Title: Celebrity Slay Match
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author
EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com
Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.
Spoilers: Everything. Keep in mind that this was written between Buffy Seasons 2 and 3.
Summary: Joss vs. the Slayer and Slayerettes
Disclaimer: All Buffy tVS characters belong to Joss. Celebrity Death Match and its characters belong to MTV. Real people borrowed for the purpose of the story and no slander is intended (implied is in the eye of the beholder). All other characters belong to their owners. The scenario is all mine.
(Show Celebrity Death Match logo and play theme song. Cut to broadcast booth. Jonny Gomez is seated on the left, Nick Diamond on the right.)
Jonny: Good evening, fight fans, and welcome to a special broadcast of Celebrity Death Match. I'm Jonny Gomez.
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. We'll be hosting tonight's fight. And boy, do we have a doozy of a fight tonight, don't we Jonny?
Jonny: That we do, Nick, and an unusual fight it is, too. For the first time ever, we're letting *fictional* characters into the ring!
Nick: Fictional? Nick, I thought it was the actors vs. the creator of the show!
Jonny: Actually, Nick, from what I understand, the actors have been possessed by the characters they play.
Nick: Amazing! I guess I should have expected...but we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we? We haven't told the audience who's fighting yet!
Jonny: Oh, that's right! Well, let's fix that!
(Cut to long shot of the arena. From the left slides a picture of Joss Whedon. From the right, slides a picture of the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)
Jonny (voice over): Tonight, it's the characters from the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. the show's creator, Joss Whedon. Apparently, the characters are mad about how they got treated throughout the second season and want to return the favor. So they possessed the actors who play them just to get even.
(Cut back to broadcast booth)
Nick: I'm shocked, Jonny! How did this ever happen?
Jonny: It seems some fans of the show were into witchcraft and didn't like the season finale. So they whipped up a spell and here we are.
Nick (shakes head): Will wonders never cease. Anyway, let's see what tonight's combatants have to say.
(Cut to the locker room. Joss Whedon is sitting on a bench, typing madly away on a laptop computer. He's wearing T-shirt and jeans. Cathy the locker room interviewer stands just to the right.)
Cathy: Good evening, Mr. Whedon. What do you think...what are you doing?
Joss (Pauses in his typing and looks up): Eh?
Cathy (Points to lap top): What are you doing? Shouldn't you be getting ready for the fight?
Joss: The fight? Why? They're my characters, so they gotta do what I say, right? Anyway, I'm finishing up the scripts for Season 3. It's gonna be a real doozy compared to last season...
Buffy (from offscreen): WHAT?!
(Buffy Summers and Angel appear from the left. Angel is attempting to keep her from tearing Joss apart right there.)
Buffy: YOU!!! YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE, YOU BASTARD!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Buffy: I'M GONNA DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH THAT SHRIVELED PRUNE YOU CALL YOUR HEART!!! SLOWLY!!!
Angel: Buffy, please...
Buffy: I'M GONNA TAKE AN EXACTO KNIFE AND CUT OFF YOUR *LITTLE* HEAD!!! AND THEN...
Angel: ...save it for the ring. You can tear him apart then!
(Buffy bursts into tears and runs offscreen to the left. Angel, Joss, and Cathy watch her go.)
Joss (a bit shaken): Well, ah, thanks for the save, Angel...
(Angel, turns to Joss, game face on and lets off a low growl. Then he follows Buffy off screen. Cathy turns to face the camera.)
Cathy: Well, Jonny, Nick. As you can see, emotions are running high here. Back to you.
(Cut to broadcast booth.)
Jonny: Nick, is it just me or does Mr. Whedon seem a bit overconfident?
Nick: He seemed to be a bit overconfident to me too, Johnny. I mean, both Buffy and Angel are supernaturally powerful fighters. What does Mr. Whedon have to counter that?
Jonny: I don't know, Nick, but we've been surprised before. And before we begin tonight's fight, allow me to introduce tonight's special cohost, Patrick Stewart!
(Shot widens. Patrick Stewart in complete Starfleet uniform is sitting to Jonny's left.)
Jonny: Welcome to Celebrity Death Match, Patrick!
Stewart (Looks around in confusion): What? Where?
Nick: Hey, Patrick, before we begin, what do you think of tonight's matchup. Is Mr. Whedon overmatched?
Stewart: What? Who are you? Where am I? And why the blazes are you calling me Patrick? My name is Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc Picard!
Nick: Uh oh...
Jonny: Jean-Luc Picard? Of the starship Enterprise?
Stew...er...Picard: Of course. Now where...what is that commotion down there?
(Cut to audience. Two men in Superman costumes are standing in the bleachers, arguing.)
Jonny (voiceover): Why, Pat...er, Captain Picard, it looks like Dean Cain and Christopher Reeve!
Nick (voiceover): Or is it?
Cain: I'm Superman!
Reeve: No, I'm Superman!
Cain: No you're not, you imposter!
Reeve: Oh, yeah? Could an imposter do this?
(Reeve punches Cain. Cain flies through the far wall and keeps on going. A second later, Reeve flies after him. Cut back to broadcast booth.)
Picard: My god...
Jonny: Nick, Captain, it seems that character summoning spell was a lot more powerful than we thought.
Nick: That it does, Johnny. Apparently, it just isn't the Buffy actors getting possessed by their characters.
Jonny: Yeah, I wonder how many...
(Picard is suddenly enveloped in blinding blue light and electrical sparks. When it fades, Picard has been replaced by what appears to be Scott Bakula, dressed in the same Starfleet uniform.)
Jonny: ...actors have been possessed by the characters they play. What do you think, Captain?
Sam Beckett: Uh...possessed? Oh boy!
(Cut to Waiting Room at Project Quantum Leap. Picard is wearing that white leotard.)
Picard: Now where the bloody blue blazes am I?
(Cut to long shot of the ring. Bell clangs.)
Jonny (voiceover): Almost time for the fight to begin.
(Cut to Joss in one corner.)
Jonny: In the red corner we have the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the phenomenal hit television show on the WB! JOSS! WHEDON!
(Joss waves to audience)
Audience (off screen): BOOO!!! HISSS!!!
Joss: Hey, is that any way to treat the creator of your favorite TV show?
Audience (off screen): BOOO!!! HISSS!!!
(Cut to another corner. Buffy and Angel are liplocked, oblivious to everyone else. Rupert Giles is to their left and Xander to their right. Xander is rolling his eyes in disgust.)
Jonny (voiceover): And in the blue corner are Buffy Summers, Angel, Rupert Giles, and Xander Harris possessing Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Boreanz, Anthony Stewart Head, and Nicolas Brendan respectively.
Audience (off screen): YAY!!!
Giles: Buffy, Angel, I believe that is our cue.
(Buffy and Angel remain liplocked.)
Xander: Allow me, Giles. (taps Angel on the shoulder) Hey, Deadboy! Isn't this the part where you lost your soul?
(Angel tears away from Buffy and spins around to face Xander.)
Angel (angrily): What do you know about that? I'll have you know that when I lost my soul, Buffy and I were...
Buffy: Angel! (Glares at Xander.)
Giles: Buffy, the fight is about to start.
Buffy: Oh, right! C'mon guys.
(Buffy heads offscreen towards the center of the ring followed by the others. Xander hangs back and looks into the frontrow of the audience.)
Xander: Wish us luck, Will. Better yet, wish Joss luck. He's gonna need it.
(Cut to front row of audience. Willow Rosenberg is sitting in her wheelchair. Seated next to her is her boyfriend Oz and Cordelia Chase. Jenny Calendar, Kendra and lots of other people who died in the series are also nearby.)
Willow: Kick his ass!
(Close up of Xander. Guilt flashes across his face.)
(Cut to long view of the ring. Joss, Buffy, Angel, Giles, and Xander gather around the bald referee.)
Jonny (voiceover): And refereeing tonight's match is our very own Mills Lane!
(Close up of Mills. Joss is on the left, Buffy on the right.)
Mills: All right, I want a good clean fight! No weapons, but everything else goes. Everyone understand the rules?
Joss: Please, I won't need weapons. In fact, I can win this fight without lifting a finger.
Buffy: Shyeah, right! I'm gonna...
Joss: I know, I know, you're gonna stake me, cut my head off with an exacto knife, blah, blah, blah...
(Buffy reaches for Joss to strangle him, but Mills pushes her back.)
Mills: Hey, missy, you don't start fighting until I say so! Everybody, back to your corners!
(Cut to long shot of the ring. Everyone is heading to their corners.)
Nick (voiceover): Jonny, it doesn't look good for Mr. Whedon. He's outnumbered and outgunned. How does he ever hope to win this fight? Jonny?
(Cut to broadcast booth. Sam and Jonny are engrossed in their own dialogue.)
Sam: So, what you're saying is that you put a bunch of famous people in a boxing ring and have them try to kill each other in the goriest and most disgusting way possible? That's sick!
Jonny: Yeah, isn't it great?
Sam: Great? Are you out of your...
Jonny: Oh, hey. The fight's starting. Nick, why didn't you warn us?
(Cut to Buffy's group.)
Xander: Hey, I wanna beat him up first!
Angel: You? Of the four of us, you have the LEAST grudge against Joss.
Buffy: Yeah, and I got the biggest. I'M gonna go first. Right, Giles?
Xander: No way! Buff, if you go first, I'll be needing a sponge to pick up what's left! I want something solid to hit!
(Cut to Joss)
Joss: Hello! I haven't got all night, y'know! And I want my actors back so we can keep filming season 3!
(Cut back to Buffy and company who are still arguing.)
Sam (voiceover): Y'know, for a bloodsport, this fight has been rather, ah, bloodless so far.
Jonny (voiceover): You said it. What do you guys think, is this Joss' secret strategy?
Nick (voiceover): You mean having all his opponents argue over who's going to fight first until they forfeit the match? Who'd a thunk it?
Jonny (voiceover): It'll be a sorry first for Celebrity Death Match.
Sam (voiceover): Hey, I'm not sorry.
(Buffy's group comes to a decision. Buffy breaks away and approaches Joss. Buffy draws a stake from its hiding place. Cut to shot of Mills and Buffy.)
Mills: Hold it, young lady!
Buffy: What now?!
Mills: You know the rules! No weapons I said! Get rid of that and every other stick on you!
Buffy: Alright, already. Sheesh!
(Buffy drops her stake to the floor, then starts pulling stakes out of the skimpy outfit she's wearing. This goes on for several seconds.)
Jonny (voiceover): Wow, would you look at all that wood!
Nick (voiceover): Guys, I never knew you could have so many hiding places in so little fabric.
Sam (voiceover): Must have something to do with pocket universes, quantum displacement, or...
(Xander and Angel appear and approach Buffy. The pile of stakes is knee high by now.)
Xander: Hey, Buffy, while you're busy with that, I'll go entertain Joss there. Don't worry, I'll leave you something.
(Buffy glares but says nothing and continues producing stakes. Xanders practically skips off screen. Angel and Buffy watch him go. Angel turns to Buffy.)
Angel: So, Buffy, you need help?
(Cut to Joss and Xander. They're circling each other.)
Joss: Well, it's about time. I haven't got all night. I'm a busy man y'know.
Xander: Yadda, yadda, yadda. Save it for the goldfish.
Joss: Xander, Xander, Xander, what can you possibly have against me? I let you come up with the plan to take out the Judge. I surround you with beautiful girls. And this is the thanks I get?
(Close up of Xander. He stops and starts ticking off reasons on his fingers.)
Xander: Lesse, now...how about that none of those girls will give me the time of day? And the ones that do are hazardous to my health? For that matter, what about Valentine's Day?
(Cut to Joss)
Joss: What about Cordelia?
(Cut to Xander)
Xander: What about her?
(Close up of Cordelia)
(Cut to Xander who resumes ticking off fingers)
Xander: And, hey, let's not forget Buffy. You really hurt her and that makes me...
(A foot comes from off screen and hits Xander square on the jaw, knocking his off screen. Cut to Joss standing over a senseless Xander.)
Audience (offscreen): Booo! Hisss!
Joss: Hey! Did I lift a finger? No, I did not!
Audience (offscreen): Booo! Hisss!
Joss: There's just no pleasing some people.
(Cut to broadcast booth)
Jonny: Whoa, I didn't know Mr. Whedon had it in him.
Nick: What? To pull a suckerpunch? Or in this case, sucker kick? Hell, Jonny, he's been doing that to his audience all season!
Jonny: Not that, that kick! Who knew that Joss Whedon was such a good fighter.
Nick: Not me, Jonny.
Sam: Hey, that Xander kid looks like he's alive.
Nick: An oversight.
Jonny: He's out of the fight which counts more than whether he's dead or alive.
Jonny: You said it, Nick.
Sam: You guys are sick!
Jonny: And loving it. Ooh, looks like contestant number two is up.
(Cut to Joss and Giles circling each other.)
Giles: I assure you Mr. Whedon, that you shall not distract me like you did Xander.
Joss: You sure of that?
Jonny (voiceover): Hey, where's Buffy and Angel? I would have thought they'd be in the fight by now!
(Cut to Buffy and Angel standing by a stack of stakes almost as tall as Angel. Angel has his arm stuffed down the back of Buffy's shirt all the way up to his armpit.)
Angel: Almost...got it...
Nick (voiceover): Jonny, it looks like they're still busy getting rid of all the stakes!
Sam (voiceover): They've pulled out everything but the kitchen sink!
Angel: Got it!
(Angel pulls a sink out of Buffy's shirt. He looks at it amazed.)
Buffy: So that's where it went! Think that's everything.
Jonny (voiceover): Looks like they finally got that sink, eh, Captain?
Sam (voiceover): What? Oh, heh heh, right!
(Suddenly, Giles flies head first into the pile of stakes and crashes, scattering stakes everywhere. Buffy bends over and checks him out)
Angel: Is he...?
Buffy: He's alive but knocked out.
(Cut to the broadcast booth)
Jonny: Wha? How did we miss the Whedon/Giles fight?
Nick: Who's up in the control room right now?
(Cut to the control room. It's a mess. Equipment is trashed. There is a jagged hole in the ceiling. Dean Cain and Christopher Reeve are duking it out right there in the middle of the room. A single station is still intact manned by a dedicated technician.)
Cain: I'm Superman! (Punch!)
Reeve: I'm Superman! (Punch!)
Tech: Security! Now would be a good time to get here!
(Cut back to the ring. Angel and Buffy are circling Joss warily. Joss stands in place, hands on his hips.)
Joss: Buffy, Angel, you guys don't want to hurt me.
Buffy: Wanna bet?
Joss: Please. If you kill me, the series will just up and die.
Buffy: Yeah, and maybe I'll finally get a chance at a normal life.
Joss: Hardly. What'll happen is that the series will be written by some hack or worse, a committee. Your adventures will devolve from high class to infantile. You'll become like, oh, the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!
(Buffy stops, horrified.)
Buffy: Oh my God!
Angel: Buffy! Don't let him get to you! Snap out of it!
(Buffy shakes her head and starts circling again.)
Buffy: Nice try! I'm not buying it.
Jonny (voiceover): Well, this is dramatic.
Nick (voiceover): Not.
Sam (voiceover): Actually, I think that this is the witty dialogue before the action part. See, Whedon is trying to disuade violence by negotiation, which when you think about it, is a pretty noble thing to do...
Jonny (voiceover): Wait a minute, more dialogue!
Nick (voiceover): Wake me up when something starts happening.
Joss: ...really don't want to hurt me, Angel.
Angel: Oh? We've already heard that line. Give me one reason not to touch you.
Joss: You do want your own series, don't you?
Angel: My own series?
Joss: Yeah. Meaning you're the star. No more thirty seconds of screen time because it's not an arc episode but you're contracted for every episode anyway. Hey, I'll even throw in Cordelia.
Jonny (voiceover): You know, this sounds more like bribery to me.
Sam (voiceover): Er...
Angel: Hmm, I'm listening.
Angel: Wha? Oh! Nice try, Whedon, but I see through you. Tag team, Buffy?
Buffy: Sounds good to me!
(Buffy and Angel charge Joss. Fighting ensues.)
Jonny (voiceover): Well, it's about time! Hey, Nick, wake up!
(Joss blocks every blow from Buffy and Angel, twisting and turning every which way to block punches and kicks from all directions.)
Nick (voiceover): I'm impressed! Joss Whedon seems to be holding his own against a Slayer AND a vampire at the same time!
(Joss grabs a fist and flips Buffy on her back. A kick sends Angel flying into a corner pole.)
Sam (voiceover): No way can this guy be human!
(Buffy snaps a two foot kick into Joss' face. Joss staggers away. Buffy rolls to the side to a ready stance. Angel uses the corner pole he hit to pull himself up.)
Jonny (voiceover): And the Joss gets hit for the first time during the match!
Nick (voiceover): Hey, what's happening to him...
(Orange and red sparks are circling Joss, spreading out from the spot where Buffy kicked him. Suddenly, Joss is enveloped by a fiery explosion. When the smoke clears, Joss has been replaced by a ten foot classical demon: red, horns, goat legs, bat wings, and horned tail.)
Buffy (wide-eyed): You...you're...
Devil: ...the Devil.
Sam (voiceover): Wow. Can I call 'em or can I call 'em?
Devil: BWAHAHAHA!!! What? Did you think any human being could have written those scripts. HA! Humans always get sentimental about their characters. They don't have the courage to REALLY put 'em through the ringer. Now, I...
(Buffy charges the Devil, punching and kicking for all she was worth. The Devil doesn't even flinch. He grabs Buffy by the neck and hauls her off him. Buffy's punching and kicking becomes limited to the Devil's arm. Angel jumps on the Devil's back.)
Angel: Let her go! Urk!
(The Devil wraps his tail around Angel's neck and pulls him off. Angel hangs suspended from the tail.)
Nick (voiceover): Holey moley! Isn't this the night for surprises. How did this happen?
Jonny (voiceover): I heard that ever since Becoming Part 2, a great many Buffy fans considered Joss Whedon to be the Devil. When they summoned the characters to possess their actors, they must have summoned the Devil, too.
Sam (voiceover): What? No one noticed the difference?
Nick (voiceover): What difference?
Jonny (voiceover): Looks to be a pretty conclusive fight, from here. The Slayer and her boyfriend are this close from losing unless something unexpected happens.
(Christopher Reeve comes crashing through a wall backwards and flies right into the Devil. The Devil drops Buffy and Angel who immediately back off to regroup. The Devil picks up Reeve.)
Devil: Get off me, fool!
(Cut to hole in wall. Dean Cain climbs through.)
Cain: I'M Superm...
(Cain is interrupted when Reeve slams into him, driving both of them back through. Cut to the Devil who is dusting himself off. He looks around for Buffy and Angel, but finds the ring empty of everything except himself and a few hundred stakes.)
Devil: Where'd everybody go?
Buffy (offscreen): Hey, Stinky!
(Devil looks up. Cut to Buffy and Angel standing on a catwalk. They wave a very familiar pair of swords at him.)
Buffy: Remember these?
(Buffy and Angel proceed to cut the support cables on the overhead lighting. The entire framework drops. Extreme close up on the Devil.)
Devil: Oh, sh...
(Cut to side view of the ring. Several thousand pounds of steel and lighting fixtures squash the Devil with a resounding crash. Cut to front row audience. Cordelia and Ms. Calendar are taking care of Xander and Giles. Everyone else stares up at the wreckage.)
(Cut to long view of the carnage. Mills Lane can be seen inspecting it, looking for any signs of movement.)
Jonny (voiceover): I don't believe it! The Slayer pulls a Marilyn Manson on the Devil!
Nick (voiceover): Is it just me, or is that becoming a very popular move?
(Buffy and Angel drop from the catwalk and land with practiced ease next to Mills. Mills grabs Buffy's and Angel's wrists and raises their arms into the air.)
Mills: Ladies and Gentlemen! The Winners: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her Slayerettes!
Nick (voiceover): Shouldn't we be getting a close up of this?
(Cut to control room. Paramedics are working on the tech. Cain and Reeve are standing nearby looking remorseful.)
Reeve: We're sorry.
Cain: We didn't mean to.
Reeve: It was his fault.
Cain: What??? It was yours!
Reeve: Your fault!
Cain: Your fault!
(Reeve raises a fist. Cut to broadcast booth.)
Jonny: Well, folks, it looks like Buffy and the Slayerettes pull through again. This time defeating the Devil himself.
Nick: And this Deathmatch had several firsts, among them were all the possessed celebrities! Captain Picard, as a fictional character, what are your thoughts on this?
Sam: Well, Nick, I thought...
(Sam is interupted when he is suddenly enveloped by a blue glow and sparks. When the FX fade, Captain Picard is back in place.)
Picard: What? Where?
Nick: You were saying Captain?
Picard: Weren't you saying some rubbish about magic spells and possession?
(Jonny and Nick stare at Picard.)
Jonny: Oh, look! We're just about out of time.
Nick: We are?
Picard: This is one of Q's practical jokes, isn't it?
Nick: Oh, yeah! We are!
Jonny: Goodnight, folks. This is Jonny Gomez...
Nick: And this is Nick Diamond.
Picard: Q, I know you're here! Show yourself!
Jonny: Saying good fight...
Nick: ...good night.
Picard: Where did all that wreckage come from?