Just a Back-Home Folk 2/?
Just a Back-Home Folk 2/?
Author: Tohonomike firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners...it will start off with the Joss/ME characters, and any other characters or real-life folks are clearly not mine. NO money is involved.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Beverly Hillbillies or the Dukes of Hazard.
Rating: Maybe an “R” but you readers can let me know later.
Somebody mentioned Beverly Hillbillies and Buffy, I wanted to write but nothing was coming to me on the other stories…so you’re the victims of choice.
The first day of class, and Jed and Ellie Mae had just left a shocked and bewildered Snyder in his office the enrolment papers on his desk; they’d gotten Xander’s named changed to match his great-grandfather’s and was now Alexander Lavelle Clampett, and after some testing had gotten him into classes that suited his needs better, English, Chemistry, Advanced Auto Shop, Computer Science, French III, Spanish II and credit for the martial arts training he’d be receiving after school at a dojo. Daisy, switching schools, would be taking Senior English, Chemistry, Physics, Computer Science, French III, Spanish II, and credit for the raining as well. Next summer, they’d see about what classes they needed, and maybe Xander’d graduate early and join Daisy at that college thing. So except for two periods, they shared the day.
Arm in arm, the two students are dressed surprisingly well, khaki slacks, white shirts, tailored to fit at Ellie Mae’s insistence, but not too far from what they’d expect to wear at school. Most of their wardrobe had been replaced by ‘that good stuff my friend’s grandkids wear…’ instead of Hawaiian shirts or tight cut off pants. The money spent on the clothes or hair cuts wasn’t lost on the Cordettes coming up behind them as they moved down the hall. As Willow and Buffy greeted Giles and Ms. Calendar, and made a comment about dusting a vampire, the country couple were noticed.
“Only one Buff, kinda slowing down, aren’t ya?” he wisecracked.
“Xander!” Willow called out to the friend she hadn’t heard from in months, only getting a perfunctory message of good-bye from Cordelia, moving in to hug him, “Where have you been all summer?”
‘Meeting up with my real family and getting acquainted,” Xander explained, and turning to Daisy Duke next to him, “And begin the courtship of Miss Daisy Duke, who if I don’t blow it might someday become more than my girlfriend.”
“Daisy Harris, huh?” Buffy said, noting the expensive but understated clothes the two were wearing.
“Nah, changed my named to match great-grandpa Jed’s,” Xander remarked as Cordelia and the Cordettes were about to be rude, “I’m now Alexander Lavelle Clampett.”
“Oh My God,” Cordelia gasped, then fainted as the Cordettes caught her, Harmony looking wide-eyed at the Money in their midst, as Aura used salts to bring her around. The Scooby Gang heard the bell and made for class.
Settling in at the mansion went well, it was a big property that extended from the beach, through a wooded area and up to the mountains, being Clampetts meant hunting, and Jed had found property in the Greater Sunnydale area, a lot of it bottom land such as it was, and he’d dropped millions in case his kids wanted to roam around or something on the total of five square miles, three working farms, a large horse ranch and the Caldera de Queso Dairy, along the riparian Sunnydale Creek .
The next two days of school went well, and the later afternoon was spent driving around and learning which properties in Sunnydale were now part of the Jed’s burgeoning real estate holdings, Xander getting dizzy at the thought of the dollars involved until Jed had taken the boy aside and told him he’d gotten a family motto made up a few years back, ‘Don’t Spend, Help Folks.’ And then the patriarch of the family told him if someone needed a place to stay, to call the local agent and tell them what was needed and for how long. The dojo training was nice, but on the third night, Xander and Daisy had made a stop at the library to visit Giles and whoever might be around, only to find them under attack by vampires.
“Daisy, use the squirt guns!” Xander called out as he charged in, “And call Grampa Jed on the phone!” The lively girl pulled out her cell phone and kept a vampire at bay with a squirt in the face and a kick to the groin. Xander picked up and chair and managed to distract two for a moment, Giles using a yard stick of all things to dust a vamp, breaking in the process. Xander to a blow to the stomach, but squirted two more, stabbing one with a chair leg as the fight progressed. He managed another before they struck at him again and raced out with Giles and Willow, Xander barely holding to consciousness.
A while later, Buffy comes rushing in, and stops short when she
sees that the place is a shambles. The center table, tipped over onto its side. Xander now able to get up, using the table for support.
“Xander!” Buffy cries out, “What happened?”
“Vampires, the ones you’ve said for two days you could handle yourself.”
“Where are the others?”
“I don't know and I don’t know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you'd worked with us, told us what bothered you, you coulda stopped this.”
“We, we just have to think. Where would they have taken them? Why did they take them and not you?”
“Doesn’t matter, I’ve sent for help,” he told her angrily, “The Clampetts’ll handle it from here.” They could here baying outside as a shotgun armed Ellie Mae entered, handing another each to Daisy and Xander.
“Y’all okay? PA’s got the hound dogs, and Bo and Luke turned around and’ll git with us somewhere’s along the way, said no one messes with the friends o’ Dukes or Clampetts.”
Buffy watched in momentary disbelief as three armed yokels headed off like a bad movie…
Angel and Buffy reach the warehouse to find an orange car out front and the sounds of shotguns being fired and the screams of vampires mixed with angry dog noises caused them both to enter, eyes widened, Angel flashing back to Captain Holz and days best forgotten.
A vampire charnel house greeted them, the mostly-slug loads tearing through the upper bodies of the undead as the dogs lunged low and bit for all they were worth, six folks in plaid shirts of different colors just lining up, and walking in to use wooden walking sticks to finish off vampires not smart enough to run. Angel and Buffy came in and from the back exit began to cut off retreat and tearing into the undead, as the rich folk turned and began to help the Scooby Gang off the conveyor.
“You people sure have some dangerous ‘uns around here don’t ya?” Jed asked the librarian, “No wonder property’s so cheap, even if no one pays much attention.”
“T-thank you, Mister?”
“Pardon my manners, young fellar, I’m Jed Clampett,” the older man said as he turned to watch the fight end and the dogs tear after a darkly-dressed man with a large forehead, ‘Wonder why the dogs’re headin’ after the fellar on our side.’
“Well, thank you, it appears Xander has told you of our problem?”
“Knew about the critters from way back, actual like, every so often a few of the rascals’d try and come around, but it’s easy enough to keep ‘em away if ya have a good line o’ hound dogs, it’s all the roads and city people that let the things into the back country where good Christian folk don’t put up with the nonsense like city folk.”
“Y-you used to hunt vampires?”
“Nah, you just shoot and dust, they ain’t too smart, just cunning is all, the dogs’ll ferret them ‘em out, and it’s not huntin’ cause I mean, animals are smarter and vampires wouldn’t be good eats. Hey Jess, the dogs went after the fellar with the forehead!”
Xander and the Dukes handed Buffy a sledgehammer and headed out the door, exchanging words and laughing.
Twenty minutes later they found the dogs barking at Angel’s apartment building, complete set of torn pants and duster on the steps. And part of a set of boxers with little bats on them…