Title: Bodyguard Buffy
Summary: A response to Kei’s Bodyguard Challenge. The President has a bright idea to solve both SGC’s and the Scoobies problems. Season 8 spoilers.
Disclaimer: I own neither Buffy nor Jack and Daniel. I get no money, therefore I have no money to take. For pleasure only.
Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth
Crossover: Stargate SG1
Spoilers: Season Eight SG1 AU, Post-Season Seven BtVS
Rating: for a little language
Author’s Note: I know, I know. The last thing I need is to start another story. It was shear stupidity that I was reading through the TtH challenge listings. I don’t know what attracted me more: the ‘not a love story’ or the idea of little Buffy as someone’s bodyguard. Please understand that with my (weird) sense of humor this is very light and funny.
AN2: Raven mentioned that I lost a purse somewhere along the way. I found a few other typos and corrected them. Nothing changed in the actual story line though.
Challenge Issuer: Kei
Challenge #: 446
Challenge Name: The Buffy Bodyguard Challenge
Your challenge, should you chose to accept it, is to write a General fic (in other words- not a love story), featuring Buffy as a bodyguard in a crossover of your choice. Must Haves: 1.) Buffy in high heels. 2.) An argument over a banana peel. 3.) A flat tire. 4.) Drunken karaoke. Bonus Points for Those Who: 1.) Keep it light and funny (the banana peel should give that away...). 2.) Place Buffy Post Season Seven. 3.) Crossover with Stargate, Harry Potter, or West Wing (so sue me for being selfish, I read those the most). 4.) Have delirious amounts of fun doing this. Challenge Date 2004-08-16
Part 1: High Heels and Flat Tires
Jack had known that life would get out of control once the Stargate program went public, but this? This was ridiculous. Daniel was getting mobbed every time he went off the base. Some wanted Daniel for his looks but the more dangerous ones wanted Daniel for his brains.
The President had a solution: get Daniel a bodyguard. The President even had someone in mind for the job. He had called in a personal favor and asked a girl if she wanted the job. Jack wanted to know who really owed whom the personal favor. The girl had accepted so Jack had to play nice with the civilian. Who had ever heard of a female civilian bodyguard for a male Air Force consultant? Daniel had made Jack’s life difficult from the first time he had met the geek. He should be used to it by now.
So here Jack was, in his dress blues with a star on each shoulder, waiting for the President’s mysterious friend who was supposed to keep trouble-magnet Daniel out of trouble. He had been waiting for a half-hour. He had more important things to do than wait for some girl. Jack might as well assign a squad of marines to Daniel and be done with it. At least that way, he’d get to yell at the jarheads every time Daniel got into trouble.
“A red truck pulling up to the gate, sir,” the sergeant reported.
Jack nodded; glad his sunglasses masked his true feelings. He pitied the poor guards. He had been a regular ass.
The 4x4 red truck was rusted out and had Ohio license plates. The front driver’s side tire was one of those itty-bitty-pray-that-you-make-it-spares. A man sat behind the wheel and he had . . . was that an eye-patch? The passenger door opened and someone stepped out. All Jack could see of her was her very shapely legs, accentuated by the black strappy heels and the top of the woman’s blond head through the window. The door hid the rest of her.
The girl slammed the door and one of the guards whistled under his breath. Jack rolled his eyes. Surely this was not Daniel’s new bodyguard? She was so tiny. She was wearing a skirt, black and though it was not a mini, it was close enough. The red sweater-shirt thing looked like the one Janet had had Jack buy for Cassie last Christmas. Jack ignored the shaft of grief that flooded his soul and watched the girl. Either the girl was not carrying a gun or she hid it somewhere very creative.
What had the President been thinking and how could Jack place this girl with Daniel and not expect him to get hurt? How could Jack minimize the damage? None of the marines really had done anything horrible enough to merit getting pulled from their regular duty and getting stuck with this cluster-flop.
The girl lifted a trunk off the tailgate and the truck bounced violently. Jack was shocked. Either the truck had really horrible shocks or the girl was stronger than most men. Jack internally debated on both possibilities. The girl set the trunk on the ground, slid a bookbag over her shoulders and wheeled the trunk to the driver’s side. The driver gave her a hug and a chaste kiss through the open window. They said a few words, exchanged another hug and the man backed up the truck, waved and left the way he came.
The petite blond female walked right up to the gate, wheeling her trunk behind her. The guards were waiting for Jack’s order to open the gate, but Jack was stalling. The girl dropped the trunk, and placed her bookbag on it. Then she shoved her sunglasses to the top of her head.
Jack left the gatehouse to stand opposite the girl, the gate divided the two. She looked even frailer up close. She chewed her bubble-gum with a snap. The childish action did nothing to hide her aged eyes from Jack.
“You O’Neill?” she asked.
“Goin’ to let me in?”
“Maybe. You Summers?”
“Kinda little for a bodyguard.”
“I could jump the fence and pound you but the President asked me to be nice.”
Jack smirked. “That’s funny. He told me the same thing.”
She grinned at him and Jack sensed a kindred spirit. He waved to the guards and the gate started to ponderously open.
When the gate no longer separated the two, the girl offered her hand. “Buffy Summers. Sorry I’m late, we had a flat tire.”
Jack accepted. “I noticed. I’m General Jack O’Neill. All teasing aside, do you think you can keep Daniel out of trouble?” Jack motioned to the tunnel to the elevators. They started to walk and Jack had to consciously adjust his stride to her short legs. He reached for her trunk but Buffy kept it out of reach.
“I’ve got it,” she said. “But you can carry the bookbag.” Buffy offered Jack the color-coordinated pack. “Protect Jackson? From outside sources, yes. From his own stupidity, I’ve got bribes.”
Jack accepted the backpack and raised an eyebrow. “Good bribes?”
Jack grinned. “This I’ve got to see. I’d give you the whole tour, but Daniel’s better at it. You do know what we do here, right?”
The blond rolled her eyes. “You’d have to be on another planet to miss the news flash. Oh wait, you have been on another planet-plural.”
Jack threw his head back and laughed. “This is going to be beautiful. I really haven’t had a chance to harass Daniel much since I got promoted. I’m very glad someone’s going to be around to yank his chain.”
“Dr. Jackson’s a friend?” asked Buffy.
Jack led the way to security and watched as the guards checked her ID, her letter of introduction from the President, took her picture and gave her a SGC security pass. Then the pair walked onto an elevator and started the trip down.
“So why’d you accept the job anyway?”
Buffy shrugged. “Long story, but the private company I did security for suddenly got an influx of new people who could do my job. You know, younger, fresh ideas, the works and they’re good. I wasn’t really needed. I was hindering the others from doing their best. I’ve got a little sister to put through college and the President heard I was looking for a job and offered a lot of money to babysit with guaranteed travel to exotic places. How could I turn it down, even if I had to spend time with a certified geek?”
Oh, no. The President had promised that she could go through the Gate? Jack was going to be spending some time on the red phone. “You know we’ll have to certify you for Gate travel.”
Jack made a slight detour to the VIP room so Buffy could drop off her cumbersome personal belongings. Jack noted all the scraps and dents on the trunk. It looked out of place in the pristine suite. Buffy glanced over the rooms wordlessly and opted to keep her bookbag on hand. Jack gave it over thankfully. He had always been amazed at the shear weight women could put into those things.
Buffy brought Jack’s attention back to the conversation. “Easiest certification you’ve ever done.”
Boy, this girl was cocky. “We’ll see.” But certifying her would give Jack a good chance to preview her skills. Jack could keep Daniel on base until Buffy had a chance to strut her stuff. And if she didn’t work out, Jack could call up the President and plead his case with the facts.
Buffy just laughed at his doubting expression. “Bring it on, Old Man.”
“Old?” Jack screeched. “Who you callin’ old?”
“Just observing the gray hair.”
“That’s Daniel’s fault. I earned it. You’ll be gray too by the end of this job.”
Buffy bantered back, “But I know how to use this nifty new invention called ‘hair dye.’”
By this time, the two stood in the conference room overlooking the Gate.
Jack waved his hand proudly. “There it is. Gateway to the worlds. And Daniel opened it.” Jack heard a familiar footfall on the stairs. “Speaking of which . . .”
“Jack!” Daniel burst into the room. “I got caught up translating the stone that SG14 brought back from . . . oh, you don’t care. I forgot about the bodyguard. You did tell the President that it wasn’t necessary, right?”
Jack rocked back on his heels and exchanged a grin with Buffy. “Too late.”
Daniel looked at Buffy, confused. “Too late? Jack, I really don’t need a bodyguard.”
“Daniel,” Jack said with the tone of false patience. “You got your clothes torn off you the last time you went to your apartment.”
Daniel flushed. “Well, that was just a one time occurrence, I’m sure.”
Buffy finally spoke up. “So you are the cute one with the tight butt and Bugs Bunny boxers. You know those pictures are all over the Internet, right? This’ll make Christmas shopping easier.”
Daniel stilled, staring at Buffy confused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that Jack was in a meeting. I can come back and talk to Jack later.”
Jack gripped Daniel’s shoulder. “Don’t go. I was about to bring Buffy down to introduce her. Daniel, this is Buffy Summers. Buffy, this is Dr. Daniel Jackson.” Daniel really looked confused now. “She’s your new bodyguard.”
Daniel started shaking his head. “Oh, no.” His expression went form politely interested to petulant in a second. Then he looked confused again. After all, he did tower over the girl, who was quite young. “Jack, is this a joke?”
“Nope.” Jack’s playful expression belied his word.
Buffy offered her hand. “It’s nice to meet you Dr. Jackson. Do you get concussed a lot?”
Forever mannerly, Daniel shook her hand. He was saying ‘no’ even as Jack was saying ‘yes.’
Buffy sighed dramatically. “Well, I see that I have my work cut out for me. Young, cute Giles. So Jackson, why don’t you show me where the nearest doctor is. I’m sure I’ll be taking you there a lot.”
Daniel set his jaw as Jack laughed.
Buffy threw up her hands. “Sorry Jack. I’ll keep him alive for you, but keeping him from totally getting hurt is something beyond even my capabilities.”
Jack nodded. “I understand. After all, I’ve been trying for years. Told you the gray was earned. Daniel, I’ve got some general-type-stuff to do. Will you take Buffy around, give her the tour?”
Daniel was back to pouting. “Give me one good reason why I should.”
Jack opened his mouth but Buffy beat him to it. “One? I’ve got three but if you only want one . . .”
Daniel folded his arms over his chest. “I’m waiting.”
Buffy dug into her bookbag and pulled out three very old books. Daniel eyed them with great interest. Even their smell alerted Daniel to their age. “So do you want the beginning, middle or end?”
“Of what?” asked Daniel.
“The story.” Daniel shook his head, not understanding, so Buffy explained. “You know, snake-heads leaving Earth, big rebellion?” She waved the books in Daniel’s face. “You didn’t think anyone wrote it down?”
Daniel dove for the books but Buffy tossed them on the table and stood between Daniel and his prize. Daniel faked to the left and then the right but Buffy was still in the way. Daniel couldn’t elude her. “You get one now. Which one do you want?” Buffy was taunting Daniel.
Daniel turned to his friend. “Jack! Help!”
Jack shrugged. “It sounds fair to me. After all, you can only read one at a time. I’m sure that if you cooperate with Miss Summers, you’ll be able to work out some sort of arrangement.”
Daniel pointed a finger at Jack. “You’re enjoying this. There could be vital information in there!”
Jack grinned at Buffy. “I assume that if any of it was time-sensitive you’d let us know.”
“Of course.” Buffy looked rather slighted.
Jack turned back to Daniel, his expression one of mock helplessness. “It’s your call, Daniel. You work with her you get to read the books. The books were time-sensitive a couple thousand years ago.”
Jack was proud of his pupil. Daniel was almost intimidating. He grinned again at Buffy. “Geek bribe. You are good.”
Buffy smirked cheekily. “Oh, yes. I know.”
The End For Now
P.S. Plans for the banana peel and the karaoke are in the works.