Title: Re: (no subject)
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and JK Rowling own all the recognizable things within.
Author's Note: Response to Challenge #366: The Spam E-mail Challenge. It wasn't the *very* next spam...forgive me?
Severus glanced up at the owl hovering in front of him, an envelope tied to its claw. He rarely received mail. Occasionally he'd order supplies through owl post, but he preferred hand picking most things himself. And this was a letter, not a package.
"Mail! Ooh, pass me some toast Sev? Splendor's had a long flight, haven't you sweetie?"
Severus gave Willow a brief look, watching as she cooed and petted the spoiled owl, before shoving the plate her way.
"Oh, and some sausage? Or maybe some--"
"Get it yourself," he snapped, scowling as the owl snapped its beak at him. Willow just shrugged and reached over his plate, dragging her sleeve through his marmalade toast. With a shake of his head he turned his attention back to the rather patient owl still hovering in front of him.
Severus carefully untied the letter from the bird and before he could offer a snack, the bird took flight. Severus looked back at Willow's owl who was gorging itself on bacon and shook his head. At least some owls knew their place.
Glancing over the envelope, he frowned. He didn't know a Cecile Hamlin. Giving a mental shrug, he tore the envelope open.
The first line stated, rather boldly in a blue ink, 'Grow 1-3 inches in under a month'.
Why in the world would he want to be taller? He already towered over most of his students. He'd long since perfected the perfect way of sneering down on others, even those who matched his height.
Then again...a few extra inches could be a bit more foreboding.
Severus gave a dark smirk, already picturing some first years staring up at him in horror.
Severus continued reading with renewed interest wondering if it was a charm, spell or possibly some new plant. "30 percent is rather impressive," Severus muttered quietly to himself as he continued reading. His dark smirk faded slowly, however, as he read word after word. "Length? But that... 'more pleasurable or--'" Severus snapped his mouth shut as he read the final lines, the little color he had drained quickly from his face.
He blinked his wide eyes once, before he felt the rush of red heat wash over his face, "Is this some kind of joke?" Severus growled, his rage barely contained.
Willow jumped back as a parchment was shoved in front of her face, "Severus, what," She gave him an irritated look before putting her own letter down and grabbing the one Severus was grasping. Scanning it quickly, she couldn't stop herself as she snorted loudly. She slapped her hand over her mouth and sent wide eyes toward Severus.
A very bad idea.
Severus was pissed off. And embarrassed. Very, very embarrassed. Willow was pretty sure she'd never seen Severus quite so red in the face. This was much different than the imbecile-child-blowing-up-cauldron red rage. This was a my-very-manhood-has-been--
"You have some nerve!"
Willow quickly realized she'd been giggling and tried desperately to calm herself. But c'mon! What did he expect? Could he look anymore insulted...embarrassed...put out? "Severus, I--" she giggled again, "Sorry! I just -- you--"
"Oh, shut up!"
Willow gaped as Severus pushed himself away from the table, standing so abruptly that his chair toppled backward. If most of the staff and student body hadn't already turned their attention their way because of the raised voices and giggling, they were certainly looking now.
Willow blushed as the attention of the whole great hall ping-ponged between herself and the quickly retreating Severus. She glanced away from the curious eyes, and dropped her gaze to the table.
'Rock hard erections that last'.
Willow let out another bark of laughter that was promptly followed by the slamming of the hall's doors.
Oh, there was going to be hell to pay tonight.
There was silence for a few moments as the sound of the slamming door reverberated through the hall and then, as if a switch had been hit, the chatter resumed, albeit a few decibels louder.
"You'd think the git would be smart enough to treat the girl he finally managed to dupe into dating a little better," Ron shook his head as he picked his fork up again, "I don't think I'd be risking it over something small if I was him."
"I dunno," Harry said, twisting around in his chair, "he looked pretty angry."
"He looked awfully embarrassed," Hermione added quietly.
Ron made a face at the notion that Professor Snape could possibly even be able to emote that sort of emotion. Receiving an elbow in his side, he turned to glare at Neville.
Neville didn't notice through as he was looking at a letter with a confused frown on his face, "It says I've won something. What's a portable DVD player?"