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Villains Anonymous

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Summary: The Big Bads From LOTR/BTVS/HP contemplate on the days when things were simpler...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > General > Humor
Lord of the Rings > General
zayraFR1511,028031,42923 Oct 0423 Oct 04Yes


Villains Anonymous

Tom Riddle a.k.a. Lord Voldermort looked into the mirror, his snake-like features would disgust anyone who dared to look upon his face. He wasn't always this ugly. Before he became evil when he was an impressionable youth that attended Hogwart's School of Wizardry and Magic, he was a handsome young devil. Before his hatred for muggles and mudbloods began his transformation into the Dark Lord, before the bane of his existence killed him, Harry bloody Potter. Once upon a time, he was beautiful...

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

The Master, once one of the most powerful vampires before Buffy 'The Vampire Slayer' Summers killed him and stopped his resurrection, looked out into the hell dimension where he was sent. His bat-like face would scare off any potential admirers from a mile five hundred metres away. Even the face of Angelus would be of no comparison to his once former beautiful face, before he was turned, before his rise in the ranks of evil demons, he was beautiful...

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

Sauron was once a child of the Eldars. He belonged to the race of the elves of Middle-Earth. Like all children of the Eldars, he was once blessed with the beauty and grace that all elves were born with. His golden hair could be compared to the palest colour of yellow, his eyes as blue as the deepest past of the ocean, his majestic height and angelic features. Now he is naught but a lost cause, defeated by the Fellowship, his ring destroyed by that damnable hobbit, Frodo Baggins. He too was once beautiful...

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

Voldemort, The Master and Sauron all stared out into space as they wandered aimlessly amongst the evildoers. Thinking about the good old days before they turned evil, before they were defeated.

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down

Without acknowledging the presence of one another, they entered Hell's version of Caritas, a demon karaoke bar, but without the Anagog demon. This was a haven for those who were truly lost within them, this was the place of regret and this is where the three worst villains of all time hung out night after night...

Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

As the hours passed, a demon that introduced himself as Sahjan got up the stage and began to sing...

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down

Sauron, Voldemort and The Master all looked up and began to sing along...

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't yo

After the song ended, the three villains entered another building, it wasn't worn down like the others in this dimension, instead it looked like new and the white gates around it would have blinded any normal villain, but these three were special. They walked in one by one, the ruler of this dimension, yes the Devil or the Fallen Angel, Lucifer, invited them.

They sat down and Lucifer stepped out from the shadows, and began, "I have invited you tonight for a special meeting. This meeting is known for members of V.A. Villains Anonymous, this is a place where villains like yourselves are rehabilitated until you have reached your true potential again. Voldemort, you were once a powerful wizard, capable of the massacre of millions of humans and possibly the end of the world, and now you're reduced to reminiscing of your past, just like you Master Nest, yes, you were once good and beautiful but do you really want to go back to that? You had no power, no real power, you were just an ordinary beautiful man, and you Sauron, you would have been nothing more than a waste had you allowed yourself to maintain the goodness in your heart. True, you would have been an elven lord and possibly ruled a kingdom of your own but eventually you would have had to leave all of that for Valinor."

The three villains looked at each other for a moment and thought the same thing, 'These butt-ugly dudes were pretty?' Instead of taunting, there were only sympathetic looks and a tear from Voldemort.

By the end of the meeting all three had burst into tears with the confessions of past lives and the conquests that they had. Bitter years fell when they talked of their defeat and those "heroes" that caused their fall.

On their way to the exit Lucifer appeared in front of them and said, "Now tonight I suggest that you have a sleep-over at one of your dungeons to talk a little more about yourselves. I have a mini apocalypse that I'd like you three to oversee, that is if you pass your 'I'm still evil' evaluations next Friday."

Sauron brightened up at the idea of an apocalypse, Voldemort began planning the pyjama party and The Master said he would bring the snacks.

That night as they slept, the three newly pledged members of Villains Anonymous slept a fitful sleep with dreams of Apocalypses, mass murders, torture and the likes. Each smiling as they slept and secretly dreaming of the days that once were...

The End

You have reached the end of "Villains Anonymous". This story is complete.

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