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Summary: FFA #30 Buffy/Lucius Malfoy. FFA #101 Buffy/Daniel. FFA #122 Buffy/Bruce Wayne. #4: FFA #194 Buffy/Zane (Inc. of Immortality). FFA #160 Buffy/mini-Jack (SG-1). FFA #270 Willow/Richard Zeeman. FFA #301 Buffy/Jack O'Neill. FFA #761 Buffy/Jason Bourne

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Multiple Pairings > Ficlet Collections - FFASheilynnFR15829,328129423,39329 Nov 0421 Dec 04Yes
CoA Winner

Ass Kicking is Just Another Way...

Disclaimer: None of the recognizable characters belong to me. HP characters belong to Rowling, BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon et al.



A/N: Hope this measures up to my other stories - I'm not used to writing something under 3,000 words.

Summary: FFA #30 from the Fic For All at TTH. The title pretty much says it all. LOL



Ass Kicking is Just Another Way to Describe Foreplay

"So…wand, broken…you, flat on your ass…me, in a position to snap your neck…watcha gonna do now, pretty-boy."

The man undulated beneath her, causing her eyes to widen.

"Hey now!! You're evil! You're supposed to want to kill me, not bump uglies!"

"You know what they say…if you can't kill them," the man began.

"…join them?" she finished with a cute, but confused frown.

"No…screw them," he leered at her.

Her eyes widened further.

"Damn, B! What's it with you and evil people? It's like you're the pin-up gal for 'If you Wanna Rule the World, You'll Need a Queen' magazine!"

"Not my fault, you know. It's not like I'm saying 'Hey, all you evil people, try to kill me, win a date…lascivious sex sold separately, if the price is right'!"

There was a moment of silence as they all stared at her. The man below her lifted a white-blonde eyebrow.

"Do you even know what lascivious means, Buffy?"

Buffy glared at her red-headed friend.

"Thanks for implying I'm stupid, Will!"

"I didn't…"

"Lascivious means wanton, immoral, shameless, lustful, licentious…hah, there's another big wor…," Buffy's eyes widened again, and she looked down at the man she was straddling. "Hey! This is not supposed to be turning you on, Buster! What…you think ass kicking is just another way to describe foreplay?"

He gave her a heated look as he lightly shrugged his shoulders, the only other movement he could make, considering the woman was kneeling on his arms.

"I so didn't need to hear that my sister can turn a guy on just by kicking his ass and spouting vocabulary words."

Xander's laughter resembled an hysterical hyena.

"Oh do shut up, Xander!"

"So, what now, Big-G? B's got the evil guy right where she wants him," Faith began, but was interrupted by a giggling Willow.

"Between her legs?"

Faith cracked up.

Giles pulled off his glasses and began to furiously polish them.

"Well, I must say that the situation is past the perilous stage, now that his wand is no longer functional."

His words were met by blank stares.

Rolling his eyes, he spat out, "Wand broken, man defeated, no danger."

"Beer foamy."

Xander and Willow snickered.

"So is a bubble bath for two, my dear…or soap, when it's lathered on naked sk…"

Buffy slapped a hand over the man's mouth, her hazel eyes widening again.

"Stop that! It's…it's bad…and-and wrong, and…" Buffy trailed off as the man began to make love to her palm with just his lips. She squeeked, "Giles, help!"

"Oh, do get off him, Buffy! I said the situation is no longer dangerous!"

Buffy scrambled to her feet and stepped back as the man drew himself upright, smirking in her direction.

Tossing back his white-blonde hair to shake some of the snow loose from his long tresses, the man then took a step towards Buffy.

Not one to back down, Buffy stood her ground.

Looming over the young woman, the man picked up her hand and held it in his own.

"Though the… position was quite welcome, the floor left much to be desired, Ms. Summers. Should you ever wish to re-visit the pose, preferably in a bed and without clothing…" the man trailed off as he lifted her hand and placing a delicate kiss on her knuckles.

Buffy whimpered.

"Hey, bub! The sparkly ornamentation on your left hand doesn't exactly scream your availability," Faith interrupted with a smirk.

He lifted an eyebrow as he turned his gaze towards the dark-haired slayer.

"I'm afraid my wife is a casualty of the war."

"Yeah, but is she a casualty right now, or is she going to be a casualty as soon as you get home?"

The man gave her a non-committal smile before turning his attention back to the small blonde woman whose hand he still held. He let go of her hand to brush a snowflake off her cheek, then lifted her chin with his fingers.

"When you get to the wizarding world," the man leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Buffy's lips, "just ask for Lucius Malfoy."

Buffy's throat dried up.

Stepping back, Lucius directed his next words at the older man in the gawking group.

"Yes, my wand is broken, Mr. Giles, but that doesn't mean I'm without other little surprises," he pulled an object from his pocket. Holding it up, he gave a half-smile. "It's been a pleasure…in more ways than one. We'll undoubtedly meet again, Mr. Giles. Until then…basilisk."

Lucius Malfoy disappeared right before their eyes.

Giles swore.

"Awesome! How'd he do that? Did he use the Force?" Andrew looked awed.

Giles, Dawn, and Willow all replied with, "Portkey."

Andrew's face dropped in disappointment.

Still dazed, Buffy leaned over to her dark-haired counterpart and whispered, "Faith? Why does evil have to come in such yummy packages?"

Faith cracked up again.

"We should inform Headmaster Dumbledore of this new…development. It looks like we're going to get involved in this war whether we want to or not," Giles sighed, before turning an annoyed look at the star-struck slayer, "Must you seduce every evil person or creature that you meet, Buffy?!"

Buffy scowled at him. "Hello! I wasn't the one doing the seducing, Giles! But he sure as hell would beat having a normal 'Joe' boyfriend who ends up getting vamp-suck-jobs because he can't deal!"

Andrew, ever the peacemaker hurried to stop the impending argument…

"Isn't it a good thing that Buffy can turn evil guys away from the Dark Side? Maybe we should think about putting together a magazine for evil-doers - you know, with Buffy the Beauteous Slayer on the cover, and maybe a pull-out centerfold…I mean, wouldn't it be better to have all the vampires and demons in love with her instead of wanting to kill her?"

…that didn't mean he was good at it.

"Andrew!" Buffy yelled angrily.

He rushed to fix whatever it was he said that made the top Slayer mad. "Just think about it! The monsters would spend more time arguing over who gets Buffy than they would trying to kill her. And, hey, maybe they would kill each other…kind of like dueling for the Slayer's favor."

"Andrew!" This time, everyone yelled in varying levels of anger.

Andrew winced at the volume.

"It was just a thought," he whined.

No one bothered to reply to that and, instead, just turned around and began to walk back to their motel rooms, where they had temporarily settled roots as they checked out the Cleveland Hellmouth (which actually turned out to be an unstable inter-dimensional portal created by a clan of Breigenstein Demons, and easily closed by Willow).

Rushing to catch up, Andrew settled for walking next to Xander instead of one of the gorgeous Slayers, who could break his neck with a snap of their fingers.

After a few minutes of cautious silence, the blonde haired young man couldn't hold back the question that burned in his mind. He leaned closer to Xander.

"Hey, Xander…if Buffy, the most beauteous of Slayers, had a centerfold pull-out, where do you think the staple would end up?"

Xander's laughed like an hysterical hyena again.

"Ew!! Ew!! Ew!! Shut up, Andrew!! I so did not need to hear that!" Dawn glared at him from over her shoulder before she covered her ears and began to frantically hum.

"So, B…you think he's really that blond?"

"There's only one way to find that out."

The two slayers exchanged lewd grins.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

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And in a gorgeous mansion on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, a white-blonde haired man stared pensively into a lit fireplace, a snifter of brandy held absently in one hand as he brooded. The Christmas decorations mocked him with their cheery appearance.

"Lucius, darling…I just received a letter from our dear Draco. He's requesting that we upgrade the brooms for his team as a Winter Holiday present, so they can win the Quiddich cup this year - apparently, Harry Potter received a Cleansweep 11…"

Lucius stopped consciously listening to his wife prattle on about his less than perfect son and his relentless attempts to win against that blasted Potter boy - if Draco wasn't so blinded by his hatred, he would realize that it was lack of skill keeping him from winning, not the latest broom.

As soon as he heard the blessed silence that indicated his wife had stopped babbling, he dryly responded with, "Do whatever you need to do to make Draco happy, dear."

He didn't see Narcissa's expression harden at his less than enthusiastic reply.

"I'll be going to Diagon Ally, then…is there anything you need while I'm out?"

Still staring into the fire, he waved a hand in dismissal, causing Narcissa's expression to harden even further.

"Very well," she said in a clipped tone before whirling around and stalking away, her heels making sharp, angry tapping noises on the hardwood floors as she retreated.

As soon as she left, Lucius leaned forward to peer into a pensieve on the small table in front of his chair. He stared at the figure that appeared in the silvery light, and took a sip of his brandy.

Who knew power could be bundled up in such a…stunning package.

Leaning back in his chair, he went back to staring into the fireplace as his thoughts turned over the memory of the situation that brought him to his current state.

It was laughable, really…to think that Voldemort actually believed he would be able to convince the most powerful Slayer into fighting on their side…to fight alongside the very creatures she was made to destroy.

Idiot.

According to rumor, there were close to a hundred Slayers now…the Dark Lord could have picked any of them, and probably had a better chance of talking them into fighting for him. But, no…it had to be the oldest and the best…anything less would be an affront to his ego.

Fool.

Lucius set his glass on a side table, and as he drew his hand back, a glimmer caught his eye.

He drew the ring from his finger and held it before him, staring at it in contempt.

'Sparkly ornamentation…'

Rolling it between his fingers, his gaze went back and forth between the ring and the pensieve, and his thoughts rolled through his brain…'what if' scenarios wreaking havoc with his orderly mind.

Power was such a seductive thing.

A short time ago, it only came in the shape of a dark monster who should have died over a decade ago.

Now…now power also came in the form of a beautiful young blonde woman with haunting blue-green eyes, who defeated him with only her speed, strength, and cunning. No wand. No magic. Exquisite.

Life sometimes has an odd way of making you chose a path.

His eyes halted once more on the ring, and he paused for a moment…

Choices.

…one brief moment, but a life-changing one.

'What…you think ass kicking is just another way to describe foreplay?'

Lucius smirked at that memory…

"Happy holiday…to me," he whispered.

…and flicked the ring into the blazing fire.

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*giggle* That was fun!

As always, your reviews would be a welcome treat!
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