Title: Silent Grief
Author: Jinni (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Warning: Sad. Season 7 SG1 spoilers. Serious spoilers. As in, for tonight’s episode, part 2 of ‘Heroes’. Read –no further- if you don’t want to be spoiled!
Disclaimer: All things SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, et al.
Distribution: Wow, if you want this depressing piece, just ask.
Author’s Note: I’m sniffling, crying right now. If you watched tonight, then you know what I mean.
Summary: He carries the grief of his heart on the inside, because of secrets he never meant to keep.
The stiff collar of his black shirt felt painful against his neck, as he stood with hands clasped in front of him, eyes to the ground. In the background Sam was talking, giving a eulogy so painstakingly prepared that anyone could feel the emotion coming off of it, not just those that were friends with the woman it now memorializes.
But the words meant nothing to –him-. A pale shadow of the turmoil in his heart, he keeps his eyes fixed on that spot, just at the edge of the ramp leading up to the ‘gate, refusing to look up lest all the feelings he’s kept so hidden for what seems like an eternity come pouring to the surface.
Because no one would understand. They couldn’t. It would be another blow to their world to find out that he had cared for her as more than just a coworker? More than just a friend? How would it destroy them to know the secret that –
Daniel bit the inside of his cheek, feeling his eyes well up with tears. Wasn’t it just yesterday that it had all began?
“Quite a mess you got yourself into this time, Doctor Jackson.”
Daniel smiled softly, nodding at Janet’s wry assessment of his current situation. He lifted his arm obligingly when she motioned for it, raising his eyebrows in question as she first took his pulse, then his blood pressure. “Something wrong?”
“Other than the obvious?” she snorted with a gentle roll of her eyes before turning her smile on him. “If you ignore the broken ankle and the taped ribs, you’re fine Doctor Jackson. You can go home today, in fact.”
“Great,” he breathed, preparing to hop down off the narrow hospital bed. Home away from home or not, he didn’t want to be in the infirmary any longer than necessary.
Except, that was a lie, he reminded himself. He didn’t mind being in the infirmary so much when Janet was around to keep him company. No matter how many patients she had to take care of, she always managed to find time to strike up a conversation when he was in there for any prolonged period of time. Like now. She hadn’t really needed to check his vitals. Again. She just was coming to make sure that he wasn’t. . .lonely.
And he liked it.
Perhaps a little more than he should have.
Then again, she liked it just as much as he did.
“We can’t do this.”
“Why not?” Janet whispered, her eyes going wide. “You’re not my subordinate. We’re not on the same team. We –“
“No, Daniel – tell me why we can’t do this? Because its wrong? What does it matter if we do this?”
“Because you could be wrong. What if this ends with one of us getting kicked off the SGC? Would you still be happy with me if that’s how it all ended?” His voice was soft, quietly pleading; eyes boring into hers for understanding.
She inhaled sharply, her chest rising beneath the crisply ironed shirt of her uniform; and he feared that she would argue further against the points he’d made. They were making a difference for the entire world here. It was so much more important than giving in to what they were feeling.
Even if that feeling was steadily becoming. . .love.
Wasn’t their work a higher purpose – just like he’d always believed?
“What if –“ Janet licked her lips, looking up into his eyes. “What if we didn’t tell anyone? What if it was just you. . .and me.”
“You deserve better than a hidden relationship,” he sighed, unable to give her the frown that he felt simmering just below the surface of his face.
“No,” she shook her head. “I deserve –you-.”
Sam’s words were droning on, whispered mumblings to the pain in his heart. He risked a glance up, to the wreaths and flowers that decorated the ramp to the ‘gate. She’d gone through to save lives. . .
And hers was taken instead.
It wasn’t fair, he wanted to scream. She had someone that loved her, too. Himself. Cassie. She had a –family-, even if part of it had to be hidden from the world. Not even Cassie had known what he shared with Janet. Not even she could share this grief that had filled his very soul, encompassing his heart until he felt that the pressure alone would be enough to kill him.
He blinked back his tears, wet eyes glancing over those that had come to pay their last respects. It was at that moment that Sam’s words hit him.
She was going to remember Janet through those that she’d saved.
“Major Samantha Carter. . .Doctor Daniel Jackson. . .Colonel Jack O’Neill. . .”
The names went on and on. She’d done so much good during her time with the SGC. She’d saved so many lives, made sure so many families didn’t have to go through what he was going through right that minute.
She’d been an angel. A living, breathing angel.
Now he knew what she must have felt like when he Ascended, leaving her to this Earth, forcing her to hide the pain she felt from everyone else. Just as he was doing now, with her memory still alive and vibrant in his heart, fueling the agony that the knowledge she’d never be in his arms again brought. But, whereas he had come back eventually. . .she would never again draw another breath. This wasn’t Ascension – it was death.
He could see the room slowly emptying, eyes still locked on the ramp. . the podium where Sam had spoken. He didn’t want to leave, though. Didn’t want to make it real by saying his goodbyes.
“C’mon, Danny. You, me – some beer and pizza.”
Daniel looked up into Jack’s concerned eyes and wondered, for one brief second, if his best friend –knew-. Just as –he- knew that Jack was head over heels for his second in command. He forced a tight smile to his lips, despite the pain in his heart.
”Sure, Jack. Sounds good to me.”
Maybe this silent grief wasn’t so silent, after all. Unspoken. But not silent.
Not silent between him and Jack, who could understand on some level what it was like to hide your feelings from the world.
Not silent with every breath he took.
Never silent in his heart.