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Xander Mercenary

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Summary: Xander dresses as a sci-fi mercenary from a web comic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Comics > Schlock Mercenary
Stargate > Xander-Centered
kevinmFR1557,648674091,45626 May 0526 May 05Yes


Thanks to M. Knight and Ed Beccera for some
Suggestion for this chapter

Xander Mercenary-Epilogue

Summer-post graduation

Xander smiled as Willow and Oz took the light
transport back to Earth. Everyone wanted to really
meet Petey, from Miss Calander to Buffy's Mom,
even Giles decided that he would like to meet the
A.I. in person. The only problem was that no one,
not even Xander himself still felt comfortable using
the Teraport device on its own. So he had Petey
build a small light transport that they could ride in
while the teraport did its thing. Surprisingly
enough, having a solid set of walls around you
while being quantumly broken into millions of pieces
actually did make the transit easier.

"Jonathan and Andrew are ready to teraport in, Sir."
Petey informed him.

"Beam them abroad, Scotty." Xander grinned.

Petey rolled his holographic eyes at Xander's joke.
He did have to admit that Xander Harris wasn't as
thick as he acted. Having a Captain that actually
listened as he explained things was refreshing,
having one that got what he said most of the time
was extraordinary.

"Oh this is soo cool!" Jonathan said as he examined
the hangar controls.

"This is way cooler than any of the 'Enterprises',"
Andrew looked like a kid in a candy store. "Puts
the Millennium Falcon to shame too."

"Nothings cooler than Solo's ship!" Jonathan

"Guys!" Xander broke up the impending argument.
"Why don't you check out the rest of the ship? I've
got some stuff to do."

"Sure," the duo darted for the door as fast as they

Xander sighed, they'd recruited both Andrew and
Jonathan as part of the cover for XWB
Technologies. The duo turned out to actually have
a few really good ideas about the tech XWB was
putting out on the Market. That coupled with the
reputations both Willow and Oz already had led to
several buyout offers from very large corporations.
Giles, acting as the Titular head of the Company,
informed one and all that the company was a private
concern and would remain so, but that they were
willing to offer exclusive long-term licenses on
their designs. The resulting bid stampede almost
and corporate infighting nearly overwhelmed him.

The more Xander the thought about the duo loose
on his ship, the more nervous he became. "Petey, I
want you to deny those to access to the weapons
bay, the armory and especially fire control."

"I'm way ahead of you, Sir." Petey nodded, "I've
already locked those areas down. I also took the
liberty of locking down Sgt. Schlock's room and
Munitions Commander Andreyasn's lab."

"You rebuilt." Xander gaped in shock. "Petey,
please tell me everything in there is stable."

"Define stable." Petey replied.

"As in, not going to blow a significant part of the
ship up in the near future."

"Oh," Petey smiled, "Of course. Everything is

"Why does that not reassure?" Xander asked.
"Okay, Petey. I want you to encrypt the locks on
those door so only I can access them and then put a
really big 'Danger' sign on the front."

"I'm on it, Sir." Petey nodded, "Did you want to
continue your training in shipboard functions?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "I'll see you on the

Xander went through the tutorial Petey'd setup for
reading the various instruments on the ship. While,
technically anything that could actually disable
Petey would probably cripple the ship, Xander still
wanted to know how to at least give the ship chance
to run. Now all he had to do was figure out what
the hell all the buttons did.

"Sir," Petey's voice interrupted his reverie. "I think
you need to see this."

"What is it?" Xander leaned forward to stare at the
screen in front of him.

"As I told you before," Petey explained, "I've been
monitoring Earth's communication, including the
super-encrypted Military ones. That is a Ha'tak
class cruiser."

"Petey," Xander's eyes widened, "I count at least 15
of them."

"Yes sir." Petey nodded, "I believe this a pre-
emptive strike by a race called the Goauld against

"We can take them, right?"


"Petey..." Xander waited.

"I don't actually know." Petey admitted. "I'd have
to go to active scans to determine their abilities."

"That would tip them off to where are." Xander
thought about it, weighing the options. Knowing
that if they didn't stop the Goauld, Earth was in for
a world of hurt. "Okay, warn Jonathon and
Andrew that there might be trouble then, light 'em
up, Petey."

"Yes, sir."


Stargate Command.

"Is there anything we can do?" Colonel Jack
O'Neill asked as fleet appeared on the monitor in
front of him.

"Unfortunately, no." Jacob Carter told him, "The
Tokra can't match the sheer number of ships that
are on their way. A few volunteer ships are coming
in to try to slow them down though."

"Thor?" General Hammond asked the Asgard
Supreme Commander, "Can't your people do

"Unfortunately, General Hammond." The Asgard
looked contrite, "The Asgard cannot muster
sufficient forces to drive *this* fleet away, soon
enough. I have sent for as many ships as possible to
intercept the Goauld before they pass the orbit of
your fourth world."

"But," Thor looked around at SG-1, "I believe the
term O'Neill would use is, 'we are still screwed'."

"That's about right." O'Neill nodded. "So what can
we do?"

"We can try to evacuate as many people as possible
through to other worlds." Daniel suggested, "Or..."

"What about using the Prometheus and the F-302s
to back up the Tokra and the Asgard?" Samantha
Carter asked.

"Even that wouldn't be enough." Selmac took over
to provide the answer, then Jacob finished. "All we
can do is, try to hold the line for a while. Buy us
some time."

"Contact the rest of the Governments in on Stargate
program and prepare for the worst." General
Hammond agreed. "Maybe, if we can hold them
long enough?"

Thor nodded, "If you can hold them long enough,
General Hammond. I can muster enough forces to
drive them off. It would be the least we can do for

"Thank..." O'Neill's reply was cut off by a message
from the Tokra spyship trailing the Goauld.

"Selmac." The Tokra piloting the ship said, "You
need to hear this."

"Attention, Goauld Ha'tak Cruisers. This is
Captain Harris of the Tausennigan Thunderhead
Superfortress 'Post Dated Check Loan'. From
the size of your fleet and the course you are
currently on, I must assume you have hostile
intentions towards the Earth. You will change
course immediately or suffer the consequences."

"The Post dated WHAT!? Who the hell is that?"
Jack O'Neill's eyes widened. "And who the
hell are the Tausennigans?"

"I am not sure," Teal'c replied, "I certainly have
never heard of a Thunderhead Superfortress or a race
known as the Tausennigans."

"Nor have I," Thor agreed. "I *am* curious about the
name of the ship as well."


A little earlier.

"I have determined the full capacity of Cruisers
approaching Earth." Petey reported. "They're no
match for me. Also, I believe there is another
vessel shadowing the fleet in stealth mode."

"Interesting," Xander smiled, "one question."

"Yes sir?"

"How many high yield Terapedos do we have?"

"We nearly 300 terapedos currently stockpiled."
Petey grinned, "More than enough."

"Okay," Xander's grin turned wicked, "Open me a
channel to them."


"Attention, Goauld Ha'tak Cruisers. This is
Captain Harris of the Tausennigan Thunderhead
Superfortress 'Post Dated Check Loan'. From
the size of your fleet and the course you are
currently on, I must assume you have hostile
intentions towards the Earth. You will change
course immediately or suffer the consequences."


Onboard the lead cruiser, the Goauld known as
Anubis was livid. "Where is that signal coming

"Directly ahead, My Lord." The Jaffa reported, "We
cannot get a clear lock on the signal though."

"Arm all weapons, and prepare to fire." The false
god told his men.


"They are not changing course, Captain." Petey

"Of course not." Xander shook his head, "They
never do. The least the villains could do is read the
'Evil Overlord's Handbook'."

"Ohh," Petey clapped his holographic hands
together. "I love that file!"

"Okay, Petey." Xander leaned back to enjoy the
fireworks. "Let them have it."

"Oh," Xander elaborated, "If you can target the
C&C vessel, use one of the special Terapedoes and
leave the cloaked ship alone. Something like this
needs a witness or two."

"Of course, Captain." Petey acknowledged.


Onboard Anubis' cruiser, a Jaffa stiffened and
said. "My Lord, I believe I have detected the enemy

"Where!?" Anubis growled.

Any reply the Jaffa made was lost as an odd missile
shaped object appeared in front of Anubis.

"Hi there! I am a 25 gigaton Terapedo and I assume that
this is the language you would prefer me to use as I
count down. 3... 2... 1..."


At Stargate Command, everyone in the room looked
on in shock as the entire Goauld fleet simply
vanished in a fiery hellstorm.

"Okay," Jack O'Neill was the first to regain his
voice. "What the *hell* just happened?"

End epilogue.

The End

You have reached the end of "Xander Mercenary". This story is complete.

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