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A Remedy for What Is Ailing Me

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Summary: No matter what universe she finds herself in, Anya still manages to shock, disturb, and generally pervert.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Anya-Centered > Pairing: Severus SnapeechoFR1512,441083,29911 Apr 0511 Apr 05Yes
warning: heavy petting and very suggestive talk
disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. Anya belongs to Joss Whedon. The other characters belong to JK Rowling.
AN: This is all Booster's fault. Blame him and his naughty icon.


The door to his classroom slammed open, banging rather harshly against the wall. She certainly knew how to make an entrance. But then, she always had.

He'd never forget the day he'd been teaching shrinking potions to worthless dunderheaded third years, and she'd crashed his lesson. Literally. The woman had fallen from nothing onto his desk, knocking all sorts of things out of the way before bouncing and spilling onto the floor. If her entrance had not frightened the students, the way she screamed and swatted at her chest did. She had felt on her collar and muttered about not bleeding or being cut or dead. And it was fairly obvious that she was not bleeding or cut or dead because she was quite nude. No clothes to hinder the obvious rise and fall of her chest. He'd managed to take off his outer robe and cover her before the thirteen year old boys in the room became too appreciative of her lack of attire.

And that was how he, Severus Snape, had met Anya, so to speak.

Just Anya... because she had yet to choose a last name. She was certainly strange in that respect. She claimed she should be dead. That she had died, in fact, in her last life. She said the last name she used there belonged to that life, so she would have to let a new one come to her. The woman also turned out to be frightfully annoying yet strangely knowledgeable about certain things. Frightening things. Like certain demons and vampires and werewolves and zombies and any manner of things you were told to shy from in a Defense Against the Dark Arts text. And she often liked to share her disturbing knowledge with him. But judging by the current high color in her should-be-dead cheeks, knowledge wasn't what she wanted to share.

"Yes, Miss Anya, do come in. What can I help you with?"

"Well... considering it's probably been about a decade and half since YOU'VE had sex, I doubt you can help me yourself."

The quill he'd been using to mark scrolls skidded harshly across the parchment making a horrid scratching sound then snapped off at the tip.


She rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "I am sexually frustrated. It has been a very long time since I had orgasms. Even before I died my gruesome death in my last plane of existence and landed in this one."

Was she serious?

"I obviously would get into trouble for attempting to have sex with students, so I need suggestions from you of adult men who would be agreeable to meaningless sex. Preferably in the area as I haven't mastered that aparating thing, and I don't have my own broom yet."

Snape sputtered.

Anya eyed him. "Or perhaps you would be agreeable. You aren't as attractive as the last man I had sex with, but you aren't the ugliest thing I've ever seen either. As long as everything works properly on you..."

"I am not having sex with you!" He shouted right as Draco Malfoy stepped into the doorway behind Anya.

"I'll just come back later then." And with that said, Draco was gone.

Snape groaned and put his face in his hands. That was another thing about her. She always managed to get someone to catch them in completely innocuous situations that could totally be misconstrued as something more.

"Why don't you want to have sex with me?"

"Merlin help me." He muttered into his hands.

"Is it because I used to be a demon... because I don't think YOU should be so choosey."

He glared at her. Meanly.


"Just because I don't go throwing doors open and exclaiming that I need sex doesn't signify anything about my sex life... not that it is any of your affair, you obnoxious little gnat of a woman."

"Very crabby." She titled her head to the side. "I think YOU need the orgasms more than I do."

He glared at her. One of his eyes twitched.

After a moment of glaring and tense silence, Anya kicked the door to his classroom closed. Then she dropped her robes. She wasn't wearing anything other than her skin beneath them. Snape couldn't help his eyes bugging. He recovered himself so quickly he was certain she had not noticed his shock, but shocked he was. Women didn't do stuff like this to him. These sorts of things happened to Lucius Malfoy, not him.


His brows knitted together in confusion. "Well... what?"

"Prove to me you have a sex life."

He straightened his spine and went back to grading. He would not notice how nice she looked without clothing. He would not think about how her remark that he probably had not had sex in about fifteen years was hitting a bit too close to home. He would not notice how nice she looked without clothing. He would not notice how nice she looked without clothing. He would not notice how nice she looked without clothing. He WOULD NOT notice how nice she looked without clothing. He would not notice how well-made she was. He wouldn't. He just would not.

Snape chanced a glance at her. She was still naked with her hands on her hips... looking very nice. Damn.

"You're still determined to resist me?" She said nonchalantly, as if she were speaking about the weather. "I think it would help you if you had a couple of orgasms. I've heard how you talk to your students. You're very cranky, you know."

He just glared... and made sure his glare didn't venture below her neck.

"I can't believe you haven't jumped my bones yet. You must be made of sterner stuff than me... no pun intended. I would have pounced by now... because I know how good I look naked. Go on, help yourself, and at the same time you'd be helping me."

"I am NOT helping you."

"No, right now, you most certainly are not. I'm trying to imagine you naked, and there's so much black material covering your body I'm having a difficult time envisioning it."

"Well, stop that!" He snapped. "I am not succumbing to your... needs, woman, so you had best redress yourself and take your leave. You'll just have to take care of the situation yourself. I will not become involved."

"You want me to masturbate?"

He felt his cheeks flame.

"That's not getting it done anymore, Mister Potions Master. I want the two-person sex."

Had she just admitted to masturbating? Oh sweet Salazar, this conversation was NOT happening. It wasn't. He'd drifted off at his desk. But the fury of blood infusing his normally pale face told him he was wide awake.


He glared at her. "Well... what? I thought I told you to dress yourself and leave. I will not be swayed."

Anya snorted. "Was that a challenge, Professor Snape? Because I can be very determined. I like to win."

"How very Slytherin of you, Anya."

"See? I have qualities like you. I would be good for you."

He made a face at her. "Are you still talking about sex?"

"I was, but your Slytherin comment and your blatant denial that you need sex has made me realize that you might benefit from a woman nagging you constantly. You need a girlfriend as well as an orgasm friend."

"What?!" He shouted.

Anya nodded to herself. "Yes, I think you would benefit greatly by feminine influence. I think I am up to the task. You aren't what I would have chosen for myself in the past, but strangely, I don't find myself repulsed at the thought of having sex with you and spending evenings discussing books and music the way couples do. Or maybe I have just gotten that desperate."

Snape gaped at her. What did one say to something like that? He was both insulted and a bit flattered. Not that he would ever admit the latter.

"Do this often, do we? Accost acquaintances nude? Get out of here before I have to call the headmaster."

"I've only done this once before."


"He turned out to be the love of my human life... in my last life, but he didn't resist the temptation of my nudity this long. You have resolve. That's admirable, but also frustrating. I wish for you to ravish me now."

"Well, that's not going to happen. So this other man just pounced upon you, you say? That's called rape."

"Can't rape the willing. And I didn't say he pounced. He was actually quite gentle... that time. He almost married me once too."

"I can't imagine why he didn't. A nice proper young lady like yourself." Snape quipped sarcastically.

Anya ignored his sarcasm. "He got scared, and maybe it wasn't meant to be. I had lots of plans in my last life. I assure you none of them including my dying young while trying to avert an apocalypse and ending up in this plane of existence sprawled at your feet naked a few months ago."

"So what makes you think any of your plans in this life will fare any better?"

"I don't think... I'm just going with what I want to do, and I think that happens to be you at the moment."

"And if I refuse to agree to your plans?"

"I will just have to persuade you. I grow on people, you know. Xander didn't like me at first either."

"Well, good for Xander." Then he paused. "Who is this Xander again?"

Anya sighed in exasperation. "If you are going to be my boyfriend, you really have to pay more attention when I talk. That's a very important boyfriend quality. Xander was my last boyfriend. He was a very good boyfriend. You have a lot to live up to. I expect many orgasms and lots of presents. You have your work cut out for you."

"I don't believe I do. It takes the consent of two people to enter into a relationship."

"So I haven't been persuasive enough yet?"

"There's more persuasion to be had?" He said trying not to show the alarm he felt at her words. She was already nude. What more could there be?

Her seating her naked self on his lap answered that question.

"Madam, remove yourself this instant."

Her response to his demand was to grab a handful of his hair and kiss him. Now there was only so much a gentleman could take. After rarely even touching others for so long, having someone as soft and lovely and sweet-smelling, and holy hellfire did she ever smell sweet, as Anya sitting on his lap naked and kissing him as if she wanted part of his soul was a bit more than even the stern stuff of Severus Snape could withstand.

He kissed her back.

Severus' hands roamed over the very soft skin of her back. He traced the vertebrae of her spine with his fingers. He allowed her to unbutton his outer robe. Her fingers went after the many buttons of his collar next, all the while her lips still wrestling with his own. Her fingertips worked over his quickening pulse. It was as if they had been smoldering slightly and someone had doused the both of them in gasoline. They were suddenly quite afire.

The brisk knock at the door startled the both of them into reality again.

Anya's eyes were deep and liquid-looking. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen. All Severus had time to do before the intruder entered was toss part of his billowy outer robe over her naked bits. She clung to his shoulder, panting slightly. Her cheek rested against his chest and nuzzled a little, as if she wished to burrow inside of him.

McGonagall's hat and voice entered the room before her actual body did. "Severus, I was wondering if you had seen Anya. She... oh!" The Deputy Headmistress turned seven shades of scarlet before she sputtered. "Excuse me." And with that she pulled the door closed, looking very embarrassed indeed.

Anya started snickering. "Well, that should lay to rest... no pun intended... all those rumors that you're asexual."

Snape glared at her. "Leave me to my grading now please."

Anya sighed and slid off of his lap, touching as much of him as possible. Indecently so.

"There is no need for that. The seduction was a success. I doubt there is a man alive or some dead even, aside from those who fancy other men, who could have resisted you on their lap nude. I simply wish for this to be done. Wait for me in my rooms. The password is venom."

Anya gave him a very knowing smirk before she swiped her dropped robes from the floor. "Don't be long."

He didn't even glance at her and had the most unaffected look upon his face. "After the punishing way you removed yourself from my lap? I think not. Now run along, I can't concentrate with you near."

Even though outwardly he seemed as if he wasn't concerned with her in the least.

"Should I be on the bed?"

"That will do... for a starting point."

She smirked and headed for the door again. She paused but didn't look at him.

"Yes? Something else? More innuendo? More instructions? More questions, perhaps?"

"Does this mean you're my boyfriend?"

He sighed in exasperation. "If I must be."

"Good. You'll enjoy it. Don't worry."

"After fifteen years of living mostly like a monk, I'm sure I will." He muttered, knowing that was not what she had been referring to.


"Nothing. Don't be tiresome, woman, go ready yourself. You seduced beyond reason. Now allow me to complete my work before giving in to your temptations."

"Hopefully there will come a day when work will be second to my waiting for you in your room naked."


"Hey, I have to have some sort of dream."

"As you wish."

"No, what I wish is for you to drop that grading quill NOW, and join me... NOW." To emphasize this she lifted the back of her robes and wiggled her bare rear at him.

He threw his quill violently to the desk. "Confound you, woman!"

Severus stalked after her. Now that she knew she affected him, she had him. Especially since he was curious about sampling her all wares now after the brief taste. He would just have to finish his grading later.

Provided he wasn't too tired.



The End

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