Morph to Something Special
by Countess Mary
RATING: PG - NC17 for adult situations
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I am a poe poe soul and I would feel very sad if you took my toys away. Joss and 20th Century Fox own my toys but they let me play with them sometimes.
THANKS: To my various beta readers: VampAmy, Purple Feen, and anyone else I've forgotten.
NOTE: I've been working hard to try to get this thing updated. That includes going through and editing the story a bit. (I've got issues.) I promise I'll finish this puppy. It has some issues as far as point of view because I wrote it over the course of several years. (Not that you'd know it to look at the size of it.) I've also restructured the parts of this so now it's only four parts. I hope you enjoy.
SUMMARY: Dawn and Spike start a relationship with a bit of a rocky beginning. Morph Part 1
When I was 5 years old I knew I was different. I had always felt it deep inside. I always felt as if there were something hiding inside of me waiting...waiting for the time to come when it could come out. I hadn't expected that when I was 15, I would find out that I was really a mystical ball of energy. I couldn't have dreamed at 5 that I would be riddled with guilt over the death of my sister. How could a child's mind have even put together such a horrible chain of events that would lead to the death of the very person I was made from?
When Buffy died, everything changed... none of us knew how we were going to live without her and none of us really wanted to. The world seemed to swallow us up. Her dying didn't mean that the evil stopped coming. We didn't think anything could be worse than not having Buffy, and then she came back... it got worse, at least for me. Now, I sit at the Sunnydale bus station and think about how everything came to be as awful as it was.
I thought having her back would be so wonderful, but I had changed so much in the few months that she had been gone. I couldn't go back to the way I was, I don't know if that person even exists anymore. I couldn't be the Dawn I was before. I don't even think that I want to. The old Dawn was spoiled, selfish, and utterly uncaring about the world around her. I'd like to think that the summer changed all that. I'd like to think that I ran through all my childhood issues and came out clean on the other side. I'd like to think that I did it all on my own, that I needed no help, and that I didn't wake up nights screaming Buffy's name. I'd like to think all those things... but they simply aren't true. The only reason I survived those months, the only reason I'm happy with who I am, the only reason I still live at all can be summed up in one little word... Spike.
The first week was the hardest. I would wake up in a cold sweat reaching for her. I wouldn't know where I was and for a minute I would think she was still alive. After the first few days, I stopped sleeping altogether because I couldn't stand to wake up and have to realize she was dead all over again. The whole gang tried to help me, but I would lock myself in my room and refuse to come out. I wouldn't eat or speak to any of them. Finally, they went for the last resort... they called Spike to see if maybe he could get to me.
At first, he would just sit outside my door and talk to me. He would tell me what everyone was up to, which Passions episode was running this week, and stories about his past. He would sit there for hours just talking to me. Days passed and I didn't say a word. I just sat there leaning on the other side of the door listening to the sound of his voice. I could only sleep when he was there talking to me. When he would get up to feed or stretch his muscles, I would awaken instantly and wait for him to return. At the end of the week, I opened up the door and he was just standing there waiting.
"Hey Nibblet", he said as he pulled me into his arms. I held on as if letting go would end my whole world . I just stood there in the safety of his embrace and took in his smell. I could smell the crypt, his cigarettes and his cologne. I could smell the wind outside. I could smell the days beginning to change. I could feel that things were about to change in a big way.
I came out of my room more, and I started eating again. I would go outside sometimes, but only at night. I could face the sunshine, but I couldn't face living in the real world. I spent most of my time with Spike. I would help him slay demons and vampires. Sometimes, I would sit with him in his crypt and just listen to story after story about his life before Sunnydale. Sometimes we would talk about movies and music or whatever came to mind. Sometimes, we sat there in silence for hours. I grew accustomed to just be with him. The nights with Spike were what got me through the long sunlit hours. Slowly everything changed. It started with going to the movies with Tara. We would go to the park or to the mall and hang out for as long as I was comfortable. When I said, "Let's go home." she would leave with no questions asked. I stayed out longer and longer each time. It got to the point where I was spending more and more time out in the sunshine. I was talking to my friends from school again and I was getting ready for school to start in the fall. I was still sleeping at Spike's crypt because it was the only place I could sleep and not wake up reaching for Buffy. The gang would have objected if they hadn't seen what he had done for me. I think we were good for each other. He was helping the gang more, I was turning back into a "normal" human being, and we both could sleep as peacefully as a vampire and a former key could be expected to.
I have no idea when things started to morph into what they have become. I have no inkling as to when my feelings for Spike started to change from protector and friend. I do remember the night I told him I loved him. That evening will be forever etched into my mind.
"So how was the slayage?"
"It was bloody awful! I've got vamp dust everywhere and I mean everywhere! Xander and I took down about 8 on our way BACK from the cemetery where we had already dusted 12. I've got to hand it to the guy though, he's become quite a fighter."
"Well, hail the conquering heroes."
"If you must." Spike said in a posh accent while taking a bow.
"It's nice that you and Xand are getting along now. I seem to remember a time when you said that you wouldn't bite him if he were the last human standing on earth."
"Yeah... it only took Buf... Oh, I'm sorry Dawn." he said as Dawn flinched at the sound of Buffy's name. No one ever said it anymore, at least not around her.
"It's okay talk about her, Spike. When we don't say her name, I feel like we're trying to forget her or something."
"We're not trying to forget her, luv. We're all still on 'Dawn red alert'. I know that I can say just about anything I bloody well please around you, but the others are a little more skittish when it comes to you."
Her heart was racing even at his casual address to her as "love".
"I know they're nervous, but they don't have to be. I miss Buffy, and I will miss her for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I don't want to hear stories about her, and to talk about her. I hate that they're all wiggy when I come around."
"Yes ma'am I will let the rest of the troops know that they are to avoid 'wigging' when you are around. All Buffy stories and references are now in the clear. Ma'am yes ma'am."
"You are such an idiot, but that's why I love you." she said before she even realized she was saying it.
"So you love me 'eh? I knew it all along. Why go after the slayer when I have the key to the universe right here in my hot little hands?" Spike teased as he pulled her into his arms.
Dawn's heart started beating like a drum and she fought to hold on to her self control while she was in his arms. She let her eyes trace the trail from his chest, up his corded neck, past his lips, and into his eyes. Spike realized at that very moment, she wasn't kidding around with him.
"You really do love me."
"Don't be weird Spike, of course I love you, you are one of my best friends in the whole world."
"Then why did you just look at me like you wanted to take a bite out of me?" he said, lifting an eyebrow in her direction.
"I have no idea what you are talking about, Spike." Dawn said, her entire face and neck flushing red and the conversation.
"Yes you do." as he grabs her hand. "If you don't feel anything for me then why is your heart beating like crazy right now? Why does it speed up when I come into a room? Why do you blush when we get ready for bed every night?"
Dawn could see no way out. She had never planed on telling him. She also never planned on vampire hearing to come into the equation.
"Alright, fine. I love you." Dawn breathed as she pushed herself up for a kiss. She fully expected him to pull away as soon as she touched him, after all he was in love with her sister... he didn't. He slid his hand from her back to her neck and splayed his fingers in her hair. He pulled her closer, deepening the kiss, caressing her tongue with his, causing her to moan into his mouth. After what seemed like an eternity in his kiss but what was really only a short moment, Spike pulled away and looked into her eyes. Dawn was all flushed with wanting. Her mind was boggling at the fact that she had just kissed Spike, her first real kiss, and, even more mind blowing was the fact that he'd kissed her right back.
"I love you. I think I always have." Dawn said with both a tremor and confidence in her voice.
"Bit, you don't love me. You couldn't possibly. I mean, I'm a bloody Vampire and you... you... I don't know what you are but it doesn't mix with creature of the night, whatever it is." Spike said while chastising himself for allowing the kiss to go on as long as it had.
"WHAT? Are you joking? I haven't felt safe and normal with anyone else in the world and you're telling me we don't BELONG together." Dawn's voice was raised and spiraling out of control.
"Don't fucking call me that, Spike! These last few months, you and I have grown close enough for you to call me by my name... it's Dawn, in case you don't know." she said as she turned from him and started up the ladder to the top part of the crypt.
"Dawn." She stopped her ascent and turned back to face him. "I don't know what you want from me. You sodding Summers women are bloody baffling to me. I have no idea what to do when it comes to you. Dawn I was in love with Buffy for a long time, and she wasn't capable of loving me back. I'm afraid that I'm using you as a replacement for her. I don't want you to feel like you are second best, when it simply isn't true."
Tears were evident in her voice and her eyes as she walked towards him, brought her hand up to his face and smiled, "What do you mean you're using me? What could you have used me for? We don't do anything together but talk and lay around, and you listen to me go on for hours about the crap I'm thinking about. How do you see that YOU are using ME?"
"I feel like I'm using you to get over her."
"Spike, we're all using each other to get over losing Buffy. How do you think people get over the deaths of their loved ones? Why should you be any different?" she said while running her hands through his hair. He was covered in dirt from slaying that night, she smoothed some off his cheek.
"But I wouldn't want to do that to you." he said taking her hand and removing it from his face. "You have enough grief to handle all on your own, you don't need me to add to it with mine."
"I love you. You've been the only thing right in an entirely wrong world. I would give up my life to spend the rest of eternity with you."
"Dawn, don't talk like that. You make me want to do things that just aren't possible."
"What do you mean?"
"Things like this." he said as he morphed and grabbing her to him, exposing her neck, and running his vampire teeth along her jugular. Amazed, he noticed that her heart wasn't beating fast, he couldn't smell fear on her, and she just sighed with contentment. He let her go, but she didn't move away from him. She clasped his hands in hers and drew him closer.
"I don't say things I don't mean. When I said I love you, I meant it. When I said I would die to be with you, it means I would DIE to be with you. Don't think that I don't know who you are. Don't think that I'm going to try to change who and what you are because they are a part of the man I fell in love with. I wouldn't want you any other way."
Spike sighed and slid his hands from hers. His fingers ran up the side of her waist and made their way up her arms, neck, and tangled themselves in her hair. "You are treading on some dangerous ground, Dawn. I think I love you too." The kiss that followed reminded Dawn of a combination of sunflowers, moonlight, and a volcano irrupting all at the same time.
That was a month ago and things got better and better after that. We were having our one month anniversary when the demon biker gang realized that the Buffy Summers in Sunnydale was really a robot. All hell broke loose and it brought Buffy back with it.
I should have been happy. I should have been so delighted to have my sister back. I should have been so many things that I wasn't. I saw the look in Spike's eyes when she walked down the steps. Love. It was shining out of every inch of him and it wasn't love for me, it was the love he left behind when Buffy died.
I used to try to make people say Buffy's name, but right now I just can't bear to say it. I just can't bear to be left by the one person in the world who made me feel whole. Which brings me here, the bus station, where I'm all packed and ready to go. I've convinced Buffy and my father to let me live with him in LA. Dad is in Europe right now so Buffy dropped me off an hour ago and I'm waiting for a bus that is already twenty minutes late.
I just can't bear to be here and watch Spike fall in love with Buffy all over again. He knows that I'm leaving and I don't think he's even thought about trying to talk me out of it. When I told him, he looked like I had just told him that my dog died. He was concerned but not involved. It cut at my heart to see him like that. I'll always love him even if it's only for that one summer. He brought me back from desolation and taught me how to live again.
"Why did he have to go crawling back to a woman who doesn't love him?" Dawn said as she pulled her knees up to her chest.
"Who are we talking about?" a voice in front of her said. She looked up, and there he was.
"What are you doing here?" she said, the emotion bubbling up in her voice.
He pulled her up off her chair and into his arms. "This" His lips closed the distance between them as he kissed her doubts and questions away. Both lovers hands touched skin to skin, Dawn to make herself believe it was happening, Spike to make sure she wouldn't get away. Spike pulled away from the kiss and looked into her eyes, "Why would you leave me?" he said before kissing her again, but this time with ferocity.
When they finally pulled apart Dawn spoke, completely confused at what had just happened. "I thought you wanted to be with Buffy. I couldn't handle sitting there and watching you fall back in love with her."
Spike smiled and gazed into her eyes. "Dawn, the only Summers woman that I have EVER loved is you. I never loved Buffy, I was obsessed with her because she was something I couldn't have and it was driving me crazy."
"But what about..." Dawn started.
"No, let me finish. When she came back I was just so shocked that I didn't know how to feel about her anymore. You stopped staying at my crypt, so I was all alone with my bleedin' thoughts for two weeks. All I could do was sit and try to figure out how I felt about her."
"But when I went to tell you I was leaving, you acted like you didn't care." Dawn said, forehead bunched with confusion.
"Luv, I didn't know what to think about it. I was going through this short and ill-advised period of stupidity. I though you didn't want to be with me anymore, that now that Buffy was back you didn't need anyone." He took a deep breath and looked straight into her eyes. "Then I realized that you were only leaving because I was being a jackass. It took me a long time but I now know I love you Dawn Summers and I never want to lose you again."
Dawn kissed him while tears spilled down her cheeks. She never imagined anything like this could happen to her. She never knew life could be so wonderful. She never believed Spike would love her as much as she loved him. If this was the turn her life was taking, she knew she could get used to it.
Spike pulled away, picked up her bags, and put his arm around her, leading her out into his car. She came home to an ecstatic Buffy, Willow, and Tara who all knew Spike had finally wised up and snatched her from the bus station. They all met her with mountains of hugs and then discretely slipped out of the house so Dawn and Spike could be alone.
"I can't believe this is happening to me." Dawn said, sitting on the Summers' living room couch.
"Well, you might as well get used to the idea because I plan on sticking around for as long as you'll have me." Spike said, pulling her onto his lap and giving her a short kiss.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure we could use someone around to do the heavy lifting, and you do fight pretty well so you could help Buffy with the slaying so... I guess we'll keep you."
"I do have some other uses." he said raising a scarred eyebrow.
"Here let me just show you..."