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Bodyguard Buffy

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Summary: A response to Kei’s Bodyguard Challenge. The President has a bright idea to solve both SGC’s and the Scoobies problems. Season 8 spoilers.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Buffy-CenteredPaBurkeFR151124,20987298191,51530 Aug 0412 Jan 08No

Blackmail and Barters

(Author’s thoughts: I have this pair of lines that I have to write down so that I can use it in a fic. Huh, the conversation just appeared around it. Boy, this is really light-hearted; it won’t fit in with most of my fics. I think that Bodyguard Buffy just got a new chapter… Crud. How did that happen?)

Title: Blackmail and Barters
Rating: PG-15 or higher, now that Faith is a permanent member of the story.
Spoilers: Ha, that’s assuming that there’s a plot. Only Fragile Balance.


“Summers, my office. Now.” Brigadier General Jack O’Neil grabbed the civilian bodyguard for Daniel and steered her toward his office.

Buffy stared at him but allowed him to man-handle her. “What? But General Jack?”

“Now.” As soon as the two of them were in the office, Jack closed the door behind them.

Buffy plopped into the guest’s chair. “Why am I getting pulled into the principal’s office again? Carter didn’t do anything bad, Willow didn’t do anything bad.”

“I noticed that you didn’t include yourself.”

“The Marines promised that they wouldn’t tattle.”

“Wasn’t that in exchange for you not showing anyone the security tape of their first time with long bows? And that’s blackmail. You can get in big trouble for blackmailing a government employee.”

“I didn’t show anyone.”

“You just put it in Carter’s way and you know her curiosity.”

“But I didn’t show anyone and I wouldn’t have been tempted if the government had seen fit to teach its soldiers how to shoot. Then the video wouldn’t have been so darn funny that every scientist on the floor heard Sam laughing and went to investigate. She has a wicked cool cackle.”

“As a consequence, here’s your reading assignment: How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dr. Daniel Jackson.” Jack dropped an inch thick report into her lap.

Buffy picked it up by one corner as if it was a dirty sock. “I thought that was written by someone else.”

“The hardbound book, yeah, but not this.”

She finally opened the first page and read aloud. “ ‘Regulations and Conducts for First Contact in the Universe’?”

“I like my title better.”

“It’s been done.”

“But I bet that my book is more effective than the original.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “It’s not like you wrote it. ‘Sides, I’ve been off planet already without harming the SGC’s rep and maybe helping it a bit. I don’t need this.”

“The Marines with bruised egos say otherwise.”

“They didn’t complain to you,” Buffy was certain. “I took them out to a steak dinner and gave them targets to pummel. They’re good. We’re good.” She tossed the plastic bound report to the side. “I don’t need this.”

Jack picked it up and handed it right back. “Yes, you do. Good will and a great right hook won’t get you everywhere off-world.”

“So send me to the places where it will. And send Faith with me.”

“Nope. Carter and Daniel are our first contact team for a reason: they’re good at the job. I’m not going to change SG1’s primary missions just ‘cause those two gained some diplomatically-inept bodyguards. While you’re reading this, make sure Lehane reads it too.”

“That’s a joke right? Faith is not going to read this monstrosity. Hell, I’m not going to read it.”

“There’s been some concerns raised about the affect Lehane might have on our diplomatic relations.”

“Well, since she’s been doing the horizontal mambo with your clone, she hasn’t been hitting on every male in sight. You’re getting her as good as she gets.”

Jack choked at Buffy’s causal revelation. “Lehane is…”

“Banging your clone? Yep and thoroughly enjoying it to, from the way she’s humming in the mornings.”

“Lehane is humming?”

“Yep. ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?’ ”

“I don’t want to know this,” Jack complained.

“Hey, be nice,” Buffy chided. “It’s not Faith’s fault that you’re saving yourself for your one true love and aren’t getting any.”

“Summers,” Jack growled. “Even on her best behavior, Lehane is not someone that our Earth-bound allies will let through the Gate. And I refuse to introduce her to our alien allies that she might get along with. So either the two of you read the tome and show that you’ll try to follow the guidelines or neither of you will be going through the Gate.”

“That’s not playing fair.”

“Tough. If you have to read it, there’s a chance that Lehane will read it. Just get the main highlights.”

“Can’t we just go through the Gate and stand at Daniel’s and Sam’s side looking dark and foreboding and bodyguard like?”

“No, you’d be stealing Teal’c’s schtick. No one would believe it and sometimes guile does work.”

“True,” Buffy said resentfully. “But the book’s so thick.”

“You’ll live. I’ll make you a deal –you read the book and for each chapter I’ll have you and Lehane over to my house for food and I’ll tell you the stories of why some of the rules were added to the manual.”

Buffy contemplated the exchange. “Okay. It’s a deal. I’ll try and talk Faith into it. But you better be a good storyteller, ‘cause if you don’t entertain after we read the first chapter, the deal’s off. And you better be a good cook, ‘cause we eat a lot.”


“Hey, if it’s really good food and you don’t talk a lot, Faith will fill the empty airtime by telling you how good your clone is in bed. All that youthful vitality.”


“What? If I have to hear about all of their exploits, someone else should be tortured too.”


“But General Jack…”

“Out. Now.”

Buffy left without saying anything else; Jack always had to have the last word. But as she was walking away she was humming, “Doncha wish your girlfriend was fun like me…”

Jack slammed his office door shut.


The End?

You have reached the end of "Bodyguard Buffy" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 12 Jan 08.

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