Summary: Willow has returned to Sunnydale (canon Jossverse) but she still needs a more detached source of strength/help in her recovery. So where can she find this type of help in the soap opera/drama that is Jossverse Sunnydale Season 7?
AN: This is a side-story, Willow’s actions/perspective in canon Jossverse. Spoilers for S7 episodes: Get it Done, Touched, End of Days
AN: AU Post OotP.
…ooO Correspondence Ooo...
Willow glanced at the green leather bound book lying on her bed. It had been a week since she returned to Sunnydale but it was still difficult. Her friends were afraid of her. Xander spent more time tiptoeing on eggshells around her. Willow was certain she would have blown up from the stress of pretending if it hadn’t been for her one outlet - corresponding with one Severus Snape.
A few weeks into her training with Mother Allegra he had sent her a gift, an enchanted journal that worked as a two-way messaging system; anything she wrote in it would be mirrored in its Gemini in Sevs possession and vice versa. A magical equivalent of e-mail or bulletin boards or newsgroups.
Pouring out her frustrations and worries into the journal, knowing that someone would be reading her concerns, reading the responses laced with suggestions, wry wit, and veiled sympathy… it reminded Willow that someone understood and cared. Giles cared but it was difficult to unload on a father figure. Xander cared but he didn’t understand the magical stresses. Anya understood but she was still struggling to find a balance in her own existence. And Willow didn’t want to burden Dawn and Buffy by her problems, they had their own burdens to bear. So the only ones Willow had were Mother A and Severus.
How can I live like this? They hate me! I try not to be overly sensitive but I can’t help but know. I know how Xander and Buffy and Giles feel. It’s probably a residual effect of the binding spell I used to help us defeat Adam… But I know. Buffy hates me for what I did, for dragging her out of Heaven.
Sometimes I wish I ended it when Tara died instead of trying to avenge her. What good did that do? Nothing. I’m a murderer, my friends are afraid of me, and Tara’s still dead.
Remember they may hate you but you are the one who has to answer to the Maker, to the One who judges your soul, not them. They are your friends and family, not your judge and jury. And as for your guilt you have only killed one human. Almost destroying the world doesn’t count. You should know that.
In the future you should consider reacting like a Slytherin. Revenge is a dish best served cold and Death is as light as a feather.
They remember. Dawn flinched when I brushed past her. Buffy almost attacked me. They are still afraid of me.
Machiavelli said ‘it is better to be feared than loved’. This may be a difficult policy for one as soft-hearted as you but think of it using a different perspective, Perhaps this means they won’t take you for granted in the future and let you slide into darkness.
Willow, did any of them ever ask you how YOU felt? Insisted you attend grief counseling? I know you live on the Hellmouth and have faced death but having someone you care for die is very different from facing death yourself. Remember, how the Slayers reacted? Both of them? And you are far more vulnerable. If they were true friends they should have been more pro-active in demonstrating that.
Severus, they are driving me NUTS! Xander insisted on accompanying me for one of my Muggle counseling sessions.
Be grateful for comrades who care enough to irritate you. I wish I had them when I was your age.
Well you do now. You can always count on me to irritate you cranky pants. I cherish your honesty, even when it is acidic and directed at me Sev. It is better to hear the bitter truth than sweet lies.
I turned into Warren today. I still have his blood on my hands Severus. What is the use of struggling with the darkness within me when I get slapped in the face every time I turn around?
You forget whom you are complaining to girl. I see Lily every day in her sons’ green eyes. Staring at me… Accusing me of failing her…
Oh Goddess! Severus forgive me. I wish I were there to give you a hug. Don’t scowl! I know you need it no matter how much you insist otherwise.
I cast a fairly bit of serious magic this week. I drained the innate magic from others to keep a portal open. I know they agreed to it but it still reminds me about what I did to Giles. When I do something like this I remind me of Darth Willow. How can someone else forgive and forget?
You don’t forget. You have the forgiveness of your true friends, the people who count. Don’t you dare mention I said this to anyone else or I swear I’ll hex you!
Who am I supposed to mention this to? Giles? He already knows.
Sev, We are in a lot of trouble. The First is in Sunnydale and I swear its messing with our minds, more than just the usual dead-people guilt-trips. We ganged up on Buffy and pushed her out of the group. What were we thinking when we did that! I can’t explain it; it’s like a haze now. I’ve tried using the Occlumancy Allegra taught me and it works, barely. Faith is the leader but I can’t help feeling as though we’re missing something.
Willow, I did some research. The First Evil, the Source of All Evil, it can affect anyone no matter how ‘good’ they are. It tends to work faster on ‘good’ people because they have never truly struggled and conquered their darker impulses, and everyone has a dark side. The only way to deny it is to be guard for it - in the words of Mad-Eye Moody “Constant Vigilance!”
Buffy came back with a weapon. A cross between an axe and a spear. It is like the ultimate weapon, perfect balance and cutting power. There are some markings on the handle; hieroglyphics for Champion and Unity. Buffy is sure the Scythe is the key to winning but I don’t see how. She and Faith are the only ones experienced and capable of going against the Turok-Han, the purer vamps.
Willow, from what you tell me this Scythe is a Champion’s weapon. Mystical weapons often have a link to those meant to wield them. Potter was the only one who could draw the Sword of Godric Gryffindor from its hiding place in the Sorting Hat - it was keyed to him like this weapon seems to be to the Slayer.
Severus... The rule made up by a bunch of old men is no more. From now on every girl who might be a Slayer will be a Slayer. Goddess, so many died, so many will live. This changes everything. Can you feel it Sev? I can feel everything now.
I know there is a higher power, not the ones who play games to maintain the Balance, but something else. I can’t describe it, I have to show it to you. Don’t sneer! I have the proof to show you. I’ll see you soon, once things get settled with all the new Slayers, I’ll show you.
Six students received death letters today. The Death Eaters are become more public in their stance and I can’t find a damn thing. If I find out who gave Riddle the idea of organizing his followers cells I swear I’ll kill him.
Don’t you dare blame yourself Sev! Yes you are an agent but you are also a human being! You can’t be everywhere.
Tell that to the damn Gryffindors who accuse me of participating in raids and failing to report any advance notice of planned raids.
Sev, remember what you told me… Reputation is what matters to others; honor is what matters to You. None of this matters in the long run.
Willow, I’m going mad surrounded by so many hormonal idiots.
Then talk to me Sev. You’ve listened to me rant and rage now let me do the same for you. I’m sorry I’m not there to give you a hug but let me do the next best thing and be there for you as you and Allegra were for me. I want to know everything that is happening to you, even the insignificant bits and whining; that’s what friends do for each other.
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