The King Lives… erm.. Unlives!
Summary: The King lives! Well, erm, unlives…
Another Quibbler special interest story, courtesy of Luna and Rita. X-over with the Southern Vampire series.
Disclaimer: Everything (and everyone) from the HP verse belongs to JKR, Buffy (and Tara) belong to Joss Whedon, and everything from SVS belongs to Charlaine Harris.
A/N: A (very) late follow-up chapter to "Werewolves of London". I’d like to place all the blame for this plot bunny on Dulcinea, who’s been dying (well, not literally) for a Bubba story – Happy Birthday to the bestest big sis anyone could wish for!
Again, Luna (and Rita) are playing incredibly
fast and loose with the exact details (you came blame Rita’s quick quotes pen)(oh, and one tiny fib from Sookie, but that’s excusable). Enjoy! If you’re interested, this may be the start of a series called "Sheer Luna-cy." Maybe. ~~~~~~~~~~
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The King Lives… erm.. Unlives!
A Quibbler A.M.
By Luna Lovegood-Weasley, Editor-At-Large (trust us, when we say "large", we mean LARGE – congratulations to Mrs. Lovegood-Weasley and her husband on their sixth pregnancy!
) and Rita Snape, Roaming Correspondent (currently stationed in LA – Louisiana, that is!)
Shocking news today out of the rural America… The King lives! Well, erm, unlives… you see, The King is now a blood-sucking creature of the night! That’s right, he’s a… duh-de-duh!… vampire. Not only is he now our favorite crooning monster, he’s the King of Vampires! The self-titled "King of Mississippi", the once-and-future ballad king has assumed the name of "Bubba" and viciously kills any and all that remind him of his days as a singing superstar and mediocre movie star! Furthermore, he’s building an army of vampiric rodentia to aid him in his quest to take over the world!
Where did we learn this shocking information? From no other than the Queen of Vampire Slayers, Buffy Summers! A dear friend of the much beloved Tara Lupin (and the basis of the book Slayers Among Us - you can still purchase the Quibbler review if you so desire – only $5 for our new subscribers! Act fast on this incredible deal!
), Ms. Summers was gracious enough to grant me an exclusive interview. An avid follow of the Quibbler
, Ms. Summers is well familiarized with our purpose of bring enlightenment to our readers. However, even Ms. Summers was hesitant to provide proof of his existence, fearing the reprisal of the gruesome King. Once confronted with photographic proof (See page 12! Thanks to Colin Creevey for the fantabulous photographs!
), Ms. Summers broke down and confessed. What follows is a verbatim recounting of our conversation:
Rita Snape (RS): "Proof positive! Just look at that photo – admit it, he unlives!"
Buffy Summers (BS… erm, on second thought, she’d just be B): "Who’s ‘he’? Anyway, you can’t photograph vampires. It’s in the rules."
RS: "You can when they’re the King of the Mississippi!"
B: "Mississippi – the river or the state?"
RS: "The territory of Mississippi."
B: "Lady, Mississippi is either a state or a river, but so not a territory."
RS: "So you're denying the existence of the underworld Mississippi Kiss?"
B (sotto voce): "I'll have to ask Willow about that. It just sounds kinky."
RS: "How long have you known that The King has taken over the American South with an army of ghoulish squirrels?"
B: "What are you talking about?"
RS: "The King!"
B: "Ok, crazy lady." (Conversation abruptly ended when Ms. Summers fled, fearing to say any more)
Furthermore, we have a second independent source of information – The King’s girlfriend! Sookie Stackhouse, a blonde bombshell of a cocktail waitress, was more than happy to answer all our questions!
RS: "Good evening, Miss Stackhouse. Let’s get to business. How long has he been planning his hostile takeover?"
SS: "Who’s been planning the what? Call me Sookie, by the way."
RS: "The King! And his squirrels!"
SS: "Now, Ms. Snape, he prefers being called Bubba. And I don’t see how he’s any of your business, him or the poor squirrels."
RS: "Since you don’t want to talk about "Bubba" then, let’s talk about you. Are you excited about becoming the Queen?"
SS: "The Queen of what? I’m too old to be the prom queen now, but if you’re talking about the Crayfish Queen, then… you aren’t talking about being a pageant queen, are you?"
RS: "The Queen of Mississippi."
SS: "But Mississippi has a gay king. Do you know what you’re talking about?"
RS: "That is shocking! There you have it – The King is the gay Mississippi King!"
SS: "I didn’t say that."
RS: "Of course, you did dear."
SS: "No, I didn’t. Listen to me clearly – The King is dead. There’s a vampire named Bubba that.. um.. that does a good impersonation, yeah, that’s it. An impersonator, that’s what Bubba is. The King of Mississippi, who for the record is not Bubba, is gay. I’m not dating either of them."
RS: "Dear, really, the quick quotes pen I’m using never lies."
SS: "Ok then. This conversation is over. Sam, get this woman out of here!"
There you have it! Lock up your sons and hide your squirrels! The eternally undead King is coming!