Can't take the Honkytonk out of the Girl
Title: Can’t Take the Honky Tonk out of the Girl
Author: Maria/Lady Maria
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, SG-1, JoA, or the song, Can’t Take the Honky Tonk out the Girl. The first belongs to Joss, the second MGM, the third CBS or someone, and the fourth is Brooks and Dunn.
Author’s Note: Sorry this took so long…
Yeah, Connie came back for her second cousin’s wedding.
“So Cassie will make it, right?” Joyce was flitting about like a hummingbird on crack, or rather, like she was the mother of the bride.
“Yes, Mother,” Buffy said impatiently. “My maid of honor will make it, even if it kills her.”
“At the rate Buffy’s going,” Anya chirped helpfully, “that will happen. Most likely, she’ll be bludgeoned to death with a shovel.”
“No,” Tara disagreed, “that’s saved for potential spouses. Cassie will just find inanimate objects hurled at her.” The witch was sitting on Buffy’s counter, swinging her legs and gazing at the familiar apartment.
There were boxes everywhere; Buffy and Gunn had bought and purchased a small house just outside of L.A that Gunn had already been using when he wasn’t at the Hyperion. Buffy was in the middle of moving in with him. She’d used this apartment while she’d attended UC-LA for law school but the house had been bought nearly three years before with the day they moved in together in mind.
That way, they would both be able to get into L.A. to go to work but be far enough out for peace of mind. Gunn was content to continue working for Angel even though both he and Buffy had reservations about what would happen once the souled vampire found out about the imminent marriage. And Buffy had been hired on by Smith and Klaxon as a junior partner; she’d been an intern for several months before graduation.
Willow watched her extended family with a faint smile. This was what she missed, when it was just her and Anya back in college. This was what she missed now that it was just her, alone in a great big East Coast city working as a computer programmer. Sure, she had a semi-steady boyfriend, but it wasn’t the same thing as this chaos. This was home to her.
“She says she’s bringing her boyfriend,” Buffy sing-songed.
“She’s back with Dominic?” Joyce looked interested.
Willow stared at her in amazement. She’d thought all the adults knew about the mystery boyfriend. “No way would she ever be back with Dom. But this new boyfriend, we don’t really know much about him. We just know his name’s Kevin.”
“And they’ve been together for like a year or so,” Anya volunteered. “They have enjoyable orgasms from what I understand.”
Buffy picked up her purse as she stood up. “Guess we’ll find out more soon. She’s coming in on the four-thirty flight and Kevin’s coming too.”
First time she’d been home in a year or two
Across the city, Angel Investigations had a unique issue to deal with. Cordelia had had a vision of two young women—both around fifteen or so—falling out of two joined portals several hours before. In the vision, the younger one had been featured strongly, and the older one had only been glimpsed.
The seer had, however, been adamant that the older one was a younger Faith. Not by much, she kept maintaining, but still younger than when she’d died.
“Has anyone been able to find Gunn?” Wesley asked irritably.
Cordelia shook her head from where she stood near the wall of an abandoned warehouse. “He turned his cell phone off.”
“Why he and Angel even have cell phones escapes me,” Fred commented.
“It’s not my fault I don’t understand that piece of…of…of technology!” The vampire burst out.
“You say ‘technology’ like it’s a bad thing.”
Angel stayed in the warehouse as the others skittered towards the warehouse next door to grab the two teenagers. Then, in a quiet voice, he muttered, “That’s because it is. We got along without it just fine before, you know.”
Out in the warehouse that Cordelia had seen, the four ‘detectives’ stood above the two unconscious girls.
“I told you that she was Faith.”
Wesley nodded. “That’s quite true. However, it still doesn’t tell us who the other is.”
The brown haired teen had just opened her eyes. “My name is Dawn Summers, and something tells me that I’m not in my dimension anymore.” Under her breath, she muttered almost sub vocally, “Thank the Powers that Be it worked.”
“Summers?” Wesley asked curiously. “Cordelia, do you know—?”
“Summers?” Faith had just opened her eyes. “Linda told me about Buffy Summers.”
“You haven’t met Buffy?” Cordelia looked shocked. For that matter, so did Dawn.
“How would I meet a girl who died over a year ago? Some dude called the Master drowned her. Kendra got to do the cleanup.” Faith looked very confused. And then her eyes widened. “That spell…That spell Kakistos fired at me…It called upon the powers of the key…Was that why I ended up here?”
“What?” It was Dawn who spoke this time. “My older sister died at the Master’s hands, but not permanently. Not until last year, when she died to save the world…” Her voice trailed off as she wondered if she should finish. If she should tell of the demons who had come that summer intent on enslaving the world. They’d killed the wholesomely good witches first, those witches that refused to submit to their cause second. And then they’d started in on the humans. If she hadn’t been the Key, if she hadn’t bled, if Willow hadn’t told her what to do before her death…She’d be dead too. Dead at sixteen years old.
It was not something she wanted to contemplate especially while looking at the bitch that had pretty much ruined her life. Only, she knew that this wasn’t the same Faith who’d refused to leave her jail cell to help save the world. This Faith…she was different. Different than she was in the memories the monks had made.
“That happened here too,” Cordelia said slowly. “Then Kendra was called; Drusilla killed her. That called our Faith. Due to extenuating circumstances, the Council decided to kill Faith shortly after the Class of ’99 graduated. That called Annabelle; she’s the Hellmouth Slayer now that Little Miss Lawyer’s got a life.” She mentally added, “Not that we know what’s going on in it.”
Faith sucked in a breath. “I’m dead?”
“My sister’s a lawyer?” Dawn looked nearly as shell-shocked as Faith.
“Come along,” Wesley said slowly. “We should get back to the Hyperion. We can discuss this then.”
“Fine by me,” Dawn shrugged.
“Five-by-five,” Faith sighed. “As long as you tell me what those extenuating circumstances were.”
“I think you killed someone here and went evil,” Dawn said candidly. “You did in my dimension.”
“Oh my god.” Faith blanched. “I am so sorry.”
“No big,” Dawn smiled, “you’re not the same person you were here or in my dimension. Different things happened, you know?”
And Cordelia wondered how Buffy, any Buffy, had a sister, a sister who had known that she might end up in a different dimension.
Just in time for the rehearsal dinner,
Her eyes flitted across the airport and came to land on her cousin. Small and petite as ever, Cassie noted. And still connected at the lips to her long time boyfriend. Striding up to the two, Cassie shoved them apart. “Save it, Weapons-Boy.”
“How did I get that name?” Gunn asked for the ten thousandth time in two years.
“Look up your last name,” Cassie snapped. The two had gotten off to a rocky start to begin with, and it had barely improved. Cassie had never thought that Gunn deserved Buffy after how the two’s romance had gone. “Of course, I doubt you’re that smart though.”
“Why did the hellspawn come?” Gunn looked at his fiancé with a raised eyebrow.
“Don’t call my cousin the hellspawn,” Buffy sighed. “Cassie, stop insulting my future husband.”
“Key word there is future,” she snarled quietly. “That doesn’t guarantee that he’ll actually survive to see the wedding.”
Kevin just tried to blend into the background. He had no doubt that Buffy, who seemed very homicidal, was going to find him at any moment and start in on him.
“Yeah, well your boyfriend will be dead meat by the wedding,” the bride said pleasantly. “Where is he?”
“Hiding behind me,” Cassie sighed. “She really won’t kill you, Kev.”
“I don’t kill humans,” the Slayer spoke up. “I will maim you though. It might relieve my stress. Who knew that weddings could be so stressful?”
“I told you we should have just eloped and told your family at a later date.” Gunn rolled his eyes.
“You still haven’t told your colleagues that you even know me, much less that you’re marrying me. So shut up, okay?”
“Some things don’t change,” Cassie laughed quietly. “Let’s try this again.” She hugged both her cousin and Gunn. “Long time no see. I missed you.”
“You missed me?” Gunn’s eyebrows shot up to the edge of his forehead.
“A girl’s got to have a hobby.” Cassie shrugged. “Mine is picking on you. Without you around, I can’t pick on you. Ergo, I get bored with no hobby.”
“Some people collect stamps, my cousin picks on my fiancé.” Buffy buried her face in her hands. “Can’t you find a new hobby?”
“Why?” The brunette cracked a smile. “It’s too much fun when he’s around.”
“I have just as much fun teasing the hellspawn,” Gunn tried to reassure Buffy. “So what kind of coward are you dating that he hides behind you?”
“What I want to know is who is short enough to actually be able to hide behind her,” Buffy snorted.
“You are,” Cassie snapped.
“I’m also only 5’2”.” She glared at where she thought the mysterious Kevin was. “Come out; come out where ever you are. Otherwise, I might just have to hurt you badly enough that they’ll be billing you as the human pretzel at the Ringling Brothers Circus.”
Cassie laughed. “Not unless you want Xander to know that you’re planning on setting him up with Anya.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me,” she challenged.
“Come on out, Kev,” Cassie sighed. “I’ll tell Uncle Jack that she once compared him to a dog if she hurts you.”
Kevin wasn’t certain how reassuring that was supposed to be, but he wheeled out anyway. “Hi.”
Buffy’s jaw dropped. This was not the type of guy she could picture her younger cousin dating. Her eyes were drawn to the wheelchair first and she didn’t stop staring until Gunn smacked her lightly across her butt. “Hey!”
“What, I’m allowed to do that?” Gunn asked.
“Not in public!”
Cassie snickered. “That’s one way you can always tell Anya from Buffy. Anya doesn’t care if she has full-blown sex in front of strangers.”
“I think Anya has had full-blown sex in front of strangers,” Buffy laughed. “I’m Cassie’s older cousin, Buffy. Hurt Cass and die. Painfully.”
Kevin gulped as Gunn laid a calming hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “I’m Buffy’s fiancé, Charles Gunn. Welcome to the madness.” He sized the other man up for a minute. “You haven’t started screaming yet from the insanity levels. I’m impressed.”
“I suppose you did?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No, this seems rather normal to me.”
That crazy Connie wasn’t wearing any shoes.
Yeah, she lives in L.A. she flies to New York City;
“Has anyone found Gunn?” Cordy slammed the Hyperion’s door and tapped her foot impatiently. “Because he’s still not answering his cell phone!”
“Who’s Gunn?” Dawn asked quietly. She and Faith had been introduced to Wesley, Angel and Cordy. (For Dawn, the fact that the other Faith had never met any of them was kind of disconcerting.) Fred, at least, neither of them had ever met.
“Who’s asking?” Gunn strolled in, throwing pieces of mail at Cordy. “Miss Secretary, I believe this is part of your job.”
She just glared at him. “Where were you?”
“It doesn’t matter where I was,” he shrugged. He did not need to get into a fight about this.
As he replied, she muttered under her breath, “Junk, junk, bill, ooo, letter for Wesley, letter from the Burkles…multiple invitations to a wedding?”
Cordy’s head snapped up and glowered at him dangerously. For a few minutes, the invitations were forgotten. “It doesn’t matter where you were?”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Actually,” Fred spoke up, “it does. We rescued two girls while you were off, and you haven’t even met them yet.”
Gunn rolled his eyes. Like moving wasn’t stressful as it was, like his soon to be mother-in-law wasn’t bad enough…He didn’t want to deal with Fred and Cordy. “Fine, fine. Where are they and how are we helping them?”
“Right here,” Dawn spoke up. “I’m Dawn Summers, dimensionally displaced fifteen year old girl. From what I understand, I don’t have a duplicate here, so I’m staying.”
“And my duplicate’s dead,” Faith spoke up quietly. “Faith Ayers, fifteen year old hit by a freaky spell.”
“We have to figure out what we’re doing with them,” Wesley explained. “The Council will not be happy with Miss Ayers’s reappearance, and I’m not certain how Buffy’s family will react to Dawn.”
“Now that we’ve got that out of the way,” Cordy asked slowly, “who in the world is Carlie Gunn’ther?”
“And why is Charles the only one who didn’t get an invitation?” Fred asked. “Everyone else got one, even me. ‘Joyce and Rupert Giles cordially invite us to celebrate the nuptials of their daughter, Elisabetha Anne Summerland, to Carlie Gunn’ther.”
“Can I see one of those for a moment?” Gunn asked slowly. He had a horrible suspicion. Once he had an invitation in his hand, the color seeped out of his skin. “I can’t believe this.”
“What can’t you believe?” Fred looked at him strangely. “It’s a wedding invitation.”
“Yeah, one that is so full of typos, Joyce is going to go postal. I think they let Jack write it. And he probably was just finishing up a report, and he wrote it, and he was probably half-asleep. And then the people at the printing place probably couldn’t read his handwriting, and they just guessed what the hell was written, and they didn’t call anyone to decipher it, and no one will be able to figure out who’s getting married, and no one will show up, and then Joyce will say that I’m unfit to marry her daughter, and Mr. Giles will get all Ripper-ish, and I’ll never be able see Buffy again, let alone marry her!” Gunn knew he was babbling, and he normally didn’t do such a thing. However, after a week with various Summers-Giles-O’Neill females, he was running on less than two hours of sleep. That and he’d officially seen and heard too much of Willow.
“Excuse me!” Every female currently in Hyperion asked in unison as they stood and stared.
“Invitation to my wedding,” he sighed. “Buffy’s uncle was probably the one who wrote it, and that’s why it’s so confusing.”
“Your wedding,” Cordelia repeated in disbelief. “You’re getting married…to Buffy Summers!”
“Do you have a problem with that?”
Dawn watched in absolute amazement. “I’ve only seen Angel for a couple of minutes, but he seems like he was back in my dimension. You know, all broody, and woe-is-me-ish. And more than anything, I get the vibe that he’s still totally head over heels for Buffy, the same way he was in my dimension pre-Cordelia. So I have only one question. Has anyone told him that his dream girl is getting married?”
“Oh shit.” Cordy shook her head. “I guess I should call Buffy and tell her that her groom may not be able to make it to the wedding.”
“What wedding?” Angel asked as he walked into the lobby. “Who’s getting married?”
“Well…uhhh…it’s…umm…Buffy,” Fred tried to break it to him gently.
That woman’s been around the world.
You can take that girl out of the honky tonk,
But you can’t take the honky tonk,
“Buffy.” Angel managed to pack every emotion he was feeling into that one word. Pain, anguish, and anger bled out of the name.
“Yes,” Gunn smiled nervously, “I’m marrying Buffy.”
“You don’t even know her.” The vampire stared at him in disbelief.
A knock at the door interrupted them. Cordelia literally licked her lips. “Maybe it’s a paying customer.”
“Hi.” The young man shifted his weight nervously. “Gunn, she’s nuts.”
“Which she are you talking about? Because when I left B and the hellspawn at the apartment, every person there was female…”
“And they were all bonkers,” Jon laughed. “My family, ya’know, the one you’re marrying into, is all nuts. The women are just crazier than the rest of us.”
“Then which one is so very nuts?”
“Aunt Joyce is driving me to seek outside intervention.”
Gunn buried his head in his hands. “Let me guess. Your dad is lying in about sixty pieces because of his invitation mistake.”
“He certainly w-word he was.” Like the rest of the clan, Jon didn’t use the word ‘wish’ in any way, shape or form.
“W-word?” Fred asked softly.
“W-I-S-H,” Dawn spelled out quietly. “I think that’s what it stands for anyway. And because they aren’t saying the word itself, all those nice demons can’t exploit them.”
“Exactly,” Jon and Gunn said together.
“How long have you known her?” Angel asked suddenly. When Gunn just stared at him, the vampire violently shoved him into the nearby wall. “ANSWER ME!”
“Since she was seventeen,” he choked out. “I met her when she ran away after sending you to Hell. She needed comfort, and I gave her the only comfort I could.”
Jon snickered. “And my father has never quite forgiven you for that. Neither has Uncle Giles.”
“She needed comforting; she needed some sort of friend,” Gunn defended himself.
“She didn’t need a fuck-fest,” Jon said tactlessly.
“She needed to know someone cared. And it’s not like we didn’t use protection.”
Cordelia’s jaw dropped. “Are you implying that you showed kindness and lavished comfort on Buffy by having sex with her?”
“Basically.” Gunn started to turn blue as the vampire tightened his hold on his employee’s neck.
“So what, you went from fucking to friends to getting married?” Faith looked at him in shocked admiration. “I think I might like this girl.”
“We fucked, we became friends, we continued sleeping together, we dated, we fucked some more, we broke up, we continued to fuck, we realized we loved each other, we got back together, we continued the previous arrangement, and then we got engaged.”
“Buffy wouldn’t do something like that,” Angel growled.
“Don’t pass judgment on her,” Gunn growled. “You barely knew her. You knew the Slayer in her; you were attracted to how normal she still seemed to be. But you never really got to know the woman inside her.”
“How can you say that?” But Angel dropped his employee to the floor anyway; his pride was wounded but he was intrigued.
“Because it’s true,” Jon stated softly. “My dad and my uncle aren’t happy about the circumstances, but they know that B and Weapons-Boy love each other. And they trust Weapons-Boy. That’s something your demon shattered with Uncle Giles. Having to send you to Hell nearly killed Buffy. She took off, got her head on straight, and Gunn was a big part of that. Besides, Oz trusts him.”
“And that’s come to be an important stamp of approval in B’s family,” Gunn noted. “Course, when B was crying her eyes out one night, that didn’t stop him from calling me and threatening the hell out of me if I didn’t get my black ass to Northwestern.”
“B’s always wondered why you came that next day when you were obviously upset.”
“Having a pissed off werewolf demanding you get there is a great motivator.”
“Don’t doubt it.” Jon smirked at him. “It’s about time for everyone to subject themselves to the horror that is the rehearsal dinner.”
“Wait,” Cordelia said slowly. “Why did you wait so long to send out the invitations?”
“Most everyone was invited through word of mouth.” Jon shrugged. “Just show up with smiles and gifts and B’ll be happy. She’s not too keen on this big wedding, but Joyce can be a bitch when she wants to be.”
Gunn was still staring at the two transplanted girls. “You want to come to the rehearsal? I think they’ll like you.”
Faith skittered back. “Dawn says I did something bad in her dimension and thinks I did that here too. Why would they want me there?”
“And Wesley says he isn’t certain the Summers will accept me.” Dawn glared at Gunn and Jon defiantly.
“Well, you aren’t the same as the Faith here was. The Faith here was messed up in ways you don’t seem to be.” Gunn watched the girl absorb that.
Jon answered Dawn’s accusation. “Girl, I don’t know where Wes or you’ve been living, but this family will take you in before you can say ‘Yeahsureyoubetcha.’ Ditto with Miss Faithy.”
The girls locked gazes and, as a unit, nodded slowly. It was Faith who spoke up. “Then let’s get going. We can’t possibly be late to Lawyer-girl and her stud muffin’s rehearsal.”
Jon laughed. “We’ll see the rest of you at the wedding, a week from now.”
“Wait, why are you taking so many days between the two?” Fred looked slightly confused.
“We have to be able to have the bachelor and bachelorette parties,” Gunn and Jon chorused as the door closed behind them.
Take the honky tonk out of the girl.
“Why does one have to rehearse the vows?” Anya asked. “Everyone can already repeat them word for word.”
“Don’t ask me,” Willow complained. “I haven’t figured it out either.”
“At least you figured out your feelings for Oz,” Tara bitched good-naturedly. Although the young witch had had a crush on the redhead for a while, the relationship had developed more of a sisterly feeling to it.
Willow laughed. “Find yourself a girl, Tare. God knows you need it.”
About this time, Buffy ran into the living room. Somehow, she managed to avoid the boxes littering the room despite her breakneck speed. “Help! Fashion crisis!”
“You look like Will,” Anya stated bluntly.
“Who the hell’s Will?” Buffy asked. “Because if I looked like Willow right now, I wouldn’t be panicking.”
“No, you look like William Shakespeare.”
“Great, I look like a dead guy.” She tapped her foot impatiently. She liked the gauzy silver shirt, but the clingy black pants (the ONLY thing she could find that wasn’t dirty or packed) just did not go with the outfit.
The ex-demon rolled her eyes. “Don’t believe the hype. Not only did the guy suck as a playwright, he wasn’t that great in bed either.”
Tara stared at her. “You slept with William Shakespeare? We are talking about the man who wrote Romeo and Juliet, right? That William Shakespeare?”
“I didn’t sleep with him. I cursed him. And his son, and his brother.” Anya thought for a minute more. “I think it carried over to his third cousin on his mother’s side too!”
Willow blinked. “Anya, as far as historians know, Shakespeare did not have any children or any close family.”
“What do you think the curse was? He was a lousy lay.”
“I thought you didn’t sleep with him!” Cassie, who had been quietly observing since she’d finished getting ready, muttered in confusion.
Buffy had, by this time, managed to scrounge up one of Willow’s short skirts. “Tell me this is better!”
Anya tilted her head sideways. “Well, not only do you look like you want to have orgasms, you look like a blonde Lorelai!”
Cassie blinked. “You watch Gilmore Girls?”
Well, that dinner broke up at around 11:30.
The boys went out to do what boys do.
“Who had this brilliant idea?” Giles was staring at the males in the wedding party with a look of revulsion. Somehow, both he and Joyce had ended up here as sort of chaperones. Of course, the children didn’t actually need permission anymore, but they always seemed to forget that part.
“B and Gunn thought it was a good idea when Cassie suggested it.” Xander shrugged. “I can’t say I blame them.”
His father figure spluttered incoherently. Joyce actually said what both of them were thinking. “The two of them didn’t need to get matching tattoos!”
That was about the point when Buffy turned to show off her new artwork. “Mom, what do you think of the tattoo?”
Gunn stood next to her, so that the tattoos, which were both located on the small of their owner’s back, were both in Joyce and Giles’s line of sight.
The parents just stared at the scrolled crosses with the words “Love lasts” written inside them. Proving that they weren’t quite matching, there were flowers and hearts surrounding Buffy’s while Gunn’s had arrows and fire around it.
“They’re…unique,” Joyce managed. “Let’s leave the men to their bachelor party now.”
“But Mommy!” Buffy whined.
“Boys’ night out,” she stated firmly. “We’re leaving!”
The bride sulked. “Fine.”
Connie said, “Hey girls, let’s huddle up.
“’Round somethin’, ‘bout a hundred proof.”
“Well?” Cassie raised an expectant eyebrow.
“They’re making an escape route. I don’t know what it’s for, but they’re making an escape route.” Willow collapsed on the floor of Buffy’s half-unpacked home office.
“Are we being attacked?” Anya raised an eyebrow from where she was unpacking boxes of law books.
“Gee, is the British coming?” Cassie asked dryly.
Anya raised an eyebrow. “I could have sworn that it was one by sea, two by land…or maybe it was the opposite…Paul Revere was rather naughty…But I know it wasn’t hole by plumbing! What do you think, Will?”
Willow didn’t respond. She just let out a moan. “Owwwwww.”
“Don’t bang your head on the chair if you don’t want to get hurt.” Buffy had just come in from where she was adding her stuff to Gunn’s in the bedroom.
“I thought I was banging my head on the cushy part.” Willow shrugged and tried not to admit how strange she sounded.
“Have you been taking stupid pills again?” Tara had been unpacking the few additional kitchen supplies and had come upstairs to see what she could do next since she had finished quickly.
“No, there were too many side effects. I mean, I was stupid.” Willow smiled as she retorted with the familiar punch line. No one was certain who’d come up with the joke, but it had stuck.
“Owww.” This time, it was Buffy groaning from the bedroom.
“See? Why are you getting on me for banging my head on the chair? You were banging it on the dresser.” Willow smirked at her sister who had come back into the office.
“You were trying to hit the soft and cushy part; I was trying to get hurt so that I’d go into a coma and not wake up until everything was normal.”
“It didn’t work.” Anya stated the obvious.
“I guess things will never be normal.” Dawn added her two cents as she and Faith came upstairs from the oversized living room where they’d been organizing DVDs, CDs, and other similar things. In addition, they’d been arranging knickknacks and hanging pictures.
“The bathroom will never be fixed either.” Faith sighed as she brought their focus back to what had started the conversation.
“It’s been four days of four different plumbing-related issues. I think it’s time to call a real plumber,” Tara chimed in. The plumbing issues had been going on for two days before the wedding rehearsal.
“Uncle Jack and Teal’c won’t be happy,” Cassie noted.
“No,” Daniel interrupted them, “but the bathroom will get fixed.”
Buffy sighed. “That bathroom hasn’t worked right since Gunn moved in. Uncle Jack and Teal’c are not helping its issues.”
Everyone flinched at a louder noise.
Faith sighed. “It sounds like the wall’s caving in.”
“This wall?” Daniel asked in alarm.
“No, the bathroom wall.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “I do not want to know what the escape route is for anymore; I just want them to stop before they destroy my house. Hey, maybe we could get really, really drunk and ignore them!”
“Amen to that, sister!” Willow muttered darkly.
Her fiancé walked in from where he’d been organizing the garage so that two cars could actually fit in it. “I called a real plumber about six hours ago and he just showed up.”
“What does he think about the holes in the walls?” Anya smirked at the pained expression on Gunn’s face.
“The two idiots actually did something right. Something about being able to reach the pipes.”
“Dear God, they are banned from using power tools in or around this house ever again.”
Gunn just looked at Buffy. “From what you’ve told me, that won’t stop them.”
“The fact that they actually did something right for once will just feed their egos,” Daniel sighed from his place on the computer room floor. “Do you think the Goa’uld will let us come live with them?”
“Forget going outside the solar system; Uncle Jack will be able to track us there. Let’s just go talk to the Devil. I think I amuse him so maybe he’ll let us stay there for a while.”
“Why do you think you amuse him?” Gunn looked at Buffy strangely.
“I’m marrying you and my uncle and an alien were making an escape route. I think he’s amused.”
Everyone just cracked up at the expression on Gunn’s face as they all went back to what they’d been doing.
She lives in L.A. she flies to New York City
That woman’s been around the world.
“Hey, has anyone shared the fire incident?” Anya took another pull of beer.
“There is no need to bring that up,” Sam laughed, drinking more beer herself. Most of the family was in Buffy and Gunn’s living room, dealing with wedding presents. Some of them were perfectly normal, like Janet’s gift of pots and pans. Others were more…unique, like the beanbag and foam-filled furniture that most everyone was busy filling up. “It’s completely forgotten.”
“What in the hell is the ‘fire incident’?” Gunn asked. He was fairly certain he’d never heard this story.
“Buffy hasn’t told you?” Tara smirked.
“I haven’t told him what?” The woman in question brought in more of the fruit shaped beanbags. “By the way, remind me to shoot Ms. Clarita. She figured since she’s now my aunt by marriage, she should send a wedding present. Now, don’t get me wrong. These beanbags are going to be really cool furniture. But why couldn’t the beans already be in the stupid bags?”
“We were asking him if he’d heard about the fire thing.” Willow cuddled up against Oz, clearly marking him as ‘hers’. The two were busy filling up a foam-filled coffee table.
Buffy groaned and sank down onto the floor. “Oh, God.”
“That bad?” Gunn rubbed her shoulders. “I guess you don’t have to tell me about it.”
“Oh, we’ll still tell you,” Anya said happily. She was having fun stuffing the guest bed.
“It will indeed be fun watching her blush in mortification.” Teal’c said this so gravely that Cassie started to snicker. Watching him plunge his arms into a large, green ottoman and carefully deposit beans into it didn’t help her hysterical laughter.
“Fine, I lit my hair on fire, okay?”
“I was graduating from high school,” Cassie volunteered more details.
“And?” Dawn looked up from where she was filling a giant pineapple beanbag chair.
“And she threatened my then-boyfriend, Dominic, with castration by a flaming wooden spoon.”
“I pulled my hand back to brush at my hair, and caught it on fire,” she mumbled. “End of story, okay?”
Gunn’s eyes twinkled. “I love you, dear.”
“Don’t even start.” She had gone from embarrassed to bitchy in 0.2 seconds.
“I wouldn’t dream of it, dawg.” Nevertheless, the mischief in his eyes promised that he wasn’t going to forget it any time in the near future.
“Don’t call me that,” she retorted.
“Call you what?”
Faith threw a handful of beans at Buffy and idly remarked, “They’re so sweet.” Then she returned to stuffing an oversized apple.
“Yeah,” Dawn groused as the two lovebirds abandoned filling up a giant strawberry in favor of French kissing, “sweet enough to give me cavities. I really can’t take this.”
“Welcome to how we’ve felt for years,” Cassie grinned. She sipped at a wine cooler as she tried to get the damn beans into an oversized black beanbag couch that was going to go downstairs. “Why do these cling to everything?”
“I have no idea,” Janet groused. She was busy putting away the rest of the wedding gifts and listing which people had sent what so that Buffy and Gunn could send out thank-you cards. She was also busy brushing off beans and foam from the gifts.
“Do you think that using hairspray would eliminate the static cling?” Dawn asked seriously.
“I don’t know,” Faith shrugged. “Try it.”
“Just don’t use the aerosol can around fire,” Sam called with a laugh.
“Aw, spoil my fun will you.”
You can take that girl out of the honky tonk,
“You know girls,” Anya grinned at the others, “I think that we should get a chance to go out barhopping ourselves.” She grinned just a little more
Buffy looked up from where she was scratching behind Cordelia’s cat’s ears. The tortoiseshell was a recent addition to Cordelia’s household. Dennis had taken a liking to the kitten, and the kitten to the ghost. “But the cats aren’t of legal age!”
Fred laughed at that one and corrected her. “Actually, there’s no legal age for cats.” The woman had grown up since coming back from Pylea.
Cordelia looked at the other female members of the wedding party. “We are not taking my cat drinking.” Glasses slammed behind her. “Dennis, it’s final. Shut up.”
“Don’t tell the ghost to shut up,” Fred sighed. “It’s not fair to him. After all, he is the only male in the house.”
“Talk about estrogen overload,” Cassie quipped. Then her eyes narrowed. “Well, if we can’t take your cat drinking, can we put a cape on it?”
“Super kitty!” the bride-to-be squealed, knowing what Cassie was cornering Cordelia into.
“No,” the former cheerleader snapped. “My cat is not going to be ‘super kitty.’ I would sooner see you take Liberty drinking than have her be ‘super kitty.’” Her eyes widened the moment she finished.
“We’ll nix the cape and add the alcohol then.” Willow smirked uncharacteristically. She’d been behaving slightly different for the previous few days and everyone had the feeling it was because she and Oz were back to having a fling. After all, that was how their relationship worked. On one moment and off the next. The Gunn and Buffy method of dating had spread to Oz and Willow. “Come here kitty, kitty, kitty.”
“I said the cat’s not going with us!” Cordelia screamed.
“Bitchy much?” the blonde slayer asked. “It won’t hurt the cat, Cordelia. It might even help relax her.”
Liberty head butted her owner and stared mournfully up at her. Cordelia cracked with only one look from her cat. “Fine, Liberty can go. I suppose Cassie was going to let Sel’mac come along anyway.”
“Of course I was.” She glared at the other woman. Cassie had had Sel’mac since just after her high school graduation. She’d decided to name the pure black cat after the Tokra because she did not want to come up with an original name. “I’m not anal retentive like you are.”
“Oh, both of you be quiet. We’re going to party because we and our cats are going to get drunk. Let’s conga, girls!” Anya and Buffy started the conga line to the bar with everyone behind them. Both Cassie and Fred had a cat each and were making the kitties do the hand motions. Every once in a while as they tried to leave, Dennis and Joyce could hear ‘Ow, she scratched me.’
Sam stared after them in bemusement. “Like a bride to be on sugar isn’t bad enough, the kids make her worse. I pity the bartender wherever they end up.”
Dennis made the lights flicker on and off in the kitchen. “Yes, Dennis. I’ll teach you how to make brownies. They’re for the reception which is why they’ll have plenty of alcohol in them.”
The lights flickered in rapid tempo as Dawn and Faith relaxed on Cordelia’s couch with identical wry grins. “Trust me, we’ll need the liquor. We just have to save some for the brownies.”
They then watched the group suddenly come back. Dawn laughed. “Finally realized that cats are considered unsanitary in most establishments?”
“Yeah,” Buffy shrugged. “We’re trying to think of an alternative, but I’m kinda confused on this.”
“What about that karaoke bar all of you told me about?” Sam asked. “If the owner’s a demon, he might not have a big of problem with it.”
“She so has a point,” Faith shrugged.
“That’s a good idea,” Cordelia agreed. “So let’s get going.”
But you can't take the honky tonk,
Take the honky tonk out of the girl.
Late that night, as Cordelia and Fred drunkenly sang the lyrics to “I got you babe,” Cassie, Anya, and Tara helped Buffy supervise the cats. Willow had taken off early in favor of spending quality time with Oz.
Lorne walked over. “Not often that I get cats in here.”
“They needed to get drunk as much as the rest of us,” Buffy commented cynically.
Cassie snickered. “There’s nothing like having a hangover at one’s wedding.”
“I’m not drinking,” the bride countered. “Liberty’s having my margarita.”
Lorne raised an eyebrow. “Liberty’s not actually drinking it, is she?”
Buffy shook her head. “She didn’t like the taste.”
“Good.” Lorne glanced at Anya. “Is she always like this?”
“It’s the night before her wedding. She’s not getting enough orgasms right now.”
“She’s depressed,” the demon pointed out. “The last time I saw her, she was quite hyperactive.”
Cassie laughed. “I remember that. It was during the funeral.”
“The funeral?” Tara thought she knew what was going on but she wasn’t certain.
“Giles Senior’s funeral,” Cassie elaborated. “Anyway, I don’t think Buffy wants to get married.”
“I want to get married,” the person in question wailed. “I just don’t want to get married with everyone there! I did not want a huge ceremony.”
The others exchanged glances before Lorne spoke. “Okay, so what do you want to do?”
Well, at nine a.m., out in front of that church,
People goin’ nuts looking for the groom.
Somebody says, “Hey, by the way, where’s Connie?”
She’s run off with that boy to Cancun.
“Where’s my daughter?” Joyce asked nervously.
Cassie smiled; she, Tara and Anya were the only ones who knew of the plan. “She’s coming.”
“When isn’t she late?” Willow grinned as the rest of the females laughed in agreement.
Just then, the groomsmen came running out of the church. Daniel was the first to gasp something out. “Has anyone seen Gunn?”
Faith raised an eyebrow while Cassie hid a knowing smirk. “Isn’t Stud-Muffin with you?”
“He was supposed to be,” Jon stated nervously.
“And…” Dawn stared at the men in front of her. Over the past several days, she thought she’d come to know them pretty well. Now, the fact that Xander was hanging back from the other men scared her. In her dimension, her version only did that when he wanted to avoid a deadly confrontation.
“He’s not there.” Oz shrugged.
“Then where is he?” Joyce tried to modulate her voice so that she didn’t sound murderous.
Judging by Jack’s wince, she hadn’t been successful.
“I think, dear,” Mary O’Neill put her hands on Joyce’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, “that we can safely say we don’t know.”
“That’s nice, Mother, but what am I supposed to tell my daughter when she gets here?”
“Is she even coming?” Cassie knew that her part was coming when Sam hesitantly posed the question.
“Anya said she and Tara would bring Buffy by 9:30.” She tried to look as innocent as possible when her phone rang.
Everyone watched her answer it and observed the conversation, as her expression grew increasingly panicked. “What do you mean she isn’t there? Don’t worry, B…It’ll be fine. We’ll figure out where Anya went…No, Gunn’s missing too…We’ll be waiting for you.”
“Where’s Anya?” Joyce was very close to hyperventilating.
“We don’t know.” Cassie was still trying to look innocent but worried. She didn’t think it was working.
“Do you think that Anya and Gunn ran off together?” Kevin tried not to flinch as everyone around him turned to stare.
“They wouldn’t do that…” Willow’s voice trailed off uncertainly.
“It’s Anya,” Xander commented caustically.
Yeah, she lives in L.A. she flies to New York City;
That woman’s been around the world.
You can take that girl out of the honky tonk,
“So where’s the happy couple?” Cordelia and Fred were the only two of the AI gang that had elected to come to the wedding.
“Gunn ran off somewhere with Anya.” Dawn stated this as coldly as she could. She still remembered how well Anya and Xander had worked out in her universe. The two had died together, and she didn’t understand why they barely even liked each other here.
Fred blinked slowly. “Then that limo would have Buffy in it?”
They turned as a unit to look at the swerving vehicle. “And Tara,” Willow confirmed. “I just don’t understand how Gunn could do that to Buffy.”
“I’m going to rip his throat out,” Jack finally hissed as the limo finally came to a semi-stop and Tara hopped out.
“You have to help. She’s been hysterical ever since Cassie said that Gunn was missing and with Anya missing, her nerves are just on edge. Have either of them shown up yet?” Tara babbled and rambled nervously.
“No,” Cassie held back a smirk and she could tell Tara was trying to do the same.
At that instant, the woman in the bridal dress leaned out of the limo. “B just called. They made it Cancun and they’re about to get married.”
“ANYA!” Everyone yelped in surprise.
“Are you telling me my daughter eloped?” Joyce growled dangerously.
Mary patted her daughter on the shoulders. “Don’t worry, dear. Did anyone know that this was going to occur other than Anya?” She raised an eyebrow at the young woman in the bride’s dress.
“I did,” Tara stammered quietly.
“And I helped plan it,” Cassie stated boldly. “We couldn’t let on that this was going on until we knew they were in Mexico.”
“Will someone call the travel agent?” Giles asked slowly. He’d suspected that the two had eloped. That was the only reason why he hadn’t started ranting with everyone else. He had to admit that his wife was relatively scary when she was angry.
“Why?” Dawn asked slowly. After three days here, she still wasn’t too sure about this strange family dynamic these people had working for them.
“Because we’re going to Mexico to crash their honeymoon,” Cassie stated logically.
Faith blinked. “You got that from what G-man said?”
But you can't take the honky tonk,
Take the honky tonk out of the girl.
“Why are we on a plane to Mexico?” Joan stared at her roommate. “What’s the point?”
“We’re crashing Buffy’s honeymoon,” Willow volunteered from the seat in front of her. “She left her own wedding, not that I blame her, and decided to elope.”
“This is our revenge,” Cordelia chimed in. “Be glad that Angel can’t come.”
“He’s been doing too much brooding,” Dawn hissed. “I seriously can’t remember my version being that broody the last time she dated someone else.”
“Dude, she married someone, D.” Faith tapped the window semi-nervously. “I think that’s just a tad different.”
Grace laughed. “Just a tad,” she repeated. “That’s priceless.”
“So, who is taking bets on this whole thing?” Tara asked.
“Don’t know,” was Anya’s response.
“I am,” Cassie raised her hand and accidentally waved it in a stranger’s face. “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.”
“So,” Giles asked from across the aisle where Joyce was out cold due to Janet’s nice needles and Fred was reading a scientific magazine. “What’s the bet about this time?”
“Put me down for twenty in favor of them kicking us out,” Jack called.
“Forty for them being pissed, but letting us stay,” Daniel volunteered.
“Do archeologists say the word ‘pissed?’” Kevin asked with a grin.
“Ours does,” Sam laughed. “Ten for someone being thrown into the ocean by one of the oh-so-happy newlyweds.”
The man Cassie had disturbed looked at the family quizzically. “Dare I ask why you’re betting on this?”
“My sister ran off from her own wedding with the groom, and chose to elope. As retribution, we’re crashing her honeymoon,” Xander volunteered. “Put me down for fifteen for them throwing at one or all of us and ten more for that person being Uncle Jack or Mom.”
“Ah.” Joan just glared at the businessman. She knew who he was; she just wished God hadn’t chosen to fly on their flight.
Later, as she walked to the ladies’ room, she asked him why he was there.
“I needed a vacation.” Then he looked at the chaos around them. “Then again, I think I should have taken a different flight.”
“I thought God was all knowing.”
“I am, but I’m also a caffeine addict, and I haven’t had a cappuccino since before I booked the flight.” They watched the extended Summer-Giles-Frasier-Carter-O’Neill family play catch with Buffy’s veil. “I have the feeling I’m going to need a double.”
Joan looked at her roommate’s family and the only thought that went through her mind was, “Who is God’s travel agent?”
A/N: Yes, this seems like a rather abrupt place to stop. However, there is a ‘Stays in Mexico’ story coming…eventually…that covers the ‘honeymoon crashing.’ Read and review please! In addition, my muse and I can say two things totally truthfully: one year ago, our parents made an escape route. It is still there. Also, hairspray really does work…as long as it’s extra strength! Gel does not work.
Muse Note: Because it’s me, I thought you all might get a kick out of seeing the dresses for the bride, bridesmaids, and maid of honor. Buffy’s wedding dress was picked out by Joyce; the maid of honor’s dress was picked by Buffy. It was her form of revenge. Cassie chose the bridesmaids’ dresses while on a revenge kick herself.
Buffy’s wedding dress is the third entry on April 13, 2003. This is borrowed from the site and we would like to thank those there for their inspiration (Their dresses have provided a great deal of humor for both author and muse.). http/ uglyweddingdress . net / index . php / P15/ (Remember, remove the spaces.)
The rest are taken from the music video for this song. CMT’s website has this video available under the duo’s name.