Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership to the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor to the characters from Angel.
A/N: For more information please read This land is your land, and Running into friends of friends. (Though this is set in the Penultimate-verse, and you could also read Syringa Vulgaris, Pulmonary and Artery, while you’re at it.)
"My, my," Buffy grinned at Dawn. "Aren't we grandiloquent."
"Someone's been spending way too much time with the Watchers," Dawn muttered.
“I would like to point out,” Buffy said. “That I wasn’t the one who spent the word antedate to define how Angel is older than Spike. Besides, I got excellent SAT scores.”
“Yeah, after you’d spent three years in the company of a Watcher.”
“I was naturally articulate.”
“They gave you points for speaking it?”
“No,” Buffy swung her pretty little purse from her place on the counter in the Hyperion. “I got the points all by myself, writing them, thank you very much.”
“So when are you going to tell the two cranky vamps, one of which predates the other.” Dawn was sitting in the staircase.
“I don’t know. I mean, I have had sex with both of them.”
“TMI,” Dawn squeaked. “Besides, they can’t be the father, or unless I completely missed out on something.”
“Face it, Dawn. I’m not going to tell you. Besides, isn’t Connor evidence that vamps are fertile?”
“But you do know who the father is right? You weren’t so horny after slaying that you just jumped the first male you found, regardless of species?”
“One. Someone spent too much time with Faith. Two. I’m not Faith. Three. I happen to like yoghurt. Four. I think he was human.”
“You mean you didn’t know?”
“Didn’t know what?” Angel, Spike, Giles, Wesley and Gunn came in from their hunt. Angel asked.
“There are a bundle of things the Slayer doesn’t know, Poof.”
Buffy stopped swinging her purse and glanced irately over at the men.
“Spike, maybe you should keep quiet?” Dawn asked. “I’m not in the mood for sweeping up vampire dust, tonight. Besides, Buffy’s got something to tell you. Go on, Buff. Now you can do all the scary ones at the same time. Do, as in the meaning of tell them not actually…”
“Yes, Dawn,” Giles winced and held up a hand to stop Dawn and the images she created with her words. “You had something to tell us, Buffy?”
“My car is okay, right?” Angel had been forced to relinquish his beloved car to Buffy for the day. And since Buffy hadn’t returned until after he was forced to go out on an expedition with the other men, he’d worried constantly.
“Your car’s fine. I, however, am anticipating.”
“Anticipating what, luv?”
“I’m getting big.”
“Told you you should stop eating so much ice-cream,” Gunn said. “And you’ve been lazy lately. It goes straight to the hips. Not that I would know anything about that,” he looked around. “Piece of advice from Cordy.”
“I’m about to get bumped.”
“I thought you were over the sex thing with Spike,” Giles said while Wesley backed closer to the door.
“You’re a vampire?”
“I’m fertile and fruitful.” Buffy held her breath. When were they going to get it?
“You’re about to grow fruit?” Angel asked.
“What, guests, luv? If that’s the case, you get to clean up the bedrooms.”
“Not really, you’re just sitting on your ass, white girl.”
“I’ve been knocked up.”
Spike got it then. “Bloody hell, Slayer.”
Wesley had to ask. “Goodness gracious. Are you hurt?”
Dawn had never had so much fun before.
“Guys, she’s pregnant, preggers, got a bun in the oven, with child… any of this ring a bell?”
“You’re pregnant,” Giles plopped down on the stairs. “How did this happen?”
Spike drew in a breath of air, despite not needing it. “If we need to tell you that, I’m suddenly feeling very sorry for any lady you’ve been entertaining. Bloody hell, Slayer, it’s not mine, is it?”
“Thought so, but ever since Peaches here managed to reproduce, I’ve been slightly worried myself.”
“Nothing to worry about. At least not with me.”
Angel had managed to regain power of speech. “You’re pregnant.”
“Mhm. At least that’s what the doctor and 20 different pregnancy tests said.”
“How did that happen?”
“The usual way?” Gunn asked. “At least I assume you manage to do something the usual way, girl.”
“Yup, usual way. Pelvic area met pelvic area.”
“And sometimes it’s not even that. There are lots of ways…”
The six voices that shouted simultaneously “Dawn” was enough to get her out of that room.
“Who’s the father?” Wesley asked.
“No one you know.”
“Buffy, we need to find him, make him do the right thing.”
“How pregnant are you?”
“Miami?” Angel did some quick calculating in his head.
“Mhm,” Buffy confirmed.
“Miami?” Giles asked.
“You remember when I chased after the Gievlos demon?”
“Yes,” Giles replied.
“I ran into someone there, after I was finished. I felt alone, and we had a couple of drinks. Together. Well, one thing led to another,” Buffy shrugged. “And here I am.”
“I demand you tell us who the father is,” Wesley walked towards Buffy. “Every child has the right to a father.”
“Wes, the threatening didn’t work when you were my Watcher, and it doesn’t work now. The kid doesn’t need any more fathers than it already have, just in this room.” Buffy looked at the men. “If there’s something Hank and Giles taught me, it’s that biological doesn’t matter. What matters is the time spent together. And I know you guys will always be there.”
“Always? Because I’ve already brought up one baby.” Angel muttered.
“You didn’t even have to do that for long, man. Now’s your chance to do all the things you didn’t get to do with Connor.”
“Like pre-natal check-ups? Because I’ve already been to one of those and I’m not going near one again.” Wesley stated.
“Oh, you big baby. Just because Cordy had several demon babies in her stomach, it doesn’t mean that Buffy will. You don’t do you?” Angel asked.
“Not as far as I know, no.”
“I can’t tell you enough how much I don’t enjoy this,” Giles said. “Breathe.”
“How do you think I feel?” Buffy said. “I come here every time with a different man, or vamp as the case is for two of them. I feel like the biggest slut in the universe.”
“I am breathing, hence the not-vampire Buffy.”
“Are we going to do this, or are you just going to act like a petulant child?”
“I’m breathing, I’m breathing.”
“I still don’t see why you couldn’t have brought Dawn?”
“Because, should I happen to go into labor while she’s at school…” Buffy breathed loudly as the Lamaze instructor was passing by them. “I need someone with me. Which means that all of you are lucky enough to be selected.”
“Well, how about Anya, or Willow then?”
“The feeling of sluttyness is more than enough at the moment, thank you very much. I don’t particularly want Anya here to announce just how much babies really cost. And as much as I love Willow, it would feel weird to have her here. She’s been insisting that I’ll do this the natural way, which means no-drugs.”
“Yup. And when I squeeze this thing out of my body, I’m going to want drugs. Really want drugs.”
“Ehm, yes. That would be natural.”
“Giles is feeling the urge to take of his glasses and polish them,” Buffy sing-songed through the breaths.
“I have just never seen so many pregnant women in one place before.”
“Well, welcome to my life.”