*The lyrics between \\\\ are from Tourniquet by Evanescence.*
- Part 2 : Alone -
I finally understand Drusilla’s fascination for the stars. They really are beautiful. And when they shine and twinkle, it really looks like they are talking with eachothers, singing a visual song. And the moon is what makes it all works. On a clear night, it’s a real spectacle, stars and moon captivating us, fresh air and wind curling around our bodies, bringing us closer with nature, with mother Earth. Yes, clear nights are my favorite. It’s only then that I am in true symbiose with nature.
Faith and Dawn are downtown. I stay here alone. They don’t want me out. I might scare the city’s vampire master. Might get us kicked out of town. I don’t want to leave. I like it here. St. Louis. Yes, I think I’ll adjust nicely to this town. Full of magic. I like it.
But also dark auras all over the place. I can see them when looking outside. Dark, red, grey, black. The light ones are very much rare. But I feel at ease. After all, my aura is very dark too. Can’t expect it to be all shinny when you’ve killed. Faith’s one looks just like mine, but the darkness started to fade a little. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of my darkness. I’m stuck in the black hole, a pit of madness and I can’t get out. I’m drowning in my own depressing thoughts.
I can feel them moving in town, in the Riverfront, the Blood district, where we live. Vampires. Strange vampires. Powerful ones. I like them better. I like their complexity, their darkened souls. We have so much in common. But they wouldn’t like me. I’m not shinny enough. Too dark, too depressing, too supernatural. That’s just the way I am, as I will always be.
I wonder how they would look at me. Would they shudder in fear? Or would they just stare openly at me with hard concealed curiosity? This thought has been swirling in my mind throughout the evening. I’m powerful, so much it’s scary. But would the master vampire really kick us out of town just because of my past? I long to out and play. I don’t want to look at the stars only from the balcony of our apartment. I want to walk outside, under the moon, in the park. I want to look at the stars from there.
I’m tired of being stuck inside. But it looks like my environnement will be just like my emotions : stuck inside. I can’t go out physically, and I won’t go out emotionally. I can’t. I won’t. If you don’t feel, you can’t hurt. That’s my new philosophy. And if Dawn and Faith don’t like it, well too bad. For all I care, they can just go to hell. I’ve been there once. It’s their turn.
So I stay here, night after night, alone. I stay alone with my dark thoughts, confusing ones. I lay down in my black hole, my pit of madness.
\\\\ I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
And I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost? \\\\
Every night, I hear it. The song is my life. I did try to kill the pain, but only brought more. And now, it’s too late to save me. I’ve spent too much time alone in my dark world.
\\\\ My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ
My suicide \\\\
I admitt that I’ve thought about it, but I’m not like that. I deserve to pay. Ending my pain, delivering my soul would be too easy. But still, my soul cries silently for help, for one soul to help save mine, to pull it out from my pit of madness.