Surviving In England –or- The Great Escape, Zeppo Edition
Author: Anime Ronin
Summary: Third in the series – Urd’s meddling hits the baby Slayers and poor Xander doesn’t have a clue what about to hit him.
Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing.
AN: Not sure who it was that suggested another part to this, let alone Urd’s meddling, but this is for you (or them, if there were several of you).
(Watcher’s Compound, England)
It had been nearly six months since Megumi had first started the school and even Urd had to admit that things had gone relatively well – sure, her presence had caused a small (by Kami standards) problem, and more than a little friction amongst the Slayers, but once things had been hashed out, calm had taken up residency in the school. The Slayers learned, the teachers taught, and she found herself to be very bored – she was the goddess of LOVE, after all, and with so very few available guys for the girls (and she had to figure out a way to keep that Dawn kid away from Xander – he was SERIOUSLY cute, after all), she felt compelled to spice things up a little.
This ambition, to set Slayers up, had led her to introducing Megumi to a nice young man from the local markets, and the pair had hit it off nicely, but eventually it had fizzled because Megumi could not or would not commit – normally, this would have angered her, but she knew why … and she had to say that it was impressive. Every ‘baby Slayer’ in the Academy had eyes for one of two people, occasionally both – Faith LeHane, the second most senior Slayer, or Xander Harris, the OS, or ‘Original Scooby’. Faith was the bad girl gone good, yet one who still retained her edge, but Xander was the good guy who, if you looked hard enough, held an edge you didn’t see until it was slipping between your ribs or slitting your throat when you hurt one of ‘his girls’, not that he advertised this fact, but if you looked, you saw it. Urd had, once, tried to get the pair of them together with one of her more subtle potions, but all it had gotten out of the pair was an apology from Faith on a past transgression and an oft-shared beer and cable television show between the pair.
Now, though, after her rather spectacular failure, she had her sights set on a more attainable goal – Megumi; to pull this off, though, she was going to have to be a little more drastic than she normally liked to be, which explained the potion in her hands. It was a potion strong enough to make her sister, Belldandy, fall head-over-heels in love with anyone she saw first, but there was a problem in administering it – it couldn’t be taken orally, it had to be absorbed through the skin, which posed the problem of how to get Megumi to do such a thing. Answer? Water, more specifically, the pool that Megumi liked to swim in alone on Tuesday nights, and place that she was just outside of – one potion in the water feed into the pool and Megumi would be dosed with enough to make her pliable enough for Urd to set her up with the boy, and off of Xander. The one thing working in her favor was that, once the potion hit the water, it had a fifteen minute life-span.
After all, she though as she poured the potion into the feed tubes, what was the worst that could happen?
“Alright, girls, everyone into the pool!” She felt the color drain out of her face as Megumi’s voice and the sounds of AT LEAST twenty bodies diving into the water reached her ears as he last drops of the potion went into the feed tubes – Kami-sama, what had she done?
Upstairs, asleep in his bed, Alexander Harris shivered in his sleep slightly, snorted and then rolled over on his side, clutching the stuffed pig that Dawn had given him just days before, an act that had irritated Buffy to no end while she had been visiting (something about a replacement Mr. Gordo).
Dawn stopped from where she had been looking at some rather lacey lingerie and looked around, as if to explain WHY she had this odd feeling of fear going up and down her back.
“No, Faith, just an odd feeling.” She looked back at the garments in question and grinned, “So, do you think Xander will like these?”
The dark-haired Slayer smiled, holding up something that was more her own size and made of red, see-through silk, “As much as he’ll like these.”
Dawn growled, “Back off, Faith – he’s mine.”
“Share the wealth, D.”
Megumi felt her cheeks flush as she and her fellow Slayer sisters all got out of the water, in fact she felt like her entire body was on fire as she made her way to the door, not even bothering to towel off, because she had one thing on her mind – Alexander Harris.
“Mmmm … Alexander,” she heard several of her sisters purr as pieces of swimsuits and entire swimsuits were starting to plop to the ground in wet masses, the hoard of twenty bodies all walking up to the Teacher’s Dorms.
Soon … very soon … things would be perfect.
In Urd’s mind, things could not have been more fucked up as she did her best to ward Xander’s door against the on-coming Slayers – she was going to PAY for this, she was sure of it, and that was if someone else other than Xander got to her first. What he’d do to her would be worse – she’d actually feel bad about her actions, something that nobody else but Bell and Father could do.
The first of the Slayers reached his door and bounced off of the wards she had in place, a fact that brought a smile to her lips, but soon that one Slayer was joined by a dozen and the wards were starting to crumble – one of the more industrious ones, though, decided to circumvent the door and punched through part of the wall … or she tried to. The sounds of bone shattering filled the air, along with the sound of a CLANG as the plaster fell away to reveal clapboards and, from behind the few boards that fell away, what appeared to be steel plate – this impressed Urd, greatly. When had he done this?
Sadly, though, the metal soon gave way as the Slayers tore the wall out around it and then, with one mighty jerk, pulled the piece of what appeared to be half-inch thick hardened steel sheet metal out of the wall, revealing Xander’s closet. The Slayers went through the hole and out of the closet, at which point Urd went into Xander’s room … only Xander wasn’t there – the bed was messed up, several things looked strewn about … and the window was open.
“Prey gone. Find now,” came from Megumi, her voice low and slightly guttural as she and several other partially-clad girls began to sniff the room, the others beginning to fan out in the hallways to begin their search. The question was … where was he?
Clad only in a pair of shorts, socks and a tank top, Xander hefted the bag on his shoulder and ghosted across the roofline of the school, glad that he not only had two good eyes (depth perception was a WONDERFUL thing when on the run), but also that he’d scouted out every possible escape route long before. WHY were the baby Slayer after him this time? He still had another ten days before their ‘friends’ all showed up, along with Faith’s, which was when things like this normally happened.
Soon, though, he reached the edge of the roofline and looked down, disheartened at the sight – four stories down, without a shred of cover to be had, and the ground was starting to fill with partially clad (or unclad, depending on how one looked at it) baby Slayers. Oh, yeah, Dawn, Buffy, Willow and Faith were going to kill him.
It was with a heavy heart that he reached into his ‘emergency bag’ and withdrew a canister – this was going to hurt him in the long-term more than it was going to hurt his girls now, he decided as he pulled the pin and hurled it into the wind and at the largest group of Slayers before drifting back into the shadows.
Urd watched as several of the girls came back inside from the back yard, all of them pawing at their eyes and noses, tears running down their cheeks as Megumi walked up and growled.
“Prey fights back.” Urd rolled her eyes – Slayers, always so damned primal when they were angry or horny.
Now wearing cushioned-soled slippers, Xander slowly eased himself down into the solarium, where Willow often held her classes on Wicca, magic, balance and biology – he’d checked the room with a pocket IR module he’d … borrowed from Captain Cornbread and his troupe of trained monkeys when they came to check out and suggest things to stock the armory with, and with it clear he opened up the window and slowly lowered himself down. He knew it wouldn’t be long before they found him, so he had to set up quickly.
There was that shiver again, Dawn thought as she and Faith paid for their purchases and went to go meet up with Buffy, Willow and Kasumi. What would be wrong?
Megumi frowned as she watched the bulk of her Slayer sisters all now paw at their eyes, ears, noses and mouths, several of them being noisily sick in the plants as the smoke began to thin out. She then smiled as a giggle escaped her lips – this prey was truly worthy of her attention.
Urd, for her part, was mentally swearing – the next time she was asked to stick around, she was NOT going to agree to not be able to physically touch the people around her. Bell-chan and the brat had thought it would be a good idea, but now, she really wanted to smack Megumi as the girl giggled and began to walk down the hallway again.
It then struck her that the potion, once it started to take effect, had a thirty minute life of it’s own, and after that the conscious mind of the person it was effecting (or minds, in this case) began to reassert itself. The potion had begun to work almost twenty minutes before now, so in ten minutes, the numbers of Slayers after Xander would start to thin out … she hoped.
Xander let himself into the back door silently as he scanned the room – no baby Slayers to work around or worry about. This was good.
As he walked towards the spice cabinet, he never saw or felt the baby Slayer that attacked him, hitting him over the back of the head with a large melon, nor did he feel a thing as he fell face-first into the floor, unconscious.
Dawn and Faith looked at the destruction that filled the hall of the Teacher’s Dorm with both awe and fear – twenty baby Slayers were missing, and so was Xander, and Urd refused to tell them what was going on, and it was starting to irk them both as they checked room by room.
Naturally, it was the one room that they didn’t think to check until an hour after they arrived to find the doors open and several used canisters of CS gas (not to mention numerous parts of bathing suits, and entire ones, too), that they found the missing baby Slayers and Xander – in the middle of the large room was a bed, and strapped to that bed was Xander, spread-eagle, naked as the day he was born, and being cuddled by one of the baby Slayers from France while the others looked on at her balefully, all of them holding slips of paper with numbers.
“What in the hell is going on here?” Dawn was glad, from what she could see, that nothing other than cuddling had happened so far between the girl and Xander, who looked to be just coming around into consciousness as she shouted out the question.
Faith echoed, “Yeah, what’s going on and why wasn’t I invited?”
It was Urd, who materialized from the shadows, who sighed and answered, “This is the result of a potion gone wrong, Dawn – I was trying to get Megumi to loosen up and to give this guy I set her up with a chance … but it backfired.” The goddess waved at Xander’s body, which was now struggling against the bonds and the groping of the baby Slayer, “Unfortunately, something about the Slayer essence made all of the effected go after Xander.”
Faith walked towards X as she heard Baby D begin to get ready to explode, a smirk pulling at her lips as the baby Slayer got off of the bed, her eyes wide with fear as the girl apparently gazed at D, “Hey, stud – need a hand?”
X couldn’t say anything due to the ball gag in his mouth, but the glare to get him out of the ropes was pretty much a given – Faith shrugged and dropped the bucket hat she had been going to give him over his nakedness, covering it and drawing a groan of displeasure from the baby Slayers.
After freeing his feet and his right arm, she looked at him oddly, “Ya know, if I’d known you were into B and D, all ya had to do was say something – I could have borrowed Red’s stuff any time.”
Xander finished freeing himself and held the hat over himself as he held a pillow over his ass, “We’ll finish this conversation later, Faith – I need to try and salvage what is left of my dignity.”
On cue and in a deadpan voice, one of the baby Slayers chipped in, “I don’t know about dignity, but sure do have a lot of-“ The rest of the sentence was cut off as Dawn leveled a glare that could cause even a Slayer to spontaneously combust.
Dawn glared again at Urd before looking at Xander and pointing, “You, bed. You,” she pointed at Faith, “make sure he gets there.” Faith saluted her and Xander, much to her displeasure, didn’t even as she turned and glared at Urd again, “How long until the potion wears off?”
Urd looked at her wristwatch, “About now.”
On cue, the baby Slayers began to shake their heads and squeal at their states of undress, all of them blushing like mad.
Faith whistled as she surveyed the damage while Xander pulled on a robe, at least – she didn’t mind looking, but right now she needed to keep her mind on business, “They did a number on this place, boy toy.”
“They did indeed,” he grumbled as he shut his window and closed his closet, locking it from the outside before smiling at her, “What a night, huh?”
She smiled and pushed him back on his bed, straddling him and pulling off her top, “Oh, but it’s only just begun.” Screw business.
What neither knew, as instinct took over, was that in the other room, Urd’s face was split by a huge smile – better late than never.
“Well, I have to say that things could have come out better, Faith.”
“Yeah, they could have, D.” Faith, from her place in Xander’s bed, looked over her shoulder at D, who was also in X’s bed, “Think B will let him keep all his important parts? After all, we do kinda need them.”
Dawn growled slightly as they both heard the shouting match between Buffy and Xander reach new pitches, even through a floor and several walls, “She’d better leave him in one piece – we both promised to work out way through the Kama Sutra, and if he’s lacking all the vital equipment needed, I’m going to be severely pissed.” Buffy had been called back later that day and had been told about everything that had happened, at which point she had stormed Xander’s room, only to find all three of them in bed together, watching Saturday morning cartoons; naturally, she had taken this the wrong way and had dragged Xander out of the room, at which point the screaming had begun.
Faith nodded and then sighed as the fighting subsided, “So, how are we going to break this to the baby Slayers? You know they kinda want him as their own.”
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” The sarcasm in D’s voice wasn’t something one could miss, so Faith let it pass. “Seriously, though, it’s not like he hasn’t offered them all the chance to watch cartoons with him before.”
Faith gave her an incredulous look, “You think they’d be in the same room with him, watching television, and NOT trying to molest him? D, whatever you’re smoking, pass it around.”
Dawn nodded, “Okay, so that would be asking a bit much from them. I mean, it’s not like we’re both sleeping with him.”
“Yeah, only Faith is,” came from the door as Urd walked in, dressed in her goddess robes as she sighed and flopped onto the bed.
“Rough day at the office?” Urd shot Dawn a glare even as they all sighed and lay back – Urd had been called back ‘home’ to answer for what had happened and had apparently just gotten back, “What happened?”
“Well, I’m on suspension again, barring a review by my peers, and I’ve been made corporeal in the respect that I can interact with mortals directly.” Urd snapped her fingers and her robes went away, leaving her in a pair of hot pants, boots and a tank top, “Dad couldn’t stop laughing at me the entire time, Bell kept trying to chastise me but couldn’t because Skuld wouldn’t stop howling and rolling on the ground.”
“Gee, I wonder what made her do that?” They all looked over at Xander as he walked into his room, his face drawn slightly as he flopped onto his bed, directly between Dawn and Faith, both of whom snuggled into his side, “Urd, the next time you have the urge to fix someone up, especially a Slayer, do me a favor and DON’T do it, okay? My ass is sore from the chewing it just got.”
“Want me to kiss it and make it all better, Xand?” He looked at Dawn, who gave him the most angelic look she could, but made no comment as he was suddenly pulled towards Faith.
“Nuh-uh, kiddo, if anyone is kissing his backside, it’s going to be me.”
Dawn pulled him back towards her, “Hey, who was it that was asking me to share the wealth?”
The bickering started again and, for a slight moment, Xander was tempted to ask Urd if this was her doing, but from the look on her face, one of pure shock, it wasn’t, so he settled for stifling back tears – his life was never easy.
AN: Okay, this is the last installment of this story – no, it was necessary to abuse Xander in this fashion, but come on, with Urd hanging around, how could I not? Reviews, please.