Title: Not To Justify You
Spoilers: S4 for BTVS, AotC for SW.
Summary: Vengence demons are way too nosy . . .
Notes: Meant to be pure comedy, and something I cannot get out of my head because of the impending release of the third SW film.
Part One: I Did A Bad, Bad Thing
"Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer! Take one down and drink it down . . ."
Willow paused in her singing long enough to do just that. She opened what was her tenth beer of the night and raised it a mock salute to her 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' poster before she drained it. Finished, she threw the can onto her dorm room floor and gave a little burp before she remembered her song.
"Eighty-eight bottles of beer on the wall!" she sang, her tone very off-key and her words slurring slightly, no doubt because of her ten cans of beer. Willow teetered uneasily on her bed, gazing around her room in a drunken haze. Had Buffy been here, she most definitely stopped Willow from getting this drunk. If she hadn't taken the beer away completely, the blonde most likely would have helped Willow with her twelve pack of beverages. However, Buffy was out looking for their soldier buddies while Giles tried to research and glower at Spike at the same time. Xander was also not here to help her with her beer. He was off having orgasms with Anya.
Both of her friends had been here before, and both had been doing their best to get her mind off of the very thing that had driven her to engage in this drinking binge. Xander had even brought over all his Star Wars crap and tried to get her excited about the release of the second movie. Willow snorted at the thought. She didn't even like those movies, and there was no way she was going to be dragged to the prequels. She told Xander as much when the first one came out just a few years ago, but that didn't stop him from trying. His efforts were in vain and all the Star Wars stuff he had brought over was strewn all over her dorm floor, mixed amongst her empty beer cans.
Oz. Her boyfriend, sorry ex-boyfriend now, was gone for good. And he hadn't felt the need to tell her that he was going to be gone for good. And that sucked the big one. Willow had thought she had been doing so much better in the past weeks since his departure, but to find out from Devon that Oz had sent for his things sent her spiralling back down into a self-made dungeon of gloom and doom. Well, that's what Buffy had said, when she thought that Willow wasn't listening. Xander had agreed, again because he thought Willow wasn't listening. Apparently her friends that her pity-party was getting a bit too much for them. And that's why Willow was here drinking alone.
Abandoned twice, once by Oz and then by Buffy and Xander, Willow was not up to being sober right now. Which reminded her, she had two cans of beer left, and she should really finish them off. It wasn't in her nature to be wasteful, and since no one else was here to enjoy her beer with her, that meant it was up to Willow to see that all this beer was not wasted. No matter how wasted it made her.
The redhead sniffled and bent over the side of her bed to grab another can of beer. It was not the smartest move she had ever made, considering how drunk she was. The world spun and Willow immediately lost any sense of balance she had. She tumbled to the floor, knocking over the box containing her two remaining beer and sending the cans skittering across her floor. She groaned and rolled onto her stomach and tried to focus on where her beer went. She spotted one by the computer and tried to crawl her way over to it. However, on the way there she encountered several of her empty beer cans and quickly lost her balance again. Slamming into the floor for the second time that night, Willow finally opted to give up. She lay there, the left side of her face pressed against her floor. Unshed tears swam in her eyes and soon came tumbling down her cheeks.
She was pathetic. Utterly, totally, and completely pathetic. Even her friends couldn't be bothered with her right now. She had hit rock bottom that was for sure. Her boyfriend was gone, her friends were avoiding her, and now, pardon the corny line, she had fallen and she couldn't get up. Willow scrunched up her face and a few sobs escaped her lips. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. Oz was gone. Just up and gone, and he wasn't coming back. Why wasn't he coming back? Was she that bad a girlfriend? Or was it just because of the wolf thing? Maybe he found another, less psychotic, she-wolf to hook up with?
Willow cried wholeheartedly at that thought. Her situation sucked so bad. Oz left her, her friends couldn't be around her, and now she was drunk and laid out on her dorm floor. Buffy was going to come home from patrol and find Willow laying on the floor, empty beer cans and stupid Star Wars crap all around her.
Willow shifted her head slightly, looking at her door. She could see shadows moving along the bottom crack of the door, knowing that Friday night carried on normally for all her housemates. She felt very unhappy about that. Why was her life so miserable and everyone else's all rainbows and sunshine? It wasn't fair, not in the least. All these people running around like they didn't have a care in the world. And look, two of those happy people had stopped in front of her door and were having some sort of quiet argument. Willow wished they would take their conversation elsewhere. She didn't want anyone to be within ten feet of her for the rest of the night.
She stopped moving and her head lay flat on floor again. She noticed one of Xander's poster thingys laying close to her. Natalie Portman, dressed all in blue and looking ever so beautiful, looked back at her. Willow frowned and tried to remember who Natalie played in the movies. She couldn't find an answer, and then two things occurred to her: one, she didn't really care; and two, the character's name was written on the bottom corner of the poster.
Senator Padme Amidala. Well would you look at that. Natalie Portman was a Senator. Good for her, being a Senator and all. That must mean she had all this power and stuff. She was probably also well respected. Natalie had it made. As a Senator, she could probably make people listen to her pity-parties. Of course, she didn't think that Natalie would ever be in the same position she was in. After all, she was gorgeous. No one in their right mind would leave Natalie Portman because not only was she a Senator, but also because of her looks. Beauty and power, who wouldn't love that in a woman?
"Oz wouldn't have left me if I was you," Willow muttered to the poster, wincing when the argument outside her door grew louder. "Of course, if I was you, I probably wouldn't have ever met Oz. And actually, that probably isn't half bad. Not meeting Oz means that I would never had had to feel this bad. Man, must be good to be you. I wish our roles were reversed and I could be the Senator. It'd be a lot better than the crappy life I have right now."
Natalie, of course, had nothing to say. Willow frowned at the picture, thinking that it was rather rude for her to say nothing when Willow was trying to pour her heart out to her. She knew that it was just a poster, but she figured that in her state, she should have at least had some sort of drunken hallucination in which Natalie would talk back to her. But no such luck. Natalie remained a poster and Willow was still stuck on her floor. But at least the people outside her door had finally given up and gone away. Well one of them had gone away. Willow looked back at her door and still saw one shadow through the crack. The person said something pretty loud, that Willow couldn't quite care about, and left.
Well good riddance. Willow let her head fall back to the floor and she closed her eyes. She felt very tried all of a sudden. Maybe a nap would help her feel better.
She awoke feeling as if something very strange had happened. The bed she was sleeping in was comfortable, but did not feel the same as the one on which she had gone to sleep on. Also, she felt wretched for some reason. Her stomach hurt and her head ached, and she wondered if she had gotten sick sometime during the night had been taken somewhere else for treatment.
"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!"
She started at the sound of the perky voice in her ear. Her eyes shot open and she looked around her in alarm. She had never seen such strange surroundings before. She was in a small room that was cluttered with desks, dressers, strange machines, and a large amount of clothing and garbage strewn all over the floor. There were two very small beds, one of which she was currently sitting on, and a very happy blonde girl standing next to her.
"I know that look," the blonde said with a sympathetic smile. "And that's why I came prepared. Two aspirins and a glass of water for milady."
She looked at the blonde girl suspiciously as two pills and a glass of water was held out to her. She made no move to take either, causing the blonde girl to sigh.
"Listen, if you want the headache to go away, you're going to have to take the medicine," the blonde ordered her. "Now, hurry up and down the hatch. Xander is coming to take us to breakfast, and having some food in your belly will make you feel loads better."
She had no idea what the blonde was talking about, or who this 'Xander' person was. But she did want her headache to go away, and the thought of food was appealing. So she took the pills offered to her and swallowed them, the glass of water following them. The blonde girl nodded in approval and took her glass when she was finished.
"Anyway, since he's bound to get here soon, you might want to get ready," the blonde continued to say. "So just get up and head to the bathroom, I'll take care of this mess. Of course, we're out of garbage bags so I'm going to have to beg one of someone."
She frowned, not quite following what was going on. Where was she? And who was this strange girl? Where were her guards? Her confusion must have been apparent, because the blonde girl gave her another reassuring smile as she came to sit on the end of her bed.
"I know it's hard, especially now that Oz . . . did what he did," the blonde told her. "But you can't stay here and mope forever. And you certainly can't have a binge like you did last night again, either. Seriously, it freaked me out to come home and find you passed out on the floor. For a second there I thought someone had gotten in and attacked you or something, but then I noticed all the beer cans . . . Look, I'm sorry that I had to bail on you last night, but I'm here now. And I am going to be the bestest best friend that I can be. Xander too, so you have to get up and get dressed. 'Kay, Padme?"
The blonde girl knew her name! Padme Amidala stared at the strange blonde girl and could not think of what to say, so she just nodded. The blonde smiled even wider than before and hopped off the bed with an exuberant leap.
"Great! I'll go find a garbage bag and you go get ready. We're going to have so much fun today, I promise!"
And with that, the blonde bounced out of the room. Padme watched her go, feeling somewhat numb. Looking around at her strange surroundings, she felt fear starting to rumble in her stomach. She cautiously made her way out of the bed and made to inspect her surroundings more closely. She tiptoed around the mess on the floor and made it to the desk that was on her side of the room. The desk was cluttered with books written in some strange language she had never seen before, along with a small cage that contained a sleeping, furry little creature. There were also pictures on that desk, and one in particular caught her eye. She grabbed it and brought it closer to her face, staring incredulously at the image. There were three people in that picture. One was the blonde, looking slightly younger than she did now. Another was a dark-haired boy with a large, goofy smile on his face. And the last person was a younger version of Padme herself.
The Senator of Naboo replaced the picture on the desk and sank back down onto her bed in shock.
"How very odd."
When Willow woke up next, she was surprised to find herself in a bed and not on the floor. Thinking that perhaps Buffy had moved her to her bed when she got back to the room, Willow turned onto her side and opened her eyes, thinking that she would see Buffy asleep on her own bed.
But she didn't. All she was more of the bed she was laying in and a door. A very strange looking door located in a room that Willow had never seen before in her life.
The redhead shot out of bed and looked around her in fear. Green eyes darted all over the room, taking in the foreign objects and decor, along with the window up in the corner. Willow nervously licked her lips and walked towards that window, hoping to get a glimpse of what was outside. It was then that she noticed that she was wearing some weird sort of nightgown and not the flannel pyjamas she had been wearing when she embarked on her drinking binge. And speaking of which, why wasn't she hung over?
She had nearly made it to the window when she heard a strange whooshing noise from behind her. Willow yelped and turned around quickly, seeing that the strange door had been opened and that there was some brunette girl wandered into the room.
"Good morning, Senator," the girl greeted her.
Huh? Willow frowned at the girl, wondering if she had heard her right. Did she just say 'Senator'? What was that about?
"Have you given any thought to what you would like for breakfast today, Senator?" the girl asked her.
Willow blinked and knew she would have to say something at this point. "Um, whatever I had yesterday would be fine," the redhead replied lamely.
"Very well, Senator" the girl agreed with a smile before indicating a pile of clothes hanging by what appeared to be a closet. "The clothes you requested for today. I will go see to your breakfast while you wash."
"Um, okay," Willow said weakly. The girl smiled at her and made her way to the still open door. She walked through it and with another whooshing noise, the door slid close. Willow blinked and shook her head. "Okay, way too weird."
She looked back up at the window. Glancing around her, she saw a small chair next to a desk. She grabbed the chair and moved it so it was under the window. She scrambled onto the chair and finally got a good look outside. What she saw out there nearly made her scream.
Willow practically jumped off the chair and back onto her bed. Her mind was racing with fear and confusion, not sure that she had seen what she had seen. Was there really spaceships outside her window? Had she seen them just floating there, or was this a dream? She looked down at her bare left arm and reached over with her right hand to viciously pinch it.
Ow! Okay, not dreaming. That meant what? If the Hellmouth was involved, it could mean anything. She could rule out her own magic, because she didn't do any spells last night. All she did was get wasted last night, so that meant someone or something else was responsible. It could mean that she had been sent into some weird alternate reality. Or maybe someone had knocked her into some sort of waking hallucination. Maybe she hadn't seen what she had seen, and was wandering around her dormitory acting like a complete lunatic. Yeah, that sounded better. All she needed to do was find Buffy, or someone who should be Buffy, and get to the bottom of this.
The door whooshed again and Willow snapped her head towards the door to find the same girl entering. The girl noticed the look on her face and came forward slowly.
"Senator Rosenburg?" she asked cautiously.
Willow nearly laughed. Senator Rosenburg, this was a doozy of a hallucination. The girl was looking very alarmed and Willow forced a smile on her face. "Yes?" she asked.
"Are you well?"
The girl looked unconvinced but let it slide. "Very well," she nodded. "I have received word that Master Kenobi is on his way to see you."
Master Kenobi? As in Obi Wan? Willow felt her blood run cold. Something was swimming around in the back of her head. Something about a Star Wars poster and Natalie Portman. Willow squeezed her eyes shut and hoped to God it wasn't true. Please do not let this be the Star Wars universe.
"Hmm?" Willow blinked and looked at the worried girl. Obviously her prayers were not going to be answered. Here she was, a Senator for what she did not know, with Obi Wan Kenobi on his way to see her. Where was Xander when she needed him?
"Senator?" the girl was sounding very concerned by now.
Willow shook her head and forced another smile. "Of course, Master Kenobi. How good it will be to see him again. I'm going to wash and get ready. Can you tell me when he arrives?"
The girl nodded and left, but not before shooting her another look. Willow waited until the door went whoosh again before falling back onto her bed. She remembered the previous night, laying on the floor and looking at the Natalie Portman poster. She had said something very stupid that night, something that she hadn't given thought to in her drunken haze. Had she learned nothing from Anya? How could she have been so stupid to say the W-word?
Willow groaned and turned to bury her head into her pillow.
"I did a bad, bad thing."