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WE had no choice, we owed him

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Summary: our two favorite vamps become the new DADA teachers

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Spike-CenterednotmydestinyFR13710,19101813,57914 Nov 0424 Jul 05No

who's paying for what?

Disclaimer:Not mine, never will be at this rate.
Feedback:Please! Review! Or I will send my russian spies after you!
A/N:I know I promised a good Illyria scene, hope this chapter has one good enough.
A/N2:Sorry about the wait, computer troubles.
A/N3:Thanks to my beta, Zira, who actually looks through my stuff, where
I don't.

Dawn was walking into the great hall for some dinner when she caught a familiar sight. Angel. Brooding. At the staff table. She sighed, and walked over.

"What are you doing?" She demanded of him.

"Nothing." he said.

"He's brooding." Spike offered distractedly, telling his cup to give him some beer, or wine, not pumpkin juice.
"Am not."

"Please, you are the Mr.Tall, Dark and Forehead I thought you might have left in LA. Guess once a brooder, always a brooder." She sighed. "So, why are you brooding?"
"I'm not brooding."

"A little snake arse called him evil, story of the poof's life if you ask me. He should be used to it by now. No use crying." Spike turned his attention back to the goblet still full of pumpkin juice. He was speaking slowly to it. "Come...on. Beer. Wine...any alchohol. Beer... not....Pumpkin...juice." He started to make little encouraging noises that Dawn never thought she would have to hear, and she turned her head away in shame.

"I am not crying."

"You so are. And please do not tell me you got mad at what a little kid told you. Wasn't Illyria in there? Why didn't she just give him the glare of death?"
"Because the glare of death is her every day face, when she gets happy is when you should be scared." Spike said automatically. "Besides, Blue, I think, was either resting, or counting all the oxygen molecules in the room...again."

"Ok, look, why don't you just take points away? Or give him a detention? Did you give him any sort of punishment?"
"Come on...Come can do it, yes, become beer, be...the beer." Finally Spike gave up, and grumbled something about getting drunk in the kitchen after dinner and turned to Dawn. "Hell yes. Can't have big-bad wanna-be's roaming around thinking they own us. The real big bad has to step up, and show who really is...big bad." He finished off slowly. "Damn, need alcohol, I ain't thinking straight."

"That's after beer, Spike. So what'd you give him?" At that, both Spike and Angel grinned evily. Dawn felt almost sorry for the Slytherin kkid, whoever he was.

Illyria made her way to the Slytherin common room. It was in the dungeon part of the castle. Where they keep the rats, she thought. The portrait was there; a serpent and a man. The man asked coldly, "Password?"

"You will open so I may pass through to your filthy rooms." The man chuckled, obviously not intimidated at all by a brown haired brown eyed skinny girl in a red dress. Suddenly, a Seventh year Slytherin prefect pushed past her, and he then noticed her.

"Who are you, mudblood?" He demmanded coldly. She raised her chin, studying her opponet. He was taller than her, but that was all. He was arrogant, and stood in ignorance of his better. She walked toward him, smiling, and her voice was suddenly southern as she lifted him by his neck, choking him, above the ground.

"What's the password, before I choke your guts out, please?" His eyes widened in horror as she went back to her usual Illyria shape, though her voice was still 'Fred'.

"Now come on, don't be stubborn, I don't actually fancy having to list another hand to rip all your intestines out with a fork and make it another trophy."

He mannaged to choke out two words, but his vision was fading. "Serpentine Basilisk" . Within the second he had uttered them, she dropped him onto the floor, where he was gasping for breath. She uttered the words in the southern accent, and stepped inside as the painting swung grudgingly aside. The boy ran to get Professor Snape.

Many of the children in Slytherin were there. When she entered, they paid no attention. She reverted to 'Fred' form, and called out. "Will all the students of Slytherin come down here?" she said loudly. "There's an important message from some of the staff." Everyone was now staring at her as if she were crazy. Slowly, one by one, students from the rooms started coming down until she was sure all of them were there, then she walked over to where the two staircases were, and turned to face them. "Everyone listening and looking over here?" They looked at her as if she were stupid. "Ok, now the-"

"Who are you?" Said a sixth year girl, narrowing her eyes. She was skinny, short, with an air of command.

"Well, I was about to say that if you would let me finish." Fred smiled, and shook her head. "Now, the reason I am here is because some people I know, some teachers, got some mouth from one of you today." Her smile suddenly turned cold, and her eyes clouded over in a blue. "And now you are all to pay." she turned into Illyria once mre, and the students gasped. "I am aware many of you believe your superior to the rest of the humans in this school. Perhaps that you were better than your peers. That you were invincible with a title, and your sticks of magic. Perhaps you were. However, I am here to tell you that things have changed." Some of them gave her a disbelieving look, others snorted, and some of the first and second years were scared. "You think you can defeat me, you may attempt to do so, however, you shall not leave until I have finished what I have come to say. To do anything but bow in my presence is absurd." She gave them an even look.

Then a blond seventh year with silver eyes was taking out his wand, and snorted. He haughtily made his way toward her, saying to the crowd. "Oh please, she's nothing but a witch pulling a little trick. Nothing else." Then he muttered a spell. "Expeliarmus." It didn't even cause her to flinch, and that was when he became scared.

"Draco, get back here." a pudgy Slytherin girl called.

"No, I do not believe he will. Mr. Malfoy will be a perfect example to why you shall not overstep and overestimate your power. Nor shall you disrespect me, or the half breeds any longer."


When Snape stalked in with one of his house's prefects in tow, who was actually a little frightened to go into the room and face her again, he walked into the image of Illyria hanging Mr. Malfoy upside down from his left foot.

"In my time, you were the MUCK AT MY FEET, your species was barely evolved, roaches who breeded too quickly. You were stupid and mindless, more than you are now. You were powerless and weak. You were the dirt, the mud, the ugliest of all beings to walk the worlds. A waste of air, as you needed pointless air to live. You have evolved now, grown bolder, yet I have come back, and you are still the slime that oozes between the cracks, cowards with no warriors amongst their own. Never shall you insult the halfbreeds or me and this shell again. Never ignore my presence, never-"

"Miss. Illyria, will you please put Mr. Malfoy down at once and return to your quarters?" Snape had recovered from shock. She turned to glare at him, and he might have wavered a little, but he stood straight.

"You are the leader of this muck?" she asked him, coldly.

"I am the head of this house." He said equally cold. "Now will you please put him down."

She looked Malfoy over. "Never underestimate your opponent." she said, then dropped him, stalking out, saying, "Muck, wallowing in their own filth." And she left without another word.


"...She shoudn't have been in there, and you have no right to punish all the students. You may take points, you may give a few detentions, but you MAY NOT send a power crazy ex-god into my house..." Snape continued to prattle on, and Spike and Angel were listening attentively to him, until Spike interrupted.

"Did she give them the muck speech?" Spike asked, and Angel looked intently at Snape.

"What?" Snape said. "I don't see how that is relevent to this. The point is that she threatened my-"

"That's nice and all, but did she call them anything along the lines of 'Muck at my feet', 'the muck that wallows', 'Muck the dirt', any of those?" Spike asked again.

"I don't see why that's important." Snape said.

"Just did she, or didn't she?" Angel said clearly.

"Uh, well, yes, anyhow, she threatened MY STUDENTS, whom are in my..." Angel grudgingly handed a smirking Spike five pounds, while Snape was still going on, as the vampires suddenly lost interest.

Please review. Remember my russian spy promise! *grins evily*
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