Title: Slayers In Spa-aace!
Disclaimer: Not mine, not a one.
Pairing: D/C (I couldn’t make myself write Daniel/Dawn, okay? It was just wrong.)
Synopsis: The Scoobies go inter-galactic. Ba’al goes postal.
A/N: This is a sequel to ‘It’s Raining Men…And One Woman’ http://www.tthfanfic.org/story.php?no=3864 and ‘When The Going Gets Tough…The Tough Send A Witch’. http://www.tthfanfic.org/story.php?no=4296 Apparently there is more fun to be had with the SGC and the Scoobs. Needless to say the Goa’uld aren’t having quite so much fun.
A/N2: ‘Freakazoid High’ and its prequels are off-line for some re-editing and some plot hole mending – it IS coming back and has not been removed permanently. Promise.
Dedication: To Mel and Erin – some people have no sense of humor when it comes to being hooked by new fandoms!
Ba’al was not having a good day. In fact, Ba’al was having a very, very bad day and he had no clue as to why. It had started off so well. He had arisen from his sarcophagus in a well rested state and had enjoyed himself thoroughly at breakfast being mean and unfeeling towards the new trembling slave girl he’d picked up on the last planet he’d conquered and then he had swept onto the bridge of his mothership to watch his feared and undefeated warriors descend on yet another planet and annihilate all the natives that resisted and that’s where things started to go wrong.
The first hour of the invasion went swimmingly by all accounts and it was only when his warriors started to advance on the prime city on the planet that things became unsettled. At first Ba’al had just assumed that the natives were a little more feisty than usual when the first reports had come in that his forces were meeting with resistance and then there had come a voice over his communications systems that had not only alerted him to the first sign of trouble but *really* put his teeth on edge…
“Oi, bollock-breath, get your fat, lazy, snaky arse down ‘ere and fight your own bleedin’ battles.” The voice that had suddenly cut in over the rather breathless report of Ba’al’s First Prime had the entire bridge starting in surprise and staring at the comms station. “I’ve just cut the ‘ead off your main man and I’m jonesing for a piece of false god arse. Come and ‘ave a go if you think you’re ‘ard enough, mate.”
Ba’al was bug eyed in speechless rage at the less than reverent tone that was currently assaulting his hearing and then was definitely not amused when he saw one of his Jaffa that he had always suspected of being more than a little sympathetic towards the rebel Jaffa leaders hiding a smirk as he stared resolutely out of the view screen window and out into space. Zatting the Jaffa into oblivion helped alleviate the rising tension in the Goa’uld…right up until the moment a new voice sounded.
“Spike, what are you doing? Oh my God, is that one of those communications thingies?” The high-pitched girlish squeal had every set of teeth on the bridge on edge and Ba’al’s eyebrows drew together so sharply that he very nearly went cross-eyed. “That is *so* cool, can the Big Bad hear us?”
The male voice sounded again, this time a little more tetchily. “I don’t fuckin’ know, Nibblet, I was just bleedin’ playing with it, like.”
“Well that’s no fun.” An ear splitting whistle sounded and very nearly single-handedly sent the entire bridge to their knees. “Hey, yo, anyone up there? Yoo-hoo, Slayer posse in da house! This is Dawn calling ET, Dawn calling ET, are you receiving me? Spike, I don’t think this thing is on.” The sound of an impatient hand slapping in annoyance at the communications device down on the planet echoed around the bridge. “Testing, testing, one, two, three? Eww, I am standing in *brains*? Spike, that is so GROSS!”
The sound of maniacal, gleeful laughter rang out. “Yeah, well, that ponce with the big stick tried to stop me getting in ‘ere, didn’t he? I’m not takin’ bloody crap like that, I’m fucking William the Bloody for fucks sake! Oi, Dawnie, how do these things work then?”
“Er, Spike, I don’t think that’s a very good…CRAP!” The female voice rose in a scream as the very familiar sound of a staff weapon discharging reached Ba’al’s ears and a muffled explosion sounded. There was a pause and then…”Oh, you’re gonna get it now. Colonel O’Neill is gonna be *so* pissed with you! I bet they really needed that glowy thing for some super secret experiment and now you’ve blown it up and he’s gonna *kill* you.”
An unimpressed snort sounded. “Yeah, right, I’m already dead. What’s he gonna do, shoot me with one of those daft bloody ray guns of ‘is? Wanker.” The sound of heavy footsteps sounded in the appalled silence of the bridge and the assembled listeners found themselves holding their collective breaths as they wondered what could possibly happen next… “Oh YES!” The crow of delight had the riveted Jaffa and one Goa’uld unconsciously leaning forward in morbid curiosity as they wondered just what the mysterious voice had found this time. “Dawn, come an’ have a bleedin’ look at this then! Bet this is worth a few bob back ‘ome, eh?”
The female voice came again, this time appreciably more nervous than the last time it had sounded. “Spike? Spike, I really don’t think…” The voice faded and then gasped with delight. “Oh wow! That is SO cool. Can I try it?” The sounds of a scuffle sounded and then a hoarse male yelp of pain before the female voice came back. “Ha! Dumb vampire! This is WAY cool. I’ve never seen knuckle-dusters like this before, I wonder if this stone thingy is real? Do you think it’s a ruby? We should ask Giles, I bet he’ll know.” The sound of a huge breath being sucked in echoed around the bridge and then…”GILES! HEY, GILES! COME SEE, ME AND SPIKE HAVE FOUND SOMETHING REALLY COOL!”
Ba’al’s head swung around to focus on the unfortunate Jaffa standing to his immediate right and he glared furiously as the poor warrior who was still reeling from the less than ladylike bellow from the unseen girl down on the planet’s surface. “Take your warriors and *destroy* those insolent dogs.” He watched with narrowed eyes as his warriors leapt to obey his command and then with a dramatic swirl of his flowing cape, turned on his heel and exited stage left. “Send my new slave girl to my quarters and make sure I am informed when the planet is defeated. Until then I am not to be disturbed.”
It impressed his Jaffa greatly that he didn’t even pause when the sound of another whoop and then another big explosion was transmitted up from the planet as he swept through the door.
Colonel Jack O’Neill had a headache – a big one – and its name was Spike. After being assured by a dinky little blonde girl that the dead guy would *absolutely* obey him without question once they went through the Stargate and would in fact be nothing more than his own personal killing machine with teeth, it was disconcerting to say the least to see the said personal killing machine flip him the bird the minute his Doc Martened feet hit alien soil and hurtle off into the distance leaving a trail of cigarette smoke and some really *filthy* British slang in his wake. And the damn vampire was actually one of the better-behaved members of his new command.
“Hey, snake-boy,” Jack stifled a moan as he looked behind him through the gloom of the battlefield (and remind him again why he’d been persuaded that attacking Ba’al and his evil forces in the dark would be a good idea?) and saw one of the extremely enthusiastic girls that they’d brought through the Stargate with them rear up behind an unsuspecting SuperSoldier. “Made you look!” Jack winced as the SuperSolider turned towards the sound of the girl’s voice and got his head cut from his body for his trouble. “YES!” The girl punched the air, did a little victory wiggle and somersaulted off into the darkness. “VI! Hey, VI! I’m ahead six to your five! Whoo-hoo!”
“Sir!” Carter skidded to a stop next to his position and dropped onto her six next to him. “Sir, things are out of control!”
O’Neill looked at her incredulously as the sounds of a caffeined up Wicca merrily making Jaffa and SuperSoldier’s alike fly through the air and crash into each other reached his throbbing ears. “Gee, Carter, ya think?” He looked up as some poor schmuck of a Jaffa went on his wailing way overhead and then abruptly ended his flight at the end of a slayer’s fist. “Anyone seen Ba’al yet?”
Carter looked near to tears as she shook her head, her expression speaking all to eloquently of her horror at the decidedly unprofessional approach the young female warriors they were allies with had to a battle. “No, sir. Sir, they won’t *listen* to me and they keep laughing and then when I tried to get them to fall back to a more defensible position when we were surrounded they sent out that blue woman with the weird leather cat suit and she stamped an entire platoon of Jaffa and three SuperSoldiers into the ground with just her feet, sir!”
O’Neill rolled his eyes and replied reasonably, “Well she’s not gonna stamp anyone with her elbows is she, Carter?”
Carter glared at him and shoved her combat helmet back a little off her forehead. “Not funny, sir.” She bit her lip and shuddered slightly. “And you don’t want to know what Faith did to one poor Jaffa she found trying to run away.”
O’Neill winced. “Not the staple thing again? I thought we frisked her for them before we brought her through?”
Carter shook her frazzled head. “No, not staples.” She paused to let her CO ease out a sigh of relief and then finished darkly, “But somehow we missed the nail gun.”
O’Neill gave a low moan of horror. “Christ, she’s upgraded.” He looked worriedly into the night once more and asked with a great deal of trepidation. “You haven’t seen the dead blond guy anywhere have you? I promised the General I’d keep an eye on him and I kinda…didn’t.”
“You lost the vampire?” Carter looked absolutely horrified. “Sir!”
O’Neill glowered at his 2IC. “Not lost, more…got left behind when he ran off screaming that he was going to rip off some alien stones and ram them up some alien…”
“JACK! JACK!” The familiar sound of Daniel Jackson *not* having a good time on an alien battlefield rang through the night air and the archeologist himself followed in short order. “JACK!”
Carter frowned to herself and whispered in puzzlement, “Stones?”
O’Neill obligingly shifted a few inches to the left and nodded cordially as Daniel landed ingloriously next to him and clutched at his arm. “Daniel. How ya doin’?”
“I lost her!” Daniel –breathing heavily and with his glasses steaming up in his agitation – clutched harder at Jack’s arm. “One minute she was there and then the next…” All three ducked as a zat fired overhead and then Daniel resumed as though nothing had happened. “The next thing I knew that Spike guy ran past and she took off after him.” He looked reproachfully at his friend even as he snapped off a zat blast at a passing Jaffa. “I thought you were meant to keep Spike with you?”
Jack scowled as he fired off a few rounds of his P90. “Hey, you try keeping Blood-boy somewhere we he doesn’t want to be and then we’ll talk, okay?” He turned to look at Daniel as his friend’s words finally registered. “Wait, what do you mean you lost her? Who her? You mean *Dawn*? Did you lose Dawn?”
Daniel looked even closer to tears than Carter had moments before. “I didn’t mean to, but she wouldn’t stay behind me and she kept shooting off her little crossbow and then she said she was getting a bored just watching the rear and she was jonesing for some real action and then Spike ran past and…”
Jack nodded in sober and bitter understanding and patted Daniel’s arm as he said consolingly, “Go to your happy place, buddy.”
“She could get killed out here.” Daniel shook off Jack’s hand in irritation and peered myopically around the boulder they were all crouched behind. “This is madness, they’re nothing more than little girls and we’ve brought them out here to *die*.”
Jack opened his mouth to reply, but before he could utter a word he was interrupted by one of the said little girls running past in hot pursuit of a terrified looking Jaffa and taking the poor guy out with a well-placed rock to the back of his head. The three seasoned SGC personnel watched silently as the girl – admittedly looking no more than about fifteen – whopped victoriously, jumped on the Jaffa to punch him on the jaw as she made sure he was truly unconscious and then stole his staff weapon with a crow of triumph as she made off into the night. Jack cleared his throat without taking his eyes off the fallen warrior and observed, “I think she’ll be okay, Daniel.”
“O’NEILL,” The well-known boom of a certain friendly Jaffa’s voice rang through the battlefield and the other members of SG1 shifted to make room for Teal’c as he came running through the night, tripped over the body of the recently unconscious Jaffa and fell clumsily over the top of the boulder to land on Carter who’d shifted the wrong way when she was paying more attention to working out what Spike had meant by stones than on which way her friend was incoming. “My apologies, MajorCarter.” Teal’c rolled somewhat more smoothly off Sam and took a couple of seconds to right the crumpled woman before fixing his team leader with a baleful eye. “The battle is not progressing as expected, O’Neill.”
Jack quirked an eyebrow, peeked over the top of the now distinctly crowded boulder – just in time to catch Xander Harris lead a group of three whooping girls after an unusually fast moving SuperSoldier – and then pulled his head back down to look at his old friend. “We’re not winning?” He shrugged as a loud yell and a heavy thump signaled the end of the SuperSoldier’s flight and then some distinctly sharp and wet sounds reached his ears as Xander and his little mob dispensed with the poor slob with minimum fuss and maximum dismemberment. “That sounds like winning to me. That ol’ vulnerability spell the little witch gal cast on the zombie goa’ulds looks like a *peach* to me.”
Teal’c eyed him severely. “These children are not warriors. They are foolish and untrained and they do not conduct themselves as proper warriors should.”
The sound of Xander persuading three over-excited junior slayers that now was *not* the time to have a impromptu game of soccer with a decapitated alien head floated through the night air towards SG1.
Jack’s lips twitched and he couldn’t resist. “Indeed.”
Teal’c stopped looking stern and melded seamlessly into looking murderous at the fond mockery from his friend. “I do not find this amusing, O’Neill. And Ry’ac has disappeared along with the demon’s offspring.”
Jack looked momentarily confused and then enlightenment dawned. “Oh, the kid from LA? Connor?”
Teal’c looked even more displeased and leveled his staff weapon at a passing Jaffa and SuperSoldier as they ran past SG1. “Indeed.” There were two sharp blasts from his weapon and then two more bodies lay on the ground. “I do not feel he is a suitable companion for my son.”
Jack favored the disgruntled Jaffa with an unholy grin. “Aw, you’re just bent out of shape because the kid kicked your ass all over the base when we were assessing the Slayer’s crew.”
Teal’c looked positively dour at the reminder of his shameful defeat at the hands of such a stripling. And a short one at that. “I am not. I greatly respect the boy’s ability to fight.” His teammates very politely didn’t notice his hands tighten around the shaft of his weapon and begin to twist as though wringing a certain cocky Destroyer’s neck. “He is strong and quick and brings honor to his people with his abilities.” Jack, Sam and Daniel began to look a little uneasy as the hands increased in their movements and the staff weapon creaked warningly. “His courage and quick mind are also great assets and I have no doubt that he will win many victories in the fight against repression and evil.” The staff weapon began to whine and a lone blue spark flared into life. Jack, Sam and Daniel inched away as far as they could without leaving the small cover offered by their boulder. “I greatly respect him as a fellow warrior, but I am displeased by his teaching Ry’ac about kicking opponents when they are down and introducing him to the Earth literature known as porn.” A loud crack ripped through the night as the staff weapon snapped under the pressure and shot a forlorn collection of sparks into the air.
Daniel cleared his throat and charitably put aside his own misgivings about Connor Angel. Since the younger man appeared on the Stargate base forty eight hours before Dawn Summers seemed to have forgotten all about charmingly short sighted archeologists and instead had focused solely on young men that carelessly threw her ten feet into the air by way of a greeting and then occupied himself by sniffing all the unfamiliar soldiers in her vicinity and growling when they got too close. “Teal’c, on Earth young men frequently bond over their sexual curiosity when they are in their late teens and early twenties using many different avenues from all aspects of society. Connor was merely displaying normal social habits for his age.”
Sam – just about recovered from being squashed by a fast moving Jaffa – wheezed, “*Porn* is normal social habits?”
Jack nodded knowledgably. “Oh sure.” His face creased in a grin as Sam gave them all a look of outraged feminine disapproval. “Aw, c’mon Carter, don’t tell me you and the girl-geeks you hung out with in high school never got a little squealy over the pin-ups in ‘Teen-Beat’ in your time?”
Sam looked mystified. “No. What’s Teen-Beat?”
“Well that sure explains a lot.” Jack shook his incredulous head and turned to look at Daniel. “What about you, Daniel, bet you had a nice little store of skin-rags under your bed, huh? Getting a little hot under your geek suits at all the pretty ladies?”
Daniel stuck out his chin and with great dignity said, “Certainly not. I read ‘National Geographic’ and ‘Reader’s Digest’.”
Jack snorted. “Oh you did *not*. You looked at the pictures!” He leered. “Betcha got all hot under the collar when you got up close and personal with some of those pictures in the funky old temples you used to go dig at as well, didn’t ya?”
Even in the gloom it was possible to see the tide of colour staining Daniel’s cheeks.
Jack crowed with triumphant laughter as Sam stared at him with sorrowful eyes and said reproachfully, “Daniel!”
Daniel blushed harder. “I was just a kid.” He shifted uncomfortably on the cold ground and rather guiltily played the orphan card that usually had Sam turning into a pile of goo on the rare occasions that he disappointed and annoyed her. “I was on my own for so long and there was no one to really ask about those sort of things when I was growing up.”
On cue, Sam almost visibly melted and blinked suddenly misty eyes. “Oh Daniel.”
Jack and Teal’c looked wildly impressed at Daniel’s shameless manipulation of their teammate and both made a mental note of her apparent vulnerability for the next time they needed to head her off at the pass from kicking their asses.
Daniel swallowed heavily and looked away from his friends as he clenched his jaw heroically and bit back a smug little smile. “It’s okay, it was a long time ago.” He sighed morosely. “I’m fine.”
Sam looked mortified and silently reached out to clench Daniel’s hand in her cold one and send waves of support and affection towards him, obviously forgetting the whole porn thing completely in the wake of her friend’s evident pain.
Jack nearly broke into spontaneous applause. *Damn*, but that boy was good.
Teal’c idly zatted a passing Jaffa and wondered whether the same kind of tactics might work on Ishtar the next time he saw her. The woman really was *far* too manly in her manner at times and he thoroughly approved of anything that might shut her up aside from the obvious solution of shooting her with her own weapon and gagging her when he took her to his bed.
Daniel squashed his guilt, squeezed Sam’s hand back and happily contemplated all the chocolate cookies that would be sure to be turning up at his lab unannounced for the next month at least as Sam tried to make up for her faux pas. Somehow Dawn’s defection wasn’t stinging quite as much as it…oh *hell*! “Jack, what about Dawn? She’s still out there!”
Jack scowled and opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a squawk from his radio. “Hey, Colonel-guy, you out there?” Jack’s mouth snapped shut and he scowled in disapproval at the less than formal tone of Buffy Summers as she continued blithely, “We’re getting a little bored down here and your main guy’s a no-show. Giles says we’re kinda on a clock here because we’ve got to get back to Earth for a pretty big apocalypse tomorrow night so whadda ya say to fakin’ Ball out and wrapping this whole thing up in time for dinner?”
Sam blinked and mouthed, “Ball?”
Jack ground his teeth and pushed down his annoyance that the little blonde girl was stealing his patented forget-the-name-of-the-bad-guy-of-the-moment routine and snarled into his radio, “What did you have in mind?”
A happy little giggle floated over the radio and in a voice dripping with calculation and mischief Buffy enquired, “Can we say surrender boys and girls?”
An hour later and Ba’al was in a much happier place and enjoying himself thoroughly with some well-deserved gloating over his captured and beaten enemies. Although slightly disconcerted to find out that the fearsome warriors that had given his invading forces such a hard time were nothing more than little girls and a scant scattering of men, he had been utterly thrilled to find that his old adversaries SG1 had been an unexpected bonus when his Jaffas had herded the defeated Tauri into his audience chamber. Consequently he had been occupying himself striding up and down in front of the rather crowded main floor of the chamber waxing lyrical on why he was the absolute, undefeated champion of the universe and Jack O’Neill and his followers were not fit to lick the bottom of his shiny sandals.
“I will have you begging for mercy before this night is over. You will bow before your god and you will watch as I turn my wrath upon your pathetic world and destroy all in my path as I tear asunder all those who oppose me and obliterate every trace of the Tauri scum from existence.” Ba’al’s eyes flashed gold in his fury and triumph as he raked them over Sam, Dawn and Willow standing huddled in a close approximation of terror and humiliation by a bored looking Daniel and Teal’c. “And then I will toss your womenfolk to my warriors and force you to watch as they as dishonored over and over until they die from their shame.”
Xander waited a few polite seconds after the end of Ba’al’s rant and then added with a grin, “Bwahaha.”
Ba’al – along with the rest of the room – looked slightly disconcerted. “What did you say?”
Xander beamed back at him with all the confidence of a man backed by a hundred slayers, two vampires, one unspecified demon and a Wicca who he’d personally poured a pint of coffee down the throat of just minutes before he’d shipped out through the Stargate. “I said, ‘Bwahaha’,” He nodded in a friendly manner to the baffled Goa’uld and expanded helpfully, “You’re a textbook evil guy, even got the little goatee thing going on for you, and you’ve just finished telling us all your evil plans and you forgot to add the maniacal laughter at the end.” He shrugged. “I was just trying to help you out.”
Ba’al stared at his prisoner with cold dignity. “I do not laugh.”
“Really?” Xander stared back at him for a moment and then nodded to himself thoughtfully. “Right, that explains it then.” He dismissed Ba’al from his mind as he turned towards Jack and leaned comfortably up against the wall of the audience chamber. “No wonder you’ve had such problems getting rid of this guy, he’s not playing by the rules, ignoring the code!”
Despite his distressing situation, Jack found he was beginning to enjoy himself very much and took to his role of straight man with relish. “Code?”
“Uh-huh.” Xander nodded eagerly. “All the bad guys have this kinda unwritten code, you know? They get lucky a couple of times, have the good guys – that’s us, by the way – against the ropes and then *pow* we make some last ditch stand against them and get our asses captured, the bad guy gets to have a little moment of taunting and gloating, they do the manic laughing and then our heroes – still us – pull some amazingly wacky plan out of their butts and save the day.” He looked disapprovingly at Ba’al. “I always said you could never trust a bad guy that doesn’t make with the taunting chuckles.”
Jack nodded his head and shrugged carelessly. “Well, whadda ya’ gonna do? Standards slip.” He shot his own disapproving look at Ba’al. “Now Apophis, *there* was a bad guy for you. Taunting, mocking, the whole nine yards.”
Teal’c raised an eyebrow and inclined his head. “He was indeed a formidable opponent.” Condemning eyes raked over Ba’al’s rigid form. “By now my former false god would have killed us all and forced his newly captured slaves to dismember our bodies and scatter the remains for wild animals.”
Jack heaved a nostalgic sigh and ignored Sam’s muffled giggles behind him. “Yeah, he sure was a guy that knew how to bring the hurt on.” He smirked at Ba’al. “Dressed better too, had a real sense of *style*.”
Faith chimed in from the other side of the room and leered appreciatively at Ba’al. “Yo, the mad, bad and dangerous to know look is *so* working for me.” She waggled her eyebrows and pushed out her chest. “There’s just something about a guy in leather that gets me hot.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Faith, there’s just something about *guys* that get you hot.” She grinned at her sister slayer. “And women. Possibly barnyard animals as well. In fact is there *anything* that doesn’t get you hot?”
Faith bit her lip and contemplated the floor thoughtfully before flashing an unrepentant smile and shrugging cheerfully. “Haven’t found it yet, B.”
“SILENCE!” Ba’al’s outraged roar echoed around the room. “Bow before your god and show your respect!”
Giles closed his eyes and winced apologetically. “Oh dear. I’m afraid they haven’t quite got the hang of that.”
Sam snorted to herself and muttered grouchily, “And there’s damn all chance of it happening after the dishonoring of the womenfolk crack.” She glared not the least bit respectfully at Ba’al. “I happen to be a warrior and an astrophysicist, I am *not* the token girl, okay?”
Willow nudged her supportively. “You tell him, sister!”
Dawn dragged her eyes from the ceiling where she had been staring somewhat expectantly for the last five minutes of Ba’al’s glorious speech and punched the air with her chained fists. “Girlpower!” She lowered her fists and went back to staring at the ceiling. “Hey, has anyone seen Connor recently?”
“Angel’s whelp is absent from this gathering.” Ilyria -- blatantly not happy at having to suffer through Ba’al’s happy little megalomaniac rant and itching to demonstrate just how a good smiting *should* go -- lifted her chained wrists with a very effective pout and enquired almost plaintively, “I feel annoyance and impatience in great quantities with this pretender, is it not yet time to rip out his spleen and force him to eat it?”
Spike grinned around the cigarette dangling from his mouth that four Jaffas and Buffy had failed to separate from him and nodded encouragingly at his little blue buddy. “You got my vote, Smurfette.” He turned his head to look at Buffy and complained bitterly, “I’m *bored*, Slayer, I was ‘avin fun playin’ with all the new shinies me and the ‘Bit found and I want to go play with them some more. Move it along, yeah?”
Dawn nodded in agreement and ignored Ba’al who was looking her up and down most offensively, despite the irritated scowl on his face at being treated so casually by his captives. “Yeah, there was this way cool thing that I want to show Connor and now I can’t find him.” She pouted a lot more prettily than Ilyria had. “He promised me he’d stay on my tail.”
Buffy snorted and muttered gloomily to Willow, “That’s what I’m worried about; like father, like son.”
Angel stirred at the back of the room where he was glaring at any Jaffas that caught his eye and outstripped both Ilyria and Dawn in his outraged pout. “Hey, knock it off, Connor’s a great kid!” He stared pointedly at Buffy. “And I was on your tail *once* and then I turned evil. I didn’t have that problem with anyone *else*.”
Buffy gasped in annoyance. “Hello? That whole business was *my* fault? I don’t remember anyone else turning evil after being with me!”
Xander grinned and winked solemnly at Jack’s desperately interested face. “That’s not strictly true. Parker? Turned evil. Riley? Turned *stupid*. Spike? Turned…” The look on Xander’s face spoke volumes as he jerked his head in indication at the youngest vampire in the room. “Well, I guess you can kinda see where I’m goin’ with this.”
Jack nodded sympathetically. “Turned stupid *and* evil, huh?”
Xander grinned at Spike and Buffy’s matching aggravated expressions and confided dryly, “To the Nth degree.”
Spike snarled, “I got a bleedin’ soul for her, didn’t I? *Not* evil.”
Jack glanced at the vampire and then said pointedly, “We do *know* about the Oval office thing, y’know.”
Spike’s expression was torn between consternation and hilarity, and after a brief internal battle hilarity won out. His face split in an evil grin and he chortled merrily, “Bloody fantastic that was, mate! You should’ve seen ‘em all running around squawkin’ and creatin’ and Red makin’ all the inflatable stuff float around the room and bounce off the walls.”
Willow blushed guiltily and muttered, “I was under the influence. Not to be held accountable here.”
Sam bumped shoulders with the scarlet-faced witch and murmured consolingly, “I’ve seen that office, I always thought it needed a little oomph.”
Buffy glowered at the disinterested room and spat in irritation, “My boyfriends do *not* always turn evil!”
“Hey, B, at least they don’t all get dead.” Faith glanced around from where she was cozying up to a decidedly nonplussed Jaffa and batting her eyelashes at him and then looked pointedly at Sam. “Unlike some people’s.”
“For the last time, they do *not* all die!” Sam glared and then looked down at Willow as the younger woman returned the favor of a consoling shoulder bump. “Really. Most of them *choose* to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.”
“Which, by the way,” Dawn’s annoyed voice echoed through the room and everyone turned their attention to her to see her struggling in Ba’al’s sweaty hands and looking most displeased. “I am *so* not interested in doing. Me and the greater good? Not even on speaking turns. Get the hell off me, Snakey!”
Ba’al leered down at her from his considerable height and ignored the disgruntled shifting of a multitude of slayers, vampires, demons, witches and one SGC team. “I appreciate some spirit in my slaves, you will give me much sport before I break you.” His leer widened. “The sport will begin before your companions and I shall enjoy your pain and theirs as I break you.”
Dawn’s eyes narrowed. “I *really* don’t like you.” She leaned back as far as she could in his embrace and glowered at the ceiling. “Don’t think I can’t see you up there, Connor Angel; you get your ass down here and get this son of a bitch off me RIGHT NOW!”
For a moment nothing happened then a blur swung down from the ceiling with a yell that bore than a passing resemblance to a Tarzan yodel and Dawn was plucked off her feet and out of Ba’al’s arms and off to the other side of the room, still bitching loudly as she made her escape.
“You’ve been up there *how* long?” Completely outraged, Dawn turned on Connor the moment her feet touched floor once more and thumped him with her chained fists even as they ducked a couple of staff blasts. “You couldn’t have ridden to the rescue, oh I don’t know, *before* he had his hands all over my butt?”
Connor shrugged, cold cocked a nearby Jaffa, nodded to his father and then dragged Dawn out of harm’s way behind a handy pillar. “You looked like you could handle it.”
“My hands are CHAINED TOGETHER!” Dawn paused for a moment while Connor rolled his eyes and obligingly snapped the links holding her wrists together and then slapped him again with one hand as her other liberated the spare zat he carried in his belt. “In what twisted dimension are you living in that you think that was handling the situation?” They parted for a moment to dodge round opposite sides of the pillar and fire into the suddenly lively room and then came back together as the Jaffa made their position and returned fire with extreme prejudice. “We are *so* talking about this when we get home.”
Connor scowled and peeked out into the room to see Faith leap on a Jaffa warrior and begin to choke him with her chains. “I was waiting for a good moment.” He eyed the room, ignored yet another exasperated slap from Dawn and then hollered up at the ceiling, “Hey, Ry’ac, anytime with the back up there, pal!”
Dawn eyed Connor dubiously. “You have back-up?” Her mouth twitched in a sly grin. “That’s a little out of character, isn’t it? Normally you’re all about the ‘kill ‘em all and kill ‘em now’ mentality.”
“I am not!” Connor scowled in indignation. “I nearly always have a plan.” He flushed as Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and raised a disbelieving -- and bitterly experienced -- eyebrow. “I do! It’s just sometimes I’m in a hurry and I don’t have time to wait for…” He moved smoothly out of the way in time for Ry’ac’s somewhat breathless arrival behind their pillar and pointed triumphantly at his new friend. “Back-up!”
Ry’ac nodded politely to Dawn and then informed Connor gravely, “The battle is progressing well. I believe that now would be the time to implement the next stage of your plan.”
Connor looked puzzled and then a little uneasy. “Next stage?” Dawn groaned and closed her eyes as Ry’ac stared at Connor in sudden concern when the Destroyer shuffled his feet nervously. “What next stage? This *is* it. The whole plan.”
Dawn whimpered quietly to herself and muttered, “We are *so* screwed.” She opened her eyes and peeped around the pillar, trying to catch a glimpse of Willow’s redhead in the confused mass of bodies currently duking it out in Ba’al’s previously well-ordered audience chamber. Her eyes skipped quickly around the room until she found Willow fighting back to back with Sam and she turned back to her two male companions now engaged in a low-voiced vicious argument concerning the stupidity of mounting a rescue mission without giving any thought past the actual moment of rescue and the pressing matter of an actual *escape* for all interested parties. “Hey, Beavis and Butthead, knock it off already, *I* have a plan. Follow me!”
Connor rolled his eyes as he obediently plunged in Dawn’s wake as she headed for Willow’s position and dragged a somewhat reluctant Ry’ac after him. “Yeah, Dawn Summers with a plan, I’m just chock full of confidence here.”
Loftily ignoring Connor’s disparaging comment -- but filing it away for some serious butt kickin’ revenge when back on Earth -- Dawn careened through the annoyingly busy room to get to Willow and skidded to a halt just in time to zat a Jaffa shooting a big hole through Sam with his staff weapon. “Hey, guys!” Dawn kicked the fallen warrior out of her way and grinned at Willow and Sam’s flushed faces. “Ready to finish up?” She turned as Connor and Ry’ac joined them. “Okay, you two, front and center. Your jobs are to kick any alien ass that comes within two feet of us, okay? We’ll handle the rest.”
Connor nodded and then shook his head at Ry’ac’s increasingly perplexed expression. “I don’t bother asking anymore, just go with it and don’t worry about anything blowing up accidentally. It mostly works out eventually.”
Willow and Dawn shot identical annoyed looks at the back of his head and then clasped hands. Willow smiled at the younger girl, “Ready, Dawnie?”
Dawn nodded. “Go for it.”
Willow took a deep breath and shut out the sounds of battle all around them. “Okay. Think Shrimp!”
“…and then about fifty of these *really* pissy guys with some sort of machetes and masks fell out of this sparkly hole type thing and cut up all the Supersoldiers and chased Ba’al out of the room and all we found when we went to look for him was a bit of his foot and his chin.”
General Hammond groped weakly for his new ulcer medication without taking his horrified eyes from SG1 and a rather embarrassed looking Willow and Dawn as they sat around the table in the SGC briefing room. “His chin?”
Jack nodded confidently and explained, “*Definitely* his. Still had the goatee attached.” He beamed happily at his CO. “Sir, I am happy to report that the threat from Ba’al and his army has absolutely been neutralized and his Jaffa army have been relocated through the system within the ranks of the Jaffa rebellion.”
Hammond nodded weakly. “Good. Well done.”
Willow glared accusingly at Dawn’s bright red face and the younger girl flushed even more brightly as she squirmed in her seat. “What? I thought you said to Think GIMP!”