Title: Xander and the Duster
Rating: Nothing in here is objectionable except some very mild swearing
Disclaimer: I'm flattered that you thought Xander, Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy belonged to me, but really they belong to other very talented (very wealthy people), not me. I merely a disciple basking in the genius of others. Please, pity my feeble efforts and don't sue.
Summary: Xander runs across a duster in his basement
Crossover: BTVS/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (movie)
Slafariman Zasts was running, late but of course this wasn't Zasts' fault. Slafariman was trying to keep to the schedule but there were exactly a million and one workers from other departments (he counted) getting in his way, ruining his ultra-delicate work. When he was recruited for this job he'd been warned that the chaos/random-number-generator of the planet sized computer was a challenging area but the pay bonus had almost been enough to commission his own semi-luxury planet (after deducting his employee discount of course). Now though, he wasn't so certain it was worth the trouble. The computer was almost ready to reboot and he hadn't quite finished his last assigned section.
Xander woke up, and like everyday, sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then Xander blinked and rubbed his eyes again, when the figure puttering in his basement didn't disappear into dreamland he grabbed his bedside stake (a Scooby necessity) and approached it.
“Freeze!” The figure started and the dust piles on that had been located on a small board floated around the basement intruder.
“Oh no. It's utterly ruined! I'll have to start all over again.” The figure began collecting the dust with a little vacuum.
Xander prodded it with the stake, “Who are you?”
“Well I'm a Magrathea duster”
“A duster?” Xander queried.
“Yes I believe I said that.” Slafariman replied.
“And what are you doing in my basement?”
“Dusting of course. You undoubtedly are a lower subroutine.” Slafariman turned back to dusting.
“Hey, what are you doing now?”
“Like to repeat things do you? No doubt a redundancy drive of some sort.” The duster muttered.
“Well don't.” Xander snapped.
Zasts decided that if ignoring the computer program wouldn't work maybe reasoning with it would. He did a quick scan with his Sirius made scanner, noted the lovely calligraphy 'Made in Magrathea' scrolled on the subroutine's (Xander's) mitochondria, and launched into his reasoned argument. “Look, you're a working routine aren't you Xander?”
“How did you know my name?”
“It says so right here.”
“As I was saying-“
“How did that thing know my name?”
“It's currently connected to the mainframe holding the mega-mozita plans with a special networking to the micro-microbial detailed schematics of Magrathea product number murbian-biflex-serunca-lurena … five-hundred-and-seven version B.”
“Huh?” Xander look flabbergasted.
“It's currently- oh never mind. It's not really important. What is important is that I finish my work.”
“Yes, as you recall I'm a duster.”
“And you're dusting here?”
“Um, well couldn't you just, I don't know, skip it?”
“Absolutely not. We at Magrathea take pride in our products. I'm rather surprised at you, nothing in your scan revealed a shirking genuine people personality.” Zasts rechecked his scanner. Xander thought the scanner looked a lot like Ziggy from Quantum Leap. “Oh I see, your GPP just wants me to get out of your space.”
“Exactly!” Agreed Zasts as he turned back to dusting
“Wait, I thought you were leaving.” Said Xander.
“Well I am. Just as soon as I finish dusting.” replied Zasts.
“Oh” said Xander. Xander sat and watched. “What are you doing?”
“Dusting” replied Zasts.
“That's not dusting.”
“Of course it is.”
“No it's not.”
“Yes it is.”
“NO IT'S NOT,” Xander shouted.
“Routine, I am trying to place a complex series of dust molecules on these clothes, including dust consistent with vampires, various skin cells, and industrial byproducts. It's a very complex process. I require silence.”
“But that's not what a duster does.”
Zasts almost threw up his arms again but remembered the last mess that had happened when he did that and refrained.
“A duster takes away dust,” Xander explained.
“No, that's an un-duster. Listen carefully, you'd expect a dealer to put down cards wouldn't you?” Xander nodded. “Well a duster does the same thing, only with dust. Look if I give you something to do will you shut up and let me finish!” Zasts huffed. Xander cautiously nodded. “Froody. Here, It's the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, new edition, complete with hitching thumb ring. Just read it and SHUT UP.”
Xander caught the tablet the frustrated duster threw before it could make contact with its intended target, his head. He was about to ask how to open the book when a glare stopped him. After reading the friendly 'Don't Panic' he decided to figure it out himself. Xander's figuring was quiet enough that Zasts was able to finish his dusting. Then quietly, Zasts slipped unnoticed out the door while Xander slipped on his thumb ring and began to read.