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We Make Everything Deader. Sometimes.

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Summary: Here at Veridian Dynamics, we understand that sometimes life doesn't always end at death. Maybe your new god used a sarcophagus because he 'liked your body', but maybe you woke up without a soul, and while that sounds cool, it can get out of hand...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Better Off TedjoshlamontFR13176021187311 Jun 1411 Jun 14Yes
Disclaimer: I neither own nor claim the rights to either Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Better Off Ted.

Sorry, I'm not alive yet! This is something I had hanging around on my hard drive. Hope you all enjoy! And if any of you have never seen Better Off Ted before... DO.

“Someone has put a vampire in our lab!” Phil hissed.

I blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

Someone has put a vampire in our lab!”

I glanced skeptically at the ‘vampire’. “Guys, there’s no such thing as vampires. That’s just a… really… pasty… person.”

“It really is a vampire!” Phil shrieked.

“Here,” Lem said grimly, tossing a cross toward the grimy man. He screamed and jumped back, his skin burning and smoking where the cross had touched… it.

“Wow. There really is a vampire in here,” I said calmly, forcing my heart rate to go back down under two hundred. I turned to the boys. “Okay, I’m going to go talk to Veronica and see what’s going on. You two stay here and… don’t get too close. Or open any vents, I hear some vampires can turn into bats.”

“I hear some of them can turn into mist!” Phil cried as I walked out of the room. “What if it goes up our nostrils and turns back into a vampire inside our heads?!”

“Calm down, Phil, that’s not going to happen,” Lem said reassuringly. “We would explode into tiny pieces and then the vampire wouldn’t be able to drink anything. He’s way more likely to drain our bodies and then turn us loose on an unsuspecting populace.”

“I can’t be a vampire, Lem, I’m already too pale!” Phil paused. “Would you become more like a mocha-flavored vampire, or would you still retain your African-American chocolate?”

“First of all, the proper term is ‘Blackula’,” Lem said, pushing his glasses up his nose.

“You mean you can get even more black?” Phil wailed. “That is so unfair!

“Veronica, why is there a vampire in Lem and Phil’s lab?” I asked, poking my head in her office.

“Oh, darn!” Veronica exclaimed. “Why did you have to remind me, Ted? Did I kill your horse? Did I raze your house to the ground or poison your well? Why do you have a well, Ted, for God’s sake, we live in the city!”

“I can’t tell you why I did it until you tell me what I reminded you of,” I replied mildly.

Veronica sighed. “I’ve got a meeting later today with Wolfram and Hart.”


Veronica hates meeting with Wolfram and Hart. She says they’re too oily and smug, like an oily and smug sea pelican that knows it’s just conned you into giving it a personal bath. She also doesn’t like the fact that they seem to know more than she does. Not, of course, that they do, but that they seem to. She finds it very irritating.

“They want to know how our anti-vampire research is going. I didn’t even know we had any anti-vampire research going, Ted!”

“We don’t,” I said dryly, “And we probably won’t if corporate’s solution is to chain a vampire to Phil’s desk. You know how he is about the undead.”

“Oh, Ted, it was only the one time! And it was just a little zombie.”

“AAAIEEEEEEE!” Phil screamed as he ran for the door. “IT’S GOING TO EAT US ALL ALIVE!”

“Stay strong, Phil!” Lem shouted. “It’ll have to bite through me before it gets to you!”

“But then you’ll be one of them, Lem,” Phil paused, turning from pounding on the door with his fists. “And that would make me terribly sad!”

“I know,” Lem replied solemnly, grasping Phil’s shoulders. “But you’re the only one I can trust to shoot me properly. In the head. No groin shots.”


Veronica smiled fondly. “I liked that sloth. True, it was slow, but the important thing is, it was determined. Determination will get a person a long way, Ted. Just look at where I am today!”

“About to go into a meeting with Wolfram and Hart?”

“Dammit!” Veronica cursed. “There you go again, Ted! Seriously, did I steal your wife?”

“…I think I have to honestly say I would have preferred that, as scary and mentally disturbing as that is.”

“So you’re saying it’s because I didn’t steal your wife. Of course, Ted, blame a woman because she didn’t pick up on the fact that you wanted her to ravish your sexy, curvaceous life-partner behind your back!”

The End

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