Title: Heart of Gold
Crossover: Star Trek / Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Disclaimer: BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon, h2g2 to Douglas Adams, and Star Trek to Gene Roddenberry.
Summary: Challenge #2 response for Twisting the Hellmouth Short Fic Challenges. Andrew wishes for a space adventure.
Author's notes: There are footnotes in this work. This is an attempt to remain true to the original source material as Adams had a tendency to footnote maniacally.
It is not everyday one finds one’s self on an alien spaceship in the midst of the Crab Nebula. This is even more unlikely when one realises that the crab nebula is largely populated by a cyborgian race that possesses a rather possessive view of entirely organic life. Chiefly, the race wants to assimilate it. All of it.
The reason that one William Wordsworth, Spike to his friends and everyone else who didn’t want to die a painful death, was here was because of Andrew. Andrew was a particularly obsessive type of nerd who had a tendency to cling to ideas like the Flaugrustian Barnacles of Urgth* cling to passing Reayups. In this particular case he decided that he would quite like to go on grand space adventures like Captain Picard, Boris Yeltsin** and Boba Fett. Despite the fact that any sane person knows better than to say the “w-word” out loud, Andrew had vehemently stated his desire and Spike found himself along for the ride. Currently the pair was cornered on the alien ship as gleaming silver cyborgs bore down on them.
“Resistance is futile,” the metallic voices squawked out.
“You know the Borg are way scarier in person than they are in the series. Why couldn’t we get the hot ones, like Seven of Nine?”
“Shut your yap git,” Spike snapped fiddling randomly with the buttons and switches at the end of the hallway. “We need to figure out how to get out of here before the cyber demons over there decided to pull an Adam on us.” In desperation the British Vampire kicked the recondite machinery.
Now according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy one of two things happen when any sort of complicated technology is kicked. In the first case the kicked object breaks irrevocably. This case most often occurs when the technology in question is kicked inadvertently much to the chagrin of the kicker. In the second case the technology gives into the brute force of the user and decides to cooperate. In this case, it cooperated a bit too enthusiastically and Spike and Andrew found themselves jettisoned out the newly opened air lock.
The truth about explosive decompression is that it doesn’t kill you right away. If you have a lungful of air you can survive for thirty seconds before you expire. The truth about the universe is that it is really really big. Thus the odds of someone picking you up during that time are two to the power of two hundred and sixty-seven thousand seven hundred and nine to one against. The odds of the same ship picking up floating hitchhikers twice is two to the power of six billion, three hundred thirty-six million, one hundred ninety-two thousand, five hundred seventy-two to one against. This is, of course, what happens.
At that exact second three things happened. Mrs. Amelia Bumbleton of 603 Cherry Tree Lane got a visit from her fiancé who she had presumed long dead and promptly keeled over from shock. Norious Ficklebrit of the planet Ziand found himself rescued from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal by a spontaneous rain of typewriters. The third event happened to our daring protagonists who found themselves spontaneously transformed into goldfish.
Needless to say, they were both rather concerned about this fact. Fortunately for Spike, he did not remain a fish for very long. This was a good thing as vampires are not normally inclined to take Piscean form. Unfortunately for Spike, he quickly transformed into rather fetching red dress of the kind favoured by up and coming young women in London. Andrew, on the other hand, found himself as a lovely matching hand bag. Around them reality yodelled grapefruits from peculiar wire. Atop the high plateau, an incarnation of human belief began his full frontal assault, and with an angry howl, he suffered an epileptic seizure. Then with all the subtlety of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster it all came to a halt.
“We have normality, I repeat we have normality,” a voice spoke soothingly. “Welcome to the Heart of Gold.”
*According to the Guide: The Flaugrustian Barnacles of Urgth are famed throughout the universe for the adhesive they secrete. When dried it is the hardest substance in the universe after fruitcake.
**It is a little known fact that before Boris Yeltsin was elected president of Russia he led the infamous Space Pirates of Yerg. The pirates were famed for stealing the Great Watermelon Patent from Hyphalon VII.