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Fuddy the Vampire Slayer

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Story

Summary: The most famous of hunters seeks new prey. Unfortunately, Bugs Bunny makes a wrong turn in Albuquerque.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Looney ToonsEricJablowFR711,177091,12828 Aug 0428 Aug 04Yes
Disclaimer: The characters of Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and Porky Pig are the property of Warner Brothers Movies and Television. The characters of Buffy, Angel, Cordelia, Xander, Willow, and Oz, and the town of Sunnydale, CA are the property of Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, Kuzui Enterprises, and Mutant Enemy, Inc. No infringement is intended.

Notes: I thought up this story after a USENET discussion of “The Harsh light of Day,” where someone suggested that Xander should have liberated some of the treasure from the vault of Amara. He invoked Daffy Duck (in Ali Baba Bunny): “I'm Rich! I'm Rich! I'm a Happy Miser!” Really, doesn't the show seem cartoonish at times?

***Main Title:
Merrie Melodies
***Music:
The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down
***Opening Credits:
Bugs Bunny IN
Fuddy the Vampire Slayer

***Scene: A starry night, ¾ moon. A wooded area.
***Music: Powerhouse, by the Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by Carl Stalling.

A tall figure in a cape runs directly toward the camera. Behind it is a shorter man in a trenchcoat. Suddenly, a tunnel extends itself from the left side of the screen, stops in the center, and Bugs Bunny pokes his head out. The caped figure trips and falls into the hole.

Bugs: “Hey, what's the big idea?”

Cape: “Run! The Slayer!”

Cape disappears down the tunnel.

Bugs: “This isn't Pismo Beach! I must have made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

---

The trenchcoated figure is in the center of the screen holding a crossbow; he has a large wooden stake propped up behind his ear.

Elmer: “Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting vampiyas. Heh heh heh heh heh.”

Elmer raises his crossbow and fires. The bolt flies between Bugs' ears, just missing the top of his head; Bugs ducks back into the hole. Elmer runs to the hole and starts jabbing into it with a wooden stake.

Elmer: “Die! Die fiend! Back to Hell with you!”

Bugs raises himself out the hole munching a carrot, and fingers the tip of the stake.

Bugs: “Eh, what's up doc? And, watch where you stick that thing, will ya. Somebody might get hurt.”

Elmer: “Time to die, vamp! I'm Fuddy the Vampiya Slayuh and it's Vampiya Season, so die!”

Bugs dodges the stake thrust, grabs Elmer's hat and pulls it down over his entire head, and runs off.

***Music: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals, by the Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by Carl Stalling.

Bugs races through the forest while dodging occasional crossbow bolts from Elmer.

Bugs comes to a road; he sees a sign:

Welcome to Sunnydale, California
Pop. 8706

A bell tolls next to the sign.

Pop. 8705
Toll
Pop. 8704
Toll
Pop. 8703
Toll
Pop. 8702

Bugs: “Duh-yee! I really made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

A crossbow bolt nicks Bugs' tail and embeds itself in a tree. Bugs marches over to Elmer.

Bugs: “Hey, doc! What makes you think I'm a vampire, eh?”

Elmer: “Vampiyas wise fwom theya gwaves at night, and you wose fwom youwa gwave at night.”

Bugs: “My hole, a grave--why, I'll have you know I live in a split-level hole with three bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms.”

Elmer: “And vampiyas have big teeth. You have big teeth.”

Bugs: “Me, a vampire? Why, I could never hurt a fly.”

A fly buzzes around the two of them.

Bugs: “Do you see that fly?”

Elmer: “Yessss.”

Bugs tries to swat the fly away, but misses; the followthrough whaps Elmer in the face. Elmer turns red—steam roils from the top of his bald scalp. Elmer dives for Bugs, but Bugs jumps out of the way. Elmer chases Bugs.

---

Sunnydale Municipal Cemetery

Bugs: “Well, if he's looking for dead guys…”

(Maid Service Available)

Bugs: “What kind of town is this anyway?”

Bugs runs into the cemetery, followed by Elmer. They chase each other through a graveyard. Elmer trips over a headstone and lands on his face; his nose crunches up like an accordion.

They find themselves at a double row of mausoleums; Bugs heads into one and slams the door. Elmer goes to it and tries to go in, when Bugs comes out of a different crypt behind him. This repeats about 8 times. Finally, Elmer goes to the crypt Bugs has just entered. The door is locked.

Elmer: “All wight. Come out now, ow I'll bwast you out.”

Bugs walks through the crypt—there are stairs leading to a basement.

Bugs: “Never seen a split-level town house for the dead before.”

Bugs goes down the stairs, only to find a room with a couch, a television, and a coffin.

Bugs: “A television? Who's here to watch it?”

A clattering noise comes from upstairs.

Elmer (off-screen): “All wight, I got you now, foul vampiya!”

Bugs: “Well, there's only one place to hide.”

Bugs goes to the coffin, opens it, and climbs in, nudging its occupant aside.

Bugs: “Excuse me.”

Coffin Guy: “Don't mention it.”

Bugs: “Aiiyee!”

Bugs explodes out of the coffin and jumps into Elmer's arms.

Bugs: “Did you see that?”

Elmer: “What?”

Bugs: “Hey, put me down.”

Bugs climbs down. The coffin creaks, and both Bugs and Elmer race up the stairs and out of the crypt.

---

They make it outside and slam the door shut.

Bugs: “Oh, thank you for saving me.”

Bugs gives Elmer a big kiss, and then pulls Elmer's hat down over his face again. Bugs runs off.

Elmer: “I hate that vampiya.”

Elmer gives chase. They race up and down the hills of the cemetery, Elmer occasionally firing crossbow bolts at Bugs. Finally, Bugs hops a fence and finds himself on a city street.

Bugs: “Whew, I didn't think I'd ever lose him. Well, I could use a drink right now.”

Bugs walks down the street, turns a corner, only to find Elmer standing in front of him, crossbow aimed at his heart.

Elmer: “Say youwa pwayuhs, vamp.”

Bugs sinks to his knees, steeples his hands, and prays.

Elmer: “Now stand up. This won't huwt a bit.”

Suddenly, a tall man in a blue uniform looms over Elmer.

Officer: “You're under arrest!”

Elmer: “But, but—”

Officer: “Don't you know it's illegal to carry a loaded crossbow within the city limits? You're coming with me.”

Elmer: “But, Officuh—”

Officer: “Tell it to the judge.”

The policeman handcuffs Elmer and drags him off. Bugs turns up the street.

Bugs: “What a maroon. What an im-bessle.”

Loud music [a distorted version of “A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich, and You”] pours from a club across the street, and Bugs heads in.

Bugs finds a seat at the center of the bar.

Bartender: “What would you like?”

Bugs: “Carrot juice.”

Bartender: “Two bucks. Coming right up.”

The bartender pours a glass of carrot juice from a bottle, and hands it to Bugs. He then turns to the six people sitting to Bugs' left:

Bartender: “Here you go: a mocha blast, a tomato juice, an iced tea, a double espresso, and two decafs.”

All: “Thanks.”

Bugs turns to the woman next to him.

Bugs: “Can you believe this town? Some guy thought I was a vampire. Vampires don't exist!”

Buffy: “Well, you never know what you'll find here in Sunnydale.”

(In unison)
Angel:
Cordelia:
Xander:
Willow:
Oz: “Hear, hear!”

Bugs looks at them. Bugs looks at the mirror behind the bar. Bugs does a double-take, and stares at the gang.

Bugs: “One, two, three, four, five, six.”

Bugs looks at the mirror.

Bugs: “One, two, three, four, five.”

Bugs looks at Angel.

Bugs looks at the mirror.

Bugs looks at Angel.

Bugs: “Bye!”

Bugs turns and runs right through the door, leaving a Bugs-shaped hole.

Bartender: “What's his problem?”

All: “Tourists!”

***Closing credits

Porky: “Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!”

The End

You have reached the end of "Fuddy the Vampire Slayer". This story is complete.

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