Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or HellBlazer.
(though I’m going to see the movie, I prefer the comic books. Changing circumstances just slightly to make this happen. Be advised I do like Spike, I just had a plot bunny hit me while I was asleep. Also, I usually don’t put cussing into my fics, or I keep it to a minimum. But, the hellblazer series has a lot. So this one time I’m making an exception.)
Spike stalked toward the entrance of his hideaway.
He turned toward Drusilla. “Yes Love?”
”I’ll bring some dinner home.” Then he grinned. “Maybe the Slayer or one of her friends.”
Drusilla walked out of the shadows as he finished speaking. “Watch out Spike… the hidey-man will make you shiney.”
Spike slammed through the warehouse door and out into the street. As he hit the ground, he looked up at the Kwek demon.
“Now Mate… I swear I didn’t mean to cross into your territory. My girl is just…”
A police officer was driving down the road at 30 miles an hour. A screaming something in black whizzed by him at a fast rate. He blinked then shook his head.
“Nah, couldn’t be.”
Spike staggered to his feet and groggily entered the first door he came to. Above it was a sign with the name “Ethan’s” on it.
He wandered dazedly into the back, and saw a duster of similar make but slightly different shade to his. There were some words above it. He stared blearily, then shrugged.
“Ah, what the hell. Might as well look.”
He took off his duster, and tried on the other one. Then he turned to look for the owner in order to see what his opinion was. Then he tripped and fell.
Ethan was in the back, preparing for the Halloween crowd. He heard the door open. As he went to look, he heard a shuffle then a thump. When he walked toward the area it had come from, he noticed a blond haired man passed out. He nudged him.
“Wha…” Spike mumbled
“Get up. It’s not opening time yet. Come back in a few hours or so.” Ethan said smiling maniacally.
Spike continued to mumble as he stumbled out with his new coat.
Ethan rolled his eyes and sighed. Then he picked up the coat and put it on the rack. He never noticed it was different.
John Constantine blinked as he looked around. “What the hell?” He lit a cigarette and started to walk down the street. Then he paused as he felt a weird presence. He turned and stared at a ghostly demon visage. It spoke.
“Give me my body back you sodding Wanker!”
John blinked. “What?” Then he heard a shuffle. When he turned around, he saw a man in dark clothes who looked to be of Irish descent.
“Spike.” The man snarled.
John blinked, then flew back a few feet from the punch. “Bloody Hell! Warn a guy next time will you?”
Then he paused. “Since when did my voice change?”
Angel stalked forward, then paused. He felt something. When he turned to look, he blinked in shock.
The ghostly visage opened its mouth. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Peaches.”
Angel looked back and forth between the two.
John sighed as he lit yet another cigarette. “So let me get this straight. I’m a comic book character…” then he pointed at Spike’s demon essence. “He’s a vampire, drinking blood and everything. And we’re on a mystical weak point called the Mouth of Hell where someone tries to end the world pretty much every day?”
Angel sighed. “Yes.”
“Bloody typical. I can’t even get a bleeding vacation for once. And what are you?”
“Vampire with a soul.”
Spike spoke up. “Bloody nuisance if you ask me.”
They both glared at him. “Who asked you?”
“Well if that’s the way you’re going to be…”
John looked over at Angel after a minute. “Don’t tell me… there’s some kind of restriction.”
Angel blinked. “What?”
“From what you said, vampires don’t have souls. Yet you do. What, did someone decide to curse you?”
“Yes.” Angel growled.
John shook his head. “How long ago?”
“A couple of centuries.”
John nodded. “Word of advice. With a curse involving vengeance, read the fine print damn close before any kind of intimate contact with the opposite sex.” Then he looked at Angel. “Or is it same sex?”
Angel glared in a silent snarl.
“Just checking. In either case, you might wind up losing your soul if you do something like, say, making love?” Then John grimaced. “Idiots probably didn’t have much experience casting it, or they would’ve made it a little more permanent.”
Spike burst out laughing. “Oh, that’s fucking marvelous.”
”What are you going to do?” Spike yelled while continuing to laugh.
John grinned. “You are aware that when this spell or whatever it is was cast, it caused your body to have a heart beat. I also seem to have a decent pair of lungs.”
“Oh Bloody Hell!”
Angel heard a scream at that point, and he and John ran toward it.
“Come back you idiot!” Spike yelled. “You’ll give me a bad rep, running to save someone!”
Angel and John showed up and paused. A blond woman in a Victorian dress was screaming at a car as it drove by.
“Save me from the demon!”
Then they watched as a red head ran out of a wall followed by a young man in a soldier’s costume.
The blond paused. “My name is Elizabeth, not Buffy.”
John sighed. “So much for a peaceful evening.”
The redhead turned and screamed. “Spike! Angel, help us!” Then she screamed again when Spikes ghostly body appeared before her.
“What? Haven’t you seen a ghost before?”
John shook his head. “What I wouldn’t give for my gold knuckles… so I can knock that idiot around a few times.” Then he stalked forward. “Leave the lady alone. Unless you want me to figure out how to make myself a permanent resident in your body!”
Spike stared in shock. “You wouldn’t!”
John leaned in close and glared. ”Try me.”
Willow blinked in shock as she stared between the two.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Yes I put on a costume or something… yes he’s a comic book character in my body. Now can we fuckin’ fix this!”
Willow snarled and kicked at him. Her foot connected between his legs.
“EEP!” Willow said as she turned to John in shock. “I just wanted him to stop cussing.”
Angel rubbed his head. “At least we know how to shut him up now.” Then he grinned. “And he knows better than to try and retaliate.”
“You had to bring that up didn’t you!” Spike yelled.
The soldier spoke up. “Shouldn’t we get to a defensible location so we can talk?”
John grinned. “Why? We’ve been changed into our costumes, right?”
Willow blinked. “Yes…”
“So where did we get them from?”
Angel spoke. “Shouldn’t we get Giles first?”
“Well, if you want to prolong the time it takes for all the little nippers to be in costume…”
Cordelia ran up to them at that point. “There you are! And why’s Spike with you?”
John looked her up and down. “Well now, who might you be?”
“Shut up Spike!”
“That’s not me!”
Cordelia turned and blinked. “And I thought my life had been weird before.”
John lit another cigarette. “Since Red’s intangible so to speak…”
“Willow then. She can go get this Giles and lead him to the shop, or what’s left.”
“Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve destroyed something. So, where’s this shop anyway?”
John stood outside the shop. Willow and Giles caught up with him at that point.
“Better let the librarian and I go in.”
“Why?” asked Angel.
“Well, I have the feeling he has a score to settle with the owner, and I can feel where the spell is coming from.” John grinned. “Let’s go in.”
Ethan grinned as he sensed the chaos outside. Then he grinned even more when he sensed a unique costume. Then he frowned.
“I never sold that…”
He got up and walked to check. “No, still… wait a minute.”
As he reached out, he heard someone strike a match. When he turned around, he saw the man who’d been in the shop earlier. He was wearing the trenchcoat.
Ethan smiled. “Well, hello.”
The figure finished lighting his cigarette, then tossed the match away. Then Giles walked out and handed him the statue.
The figure that Ethan now recognized as being similar in behavior to John Constantine, held it out.
“Nice spell, idiot. Too bad I have to destroy it too. I like the way you worked it.”
Ethan blinked. “Thanks?”
John nodded. “I could’ve done it without the hassle. Of course, I would have left the children out of it. They’re innocent after all.” Then he grimaced at a round of cussing he heard from outside, followed by a scream.
“Unlike some I can name.” Then he grinned. “I think I like it here. Better than being a storybook hero.”
Giles blinked. “What…”
John waved a hand. “Oh don’t worry. This spell will be broken, but parts will remain.” John grinned. “Having Spike’s knowledge of the demons in this world will help.”
Then he sprinkled something that he had worked onto the statue. Then he threw it to the ground and shattered it.
“Now then, I believe you and the librarian had something to discuss?”
Ethan slowly backed away as Giles stalked forward.
Angel blinked as he stood in front of the shop, watching and listening to a weird sight.
“Bloody Hell! I said give me my body back! Not give me any old body!” Spike yelled as he raced around on four short stubby legs.
As his centuries passed, he would forever be known as Spike the HellPoodle.
The Powers That Be dubbed John “Annoying Bastard!” and for various reasons known only to them “RUN AWAY!”
(I fear this is a one-shot, though there isn’t any guarantee that that will not change.)