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Cranky Pants Juice

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Summary: Someone sneaks into Hogwarts for a little payback. (20 minute April Fools challenge)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > General > HumorechoFR1511,864082,3433 Apr 043 Apr 04Yes
title: Cranky Pants Juice
author: echo
rating: 15
summary: Someone sneaks into Hogwarts for a little payback.
disclaimer: Not mine. The HP characters belong to Rowling. The BtVS ones belong to Whedon.
challenge: 20 minute April Fools.
note: This was a bit longer than 20 minutes simply because I got to giggling about certain things, and then I couldn't think of a way to end it.
note2: Meant to be a bit silly.


Harry and Ginny stood silently as Malfoy kept his wand on them. He was gloating. His silver eyes gleamed in triumph. The prefect had caught the both of them. Out. After hours. With dung bombs.

This was bad.

Draco Malfoy was so excited, Harry wouldn't have been shocked if the prat actually had a hard-on because of this.

"I have waited six years for this." He sneered. "And a whole year for YOU..." He spat at Ginny. "For that stupid bat bogey hex."

Ginny clutched at Harry's hand. Malfoy would not be able to see it due to their robes and how close Harry and herself were standing, but she needed his strength just now. Nothing was meant by it. She would have done the same if it were Ron at her side. Harry squeezed her hand in response, understanding. They were in this together.

"What have we here?" A smooth voice called from the shadows.

Harry's last glimmer of hope died a horrible flame-y death. There was no way of getting out of this scrape without losing many house points, getting a great lot of detentions, or possibly being expelled now. Snape walked out of the dark... with a very evil gleam in his midnight eyes. More evil than usual.

"What have you captured here, Mister Malfoy?" Snape purred as he slipped around behind Malfoy.

The strangest look passed over Draco's face as he did.



"Did you just... was your hand just..."

"Just what?" Snape whispered as he leaned very close into Draco's personal space.

Harry was watching in horror. Ginny's mouth was actually gaping open. Before Draco could react, Snape swooped down and kissed the ferret-y git right on his pale lips. Harry could not keep himself from gasping aloud. This was worse than horrible. He was getting to see the two people aside of Voldemort that he disliked most in the world... make out? He could not stop his shudder of revulsion. The only way this could be worse was if it was Uncle Vernon kissing Voldemort.... or possibly Peter Pettigrew and Aunt Petunia. Bellatrix Lestrange and Dudley?

Harry shivered again. Best to stop thinking such nasty thoughts before he lost his supper.

Malfoy shoved Snape away and wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand. He stared at Snape in shock for several seconds. Then he turned and fled. Quickly. Snape chuckled in a very un-Snape manner.

At that, Harry's eyes narrowed. "Who are you?"

The Snape thing put its hands on its hips in a very feminine manner and cocked its head to the side. "Wouldn't YOU like to know?"

"Actually, I would, so that's why I asked."

It giggled then. What a strange sound to hear from Snape.

"Why?" Ginny asked.

It snorted. "It wasn't for either of you, if that's what you mean. Joke isn't meant to be on YOU. I was looking for Draco Malfoy. He needed a bit of ruing the damn day... if you know what I mean. Payback is a bitch and so am I." The Snape face turned almost pouty and coy. Stranger and stranger. "It was just a little joke. Don't they have April Fools around here?"

"I ask again..." Harry said suspiciously. "Who are you?"


Harry chewed his bottom lip.

"Ooooo. You're sorta sexy when you do that, Potter."

"Don't call me sexy when you're wearing a Snape suit. I would guess you female."

"Correct." She said, smirking coquettishly. Also a strange thing on Snape.

"Is it a glamour?" Ginny asked. "You do look so like Snape."


"Polyjuice then?" Harry asked, digging into his own masquerading as others experiences.

"Correct again, Potter." She said as she leaned back against the opposite wall and folded her Snapey arms across her Snapey chest.

"This is a balls-y move." Ginny added. "I would say you're a Gryffindor, but none of them are clever enough for it save Hermione and myself... and I doubt she would. Too many broken rules for the Head Girl, and I'm right here, so..."

"Not a Gryffindor... and not Hermione."

"It's a very clever trick..." Ginny continued. "A Ravenclaw, perhaps?"


"You're not a student." Harry said.

"Oh, but I am."

"But not at Hogwarts."

"No, not at Hogwarts, you clever guesser, you." She said with a wink.

Harry laughed aloud then. He knew exactly who she was. She'd winked at him in just that manner upon their first meeting as she walked away after. Harry was also delighted that she'd called him sexy earlier... even if it had been in Snape-voice. He'd been instantly smitten upon seeing her and was delighted that she might possibly feel the same. Harry was about to reveal her identity when a voice interrupted him.

"What have we here?"

"Oh shit." She muttered.

It was the real Snape.

"Bugger. The actual Snape." Ginny muttered. "What are the odds?"

"Potter... Weasley, back to your... tower! Now!"

Harry grabbed Ginny's hand and rushed off. He wasn't going question their good fortune. He just hoped the object of his affection didn't get into too much trouble. Snape couldn't REALLY punish her. She didn't go to school here.

But Ginny sure questioned once they were safely back in Gyff tower. "Harry, Snape took no points."


"He took no points. He gave no detentions. He never passes up an opportunity to punish you."

It was too true. "Perhaps he was too shocked?"

Ginny made a face at him. "Or perhaps 'he' wasn't Snape either."

"What are you saying?"


Snape One glared at Snape Two.

"Would you like to tell me what you're doing here at this time of night... Dawnie?"

Dawn's Snape eyes went wide. "How did you... who are ...."

The Snape opposite her was wearing the resolve face.


"Someone left a cauldron full of goo a'brewin in her room. With a text next to it telling how to make polyjuice, so I decided to have me a sip... see who was lurking in the goo. Imagine my surprise when I looked in the mirror and realized someone had been cooking her up some Cranky Pants Juice. So I was wondering... why the disguise? What could she possibly need to do at Hogwarts that required another face?"

Dawn just stared.

"You're supposed to answer me here."

"Oh! You know when we were here two months ago?"


"And that blonde kid said that really nasty thing to Buffy with his sneer-y face?"


"Well, I found out his name was Draco Malfoy."

"Uh huh."

"And I found out he's a prefect, and he patrols the halls at night. I got a map of the school, memorized it, stole a bit of that Snape guy's hair when he chaperoned the students' visit to the Watcher's Council, and started my brew. It was in one of Giles's books."

"So gonna have a talk with Giles about leaving the dangerous books where mischievous people can find them easily."

"Anyway, so I borrowed some robes. Did you know Giles has like five sets of all black robes?" She took in Willow's current attire of all black robes. "I guess you did."

"And you did... what... exactly tonight?"

"Groped Malfoy's butt and kissed him."

"Dawnie..." Willow groaned, which sounded hilarious in Snape tones.

"Malfoy's got a nice ass, Will."

She groaned again. Professor Snape was a teacher. Draco Malfoy was a student. Snape could get into real trouble for this. She'd have to smooth things over. As much as she thought Snape was an old sour puss, she didn't want him fired for sexually harassing a student. Especially when he hadn't actually done it.

"I'm sure Harry's butt is better, but I don't think he'd let me go feelin' on him lookin' like this."

Willow was about to respond when they were interrupted.

"What in the devil is going on here?"

Both girls gasped, a funny sight considering they were both very much still Snapes. Funnier still, because their intruder was the actual Severus Snape.

"Run." Willow hissed out the side of her Snape-ish mouth to Dawn.


"I can handle myself here, Dawnie. Tried-to-end-the-world girl here, remember? Now... flee."

So run Dawn did. Her hour was almost up, and she didn't want to be caught in the school out of her Snape disguise.

"Stop!" The actual Snape shouted. "I command you to stop!"

As he reached for his wand, Willow tackled him to the floor. She didn't even consider using magic. She usually did without these days, so naturally, her attack was a physical one. Snape actually growled as he wrestled her across the floor. Of course he didn't know she was a she. It was likely a comical sight. Two Snapes rolling across the floor in a power struggle. And he was stronger than he looked.

When they finally ceased their rolling, one was atop the other... naturally.

But the one on the bottom started quivering. The skin and muscles shifted and bubbled until nothing was left save long red hair, wide mossy eyes, and pale skin in black robes that were now far too big for her.

"Rosenberg." Snape hissed.

"Evening, Professor Snape. Nice night for a stroll, init?"

He scrambled to his feet and roughly pulled her to hers. "What is the meaning of this?! I demand an answer!"

"April Fools?"

"Utter nonsense! Who was the other impostor? Was it Summers or Harris? Or perhaps Giles?"

"Like I'd tell you. I don't rat out my friends, mister personality."

"I could make you talk."

Her eyes went wide. "You're gonna torture me?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. Truth serum."

"Oh. Oh, I knew that."

He raised one brow at her. "Come along, Rosenberg."

"I'm not just gonna follow you, so you can worm the truth outta me."

"I will not worm anything. I merely thought you'd like a bit of tea by the fire. I was going to needle you until you told me what you were up to just to silence me. There will be no worming."

"Well, I'll tell you just one thing... because I don't want you to get into trouble."

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrow again as he started walking in the direction of the dungeons dragging her with him by her arm.

"You might want to tell Draco Malfoy that you don't like him that way... and it wasn't really you."

"What?" He stopped walking. "What's not really me that... what exactly? What have you done?"

"It wasn't me."

"Fine." He snapped. "What was done to the boy?"

"A little joke was played on him." Willow said, eyes sparkling in mischief.

Snape's eyes narrowed. His hand tightened on her upper arm. "What sort of little joke?"

"Nuh uh. After tea."

He glared at her.

She knew he'd be glaring all the more when he found out that Draco Malfoy thought he had kissed him and felt his backside up though.

Willow just hoped Dawn never wanted to play a joke on her. She played too rough.



The End

You have reached the end of "Cranky Pants Juice". This story is complete.

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