Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Xander Mercenary

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Xander dresses as a sci-fi mercenary from a web comic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Comics > Schlock Mercenary
Stargate > Xander-Centered
kevinmFR1557,648674091,45026 May 0526 May 05Yes


"So," Petey asked as Tagon finally caught up with
Willow. "Now do you understand what's going

"Considering you actually used words of two
syllables or less," Tagon replied, "I think I got it.
So what happens when this 'spell' wears off?"

"I think I get sent back to our home dimension
and you leave that kid's body." Petey told him,
"But there is a small possibility that we both
might get stuck here."

"WHAT!?" Both Willow and Tagon shouted at
the same time.

"It's only a small possibility." Petey replied. "I
don't know for certain what will happen."

"Buffy!" Willow's attention was diverted by the
sight of her friend being menaced by a large furry

"Let me handle this." Tagon aimed the BH-209 at
the 'demon' and prepared to fire.

"NO!" Willow tried to grab his arm and was
almost as shocked as Tagon when her arm passed
harmlessly through his.

"Whoa, so you're a hologram?" Tagon asked.

"No, I dressed as a ghost." Willow told him.

"A ghost!?" Petey almost cut off his link, then he
remembered what Janus downloaded about the
spell. “You're not a real ghost then?"

"Oh," Tagon wondered what kind of ghost she
could possibly be dressed as. Turning back to
'Buffy', he realized that the alien was now
advancing on him instead. "Okay, Jungleball

"NO!" Willow didn't know what 'Jungleball
rules' meant but it didn't sound good. "That
might be a kid that was turned into their costume.

"Hmm," Petey had been devoting a part of his
attention to the knowledge dumped into his
memory core by the 'God' Janus. A thorough
analysis dictated several decisions and
conclusions on his part. Only one of which he
shared with his Captain. "Sir, I believe my
sensors are capable of distinguishing an altered
human from a true demon."

"Well... Which is this." Tagon said as he backed

"Human." Petey said without hesitation.

"Darn," Tagon dialed down the power on the
Plasma gun and fired a level one blast at the
ground in front of the demon. Even at level one,
the power of the blast sent a gout of flame
shooting into the air, sending the 'demon' running
in fear.

"I am really starting to see what Schlock likes
about this gun." Tagon grinned. "Okay, first we
need a place to regroup, then we need to find out
who caused this."

Scanning the area, Petey informed them,
"Actually first we need to catch your friend, she's
making good time considering the volume of the
dress she's wearing."

"Of for the love of..." Tagon didn't finish the
sentence as he ran to catch up with the fleeing

"Miss?" Petey said as they started to follow
Tagon, "I suggest you find your friend, a Mr.
Rupert Giles. Tell him that Ethan Rayne is
behind this."

"Ethan?" Willow easily made the connection
between the shop where she got her costume and
the person responsible. "That... that..."

"Walking dead man?" Petey suggested, "Because,
if Captain Tagon finds him, Ethan Rayne is going
find out what a BH-209 at setting ten feels like."

"How do you know all this anyway?" Willow

"Oh," Petey smiled, "It seems that the god that the
W.D.M. invoked actually felt the drain from the
spell. It decided to take a look see and found me
sitting in space just past Jupiter. Then he did a
'spell' to dump data straight into my memory

"What? Why?" Willow frowned, "I mean if the
invocation worked, wouldn't the god be pleased
about the outcome?"

"Oh he was," Petey told her. "But there is one
other thing that Ethan Rayne didn't think about.
Chaos never plays favorites."

"Oh." Willow nodded, still not quite getting it.
"I'll go find Giles."

"You do that." Petey again devoted most of 'his'
attention to analyzing the data he received from

As Petey caught up with Tagon, he asked. "Sir,
why are you risking your neck for this girl?
Nobody's paying you do this."

"I know," Tagon frowned, "For some reason
though, I really feel protective towards her."


"Hello, pretty." Pirate Larry cornered Buffy in the
alleyway as she tried to run past.

"Please..." Lady Elizabeth tried to pull away from
the 'Pirate's' grip.

"The lady asked you nicely." It wasn't the voice
that froze Larry in his tracks, it was the
unmistakable feel of a barrel against the back of
his neck that did that. "Now, my way of asking
you to leave her alone, involves a loud noise and
you whimpering and begging me to stop the pain.
Which do you chose?"

Larry let Lady Elizabeth go and dropped his
cutlass, waiting for the hero behind him to drop
his guard. And as the barrel was removed from
the back of his head, he moved. Spinning in
place, he pulled a pistol from his belt and fired.

Tagon didn't even blink as the primitive black
powder weapon discharged right into his stomach.
The lead ball spattered harmlessly against the
carbonan fullerene armor Tagon was wearing.
The Merc Captain smiled, "Okay, so we do it my
way then?"

"Captain," Petey interrupted, "I think you should

"He's been altered by the spell." Tagon nodded,
"I already know that, Petey. I'm not completely

"Sorry." Petey actually sounded contrite.

"Don't worry about it," Tagon replied, he
holstered the plasma gun and threw a relatively
hard punch to the Pirate's face. The impact spun
the pirate 180 degrees and dropped him on his

"That felt strangely satisfying."

"Now," Tagon turned to terrified Noblewoman.
"Ma'am, I really suggest you come with me. It'll
be safer."

"I... I..."

"Well, this is fun." A voice from the end of the
alley interrupted them.

Tagon turned to see a bleach blond male
approaching flanked by some of the ugliest
'demons' he'd seen that night.

"You know," the blond grinned, "I was just out
for some smokes when all this 'fun' happened.
And now what do I see? The Slayer acting all
girly and helpless. Even if her nancy boy sidekick
has gotten all manly. This is just too good to be

"Petey?" Tagon asked quietly.

"No humans in this bunch, sir." Petey responded
from behind him.

"The name is Spike." The blond informed Tagon.
"Not Petey, like you bloody well didn't already
know that, Harris."

"The name is Captain Kaff Tagon." Tagon
informed Spike, "Not Harris. And I think I'm
going to have to hurt you now."

"Oh?" Spike stepped forward, "You think you can
take me then?"

"Just out of curiosity," Tagon asked as he closed
with Spike, "Do you know what Carbonan
Fullerene Powered Armor is?"

"What's that?" Spike asked.

"Let me demonstrate." Tagon activated his
armor's helmet, then threw a hard punch. The
kinesthetic boost the armor provided delivered a
blow that literally knocked Spike head over heels.
Sending the clueless vampire backwards out of
the alley.

Tagon went for the Plasma gun as the other
monsters rushed in. Unfortunately for the lead
demon, Tagon managed to get the gun up and
firing just as it reached the mercenary captain.
Fortunately for the remaining demons behind it,
the Plasma gun was still set on setting one and
didn't do much more than burn the lead demon to
a crisp.

As the first demon burned the others closed
quickly on Tagon and one managed to knock the
Plasma gun from his hand. The two biggest
grabbed Tagon as the others clawed and
pummeled at him. As none of the creatures could
apparently penetrate his armor and none of them
were smart enough to grab his Plasma gun, Tagon
simply waited for the right moment to act.

"That's enough!" Spike shouted as he staggered
back into the alley. "I'm going to rip your head
off and drink straight out of the stump for that
one, boy."

Tagon tested the strength of the two demon's
holding him, then grinned under his helmet. "Last
time I asked you a question it didn't work out to
well for you. Ready for another question?"

"You have got to be kidding me." Spike sneered.
"What can you possibly do against two Fyarl

"Do you know what a 'Dorothy System' is?"

"No, what the bloody hell is a 'Dorothy

"I'll show you." Tagon snapped his heels
together, then kicked his feet to either side of

Spike saw Tagon bring his legs up and dropped to
his knees to avoid the kick to face he was
expecting. Luckily for the world, Tagon hadn't
been aiming at Spike's head, so the Molecular
wire held between his two boots went right
through Spike's neck as though it wasn't even

Even as Spike turned to dust, Tagon had his feet
back on the ground, the 'Dorothy System'
deactivated and both Fyarl's in air. With quick
throw, he sent the two demons into the crowd of
monsters still in shock over Spike's sudden

"Captain?" Petey asked from behind him. "I've
been meaning to ask.


"Why were you using Sgt. Schlock's gun, when
yours is holstered across your back?"

"Son of a..." Tagon did quick reach behind draw
and pulled his Strohl g/g pistol. His first volley
dropped the front demons in their tracks and
caused the remainder to freeze. "Okay, now
here's the deal. Starting running, or I'm going to
feed all of you a nice order of blam!"

As Tagon blew the head off of another demon, the
remaining creatures decided to be somewhere
else. Almost as one, they turned and ran out of
the alley.

"Thank you, sir." Lady Elizabeth said as Tagon
helped her to her feet.

"Now..." Tagon's voice faded out as a wave of
dizziness passed through him. When the
dizziness passed, Xander Harris looked around in
confusion. "Whoa!"

"I'll see your whoa." Buffy said as she took off
her wig, "And I'll raise you an 'Oh my god that
went beyond weird'!"

"Yeah," Xander nodded. He looked at the now
plastic toy gun in his hand and said, "I really think
we'd better call it a night."

"Oh yeah," Buffy nodded and lead the way back
to her house.

End part 2
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking