They're Creepy and They're Kooky
Summary: Buffy decides she needs to check out Xander's "new" family.(Crossover with the Addams Family & a cameo by the Brady Bunch).
Disclaimer: I disclaim this whole story. Seriously, I am in no way affiliated with the owners or creators of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, The Addams Family (snap, snap) or the Brady Bunch. No harm is intended to the copyright holders. This story was written for my own odd amusement and hopefully the enjoyment of others.
Dedicated to all my on-line friends and reviewers who are Creep and Kooky - you all know who you are. :)
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"What?" was chorused several times over as everyone looked at Xander.
"Uncle Rory, he told me I was adopted." Xander's voice was eerily soft. "He said I have the right to know."
Buffy put her hand on his knee. "So, what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to find them." He answered.
"Then what?" Dawn asked.
Xander looked at them and smiled. "Well, then I'll introduce them to my girls."
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Buffy walked down the sidewalk looking for the address she was given. Xander had found his birth family and had invited her to come and meet his new family.
She walked past the cemetery it was one of the few not on her nightly patrol route. She approached the next house cautiously. It was a tall three-story Victorian Mansion with four large gables. The house looked gloomy and dismal and she could almost swear there was a dark cloud hovering over the house. She checked the address again, '000 Cemetery Lane'. It was the address for which she was looking. This creepy looking place was Xander's new home?
Buffy approached the house carefully. A wrought-iron fence surrounded it, with a sign that said "Beware of the Thing." She reached to open the gate, but it opened by itself. She walked through the gate and turned to close it, but the gate again moved by itself, closing, and locking on its own. She stared at the gate a moment before deciding that it must be electronic and continued to walk to the door.
She still felt a bit wiged-out and reached to ring the bell, only the button started to move so she couldn't ring it. She decided this must be a family of pranksters and Xander probably fit right in, she finally decided to knock cautiously on the door.
The door opened and Buffy's gaze shift-upward and further upward, before she saw the biggest man she had ever seen. He wasn't making her slayer sense go off, but he sure looked like some sort-of-a demon.
"May - I - help - you?" The voice was low, stiff, and held no inflection.
"Ye. . .s, I'm, ah, looking for Xander?"
"This - way - Miss." The big man turned to lead her into the house.
Despite her best judgement, she followed him. The first thing she noticed was a big stuffed fish on the wall with a man's leg sticking out of it and there was a big stuffed turtle in the middle of the room.
She turned to see a man with wide eyes and an old fashioned stripped suit and a cigar in his mouth. He was reading the newspaper while he was standing on his head.
He righted himself to come greet her. "I'm Gomez Addams and I understand you are looking for my boy. A good one he is." The man smiled at her. "We're so glad he found his way home."
"Ah, Buffy. Yes, yes, he's talked about you. Morticia will want to meet you. Come this way. She's in the conservatory. Maybe afterwards you would be interested in seeing our collection of antique torture devices?"
Gomez lead Buffy into a room that looked like a greenhouse, in it she saw a woman with long dark hair and a tight black ankle length dress. The image made Buffy's mind flash to Elvira. She seemed to be pruning roses.
"Just a moment, Gomez." She said as she clipped the bloom off the rose and placed the thorny stem in a vase with similar looking stems. "Perfect. C'est magnifique. Perfectionner."
"Tish, you spoke French." Gomez quickly grabbed her arm and began to kiss her hand and slowly moved up her arm.
"Mon cher," she began with a hint of chastisement, embarrassment, utter fondness, and love. "We have company."
"Oh, right." Gomez disengaged from her arm looking slightly like a scolded child. He quickly changed gears and gestured towards his guest. "This is Buffy."
"Buffy? Buffy, that horrible little girl who goes around killing vampires and demons? Some of which are our friends. She's that Buffy?"
Gomez only shrugged.
"Gomez, I will not have her in my house. I just won't have it. I won't have it."
"But Tish, she's a friend of Xander's."
"No! Gomez, I want her out of the house. I want her out of our home this minute."
"Cara mia," he looked at her as he took her hand. "Xander will be happy to see her."
She pulled her hand away from him. "For Alexander's sake, I will allow it."
"Ouch." Buffy jumped as she felt like she had been hit from behind and prepared to retaliate. She turned to find that a giant plant of some sort was attacking her.
"Stop." Morticia commanded Buffy as she walked past Buffy and started to stroke the plant. "It's all right Cleopatra. It's all right. I won't let the horrible little girl hurt you."
"Ah, Buffy, why don't we go back to the salon." Gomez hinted, as he knew he needed to get her out of the room.
Buffy followed him out. Every instinct was to grab Xander and get out of this crazy and kooky house.
"Sit down, sit down. I'll go get Xander. He's upstairs with Uncle Fester."
"Thank you." Buffy sat down.
"Do you want something to drink?" He asked.
Gomez went to pull a long rope tied as a hangman's noose that produced a gong sound.
"You - rang?" It was the deep voice of the big man again.
Before anything more could be said, Buffy sneezed. She reached out and grabbed the tissue that was offered to her. "Thank you." She looked up and saw a hand coming out of a box out of the table next to her.
"Thank you, Thing." Gomez said as if it were no big deal for there to be a hand without any person attached to it to be in his house.
Buffy's eyes were wide staring at the table as the hand withdrew into the box. Then, without warning there was the sound of a large explosive. Buffy already on edge from this weird visit jumped.
Gomez looked at her with worry. "Lurch, some soothing music to calm the lady's nerves."
Lurch nodded and proceeded to go over to the harpsichord.
"What was that?" Buffy insisted.
"Oh, that. Nothing." Gomez waived away her worries. "It's just Xander, he's amazing with those explosives. A true Addams." He smiled widely. "High explosives are an Addams family tradition, you know. Alexander Addams."
"Alexander Addams?" She repeated.
Buffy woke with a start finding herself in her own bed, in her own room, in her own house. "It was a dream, just a dream." Xander was not the son of Morticia and Gomez Addams. The Addams were only a TV show.
"That was too weird for words." Buffy grumbled as she got dressed. The Addams may not be Xander's real family, but she was still going to go check out his new "family" and make sure they were safe.
A short while later, Buffy arrived at the address Xander had given her.
Buffy looked up at that big imposing house. Actually, it wasn't that imposing it actually looked quite nice. It wasn't what she imagined still it didn't like a Xander-type house. She walked up and rang the bell.
The door opened slowly. She looked up to see an imposing figure at the door. Well, she tried to look up, but then she adjusted her gaze to eye-level. There was an older woman in a blue uniform with a white apron.
"Ah, hi. I'm looking for, that is, ah. Is Xander home?" Buffy asked quickly.
"Come in, Miss," the woman ushered Buffy into the entryway.
An older, but still blonde woman, entered the room. "Who is it, Alice?"
"She's is a friend of Xander's, Mrs. Brady." Alice explained.
"Oh. You know our newest grandson? He's with Mike and the boys." She smiled sweetly and put the bottle of Wesson cooking oil in her pocket before yelling. "MIKE! Kids!"
Buffy watched as the room was quickly filled. All the girls had hair of gold like their mother, the youngest one in curls. She was overwhelmed and all Buffy could do was wonder if the Addams Family might have been a better choice for Xander's family. Everyone was introducing himself or herself, but she didn't hear them.
All she heard in her mind was singing, "they're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky . . . and that's the way they became the Brady Bunch."
Actually the whole room felt like it was closing in and she felt faint.
A moment later Buffy sat up with a start. She was still in her bedroom. It was another dream. She had to stop worrying about what Xander's new family was going to be like. It was Xander's real family after all, they were bound to be a bit weird. As long as they weren't homicidal it would be okay.
Dawn bounced into Buffy's room. "He found them. He found them." She bounded on to Buffy's bed.
"Good. So what are they like?" Buffy smiled thinking of her dream. "Are they creep and kooky? Do they all have hair of gold like their mother?"
Dawn looked at her oddly, but didn't answer.
"Good question, Buff." Xander smiled from the doorway. "I'll go with a yes to the creepy and kooky question. Hair of gold? 1 out of 2."
"Huh?" Buffy looked confused as Dawn pretended to huff, "I am not creepy and kooky."
"How else would you define a family with a Slayer, a Key, and a Zeppo." Xander grinned ignoring the look on Buffy's face.
Buffy fainted, her last thought was hoping that she would wake-up from a dream just one more time . . .
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Please note, I am huge fan of both the Addams Family and the Brady Bunch (TV show versions of each, never saw the movies), so this was not meant to disparage either show.
I really hope someone enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
"The Addams Family" by Vic Mizzy
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Addams Family.
Their house is a museum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Addams Family.
(Neat) (Sweet) (Petite)
So get a witches shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Addams Family.