Posters my teacher gave me
Snippet Title: Posters my teacher gave me
Author: Lady Maria (or Maria, depending on the site)
Rating: PG-18 but as this is only for innuendo, I’m not changing the story rating. If you want, skip the snippet because the content isn’t crucial to the rest of the series. ALSO, I WARN YOU NOW THAT THIS PART—AND SO FAR ONLY THIS PART—HAS SLASH. Caprice? Caprice.
Series: The Funeral Series
Disclaimer: The poster’s content doesn’t belong to me, but I do own the poster itself. I mean it. It’s hanging up on my bathroom wall. I also don’t own Stargate SG-1 or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Author’s Notes: This will become a full fledged series. If you wish to be informed of new stories in the series, leave your email in a review or email me with your request. In the next story, there will be a family tree. We’ve drawn it up but we haven’t typed it yet. This was my muse’s idea after going to the bathroom. Happy Fourth of July even if I am posting this at 1 in the morning on July 5th. Please pity me; my muses are playing with Mr. Potato Heads and Fashion Polly Pockets.
Review please. Please, please review.
‘Blah’ is off the poster and therefore not mine.
“My English teacher gave me a gift.” Cassie stared mournfully at the bed where the gift was spread out.
“It’s a poster,” Buffy pointed out. “What’s wrong with a poster?”
“Look at it!” she cried.
The blonde considered the poster for a moment and then spoke. “From what you told me about Mrs. Yarrow, I would never have thought that she was one for kinkiness.”
“What do you mean? This is an ‘Achieve your dreams, remember your ABCs’ poster.” Cassie blinked in confusion.
“It’s also the dirtiest poster on earth. Actually, it’s probably the dirtiest poster in the universe. Yes, I’m including the ones underneath Xander’s bed.”
Cassie frowned in thought and read the poster again.
‘Avoid negative sources, people, places, things, and habits.’
‘Believe in yourself’
‘Consider things from every angle’
‘Don’t give up and don’t give in’
‘Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come’
‘Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches’
‘Give more than you planned to’
‘Hang on to your dreams’
‘Ignore those who try to discourage you’
‘Just do it’
‘Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier’
‘Love yourself first and most’
‘Make it happen’
‘Never lie, cheat, or steal, always strike a fair deal’
‘Open your eyes and see things as they really are’
‘Practice makes perfect’
‘Quitters never win and winners never quit’
‘Read, study, and learn about everything important in your life’
‘Take control of your own destiny’
‘Understand yourself in order to better understand others’
‘Want it more than anything’
‘Xcellerate your efforts’
‘You are unique of all God’s creations nothing can replace you
‘Zero in on your target’
“I don’t get where you’re coming from, Buffy.”
“And you’re a part of our family. You are so sad because I know from listening to Uncle Jack that he would have seen this or anything like it within five seconds. Why don’t we take another look at the poster, this time with comments?” She let her eyes skim the poster. “Cassie, read the first one.”
“‘Avoid negative sources, people, places, things, and habits.’ And your point is…?”
“It pretty much says that you aren’t allowed to read any books, read magazines, see your family, go to school, go home, play with stakes, have sex, or even be in your brain.”
“Did you just call me a Goa’uld?”
“No, idiot.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “You call me a blonde? Read B.”
“‘Believe in yourself,’” Cassie read out loud.
“Believe in myself,” Buffy echoed. “Oh, I believe in myself. I even believe in my ability to make my man roar.”
Cassie opened her mouth and then closed it with an audible click. “I think I get it. But that was a little too much information.”
“That’s the name of the game, don’t you know?” Buffy laughed at the expression on her cousin’s face. “Now give me the poster; it’s my turn to read one.”
“Hey, does that mean it’s my turn to make a comment?”
“No shit, Sherlock.” Buffy paused. “Unless you have a ghost you didn’t tell me about. Do you?”
“No, but I have a pet worm named Ralph that Uncle Jack gave me. It talks in Sumerian.”
There was a long silence. “Let’s just get back to the subject.”
“What was the subject?”
“‘Consider things from every angle,’” Buffy spoke up, ignoring Cassie’s question.
“Oh, you mean like Uncle Daniel’s ass.”
“Yeah, if you tilt your head to 180 degrees it looks like Jimmy Wayne’s butt.”
Jack came in without knocking at that point. Daniel was in tow and looking every bit as confused as Jack was mad. “Who can I kill for talking about Daniel’s butt and why were they? It’s mine!”
“Oh look, he’s being possessive,” Buffy cooed. “Isn’t that the cutest thing? I want a guy who will kill for me…wait, I’ve had those. Never mind, I just want one who’s possessive without bloodshed. If that’s possible, of course.”
“Explanations,” Jack growled. Daniel was still confused but trying to calm him down anyway.
“Well, we’re making sick and twisted comments,” Cassie explained. “As an end of the year present to her favorite student, my English teacher gave me this uplifting poster. We’re on our way to turning it into porno. That’s why we made a comment on Uncle Daniel’s ass. Don’t worry; he’s practically part of the family so we wouldn’t dream of touching him.”
“Great,” Jack muttered just as Daniel went, “Can we join in?”
Buffy and Cassie chuckled in unison before Cassie said, “Of course you can.”
“We’re on letter D,” Buffy told them. “Here it is. ‘Don’t give up and don’t give in.’”
“Well, I never give up.” Daniel waggled his eyebrows.
“But you always give in,” Jack stated slyly.
“That’s not for public information,” Daniel yelped and slapped his mate.
Both females snickered at Jack’s “Owww that hurt.”
They both lost it when Daniel went, “Do you want me to kiss it and make it feel better?”
“What am I, three?” Jack screamed.
Janet poked her head in the door. “Dare I ask?”
“Find a seat, Mom and just go with the flow. Please remember that even though I’m fifteen, you shouldn’t ground me for this.” She glared at the squabbling couple. “Kids, sit down because it’s time to continue.”
Buffy glanced at the poster. “‘Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.’”
“See Mom, Mrs. Yarrow agrees with me.” Cassie beamed angelically at her mother. “I should have sex right now!”
Then she snickered when her uncle stepped in front of Daniel. “Don’t even think about it.”
“He’s right, young lady,” Janet snapped. “You are not having sex especially with a family member!”
“Oh, please,” Buffy sighed, “she’s not into incest. Although, are you really a virgin, Cass?”
“I plead the fifth on that, thank you very much,” the girl in question responded stiffly.
“Cassandra Marianna Frasier!” her mother belted out at the top of her lungs in that ‘you are in so much trouble’ tone of voice.
“Ooo, what’d ya do, Cass?” Xander asked as he came into her bedroom. He’d just come back from the store and Willow was tagging along behind him.
“Yes,” Joyce and Giles walked in behind him. Giles was the one talking. “What did you do, Cassie?”
“We’re making an inspirational poster into porn,” Buffy told them. “Pull up a seat somewhere and feel free join.”
“It’s my turn to read,” Cassie said. “‘Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.’”
“Well,” Xander said slowly, “they’re here and so I guess we should enjoy their riches. Can I have twenty bucks?”
There was a chorus of ‘no,’ ‘hell no,’ and ‘not in your lifetime, bucko’ as well Cassie’s “I can give you a worm that speaks Sumerian.”
Xander shifted. “Moving on from worms that speak, what’s the next one?”
“G is ‘Give more than you planned to,’” Cassie told them with a slight sneer.
“I always do,” Jack remarked with a mischievous smirk.
“No, ya don’t,” Daniel snarked back.
“While Jack gapes at Daniel, we’ll move on.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Oh, the wonders of love.”
“Is that W?” Xander asked inquisitively.
“No, Xander,” Cassie said patiently. Giles smothered snicker. “W doesn’t fall after G.”
“Letters fall?” He was more confused than ever. This could actually have something to do with the fact that he hadn’t had all that much sleep and way too much coffee.
“Never mind,” Buffy shrugged. “H is next and that would be ‘Hang on to your dreams.’”
“I had this one dream about Buffy in this skimpy chain mail underwear working at a strip club—” Xander was interrupted mid sentence.
“Okay,” Cassie clapped her hands together. “Unless anyone else has dreams that reveal a little too much information, let’s move on.”
“Please,” Buffy muttered. “I really didn’t need to hear that dream.”
Giles raised his hand. “I had a dream!”
“If it has to do with my mother and whip cream, don’t continue that train of thought,” Buffy quickly cut him off.
Giles remained suspiciously quiet.
Cassie hurriedly moved onto the next letter. “‘Ignore those who try to discourage you.’”
“See, you ignore those that discourage you! That letter fits you perfectly,” Daniel screeched.
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. Every time I talk about scientific theories about why we’re attracted to each other, you ignore me.” Daniel pouted.
“That’s because we’re typically in the middle of sex!” Jack tried to reason with him.
“But I’m telling you that human attraction can be traced to—”
“I can’t hear you,” Jack sing-songed. “Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t home, leave a message at the tone. Beeepppp!”
“Hello, Jack. This is Daniel.” He leaned in next to Jack’s ear and shouted, “You do too ignore me!”
“Ouch, I have hearing loss.” Jack shielded his ear from his partner while glaring at said partner.
“Okay, the next one applies to the bisexuals who are acting like three year olds.” Buffy glared at the two in question and then turned her gaze on Xander who was starting to open his mouth. “Do. Not. Say. A. Thing.”
Cassie read the sentence for J. “‘Just do it.’”
“Just do it?” Willow snickered. She’d been content sitting back and listening to everyone else but now she had to speak up. “Now that gives me ideas…”
“Me too,” Jack said hurriedly. “Talk to all of you later. Janet, I’m locking your garage. Yes, we’ll clean up after ourselves. Come on, Danny.”
“Bye.” Daniel managed to wave before they left the room.
The room’s occupants dissolved into hysterics. Once they calmed down again, about fifteen minutes later, Giles gave a very Ripper-like smirk. “‘Just do it’ also gives me ideas. Joyce, now that your brother’s left the room, why don’t we go back to our guest room?”
“No,” Buffy bellowed.
Cassie was also blushing but she managed to further embarrass her cousin. “You know, O kind of applies here.”
“You’re going out of order here,” Xander noted.
“Just this once,” Cassie shrugged. “‘Open your eyes and see things as they really are.’ That applies to you, cousin dearest.”
The Slayer curled up in a ball next to Cassie’s bed and started to rock. Her knees were to her chest with her arms wrapped around them. As she rocked back and forth, she chanted, “I was brought by the stork. I was brought by the stork because my MOTHER DOES NOT HAVE SEX. My mother and my Watcher do not have sex. EVER.”
Giles just couldn’t resist. “Actually, there was this one time when we—”
“My car,” Janet yelped. She’d just remembered that Jack and Daniel had departed for the garage where her nice, new convertible was. Okay, it was for Cassie when she got her license and it was about five years old…but still. She didn’t want to give her daughter a car that had been pollinated. The other occupants of the room watched in disbelief as the normally collected doctor rushed out of the room.
The next thing they heard was, “I’m blind! I’m blind. I did not see my brother going at it on—get off the car!”
Cassie’s eyes went wide with horror. “My mom’s car isn’t in the garage…My car. They’re having sex on my car!”
Then their mouths dropped again as Janet’s next remark filtered into the room. “Ooo, nice not-so-little Daniel. You really, really did well for yourself, big brother.”
They watched as Jack dragged his youngest sibling in…by the ear no less. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his pants were half done—which caused both his nieces to snicker—but he was still twisting his sister’s ear as he shoved her in front of him.
“Mine to look at,” he growled. “Not yours, not your daughter’s, mine! Could you get this through your heads?”
“Does this mean that you don’t want your family checking out your mate?” Buffy asked with a quick smile that vanished before her uncle glared at her. After his growl, she pouted. “But that takes all the fun out of life.”
“Don’t try to reason with him,” Cassie told her. “He’s really acting like a Neanderthal now.”
“But I don’t get it,” Xander said. “Since I’m not technically related to your family, does that mean I can check him out?”
“No!” Jack bellowed. “Now I’m going to return to Daniel. Got it?”
“Not on the car,” Janet returned just as sharply. “Anywhere other than any of the cars. Got it?”
As soon as Jack left, Cassie groaned. “I can’t believe that they had sex on my car.”
“From what I saw, they had sex on your car multiple times.” Then both of them colored. “Let’s just forget I ever said that.”
“Amen.” Cassie bit her lip and hoped she’d be able to repress that sentence.
“Moving on,” Buffy tried for perky, “it’s time for letter K. ‘Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.’”
“Am I the only one slightly grossed out by the images that could bring?”
Willow laughed. “Speak for yourself, Xander. The sentence reminds me of my first time with Oz.”
“TMI, TMI!” Xander yelped.
“Yeah, I know that phenomenon,” Buffy agreed. “Angel took four times to reach ‘bliss.’ Honestly, he wasn’t even that great.”
Joyce and Giles choked.
“Hey, you know what they say,” Buffy said with an evil grin. “Payback’s a bitch.”
“Young lady,” Joyce started to lecture her.
“Can it, Mother. If you’re going to discuss your sex life, I can cuss and discuss my sex life.” She smiled innocently. “Of course, everyone knows that I’m so very pure and I’ve only had one lover.”
Cassie snickered. She knew better. Buffy leveled a glare at her that would have killed the Devil at twenty feet. But it only widened Cassie’s grin further.
“And what was the wonderful sex god like?”
“Didn’t I just say that Angel sucked?” Buffy dodged the question. “L is ‘Love yourself first and most.’”
Cassie blinked. “Wait, Mrs. Yarrow is giving us permission to be narcissistic? Isn’t vanity like one of the deadly sins or something?”
“Not certain,” Buffy shrugged. “But loving your self the most isn’t that great in a relationship.”
“No kidding,” Xander agreed. “It’s part of why it was only physical with Cordy and me.”
“Oh, Xander was narcissistic,” Cassie cooed. “Poor Cordy.”
“Hey, I was not narcissistic…wait, Willow, that does that mean vain, right?”
“Yes, Xand,” Willow grinned. “Okay, this is fun but the game of revelations is stretching my nerves to a breaking point.”
“‘Make it happen,’” Buffy snickered.
“This chick wants us to fake an orgasm?” Willow sneered. She could pretend to be shy little Willow all she wanted, but she had to get her kicks somewhere. Therefore, she started laughing when the adults went white.
“Hmm, maybe she wants the guys to force a hard-on,” Cassie suggested.
“Maybe it’s time for the next line,” Giles spoke up quickly. His glasses couldn’t take much more cleaning.
“‘Never lie, cheat, or steal, always strike a fair deal,’” Willow said drolly.
“But girls lie too,” Cassie protested.
“And guys lie even more often,” Xander brought up that point.
“Keep harboring your delusions.” Buffy laughed at the look on his face.
“‘Practice makes perfect,’” Willow read one aloud.
Before anyone could even say anything, a moan echoed from the garage.
Joyce blushed. Then she noted, “I guess they took care of us commenting on that.”
“‘Quitters never win and winners never quit.’” Xander read the next line.
“Does that combined with the last line mean that Dom and I can have a sex marathon?” Cassie smirked.
The adults looked horrified. Joyce was the one who spoke up first. “Absolutely, positively, eight-hundred percent NOT on your life!”
“Damn. Oh, well. It was worth a shot.”
“That line still makes me wonder,” Buffy noted slowly.
“Okay,” Giles said quickly, “‘Read, study, and learn about everything important in your life.’”
“See,” Xander glared at Willow, “Mrs. Yarrow supports my collection under the bed.”
Joyce glared at the boy she considered to be her son. “Mrs. Yarrow supports what?”
That was about the moment that Xander started cursing the Fourth of July. After all, that was the reason why Giles and Joyce had decided to visit in the first place. “Nothing…”
“Xander, adults get suspicious if you avoid making eye contact,” Buffy laughed. She’d been there, done that, and never wanted to be cornered like that again.
“Okay,” Xander muttered while trying to back away from Joyce.
“Here’s a new one,” Cassie called out. “‘Stop procrastinating.’”
“You know, there’s a spare bedroom,” Janet smirked. Like Buffy had originally noticed, smirking made her look a lot like Ripper.
“Yes, and Giles is sleeping on the floor.” Joyce cocked an eyebrow at Janet. Admittedly, she didn’t seem to have a problem with the hints of a sexual relationship that sometimes seemed to litter Joyce and Giles’s relationship but that wasn’t a topic for conversation.
“But why?” Janet grinned innocently.
“My mother doesn’t have sex,” Buffy kept repeating. “I was brought by the stork. My mother doesn’t have sex. I was brought by the stork.”
“It does say that we should stop procrastinating,” Giles murmured. “What do you say, Joyce?”
“Let’s go discuss it first,” Joyce suggested. “If we do or don’t, we should at least consider the consequences.”
“My mother doesn’t have sex. I was brought by the stork. My mother doesn’t have sex. I was brought by the stork. My mother doesn’t have sex.”
“Bye you two,” Janet waved to the last two adults that had remained in the room.
Willow knew she had to get everyone’s mind off of what would most likely occur in the spare bedroom. “Alright, here’s ‘Take control of your own destiny.’”
“Isn’t that the truth?” Buffy asked from her place sprawled on the floor.
“Amen,” Janet agreed. “As such, I’m running errands. Does anyone want to come with me?”
“I—” Xander started to say.
Instead, he was cut off by Cassie. “No, we’ll stay here. We might go get some ice cream if the couples get to be too much.”
“Alright,” her mother smiled with relief, “here’s some money.”
After Janet had left, the teenage girls burst into hysterical laughter. Xander just blinked. “What just happened?”
“And men rule this country,” Willow sighed. “With those epitomes of mental giants ruling, no wonder America’s headed for the pits of hell.”
“Literally,” Buffy added. “I figure it’s sinking further into hell by two inches every season.”
“It’s really sinking?” Xander looked puzzled.
“Never mind.” Cassie shook her head. “Don’t pay attention to us; you’ll be hopelessly lost.”
“Huh?” Xander couldn’t have looked more confused.
“Let’s skip to the last letter,” Willow spoke up. “That way, we can go get that ice cream.”
“‘Zero in on your target,’” Xander read for the first and last time. “What target?”
“Well,” Cassie laughed as a masculine scream echoed through the house. “In Jack’s case, it was Daniel. In my case, it was Dom. In Uncle Giles’s case, it was Joyce…”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” Buffy pleaded.
“My target was Oz or maybe I was his.” Willow’s smile reached her eyes.
“My target at the moment,” Buffy chuckled for the first time in a while, “is a banana split with extra hot fudge sauce, anchovies, and extra cherries.”
“Excuse me?” Cassie’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline.
“What?” Buffy just grinned.
“What do you mean, ‘What?’?” Xander asked with a green face as the foursome walked out of the house. “It sounds awful.”
As they walked down the driveway, one last moan issued from the house.
“That wasn’t a man’s moan.” Buffy looked green.
“Walk faster,” Cassie urged.
Then they kept bickering all the way to the ice cream place.