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Two (Former) Demons and A Wish

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Summary: An old friend of Anya’s comes to town. Slightly AU plus it’s solely dialogue.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Anya-CenteredParadoxFR1311,0240177611 Mar 0511 Mar 05Yes
Title: Two (former) Demons and A Wish.

Author: Paradox

Rating: PG-13 for excessive talk of torture

Summary: An old friend of Anya’s comes to town. Slightly AU plus it’s solely dialogue.

Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em. They belong to Joss. I do however own Caleb, Doxy and the made-up Demons.

AN: this was inspired by a bizarre and completely insane chat I had with one of my best friend, Caleb. Also influenced by major sugar high

Spoilers for Seasons 5,6




“Oh yes, Doxy, these are the Scoobies. That one in the tweed is Giles. He’s Buffy’s Watcher and the owner of the Magic Box. Over there’s Willow, Dawn, Riley, Tara, Buffy, Spike, and Xander. He’s off-limits.”

“Thanks for letting me know. I won’t mess with him then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Out of professional courtesy, I’m not allowed to mess with any of Anya’s boy toys.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark! Oh wait a sitch, not messing with the Xan-man is a good thing right?”

“You could say that.”

“Guys, this is Doxy. One of my best friends from my vengeance demon-y days.”

“Speaking of which, you never called, you never wrote. I’m deeply wounded that you seem to have forgotten all about me since you were booted out.”

“I wasn’t allowed to contact you! It’s in the contract!”

“Vengeance demons have contracts?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point. I suppose I’ll let it slide this time out of respect for all the vengeance we’ve done together.”

“Ooh! Since you’re here, you can help us with our research!”

“You sure do know how to show a girl a good time, Anya. What are we researching?”

“Anya, are we sure that she…”

“Giles, if it was written down and it’s any sort of demon or hellmouth-y related thing, Doxy would know of it or where to find information on it.”

“Oh…well, we’re trying to find any and all information about hell goddesses and more specifically, information on how to kill them.”

“Kill the host, oh and don’t let her open any trans-dimensional portals. If fact, don’t let her near any portals at all.”

“We’re screwed.”

“Well it could be worse, guys. I mean you could end up like this one guy I knew.”

“What happened to him?”

“D’Hoffryn always said his first mistake was making friends with us in the first place. But anyways he, like most all friends do, occasionally enjoyed pushing our buttons. One day he pushed a little too far, so we had to deal with him.”

“I’m more than likely going to regret asking this, but chalk it up to morbid fascination caused by temporary insanity, how exactly did you ‘deal’ with him?”

“Made him into our whipping boy by writing him into several fandoms. Before I was a demon, I wrote an excessive amount of fanfiction. We always made sure to kill him off in the most gruesome and idiotic of ways, which actually was kinda fun, come to think of it; the whole re-incarnating and then killing and then re-incarnating and then killing again. It was a very complex and highly detailed wish.”

“Really? How’d you do it? Give us an example.”

“There was the time he was a Hrath’ik demon and was bitten to death by gerbils.”


“Gerbils. And then there was the time we threw him into this giant blender-y thing and he became ooze that we then spread all over this blanket that had all of his nearest and dearest drawing tools. We forced him to watch as we torched his computer and then his writing and drawing stuff. After that we sentenced him to a long life of forever cleaning public restrooms with his teeth. We made him listen to really bad 80’s music as he did horribly complicated mathematic equations explaining why women are the way they are.”

“Remind me to never make you mad.”

“We made him a eunuch once and then extended his lifespan by oh; say five hundred to a thousand years. Did I mention that he was also constantly surrounded by the most beautiful women this side of Paradise?”

“Now that’s just downright mean, spending an entire millennia, sexually frustrated like that.”

“Evil. Very Evil. I might just have to marry you for that.”

“Used him in several horror flicks…he was always the one to get trapped with the flesh eating mummy and then impaled on the bed of spikes.”


“Decapitation was a favorite for a while, especially during the French Revolution. We made him into a giant chew toy for Cerberus once.”

“Wait a titch, you keep saying ‘we.’ Who’s we?”

“This earthly shell is merely a repository for a number of souls. For instance, we have Bob, Other-Bob, George/Mireille, Twyla, and Twee-pang, not counting Doxy. And then there was Anya, this nice vengeance demon who helped me with some of the more ‘technical’ details.”

“Oh Dear Lord.”

“Soooo….Where is this guy now?”

“This is his 666,000,000 re-incarnation, soooo, let’s see…Oh yes, this always was one of my more creative ideas…”

“What was?”

“Two words for ya; Chainsaw…Cheesegrater..”

“Yes, that was a good one, though the rolling him around in knifegrass and then throwing him in shark-infested saltwater was a good one.”

“Saints preserve us.”

“Out of curiosity, what was this guy’s name?”

“Caleb…Caleb Case.”

“Wait, weren’t you human once?”

“Yeah, until D’Hoffryn offered me a job working with Vengeance demon-y stuff. He liked my spunk apparently and the creativeness and intricacy of my wish. So I became the patron demon for muses and disgruntled artists. Musicians, Authors, Painters, Poets, Novelists…it was a fairly big field. There were even a few actors in there…”

“So if you were a demon, how come you’re human now?”

“Got thrown out.”


“Too creative. Plus D’Hoffyn said I gave him migraines with the delightedly evil giggles that emanated from successful execution of my wickedly malicious plottings.”

“So he sent you here?!”

“No, but word came around the vengeance demon’s equivalent of a grapevine that this is where Anyanka had taken up roots and so I decided to stop in and see an old friend before deciding what to do with my newly human again life.”

“Oh, well in that case…”

“Welcome to Sunnydale, home to all things freaky and demon-y.”

“Thanks, I just hope it won’t be boring.”

“I Wish.”

Thanks to everyone who reads this latest bit of insanity. I am working on the sequel to Twins!? It should be up by next week.

The End

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