest and most torturous performance she'd endured – her stage debut as Jocasta in a talent show attempt at Oedipus.
“It can't be as bad as that.” The slayer thought out loud. “And why is it always the pointless and humiliating memories that stick with you for millennia!?”
“Humiliating...that sounds promising.” Jane commented as they found their seats.
“Ancient Earth educational tradition of embarrassing our young in front of large groups of peers.” Buffy explained.
“Oh!” Liara spoke up in what the slayer had come to recognise as her 'excited scholar' voice. “So Shepard's dancing is a cultural tradition?”
Shepard shot the oblivious Asari a glare as Buffy choked on her laughter.
“You two just volunteered to represent the Normandy at the next diplomatic event.” The Commander decided. “Now quiet, it's starting.”
“Implacable superiority;” The Elcor playing Sovereign continued in his seemingly monotone voice, “You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.” He raised and shook a meaty forelimb slowly toward the trio of Elcor actors costumed as Shepard's squad.
“Horrified exclamation: They're harvesting us.” Intoned the Elcor draped in a cape and enormous face-mask that was apparently intended to represent Tali'zorah. She raised a forelimb toward her faceplate and bobbed a little on her short rear legs in what seemed to represent a swoon.
Shepard-Elcor stepped forward. “Defiant challenge. You're not even alive. You're just a machine. And machines can be broken.” Her monotonous voice sounded sad about this, even while her words echoed Shepard's original impassioned challenge.
“Undaunted.” Sovereign Elcor responded. “Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over.”
The anti-climactic declaration cued blinding lights flashing red and the foul smell of burning electrics filled the theatre – the scent-theme for Sovereign. Clearly the Elcor were worried about being too subtle for their audience.
Hours later, the grand conclusion to the performance was met with enthusiastic stomping of feet, intended to emulate the Elcor's own fist-pounding of the floor to signal appreciation.
The three representatives from the Normandy just sat in slightly stunned silence.
“That was...a very well produced opera.” Liara spoke up diplomatically.
“I don't actually remember hoards of Elcor standing between Saren and the Citadel Tower.” Shepard responded slowly, apparently worried that a sight akin to a herd of elephants had dropped out of her memory.
“That was like an action movie narrated by Eeyore.” Buffy decided. “I liked Elcor Joker the best.”