Title: Happy Pills
Summary: Sequel to ‘Tall Tale’ – I don’t think you can read this independently, but if you’re too lazy to go looking for its predecessor more power to you.
Disclaimer – If anyone tells the creators of Buffy or Stargate about this ::looking around threateningly:: I am placing the entire blame on you greedy gusses – always wanting more.
Janet Frasier was relieved when her most infuriating patient arrived in her infirmary relatively unscathed and in the company of his teammate Teal’c. Even though the Colonel had been on vacation, Janet wouldn’t put it past the man to get into some sort of trouble. When she had heard that O’Neill was over four hours late for work, she had already begun rechecking all of her medical supplies in case the Colonel had been badly injured.
A rueful smile crossed her face as the incorrigible man sauntered in wearing a cheeky grin and saying, “Howdy, Doc.”
It was then that Janet noticed the Colonel’s companion, who was eyeing her with suspicion and almost appeared to be sizing up Teal’c at the same time she looked yearningly at the exit. Janet raised her eyebrows in a manner worthy of Teal’c at the beautiful young woman standing just behind her wayward patient.
“Colonel, should a man in your age and condition be robbing the cradle?” Janet asked in amusement, especially when the young woman looked at Jack with an expression of extreme distaste.
“Ewww, Jack is like…Giles’ age – it would be like dating Giles! Ew, Ew! Mental pictures! God, I’m going to need to peroxide my brain after that.”
“I do not believe ColonelOneill would commit such an dishonourable activity as to steal a child,” Teal’c intoned, trying to protect his leader’s honour.
Jack just shook his head and said, “I’ll explain later, T,” as the young woman erupted into giggles, commenting that she didn’t think Jack’s heart could take any ‘dishonourable activity’.
Janet laughed at the interplay and gestured for the two to sit on a couple of empty beds.
“Alright, Colonel, you know the procedure.”
Grumbling, Jack sat on the bed and started muttering under his breath. Janet couldn’t hear what he was saying, but apparently the young woman could because she suddenly looked at Jack with a puzzled expression and asked, “Napoleonic power monger?”
Jack tried pulling an innocent expression but Janet only glared at him and brought out her most powerful weapon.
Jack groaned as the light flooded his pupils and cradled his head in his hands afterwards. Moments later, Buffy followed suite as she was subjected to the same torture.
Groaning she said, “Fuck, is she evil Jack? Can’t I slay her?”
“Ask me again when the pain has subsided,” Jack groaned in reply.
“Stop being so melodramatic, Colonel. You only have a small hangover,” the Doctor chided and received two very impressive scowls in return.
“It was a minor headache until you decided to flash the equivalent of a small sun in our eyes,” Jack accused from the sanctuary of his hands.
“Don’t worry, Colonel, some aspirin and a few hours will cure you of that headache.”
Head still cradled, Jack sensed movement to his left and saw Buffy looking frantically through her pocket. With a triumphant cry, she produced a small, flat, thin metal container.
“Yes! Happy Pills!”
Quickly, she opened the container and swallowed a pill, handing it over to Jack who was grinning wildly despite the pain in his headache. Within seconds, the two sighed contently and Jack handed the container back to Buffy, who gripped it like a child would a box of candy.
Seeing their behaviour, Janet checked their pupils once more but was surprised to see their pupils dilate normally in comparison to just moments before. There wasn’t any medicine she knew of that would work this quickly.
“Colonel, what are in those pills?” she asked suspiciously.
“How should I know? Buffy?”
“I never asked,” Buffy said apologetically, “Besides, I probably really don’t want to know…bikers…aren’t too selective on the ingredients they use.”
“You’re taking medicine created by bikers? Colonel, who knows what’s in those things!” Janet exclaimed in horror, but didn’t get an answer as a strange look crossed Jack’s face.
“Wait a minute Buffy, you’ve had Happy Pills all this time and you didn’t say anything? I could have avoided listening to Clem talk about Passions for over five hours while having a blinding headache?”
“Jack, you’ve just been avoiding the show since Timmy died. You’ve got to learn to accept it and move on,” Buffy said shrugging, “Besides, I assumed the slave traders had taken them when they took our wallets and cell phones.”
“Slave traders?” Janet asked sceptically, having not yet heard the story from the other members of SG-1 yet. “Colonel, you can’t expect for me to believe that you were abducted by slave traders.”
“Hey, the General believed me!” Jack protested, looking hurt at Janet’s disbelieving tone.
“Only because Bob backed us up,” Buffy pointed out. “Am I right, Teal’c?”
Teal’c showed no surprise at suddenly being addressed by the outsider, answering readily, “It did appear that GeneralHammond was not entirely convinced until the President stated his own opinion.”
“Bob…the President of the United States?” a nearby nurse squeaked. Janet turned and glared at the group of nurses that had been pretending to do work as they listened to the exchange between the officers. Quickly they scattered, but Janet was sure it would only be a matter of time before the rest of the base heard about this.
“Colonel, give me those pills. I need to take some tests to make sure you haven’t just poisoned yourselves or taken something illegal,” Janet said, holding out her hand to Buffy. Buffy clutched the container to her chest and growled softly to the doctor’s astonishment.
“You can’t take my Happy Pills! Do you know how expensive these are? It takes forever to crush the bones alone, and it’s hard getting good, healthy human bones these days.”
“Human bones? I thought you didn’t know what was in those things?” Jack asked, looking slightly repulsed.
“The first time someone gave them to me I asked -- after they told me about the humans bones I told them I didn’t want to know anymore.”
“You still took them?” Janet asked almost involuntarily, still reeling from the possibility that someone was creating medicine using human bones.
“The Happy Pill takes care of the resulting nausea,” Buffy reasoned. “The trick is not to think about it afterwards.”
Jack thought about it for a moment, “Good point.”
“I’m sure the person didn’t miss them,” Jack said in a reassuring manner. “Right, Buffy?”
“Buffy,” Jack said in a warning tone, which she blithely ignored.
“Well, they are … bikers – you never know for sure.”
“Takes care of the nausea, huh?”
“What I don’t know can’t hurt me,” Jack philosophised.
“You better hope so in your case.”
“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?”
“Be quiet!” Janet yelled, causing the two to fall into startled silence. “The pills. Now. Or I bring out the large needles.”
Promptly, Janet Frasier found herself in the possession of the offending pills. Calling over one of her nurses, who had been doing her best to remain as invisible as possible, she asked for tests to be run on their composition.
Her back turned, she heard Buffy whisper “Do you think she’s related to the bald boss guy? They’ve got an eerily identical yell.”
The doctor turned back to face two nearly identical looks of innocence. Taking a deep calming breath, Janet went back to her examination. She took a bit of blood from both of them – learning that the young woman shared the Colonel’s distaste for needles. Nearing the end of the exam, she turned to the Colonel.
“Colonel, please take off your shirt.”
Moving instinctively through drilled-in military obedience, the shirt was off in seconds. Buffy grinned and gave a low whistle in appreciation.
“Say, Jack, for an old guy you’ve got some nice abs.”
“And for a tiny person, you have a decent sized rack,” Jack shot back.
“I’m not tiny!”
“Of course not…for a hobbit.”
“I can still kick your old wrinkly ass.”
Used to Jack’s antics, Janet ignored the back-and-forth insults until she noticed a weird mark on his lower back in the shape of a bulls-eye. She leaned in closer and touched it slightly – it felt like…seared flesh.
“Hey, Doc, if your done poking around can we get out of here?”
“In a moment, Colonel,” Janet said, un-phased and used to the Colonel’s anti-infirmary behaviour, “Can you tell me how you got this burn?”
“Burn? What burn?”
Curiously, Buffy jumped off her own bed and peered at Jack’s back.
“Oh, yeah, the brand. I had forgotten Pimp gave us that.”
“Pimp being the person who bought you?” another voice asked. Everyone looked to see the General standing just inside the doorway.
“General, do you actually believe the Colonel’s story?” Janet asked in disbelief.
“I wouldn’t – if it wasn’t for the endorsement of a personal friend of Miss Buffy’s here.”
“The President?” she asked in shock, having assumed that that had been another one of Jack’s jokes.
“The very one,” Hammond said, turning an amazed look to Buffy, who was now sitting on the same bed as the Colonel. The two were looking at the Doctor and General like mischievous children.
“Save someone’s life and you can’t get rid of them,” Buffy said in a mock-annoyed voice.
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get rid of this one for years,” Jack said, jerking his thumb at Buffy.
“Me? I’m the one who saved you!”
“I think all that dying has fogged your memory.”
“One word, gramps -- Alzheimer’s”
“If I may continue?” General Hammond interrupted before the two could really get going. Hammond was already coming to learn that those two were worst then when Daniel and Jack got going.
“If you …ow!” Buffy yelped, massaging her side and glaring at Jack.
“Do you have any idea where we could find this… ‘Pimp’?”
“Uh, I doubt it, sir. He told us he travels to the…old country a lot,” Jack supplied.
“Yeah, he was only here on vacation. He wasn’t that bad of a guy either, well, except for the whole buying us thing. He did give us our freedom after winning him a shitload of money. Besides, ‘Pimp’ wasn’t even his real name, he was just using it while he was in this… country,” Buffy said.
“Is not ‘pimp’ the term used to refer to those who sell the sexual favours of woman for their own financial gain?” Teal’c inquired.
“Why, yes it is Teal’c. Thank you for that clarification,” Jack said sarcastically.
Teal’c merely raised his eyebrow at his leader’s tone.
“Don’t take offence Teal’c. Jack’s just mad because he’s the one who opened his big mouth after we were brought and asked if that meant the buyer was our ‘pimp’. Pimp took a liking to the idea and adopted it as a nickname.” She grinned slyly at Jack who was scowling, “He even adapted a new brand in honour of his new nickname.”
“How does a circle with a dot in the centre represent ‘pimp’?” Janet asked in confusion, being the only one besides Jack and Buffy to see the brand. Jack immediately sent a warning look to Buffy who only grinned back mischievously.
“Well, we’re waiting?” Hammond finally asked. Apparently, he still was a glutton for punishment.
“It’s a…” poke in the ribs, “breast,” Buffy finished with a smirk – even though she hadn’t used her original choice of words it was apparent to everyone there what she was going to say. Well, except maybe Teal’c.
Choosing to ignore that revelation for the moment, Hammond turned to his Chief Medical Officer.
“Doctor Frasier, despite the Colonel’s and Miss Buffy’s…branding, how are they physically?”
“With exception of some minor bruising and scratches, they’re fine physically. Although, if I didn’t already know the Colonel – I would suspect brain damage,” Janet said sardonically.
“Good, good,” Hammond said, seemingly at a loss for words. He took a deep breath and seemed and a resolved look came to his face. “Miss Buffy, on behalf of the President of the United States of America, I would like offer you a position here at Stargate Command.”
“Are you serious?” Buffy asked in shock.
“The President has the utmost confidence in your abilities.”
“Well, I am between jobs right now…” a vacant look entering her eyes as she considered the offer.
“Buffy, you can’t seriously be thinking about this! You’ll be working for a top-secret military operation; you won’t be able to tell anyone about it, it’s dangerous, the higher ups will try to screw you over, you’ll never get the credit you…deserve…” Jack’s voice trailed off. Janet, Hammond, and Teal’c looked at Jack curiously – unused to the site of Jack stopping himself during one of his tirades.
“Alright, but you can’t tell the Scoobs.”
“They’re not going to like that,” Buffy commented.
“Okay,” Buffy said trying to placate him, “but I can’t guarantee that Willow’s not going to get curious.”
“She wouldn’t,” Jack accused, narrowing his eyes.
“Never stopped her before.”
“Then tell her not to, or I’ll tell Carter that Willow can do magic and put them in the same room.”
“They’d kill each other.”
“Thus solving our problem.”
Buffy eyed Jack.
“You broke one of Carter’s doohickeys, didn’t you.”
“It was an accident!” Jack protested. “I can’t believe she’s still mad at me – the stupid thing gave me some kind of electrical burn and Old Doc here had me confined to base for days.”
“Why didn’t you sneak out?” Buffy asked curiously.
“Because the Colonel knows better than to try,” Janet said in a stern voice. The two looked at her blankly, having forgotten that there were others in the room.
“It’s because everyone tattles on me and refuses to be an accomplice,” Jack told her in a fake stage whisper.
The two looked at each other – twin grins lightening their faces. Janet felt a shiver of premonition snake down her spine.
“I think it’s time for the Grand Tour…” Jack stated, hoping off the bed.
“Because I’m going to be working here…” Buffy confirmed, joining Jack as the two of them made a hasty retreat.
“The cafeteria, weapons locker, exits…”
“Do you know where she keeps those needles?”
“Don’t forget the penlights…”
Their voices faded as the two strolled down the hallway, leaving behind two very nervous senior officers. Janet turned to the General but he raised his hand before she could say anything.
“Doctor, I’ll try to get you her medical charts…as soon as I find out her last name,” Hammond said in a resigned tone, heading back to his office. Just as he was leaving he turned back and said, “And try to track them down in the meantime and give Buffy a complete physical.”
With Hammond and Teal’c gone, Janet Frasier sat down at her desk, looking at the cot in her office longingly, wondering if she could catch a quick nap before the lab results came back. Just being around those two was exhausting. Before coming to a decision, a nervous nurse knocked on the open door.
“Ma’am, I went to draw some blood from Lt. Connors but we’ve run out of needles.”
“What! I checked them just a few hours ago, and we had over ten boxes in the supply room.”
“Yes, ma’am, but the boxes are all empty. All we found was this,” she explained, handed Janet a typed note.
IF YOU WANT YOUR PAIN BRINGERS BACK YOU’LL HAVE TO COMPLY WITH THE FOLLOWING DEMANDS:
1) JELLO IS TO BE RECOGNIZED AS AN OFFICIAL FOOD GROUP
2) ALL PENLIGHTS ON THE BASE ARE TO BE DESTROYED
3) A TV AND DVD PLAYER IS TO BE SET UP IN THE INFIRMARY, ALONG WITH ALL THE SIMPSONS DVD BOX SETS
IN TEN SECONDS THIS NOTE WILL BE EXACTLY THE SAME AS BEFORE.
Janet looked at the note, unable to decide if she wanted to laugh or cry.
“Um, ma’am, are you feeling alright?” the nurse asked hesitantly, as she watched her superior’s face.
“I’m fine,” Janet reassured her with a tight smile. “Could you locate a guard and ask him to locate Colonel O’Neill and our newest recruit and ‘escort’ them back here.”
Not bothering to watch her nurse leave, Janet sat down at her desk again – this time sleep was the farthest thing from her mind. She rubbed her temples tiredly as she felt an ‘O’Neill Headache’ coming on. Idly, she wondered how well those Happy Pills worked. Maybe she would pay the General a visit and find out exactly what the Colonel and Buffy had been up to for the last four days.
Suddenly, a horrific thought crossed the doctor’s mind. Jack was bad enough for getting into trouble offworld – but between the two of them Jack and Buffy had managed to get into that kind of trouble while still on Earth. If Buffy was certified for offworld travel…
That afternoon the nurses tiptoed around the infirmary, after Doctor Frasier returned from her meeting with General Hammond. Everyone knew of the sudden shortage of needles and the futile search for the ‘anonymous thieves’. They avoided Doctor Frasier’s office – especially when they heard a rhythmic thumping that sounded suspiciously like someone hitting their head repeatedly on a wooden desk.