Title: Clean Up on Aisle 5 (4/?)
Author: Ed Scott
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners... none of
who are me.
Summary: Another Xander’s hidden powers story.
Feedback, It's the coin of the realm
Buffy threw her punch as hard as she ever had in the past, intending to take her former ex best male friend’s head off. When said head remained where it should be, everyone including Xander was shocked. When the shock wore off, Buffy swung again. This time, Xander ducked. Buffy’s momentum was such that it spun her around 180 degrees. Taking advantage of this, Xander put her in a choke hold and held her two inches off the floor. Soaking wet, Buffy was 110 pounds to Xander’s 125. Everyone would have laughed at seeing Buffy struggle, if the situation wasn’t so serious.
Giles started polishing his glasses. “Xander. Put her down.”
“Not unless Buffy reigns in her homicidal tendencies. A little more pressure and Buffy will be out like a light. So, unless she wants to stay conscious, you tell her to calm down and talk like a civilized person. If not, nighty night.”
Not wanting to be knocked out, Buffy stopped squirming. Xander hesitantly let her down to the floor. He slowly backed away, keeping an eye on Buffy. A temporary truce was set when Buffy didn’t attack him.
“Why did you do it, Xander? Why did you kill Angel?”
“It was Angelus I killed, and I did it because I was hired to clean up the messes you make. Since you wouldn’t do your job, I was sent. And before you say it, I haven’t been jealous of him in months. If you didn’t screw his soul out of him, he’d still be here.”
“Xander, who hired you?”
Xander was about to respond, when there was a voice heard over by the stacks. “He works for me.” Everybody turned to see an eighty year old man in a checkered shirt, gray jacket and pants standing there smoking a cigar. “I’m here to answer questions that I’m sure Xander has. So, Xander. What would you like to know about last night?”
“When the vamp bit me, why did he stop and start screaming?”
“Very simple, my dear boy. I blessed you. You didn’t think your blood wouldn’t be blessed too?”
That made so much sense to Xander, he never realized he never thought of it. “OK. When Angelus and I went hand to hand, why didn’t his punches hurt more than they should have?”
“If a supernatural being willfully fights you, they lose all their advantages. Makes it as even a fight as possible. Vampires have had it too easy. The way the Slayer, and the Watcher’s Council have been acting over the years, I decided a change needed to be made. Unlike the Slayers being chosen by fate, my Champion will have to earn the position.”
Buffy took that moment to butt in. “Earn what? And who the hell are you, Gramps?”
Xander covered his eyes with his left hand. “Buffy, I don’t believe you actually said that to Him. Buffy Summers, Rupert Giles, Willow Rosenberg, Jenny Calendar and Cordelia Chase. Allow me to introduce… God.” The shock on everyone’s faces was comical.
Giles was rapidly cleaning his glasses. If he cleaned them too much, there might not be any lenses left. Willow, Jenny and Cordelia were too stunned to do anything. Buffy was having a hard time believing the being in the room was God Himself.
“God? God of what?”
“The God, Buffy. As in ‘Let there be Light!’ Jesus’ father. The reason anyone goes to church on a Sunday. Please, tell me you’ve heard of Him.”
Buffy looked like she thought he thought he was an idiot. “Of course I know who God is. It’s just that…”
“He’s not looking like you thought He would. Am I right? Were you expecting Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise?” Buffy had no response to what she thought God would look like..
“I will kill you for killing my soul mate, Xander.”
“If you do, you’ll go to hell.”
God looked at Xander. “She’ll go somewhere worse.”
Giles looked at the Supreme Being. “What could be worse than Hell?”
“Wisconsin.” The look of utter shock was on everyone’s faces. “In a couple years you’ll really laugh at that joke.”