Xander and Anya's Excellent Adventure in the Labyr
Xander and Anya's Excellent Adventure (In the Labyrinth)
The story is a cross-over with the 1986 film The Labyrinth and takes place prior to Hell's Bells in Season 6.
Pairings: Xander/Anya, Xander/Jareth
Rating: PG-13 through Chapter 6, Chapter 7 rated R.
Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/20th Century Fox. Labyrinth Characters and setting are the property of HENSON ORGANIZATION LTD. and THORN EMI SCREEN ENTERTAINMENT LTD. No infringement is intended.Chapter 1
Xander scrubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath. He tried counting to ten to calm himself. One. Two. Three. Four. Fivesixseveneightnineten.
“Ahn. When you said you wanted a traditional wedding, you knew
I thought you meant the white gown, a big cake and a reception at the Fire Hall or the Bison Lodge! How the heck could you possibly think I'd agreed to blood larvae, entrails and goblins?”
Xander paced, his hands running through his hair until it was standing straight up, giving him an uncanny resemblance to Angel.
“I don't even know what 'blood larvae' is . . . are . . . whatever, but I know for sure Buffy and Willow aren't going to wear it! Or them. And Dawn—” Uno. Dos. Tres. Quatro. Cinco. Seis . . . Seven. What was Spanish for seven? Siesta? No that was a nap.
Xander wished he could take a nap. Right this very minute. And then he'd wake up and this whole argument would have been a dream. Or a nightmare.
“And I'm pretty sure wearing entrails is some
violation of the health code! And just whose
entrails were you planning to wear? 'Cause that's . . . that's . . .” Un. Deux. Tres . . . or is that 'Trois'?
He flopped into his recliner and crossed both forearms over his eyes. You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You want to sleep . . . sleep . . .
He opened one eye and peeked out from under his arm. Anya was still standing there, hands on hips, foot tapping, wearing a frown, and still
not saying a word.
Why wasn't she saying anything? This was getting scary. Please say something!
Silent Anya was giving him a wiggins.
“Are you quite finished, Xander? Or is there more of your xenophobic rant you wish to share?”
“I'm not afraid of Xena! She's actually pretty hot and . . . okay, shutting up now.”
Xander slowly lowered his arms and gave Anya 'puppy-dog-eyes'. It was his last line of defense and he really, really wanted this whole nightmare to be over. He was nervous enough about the wedding; having to deal with the concept of larvae and goblins and entrails was definitely overkill.
Anya tossed her hair. “I should have known you'd be narrow-minded about this! It's my wedding, too, Xander, and I was just suggesting some of the time-honored traditions to make this wedding uniquely ours! Glistening pink entrails do so much for a bride's complexion. And the goblins storming the wedding and taking away the groom in the middle of the ceremony is fun. The bride and the guests have to track him down and—”
“I wish the goblins would come and take me away right now!” Xander muttered.
“Xander!” Anya screamed as he disappeared.
Clutching both fists at her sides, she turned around in a circle.
“D'Hoffryn! Get over here right now. I mean
“Hello, Anyanka. You're looking lovely as ever. Is there something I can do for you?” D'Hoffryn smiled smarmily at Anya.
“You know there is! Please bring Xander back now, D'Hoffryn. We have to get the details ironed out for the wedding and he didn't mean
to say the wish-word. You know he didn't!”
D'Hoffryn waggled his finger. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Anyanka. You of all people should know the power of the wish. If you're not able to control your human, I don't know what you expect me
to do about it.”
“Please, D'Hoffryn, just bring him back. Call it an early wedding present, okay?”
“It's out of my hands, Anyanka. Your intended didn't just make a wish to a vengeance demon, you know. He used the specific
invocation to the Goblin King, and Jareth and I have a long-standing treaty. We don't interfere in each others' work. There's nothing I can do.”
“But . . . but . . . How do I get him back?”
“The same way as anyone else. There are no special privileges for vengeance demons, especially ex
-vengeance demons. If you want him back, you—” D'Hoffryn raised one finger, “—solve the Labyrinth—”, a second finger raised, “—find your way through the Goblin City to the castle and—” , a third finger joined them, “—bargain with Jareth for his release. Simple. And you have—” D'Hoffryn took out a pocket watch and flicked it open. “—exactly 12 hours and 13 minutes to do so before your Xander becomes a goblin forever. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Goblins don't have any specific prejudices against blood larvae that I'm aware of . . .”
“Well. Good luck, Anyanka. Ta ta.”
With a jaunty wave, D'Hoffryn disappeared.
After a vertigo-inducing whoosh
, things began to stabilize and Xander opened his eyes. He was in some weird M. C. Escheresque room and he quickly closed them again. Okay. Let's try this again
. He opened one eye and peeked. Uh-oh. Still here
. But where was here
? He slowly turned, trying to process his surroundings, when he caught sight of a large throne with a . . . being . . . indolently draped over it.
“Are you a fairy?”
The being raised one eyebrow. “Why? Do I look
like a fairy?”
Xander focused on knee-high leather boots, skin-tight riding pants, a Byronic shirt and Tina Turner hair.
“Well . . . ”
“I'm the Goblin King.”
“Gob—oh shit! I should have known better! It's not as if I don't know about the power of the wish! I'm engaged to a former vengeance demon, after all.”
The Goblin King looked him up and down appraisingly. “Halfrek?”
The Goblin nodded knowingly. “Anyanka.”
Xander stared. “You know Anya?”
A blissful smile appeared on the Goblin's face.
“Merciful Zeus! Is there anyone she hasn't
“I'm Jareth, King of the Goblins. And you are . . .?”
“Xander. Xander Harris.”
“I'm very pleased to meet you, Xander. It's generally misbehaving children and babies who come to me—not fine, strapping . . . men.”
“Uh. Okay. How do I get out of here? 'Cause this was all a mistake. Anya was going on and on about the wedding and I was doing the sarcastic guy thing—you know? So, how do I get home?”
Jareth laughed. “You don't. You're mine now.”
“And when you say 'mine' . . . ”
Jareth sighed. “Alright. Anya has twelve hours and change to find the Labyrinth, solve the Labyrinth, fight her way through the Goblin City to the castle and then
convince me that I should let you go. That's the only loophole. After that, you become mine forever.”
“You mean . . . like your Queen?”
“Well, generally I just turn people into goblins—you know, the annoying babies and toddlers. But in your case, 'Queen' has definite possibilities.”
A frantic pounding on the door reverberated through the Summers' house.
Snatching up a sword on her way, Buffy went to open it. A disheveled Anya shoved past her, stating “I need to see Dawn”, as she rushed for the stairs.
“What does Dawn have to do with—”
Anya was totally ignoring her, single-mindedly climbing the stairs, so Buffy replaced the sword and hurried after her.
Anya burst into Dawn's room without knocking, and went straight to the bookcase.
“Rude much?” Dawn raised an eyebrow and stared at Anya.
“Anya! What's going on? Just what do you think you're—” Buffy burst in right after Anya.
Anya was running her finger over the titles of the books, continuing to ignore Buffy. Anya addressed Dawn.
“The monks made you anatomically correct, right?”
“Gave you the brain of a normal 14-year old girl?”
“I guess . . .”
“With all the requisite backstory—love of horses, desire to be a ballerina, crush on the latest teen idol and appropriate reading material? The Babysitters' Club, Sweet Valley High
and a-ha!” Anya snatched up a book. “I need to borrow this, Dawn. It's the only way I can get Xander back.”
Clutching Dawn's copy of The Labyrinth
, Anya dashed out of the house, leaving Buffy and Dawn staring at each other in puzzlement.
Dawn shrugged and resumed painting her toenails.
To be continued . . .