The Ultimate Battleship
By Nopporn Wongrassamee
Summary: Third in the Ultimate Scooby Gang series. The gang deals with their ultimate relationship issues.
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to whoever owns them. I’m just too lazy to look up who they are.
"How can they be here? They do not exist in this reality."
"Who cares? They just are!"
"Who are they?" the Advisor asked. The others turned and stared at him as if he was a strange alien creature completely oblivious to the local culture. Which he was.
Being the only human among these... creatures, the Advisor wondered what they were chattering about. His hosts had varied and bizarre obsessions that were barely comprehensible to the human mind. The Advisor wondered what had set them off this time.
One of the critters twitched a whisker. He recalled that this one was named Malana. "How can you not know them?" Malana asked, her long ears lowered in mourning of the Advisor's ignorance.
"Sorry, I'm only human," the Advisor said tersely. "Now who were we talking about?"
"Why, the Scooby Gang of course," several of the creatures replied.
"Oh, them," the Advisor grumbled. Having lived with these guys – they called themselves the Plaht - for so long, the Advisor was sick of hearing about the Scooby Gang. Not that his hosts noticed; they were rabid fans.
“What is their status?” one of the others – the Advisor thought he was Guffey - asked.
“Single!” replied Arieanna.
“What? All of them?” exclaimed Kamikaze in amazement.
“Yes, all of them!”
“No!” the crowd gasped in horror. But their eyes belied their words, lighting up with what the Advisor recognized as the realization of opportunity. Babbling suggestions immediately flooded the area. Some even hopped from foot to foot in joy.
“We can’t let this go on!”
“We must help them.”
“I have just the significant other for Willow. He…”
“No, no. You gotta pair her with…”
“So basically, you guys run all over the multiverse offing bad guys?” Ozitron asked as he took a sip from his latte. He was in wolf form, presenting a strange picture to the onlookers. “Hey, this is good.”
“Yup,” Willow replied. “Although we usually go after the really Big Bads, and we wind up causing a lot of property damage, but hey, property damage was no problem last time because the property WAS the Big Bad, and what’s your deal?”
If Ozitron was taken aback by Willow’s babble, he didn’t show it. Instead he just gave a wolfy shrug. “I’m a Transformer,” he said simply.
“You know, you could be a bit more forthcoming on the information,” Willow said to him. “Like, what exactly is a Transformer, what were you doing on Unicron, why are you disguised as a wolf which I must say is a pretty good one cause just looking at you I can’t tell that you’re more than a wolf without magic and of God, I’m babbling, why don’t you stop me?”
“I like it when you babble,” Ozitron replied.
“This is really freaky,” Willow commented.
“What is?” he asked.
“I dated a guy named Oz once,” Willow told him. “It was years ago in my home universe.”
“He was a werewolf.”
“Oh.” There was a few moments of silence as Ozitron digested that fact. Finally, he asked, “What’s a werewolf?”
“…perfect for Buffy, not like…”
“…but Buffy is obviously his sister. Let’s put her with his best friend…”
The Advisor gritted his teeth at the sound of Buffy’s name.
“…make Buffy his daughter instead. Then she can…”
“So, Angel, what are you doing in…” Buffy paused. She turned to the Bartender. “What city are we in again?”
“Toronto,” Lacroix supplied helpfully.
“Right, thanks.” Buffy turned back to Angel. “So what brings you to Toronto, Angel?”
“Art show. I do art,” Angel replied spastically, temporarily disconcerted by Buffy’s odd question. How could she not know what city she was in? He tried to regain his equilibrium. “And you?” Oh, yes. That was suave.
“Celebrating a victory over the latest Big Bad.” At Angel’s confused look, Buffy explained further. “There was this moon-sized demon thingy that was about to devour the Earth. My friends and I stopped it.”
“Really? Where?” Angel was pretty sure he sounded sincere, hard as it may be hearing her ludicrous story.
“In an alternate universe,” Buffy replied. “I think you gotta take the left at Albuquerque to get there. Or something like that. But enough about me, you said you do art?”
“Uh, yeah, I mean yes!” Angel replied, snapping out of a twilight zone fugue. They were now on a subject that he was fairly confident about: himself. “I draw, sketch, paint. I have some pieces entered into a big art show.”
“Wow,” Buffy said. She didn’t actually seem to be impressed, but Angel had her undivided attention anyway. Maybe he was more charming than he thought. “Can I see some of your work?”
“Certainly,” Angel replied, smiling. “I have a lot of stuff back at my hotel room. I’d love to show you.” He stood up from his bar stool and offered his hand. “Would you like to come and see?”
“I’d love to,” Buffy said, smiling in return and taking his hand. As they left the Raven, Buffy added, “And Angel? No biting on the first date.”
“…ought to be with Xander not…”
“…but Xander is obviously meant to be with…”
“…she has to attempt kill him at least once…”
The Advisor shook his head. How the heck did Xander manage to survive all this time in the company of a Slayer? It was enough to make the Advisor jealous.
“…and then make up afterwards…”
“That is the craziest story I had ever heard,” Anya scoffed after Xander explained his origins. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Anya,” Xander replied. “In fact, we…”
A tinny musical score interrupted him.
“Hold on a sec,” Anya told Xander as she drew a cell phone from her coat and answered. “Hello? Clem? Yeah, dump the Enron stock, all of it… I don’t care how well their stock prices are doing, that growth rate in the last quarter was pretty fishy… just sell the stock, Clem. Bye.”
“Gee, Ahn,” Xander drawled as Anya put away the phone. “It’s nice to know that some things never change, regardless of what universe I’m in.”
“And how do you know so much about me?”
“Would you believe we were engaged to be married in my home reality?” Xander asked.
“No,” snorted Anya. She frowned. “What do you mean by ‘were engaged’? What happened?”
“I, ah, got cold feet,” Xander mumbled.
“Typical male,” Anya muttered.
“Y’know, if we’re not going to try to kill each other, maybe we ought to hold this conversation inside,” Xander suggested, waxing at the Raven’s back entrance. “C’mon, I’ll buy you a mocha.”
“Hey, you do realize that this coffee shop is a vampire hangout, right?”
“Yeah, definitely taking at least a couple stars off its quality rating for that one,” Xander replied. “What’s your point?”
“Just wanted to be clear that you knew what you were walking into,” Anya said. “Besides, I’m working and my target is in there.”
“I’m a bounty hunter of sorts,” Anya explained. “There’s a vampire in there who left a lot of broken hearts behind him. A few of them hired me to take off his head.”
“Ooh, avenging scorned women?” Xander said. “Who’s the lucky slob?”
“He’s called Angelus.”
“…don’t forget Giles! Can’t leave him by…”
The Advisor rolled his eyes at the antics of the Plaht. They had all this tremendous power and all they could think to do with it was play matchmaker. Truth be told, they didn’t really understand human behavior. That was why he was there.
A high pitched, very loud whistle pierced the noisy debate, bringing it to a staggering halt. With their sensitive ears, the Plaht all winced in pain. They all turned their attention to the Advisor.
“Listen up, folks!” the Advisor called out. “I’m your expert on human behavior, right? Let me do the matchmaking for you. I’ll guarantee that I’ll make all your wishes come true.”
“You would do this?” asked Chelle.
“Of course,” Demadavis said, nodding sagely. “You have a personal stake in this.”
“You bet your furry hide I do,” the Advisor replied.
As the Plaht considered, the Advisor saw that he had won them over. They were just convincing themselves that it was their own idea. He smirked. Oh, he would give the Plaht everything they wanted all right. At the same time, the Advisor would get his revenge on the Scooby Gang as well.
Author’s Note: I would like to thank the following for the use of their names.
Denise Davis (Demadavis)
Kelsey Brennan (Kamikaze)