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10 Things that Never Happened to Methos

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Summary: Slightly skewed challenge response.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Highlander > GeneralStaciaFR1311,4561112,42628 Mar 0528 Mar 05Yes
Author: Stacia

Rating: 13 - for some mild language and a couple eensy bits of slashy goodness

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or fandoms represented below. No copyright infringement intended, so on and so forth.

A/N: This is a twist on Kamikazee’s Ten things that Never Happened challenge (#389). It specified that you were supposed to use a character from the Buffyverse, but my Methosmuse has been pestering me to let him have a go. Some of these are regular drabbles, and some are doubles - ‘cause I was breaking the rules of the challenge anyway.

1. Buffy/Angel - (Set just after the Angel episode ‘The Girl in Question.’)

He liked to watch her sleep.

When she was awake, it was disconcerting to catch a glimpse of the tremendous pain that hid just below the surface.

That isn’t to say that their time together was onerous. Quite the opposite. They enjoyed each other, and lived in the moment - sort of a vacation from their respective pasts. Deep down, they knew this was transitory, but Methos was determined to make the most of it while it lasted.

Because, damn, the girl had stamina.

Plus, it gave him an opportunity to twit Angel and Spike, and that was always fun.

2. Stargate - (Spoilerish for Season 8 finale)

Methos was being driven to distraction by one Duncan MacLeod. Depending on the hour of the day, he either wanted to kiss him or kill him. Joe thought the whole situation was hysterical. Duncan, of course, was oblivious.

So, what’s a 5,000 year old man to do? It’s quite obvious - road trip.

Two weeks later, he found himself in Colorado Springs, in search of beer, and some food to go with it. He found a place called O’Malley’s that seemed to fit the bill. He was headed for the bar - determined not to think about a certain stubborn Scot - when it happened.

He heard a male voice, in long-suffering tones, say, “Jaaack.”

It tickled something in his memory. He looked for the source of the voice and literally stumbled over his own feet. The floor rose up to meet him and a large potted plant tipped over on top of him. He stared through the foliage in disbelief.

Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal’c.

After the rebellion against Ra succeeded, they told some of their closest friends their secret. They were from the future. Five millennia later, Methos had proof that they hadn’t been lying, or insane.

“Bloody hell.”

3. Anita Blake

Methos eyed the blond man holding the gun.

“You call yourself Death. That’s a mite presumptuous, don’t you think?”

“The shifters gave me the name. They thought it was fitting.”

“Hmm, well, I suppose that’s alright, as long as you don’t get any delusions of grandeur.”

“It appears that I’m going to be your death, at least.”

“I seriously doubt that.”

Methos dropped his carefully constructed masks. The vestiges of Adam Pierson, Doc Adams, and countless others, sloughed off of him like an invisible second skin.

Edward forced himself to keep breathing. “What are you?”

Methos shrugged, “Your patron saint.”

4. Firefly - (After ‘Objects in Space‘)

The new medicines were working. Every day River found bits of herself that she thought had wandered away. The bits were even starting to fit back together - sometimes.

Sleeping helped. She used to have nightmares when the fragmented pieces of her mind collided and spun in the cacophony of unconsciousness. Now, sleep allowed her remaining uncertainties to stretch just enough to let the pieces fit back into their proper sockets. She often awoke with new/old memories. Things she didn’t know she had forgotten were now re-remembered. Yesterday, she woke up with the memory of her ninth birthday. The cake had been yellow.

Today, she remembered him.

She remembered his soft voice forcing her to fight to keep the pieces of River from slipping away. She remembered greenish/gold eyes that held the secrets of millenia in their bottomless depths and had the power to banish the blue hands for whole seconds at a time.


He was by her side an instant/an eternity later.

“We have to get him out! He made sure that I stayed River, instead of the-girl-who-used-to-be-River. He saved me every day, until you saved me - and he’s still there!”

“Who mei mei?”

A whisper.


5. Alias

Wife number forty-eight stood in the doorway of her husband’s workshop. He hadn’t responded when she knocked on the door, or when she had rather pointedly cleared her throat.



“Stop tinkering with your contraptions and secret codes. Dinner is getting cold.”

He turned to face his irate spouse, and his eyes glittered in appreciation of her pleasantly rounded body. He glided toward her with the grace of a feline predator and bent to whisper in her ear.

“Are you my dessert?”

She felt her face flush. “Milo, come to bed, I mean, come to eat . . . to eat dinner.”

6. Stephanie Plum - (Set during Ten Big Ones)

Stephanie snuggled into the sheets and inhaled the tantalizing Eau de Ranger that clung to her skin - a result of that fabulous shower gel.

Suddenly, she knew someone was in the room with her. After a brief moment of paralysis, she forced herself to open her eyes.

It wasn’t Ranger.

She didn’t know if she was relieved or terrified. He reminded her of Ranger - if Ranger were white and had gone undercover as an underfed grad student.

He smiled, “Good morning.”

Her response was an inarticulate sound that wasn’t remotely word-like.

His smile turned into a grin. “I’m Adam Pierson. I just stopped by for a surprise visit. When the guys downstairs said you were here, well, I couldn’t miss my chance to meet the infamous Stephanie Plum.”

‘Infamous?’ She thought. That sounded a tad condescending. More importantly, who was this guy who felt comfortable enough to waltz into Ranger’s private apartment?

He wasn’t . . . they couldn’t . . . Ranger certainly wasn’t!

Her suspicions must have shown on her face. Adam laughed and shook his head.

“We go way back. We’re just friends, and occasional sparring partners - more’s the pity. Doesn’t he smell divine?”

7. Kill Bill - (Takes place upon the Bride’s arrival in the U.S. after her sojourn in Japan.)

Methos grimaced as he headed for airport security to claim his sword. Buying his own plane was looking more and more attractive. Of course, Adam Pierson would have to die to make way for a more affluent persona . . .

His mental ramble died instantly as he entered the security office and laid eyes on the blond woman claiming an exquisite katana.

“Black Mamba.”

Her eyes widened in recognition.


“Bill contacted me four years ago. I told him to bugger off.”

She raised one eyebrow, “Thanks.”

“It was no problem.”

As she strode past him, he called after her, “Have fun.”

8. Dead Like Me

George was late. She slipped through the door of Der Waffle Haus and made a beeline for their usual booth. It looked like everybody was already there. Damn. Rube was gonna be pissed.

Just as she was about to slide into the booth, a tall man with short dark hair and an impressive nose came down the aisle the other way. They each tried to get out of the other’s way, but they only succeeded in doing the little dance where you step to the side at the same time the other person does.

The absurdity of it drew a chuckle from the man, and he stepped back to perform an abbreviated courtly bow, so that George could get by. Their shoulders brushed as she sat down, and she felt a wave of - something. It was as if the man had some kind of Reaper-repellant force field around him.

“What the hell was that?”

Rube passed her a slip of paper. “Don’t worry about it, peanut. He’s just the least likely person to ever need our services. I’d follow him though. Your appointment will probably be in close proximity.”

She glanced down at her paper.

S. Keane 10:41 a.m.

9. Harry Potter - (After Revelation 6.8)

Methos sat in a dark corner of the Leaky Cauldron, nursing his firewhiskey. He tried not to stare at the wrapped bundle in the chair next to him. It was time to move on. He finished his drink, and headed for the back with an air of quiet determination.

A quick visit to his vault at Gringot’s, drop off Silas’ axe, pick up enough money to buy a tropical island, and he could be on his way.

Then he could lay in the sun and forget about Caspian, Silas, Kronos, Cassandra, and the devastated look of disappointment on MacLeod’s face.

10. Dogma - (Before the movie.)

Methos sprawled on the barstool next to his old friend and beckoned to Joe, “I’d like you to meet . . .”

“Bernie - call me Bernie.”

Methos rolled his eyes. “Joe, could we get a beer, a tequila, and an empty glass?”

“Uh, sure.” Joe restrained his curiosity with great effort.

“Bernie?” Methos inquired.

Metatron snorted, “Herald of the Almighty tends to be a conversation killer.”

Methos nodded.

“Is She still pissed at me?”

“What do you think?”

“It’s been three thousand years.”

“You’re lucky you’re not stuck in Wisconsin.”

“What if I treated Her to an afternoon of skeeball?”

“It couldn’t hurt.”


The End

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