Disclaimer – I don’t own either BtVS or Good Eats. I’m not making any money off this story.
“Now your garden variety vampire is pretty common,” the man said as paced in front of the class of newly called Slayers. “They can be found almost anywhere, from abandoned warehouses, to city sewer systems, to caves. Killing one is pretty straight forward. You can use a good sharp, well balanced ax or sword to chop off their head. You can expose them to sunlight and watch them burst into flames. Or you can go with my personal favorite,” he whipped out sharp wooden stake and his eyes bulged out. “A stake straight through the heart. Gets ‘em every time.”
Buffy and Willow were watching the class from the back.
“Where did we find this guy again?” Buffy asked.
“Georgia, I think,” Willow replied. “Apparently his family had connections to the old Council a couple of centuries ago.”
The new teacher continued to pace in front of the class. “Now, there are few other varieties of vampires out there. They’re not as common and you have to do some searching to find them. The first is what we call a ‘Master’ vampire. Now these vampires tend to be over a century old. I shouldn’t have to tell you that anything that’s lived for over a century is pretty tough. It’s important not to underestimate this type of vampire. They tend to be very skilled and can control the blood lust and berserker attacks that overtake and foul up the more common fledging variety of vampire.”
“What was he doing when we found him?” Buffy asked.
“Something in the food industry,” Willow said. “Actually Andrew found him. Got really excited when he learned this guy had a connection to the Council. Convinced Giles to hire him.”
“When it comes to finishing off one of these ‘Master’ vampires,” the teacher continued. “You can use all the same methods you use on a regular vampire. Just remember, they’re tougher than normal. It’s going to take some additional time and you might need to call in a friend to help. Just stick with it and I guarantee you’ll be rewarded with that wonderful swooshing sound and a nice pile of ash at your feet.”
“I have to admit he’s got Andrew beat hands down in the kitchen,” Buffy said.
“True,” Willow acknowledged.
“There is also the incredibly rare and long believed extinct, Turok-Han,” Buffy could have sworn the lighting dimmed for a second and the teachers voice suddenly got deeper. He turned to the board and pulled down a chart that had a picture of a Turok-Han. “These are meanest, toughest vampires around. Fortunately you’re not likely to come across one these bad-boys in your average sewer. If you do happen to see one, make sure you’ve got plenty of back-up. This is also a good time to check your weapons,” he pulled out a remote control and clicked the button. Three racks descended from the ceiling holding a large variety of weapons.
“When did we install those?” Buffy asked.
“He did it himself,” Willow said. “He’s a big believer in visual aids.”
The teacher plucked a regular stake off one of the racks and held it up class. “Unfortunately stakes don’t work that well on Turok-Han. It’s takes a whole lot of force to hit the heart on one these guys.”
He put the stake back in its place moved the rack containing different swords.
“That means you need to upgrade,” the teacher said with a nod and a smile. “Preferably to something that can take its head clean off. Now, when it comes to swords, I tend think simple is best,” he pulled one of the blades off the rack and began make few practice swings. “You want a well-balanced blade that fits comfortably in your hand. Don’t let somebody in the armory talk you into carrying some fancy sword with jewels all over the handle. They tend to slip out of your hand at worst possible moments. And then you end up as a blood drained corpse on the ground. Believe me, that’s not good Slaying. And don’t carry around some huge oversized sword that can’t be properly concealed. You want a sword that you can carry under a jacket. Also make sure it fits your fighting style.”
“I got to admit, he’s knows his stuff,” Buffy said.
“So you think we’re going to keep this guy around then?” Willow asked.
“I think he’s going to work out,” Buffy replied.
“Then we come to axes,” the teacher put the sword back and moved to the rack holding different types of axes and pulled one down. “Now there is a reason axes were one of the most common weapons used on the medieval battlefield. Aside from the fact that they are far easier to make then swords and therefore cheaper, they’re also great multitaskers. And I love a multitasker. One minute you can be using your ax to spilt firewood for the winter and the next, you can be chopping your way through a of pack demons. Now that’s good Slaying.”
This story was inspired by BrendanM’s crossover story “Algidity Abound”. In chapter 11 – “Disdainful Arrogance” Buffy met W. I had the sudden image of Alton Brown teaching newbie Slayers.
And yes I know, I should be working on my other stuff. Stupid muse, just won’t let me focus.