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Severely Snape

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Summary: Snape falls into a portal and lands at the Hyperion

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > General > DrabblesspaceyFR1311,246052,32924 Jan 0524 Jan 05Yes
All copyrighted material used without permission.

I think I rememebred the right place to put all ffa fics...

This started out as a Gunn/Snape pairing and ended up as an AI fic… but hey, Snape inspired unity among groups of people… not including him. Yeah. Enjoy.

"Damn, man! Don't sneak up like that!"

"American," drawled the sneaky man.

"Yeah," Gunn said, "you're in America. You'll run into a few of us." Gunn paused and looked at the other man. The brit [based on his accent, not a stereotype, no not at all!] was older than Gunn himself, although only by about a decade. What had caught his attention was the other man--

"Dude, what's your name?"

"Severus Snape. Now you will tell me—“

Gunn fazed back to his thoughts. The other man, Severus, was wearing a dress; a long, black dress. While it did wonders for the man’s greasy black hair, Gunn couldn’t help but notice how sallow and sickly it made his complexion.

“—American!” Snape growled. “Pay attention, boy!”

“I ain’t your boy, bozo,” Gunn growled. “Did you know you wearing a dress?”

Snape opened his mouth to reply when he suddenly realized what the black man had said. Being Snape, however, he couldn’t just ask for clarification. Instead he said, “Your grammar is horrific. Now go find me the nearest witch or wizard!”

Gunn’s snappy comeback was cut short by Fred’s appearance.

“Charles, who are you talking…. to….?” Fred left off upon seeing the snarly brit.

“You been making portals again?” Gunn asked her.

“Uhm, I, er, tried, but nothing happened. If a portal opened, it—“

“Could it have opened behind me and let out mister tall, dead and greasy?”

Fred blinked a few times. “Even if I made a successful portal isn’t this a private residence? Vampires should hit a barrier and not be able to enter. However, with Angel technically renting the hotel maybe it doesn’t count because hotels are public places. Maybe if we had been in our suite? Oh but wait, Angel’s dead, any vampire can enter his residence uninvited, can’t he. Because it is a living soul that bars entry—“

“DO shut up!” Snape yelled. Fred visibly wilted and stepped behind her boyfriend.

“Don’t you go yelling at my girl!” Gunn yelled back.

“Oh bugger this!” Snape growled. He pulled out his wand and was about to stupefy both the annoying American muggles.

Fred, seeing the wand, pulled a weapon of her own—a high-pitched female voice. “ANGEL! VAMPIRE!” she screamed.

Several things happened in the next several seconds. Snape fell to his knees with his hands—no longer holding his wand—clutching his ears. Gunn turned to Fred, trusting her to watch his back if the vamp tried to attack.

“Damn, girl!” he said in a voice full of awe. “I didn’t know your tiny mouth could make so much noise!”

Fred was blushing too hard to speak. She’d heard Cordy scream like that before, after all. Before she could defend herself, however, Charles’ mouth was pressed firmly against hers and his arms were around her. Oh, hey, this is nice.

Then Charles broke the kiss abruptly to yell, “That’s cold!” He turned around to see… Wesley with a water gun? Shooting the creepy English vampire?

Angel and Wesley spoke at the same time, “That’s not a vampire.”

Eloquent as always, Gunn said, “Huh?”

Wesley waved the water pistol. “Holy water,” he said. Because, oh yes, that explained everything.

“Well it’s damn cold holy water!” Gunn retorted.

“So sorry I didn’t have time to heat it up for you,” Wesley sneered. “I had thought Fred was in danger.”

“And we’re very glad you came, aren’t we Charles?” Fred asked pointedly.

“Yeah, glad,” Gunn replied.

While the three living Americans were having their miniature drama Angel had glided over to inspect the man Fred thought was a vampire. Maybe he just lives in a dungeon under a big castle Angel thought. It would explain his skin color. Angel grabbed up Snape’s wand. The other man was positively entranced by the interaction of the young Americans. He’d love Sunnydale, Angel thought. Shrugging, he snapped the wand in half.

The noise was not loud but it gained the attention of everyone in the Hyperion lobby. Fred, Gunn and Wesley stopped bickering. They turned just in time see the strange man leap from his crouched position on the floor and attempt to retrieve the pieces of his stick of wood.

“You great bloody oaf!” the man cried, “That’s my wand!”

Angel, who was holding the pieces of kindling out of reach, looked to his coworkers for an explanation.

Gunn coughed and said, “Maybe you should give Severely back his toy. That much color in his face can’t be a good thing.”

“Severely?” Wesley asked.

“Severely Snape. That’s what he said his name was,” Gunn pointed at the man in a dress.

“He, uhm, might have fallen into a portal I opened into the middle of nowhere in Scotland,” confessed a nervous looking Fred.

Snape did an about-face and forced his way into Fred’s personal space. “It’s SEVERUS! Not Severely! Bloody American morons! And you!” he hissed, poking his finger into Fred’s chest, “That was not the middle of nowhere you bloody bint! That was my office! You—“

Unfortunately, Snape’s tirade was cut short by Fred’s right hook to his face. The Brittish man fell flat on his back. Fred turned to Angel and said, “I’m really sorry, I swear there was no one there, no buildings or anything and—“

Angel cut her off. They sure are a cut-off-y bunch! “Fred,” he started, “why were you experimenting with portals anyway? I thought you hate portals.”

“I hate Pylea,” Fred responded. “But can’t you see how easy it would be to take care of Lilah and Galvin and the rest of them at Wolfram and Hart? Just portal them to the bottom of the ocean, or out above Earth’s orbit…” Fred trailed off with a dreamy look on her face.

Angel, Wesley and Gunn all looked at one another. Wesley shrugged. Angel said, “Maybe you should make a portal to take him back. Gunn can go with—“

“Hey!” yelled the black man.

“—to make sure he gets back safe since they seem like such good friends already.”

“Yes, most fitting,” agreed Wesley.

Gunn looked to Fred, hoping for some sympathy. Instead he found a devious glint in his girlfriend’s eyes. “Oh, no,” he said, “you can’t….”

But it was too late. As Gunn trailed off the portal opened. Fred gave him a quick kiss.

“Have fun Charles,” she said while pushing Snape through the portal. “Your turn.”

As Gunn went through the portal backwards the rest of the gang could hear a faint, “I’m so gonna get you for this!”

The portal closed and Wesley waved his hand through the space it had taken up. “Well,” he said, “this wasn’t quite what I meant when I asked you to distract him…”

“But it’ll work just fine,” Angel completed. Satisfied, the two men walked off to plan the surprise party for Gunn.

Fred called after them, “How will Charles get home?”

The men looked at each other and then back at Fred.

“Maybe I should try to contact that Snape man,” Wesley suggested.

“Oh yeah,” Angel replied. “He’s gonna be soooooo anxious to do a favor for us.”

Fred piped up, “We can invite him to the party!”

The end

The End

You have reached the end of "Severely Snape". This story is complete.

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