Disclaimer – I do not own either BtVS or “When Animals Attack.” I am making not making any money from this story.
This is a C/O with BtVS by way of the various Fox specials ‘When ___ Attacks.’ It is intended to be humorous and is not, despite the doctor’s claim, a cry for help.
When Slayers Attack!
An announcement flashed across the screen as a voice speaks in a serious tone.
“The following program contains images of violence and random stake tossing. It is rated M for Mature audiences. Parental discretion is strongly advised.”
Annoying theme music blares. Random images flash across the screen in no particular order. Finally the image shifts to the host standing in a studio surrounded by TV monitors.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m your host and welcome to ‘When Slayers Attack!’”
“Now I would like to take a moment to warn any parents on behalf of the Fox Broadcasting Network that some of the footage you will be seeing tonight is graphic. Parental discretion is advised.”
“Our first video was sent to us by a Mrs. Wanda Tessmocker of Des Moines, Iowa.”
The image shifts to a darken street in some Des Moines suburb. A teenage girl can be seen walking down the street.
The host starts narrating the tape. “You can now see a young girl returning home from a party. According to Mrs. Tessmocker this girl’s name is Debbie and she plays her music very loudly and dresses inappropriately for a girl her age. Now off in the corner you can see a shadow moving towards her. That is a vampire. Mrs. Tessmocker said he and his friends had been doing a very good job of removing many of the more annoying teenagers from the neighborhood and had in fact imposed a much needed quiet during evening hours. Now watch carefully.”
The vampire moves up behind Debbie and was only a couple of feet away from her when a blur could be seen coming from the side of the screen. It slams into the vampire knocking him to the ground. A redheaded young woman stood over him.
The image switches back to the host in the studio.
“Note how rapidly the Slayer moves,” the host intones. “The vampire never even had a chance to get its game face on. The next part of the tape may be disturbing to some viewers as it shows just how ruthless a Slayer can be.”
The image returns to the Slayer standing over the vampire.
The vampire scrambles to his feet his game face on. He charges at the redheaded Slayer. They trade a few blows when she pulls out a stake and plunges it into his heart. He bursts into dust.
The screen fades to black for a few seconds and then fades back to the studio where the host has a sad expression.
“It is our understanding that the vampire’s entire pack was wiped out later that night. Our sympathies go out to their various sires and fellow demons. According to Mrs. Tessmocker Debbie continues to play her music at high volumes, notably during episodes of Matlock and dress inappropriately.”
The host strolls to the other side of the set to stand next to a different set of monitors.
“Our next footage was provided a demon named Etrigan.”
The camera zooms for a close up on one of the monitors. It shows several demons dancing around in a large room drinking a red liquid out cups. The host begins his narration.
“Etrigan was filming his older brother Visgoch’s 657th birthday party. This was a special occasion for everyone. Unfortunately they didn’t know it would end in tragedy.”
The camera panned around the room. About twenty demons of different types could be seen dancing around. Finally the camera settled on the large table in the center of the room. A young man was strapped down spread eagle across it struggling desperately to get free. Strategic blurs covered parts of his body.
“The party was just starting to get up to speed. No one had any idea what was to come.”
Dangling over the table were six other people. Again the image was blurred to cover those things the network deemed inappropriate. Two of the people looked dead. A demon was holding his cup under one gently shaking her. Finally he shrugged his shoulders and picked up a knife from the table and moved the next person in line.
“Again, we’d like to remind our viewers that some of this footage may be disturbing.”
As the demon was about to cut into the next person dangling over the table he suddenly staggered forward. An arrow could be seen sticking out of his side. The camera started whipping around in a blur. More arrows could be seen flying through the air and demons falling. Several women could be seen running around the room wielding swords and axes.
The image stopped for a second on one demon lying dead on the floor.
“Unfortunately Visgoch would never live to see his 658th birthday.”
The image faded to black. The studio came back.
“Etrigan only barely managed to escape. As you’ve seen, in large numbers Slayers can be particularly fierce. The rest of the footage was deemed to graphic to show on television.”
As the host spoke an advertisement for the ‘uncensored’ DVD scrolled across the bottom of the screen.
“We have to take a brief pause for our sponsors. We’ll return in a few minutes with more ‘When Slayers Attack!’”
The screen faded completely black.
A hand reached out and turned off the monitor.
“Thank you Professor Farnsworth for letting us use your What If machine.”
“No problem,” the Professor replied. “What kind of host would I be if I didn’t allow the occasional time traveling dimensional hoppers to see what might be?”
“You’ve been a wonderful host. Now Buffy do you see why we can’t go public with knowledge of the supernatural?”
“Yes Giles,” Buffy answered. “I get it. I didn’t think the Fox Network could get any lower.”
“Would either of you like to see what would have happened if I invented the Finglonger?” Professor Farnsworth asked.
A/N #1 – The last bit was a c/o with Futurama. Notably the second season finale “Anthology of Interest 1.”
A/N #2 – I don’t own Futurama or a Finglonger.
A/N #3– Yes I know I should be working on my other stuff. I am working on them. It’s just slow going. It turns out the only way to get these stupid plot bunnies out of my head is to write them out.
A/N #4 – Just for reference, the doctors say I’m perfectly safe so long as I take my medication.
A/N #5 – Honest.
A/N #6 – Really I am.