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Life of Oxnate

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Summary: He's *not* the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Monty PythonOxnateFR18174501490321 Jun 1421 Jun 14Yes
The Life of Oxnate

by Oxnate

Disclaimer: Do not own Buffy or Monty Python

Summary: He's *not* the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

A/N: It’s all rafestark’s fault. First there was the Fight of the Lumberjack Which I wrote and had rafestark post. Which led to this Which leads us here.

Chapter 1. Repression.

“Umm, excuse me, young girl. I don’t think you should be out so late this time of night.” Buffy chided.

“What? Me?” the ‘girl’ in question stopped and turned. “I’m not a girl.” His long ponytail flipped over his shoulder.

“Boy. Sorry. I just didn’t think someone your age should be out this late. It’s kind of a rough neighborhood.”

“Umm, Buffy?” Willow tried but the Slayer waved her off. Never mind, Buffy would figure out that the ‘boy’ was a vampire soon enough. … Probably. She shared a look with Xander who shrugged but palmed a stake just in case.

“I’m 52.” the boy said.

“What?” Buffy asked.

“I’m 52. I don’t think I qualify as young any more.” the boy repeated.

“Sorry, I couldn’t just call you ‘man’.”

“You could say ‘Dennis’.” Dennis said.

“Well, I didn’t know your name was Dennis.” Buffy defended.

Willow and Xander had dropped back a bit. “Do you think she realizes yet?” Xander asked.

“He did say he was 52.” Willow pointed out. At a look from Xander, her shoulder’s slumped. “You’re right. She doesn’t have a clue.”

“How can a Vampire Slayer be so bad at identifying vampires?” Xander asked rhetorically.

“Well, you never bothered to find out, did you?” Dennis replied to Buffy.

“I said I was sorry about calling you a girl. But from the back you looked like a girl.”

“What I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior.” Dennis said.

“Well, I am the Slayer.” Buffy pointed out.

Willow and Xander shared a surprised look. Maybe she had figured it out.

“Oh! Slayer. Very nice.” Dennis said sarcastically. “So you just go around killing vampires simply because we exist! And perpetuating the myth that vampires and humans can’t coexist in our society! If there’s ever going to be any closure-”

“Dennis, I found this lovely dog!” a female?-ish Vampire called from the window of a nearby abandoned factory. It was hard to tell her sex through the warts and pockmarks scarring her face. She was holding up a dog that looked half starved and full of mange and yet looked more attractive than her. “Ooo! How do you do?” the ‘lady’ sketched a bit of a curtsey.

“How do you do. I’m Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.” Buffy answered back.

“The what?” the lady asked.

“The Vampire Slayer.”

“What’s that?”

“I... slay Vampires. It’s kinda self-explanatory.” Buffy said.

“I didn’t realize we had a Slayer. I thought humans were dangerous enough on their own.”

Dennis jumped in. “That’s how it starts. First there’s one Slayer in all the world, then there’ll be two. And no one will say anything because what’s one or two super powered girls? But after that... thousands. There’ll be blood over this. Mark my words.”

“Oh there you go, bringing blood into it again.”

“Well that’s what it’s all about. It’s always about the blood.”

“You know what? As interesting as this banter’s been. Can we fight now? I have class in the morning.” Buffy interrupted.

The girl winced. “You shouldn’t have said-”

“Oh, don’t talk to me about class.” Dennis said. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to look like you’re ten forever? Do you have any idea how many people ask me what classes I’m taking in school or how many times I’ve been stopped for breaking curfew? It’s astounding. I walk...”

Buffy tried several times to interrupt Dennis’ long and rambling speech. “Be quiet! Be quiet and fight me! I’m ordering you!”

“Order, eh? Who do you think you are?” the lady asked.

“I’m the Slayer!” Buffy said.

“Well, I didn’t vote for you.”

“You don’t vote for Slayers. It’s not a popularity contest.” Buffy explained.

“Well then how did you become the Slayer?” she asked.

“Well, there was this dream...” Buffy began.

Dennis scoffed. “Listen. The incoherent ramblings of your subconscious mind are not a basis for supreme supernatural power. Supreme supernatural power derives from a mandate from the Upper and Lower powers, not from-”

“That’s it!” Buffy shouted as she swung for Dennis.

“Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Come and see! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!” Dennis shouted into the night.

“Shut up!” Buffy said before finally staking him.

“I think I made my point.” he said before he dusted.

“Always did have to get the last word in.” the girl said. “Now where did that dog go?”

The End

You have reached the end of "Life of Oxnate". This story is complete.

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