Title: Battle On
Rating: fluffy the bunny
Characters: Anya, Xander, Dorn
Universes: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Baldur’s Gate II
Disclaimer: I own no one, not Anya, Xander or Dorn. Please do not sue the impoverished grad student.
Pairing: None specifically, lots of leering on Dorn’s part.
Notes: 20 Minutes with Anya challenge. My husband loves Baldur’s Gate. A lot. As such, I watched this game being played with every character possible. I think my favorite, at least comment wise, was Dorn, and something struck me the last time I watched it: He’d be a perfect person for Anya to interact with. Throw in Xander’s love of video games and bad luck with magic: voila, instant challenge response. I do hope you enjoy. For fans of the game, you should recognize the last line as the advertisement tag line for Dorn’s online video advertisement. It’s hysterical, and to watch it yourself, go here:
~~~Battle On 12:20~~~
Xander should really have learned to keep his mouth shut. Really. Just a few simple words and he’d done it. Again.
With a sigh, he rubbed his face and turned to face his former fiancé, wincing at the bright grin on her face. “Anya…”
She arched an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips. “Xander…” she taunted back.
“You know I didn’t mean it. Take it back.”
She pretended to consider his request for a moment before shaking her head. “Nope. Don’t think so. You wished, I dished, and here we are.”
“But this wasn’t a vengeance wish, Anya, you can’t do this.”
Her eyes flashed. “I can’t? No? Let me tell you something, Xander Harris, I can do whatever I please. I couldn’t get anyone to wish anything awful on you after you abandoned me and it sucked! Now you go do it yourself, and I don’t even have to turn you down this time. Fair and square, you made your mess, and now you have to get out of it.”
Xander clenched his fists and opened his mouth to retort before slumping in defeat. No matter what he said, she was probably right in feeling a teensy bit justified in his current situation. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know she was back in the vengeance fold, fulfilling the natural demon order of things, and he had to go shoot his mouth off. He noticed a large boulder nearby and sat down with a sigh.
“I know, Anya. And I probably deserved worse, honestly, but why here? And how do I get out of it?”
Anya picked up a twig and stripped it of leaves one by one. “Dunno, Xander. This is your wish. You’re the one who, and I quote, ‘wished your life was as simple as a video game sometimes’.” She looked around. “What video game did you wish yourself into, anyway? I just went with what you were playing.”
He blinked, thinking. “Baldur’s Gate II.”
“Is that the alien one or the vampire one?”
“The adventure one with weapons and magic and holy crap!” Both Xander and Anya jumped back as a giant dog-like creature with entirely too large fangs crashed through the underbrush. Before Xander could gather his wits and find something to defend himself with, the dog thingy, kobold or some such, gave an awful shriek and was cleaved in two by a monstrous sword slice, spraying blood everywhere. It collapsed in a lump, spilling gold beneath it. Anya’s eyes went wide as she whispered, “Xander, is that what I think it is?”
Xander was getting around to explaining the logistics of the world of Baldur’s Gate when from the bushes emerged a hulking heap of a man with a feathery cap wearing what appeared to be a skirt. Xander had a moment of sinking suspicion before the fellow gave Anya leer.
“Why hello, fair maiden, what brings you here?” The barbarian, for that’s what Xander remembered he was, stepped closer and took Anya’s hand. She regarded him for a moment as he kissed her wrist, then smiled.
“Hello yourself, big guy. I’m Anya.”
“And I am Dorn.”
Xander groaned. The barbarian turned his way. “And who might you be, little man.”
“Xander,” he ground out, trying not to take offense at the little man comment.
Dorn scooped up the gold coins from under the beastie and sheathed his sword. “What brings you so far from the cities? You are too delicate to be traversing these woods all alone.”
Anya batted her eyelashes and eyed the pouch of gold. “You bet your booties we are. Lemme ask you a question, Dorn, do all creatures around here vomit money when you kill them?”
The barbarian puffed out his chest. “Why, yes indeed. This is the reward given to all adventurers who strike out to make a fortune in these lands. The bodies of thine enemies offer great bounty.” Anya looked speculatively at Xander before laying her hand on Dorn’s arm. The barbarian beamed down at her.
With a growing sense of dread, Xander watched the capitalist wheels in Anya’s head turn round and round. “So, Dorn, what about you? Do you spread the wealth or whatever when you die?”
“Oh, no,” he laughed heartily, “I merely begin again at the latest save point. The great Dorn does not die.”
With an avaricious gleam in her eye, Anya looked back at Xander. “So what he’s saying is that everything you kill—“
“Or smash or destroy,” Dorn added, whacking apart a wooden barrel and snatching up the vials of liquid inside.
“Everything you destroy, kill, dismember or whatever, gives you gold or other goodies with great monetary worth? And you can’t die, you just start over?” Anya fairly vibrated with excitement when Dorn nodded. Xander raised his hands in defense when she grabbed his shirt and clutched him close. “Alright, Xander, you’re going to play this game and get me lots and lots of money. When it’s all over we can go home, wish fulfilled.” Her eyes took on a dreamy quality. “Death, dismemberment and lots and lots of money.”
Dorn took the opportunity to oogle Anya’s breasts when she grabbed his arm again, pulling him through the forest.
Xander tromped after them with a sigh, muttering under his breath, “Battle on, Dorn, battle on.”
~~~The End: 12:40~~~