The Holy Twinkie
Disclaimer: I don't own a blessed thing. I do however own a few cursed things that once belonged to a man named Murphy. If you wish to have these things I will be more than happy to pass them along.
Summary: This is my spoof of every fic where Xander gets a power.
Author Notes: This fic is proof that I should not be allowed near sugar. This is pure silliness and should not be taken seriously.
Xander stifled a yawn as he snuck into his house. Taking out his twinkie stash he quickly ate his dinner, and climbed into bed. After all he only had four hours until he had to sleep in class instead of his bed.
Just before he went to sleep he heard a booming voice say, “ALEXANDER.”
“Sleepy now, go ‘way,” said Xander as he pulled up the covers to cover his head.
“ALEXANDER, ARISE,” said the voice.
Opening his eyes Xander saw a glowing twinkie hovering a couple of feet over his head and said, “Note to self; concussions and late night snacking don't mix.”
“ALEXANDER; I AM THE HOLY TWINKIE, SECOND COUSIN THRICE REMOVED FROM THE GREAT PUMPKIN,” said the pastry. “I HAVE COME TO OFFER YOU THE POSITION OF MY CHAMPION.”
“Cool, but could you stop talking in all capital letters? I get that you’re big and important, but it’s kind of annoying,” said Xander.
“NO,” said the golden cake of goodness in an annoyed voice.
“Just asking, jeez,” muttered Xander. “Okay, I'll be your champion.”
“A WISE CHOICE, NOW EAT ME.”
“EAT ME, AND RECEIVE YOUR POWERS.”
Never one to pass up a twinkie, even a talking one, Xander shrugged and stuffed the cream filled treat in his mouth. Then he promptly closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.
“Do you really think you can stop me boy?” asked Angelus as he stalked toward Xander.
“Maybe,” said Xander right before he started to shoot white filling from his fingers and into the mouth of Angelus.
As a chemical compound that not even the most brilliant scientist could properly identify began to fill Angelus, his last thoughts were along the lines of, “Sugar content too much, brain shutting down.”
And so fell he who was once named The Scourge of Europe.
“Everyone remember the plan?” asked Xander as the Mayor began to transform.
“Grab your parents and run,” said Harmony as she did just that.
Xander nodded and then remained perfectly still as he gathered his energies. It was all resting on him; he just hoped that he was up to the task.
As the Mayor completed his transformation he got the sudden urge to look up. When he did he saw a five story twinkie falling from the sky, and heading right towards him.
The last words spoken by a man who had lived over a hundred years were, “Well, I never pictured this happening at all.”
“There is no way that should have worked,” said Willow.
“Death by snack food is becoming more and more common in this day and age,” quipped Buffy as she got a large glob of filling out of her hair.
“I still say we should have used humus,” said Oz.
“Mother never was able determine the usefulness of your gift,” said ADAM just before he started to fire his gun. If he was capable of such a thing ADAM would have been surprised as every bullet was stopped by golden goodness.
“Silly customer, don't you know you can not harm the twinkie?” asked Xander in his best Apu voice.
“I prefer Stewie from Family Guy,” said ADAM just before his electronics began to spark and sputter as filling made its way through his cybernetics.
“Stop it!” yelled a woman in a beautiful dress. “Do you have any idea how fattening those things are? I don't want to return to my dimension looking like some fat cow!”
“Then stop looking for the Key,” said Xander.
“Fine, it'll take at least a century to work all this off,” said Glory with a stamp of her foot. “I'd kill you for this, but those things taste way too good. After I work this off I may come back for some more, but only in moderation.”
“What ever you say, Glory,” said Xander with a roll of his eyes. He may have a power, but he would never understand women.
One hundred years after his death Xander Harris was gone but certainly not forgotten.
His image was everywhere, in almost every home. The most common of these images was Xander in a Hawaiian shirt feeding a twinkie to a woman named Faith in a painting called 'Empowering a Champion' by Andrew Wells.
The Church of Alexander had almost replaced Christian beliefs by this time. This was due mainly because of the fact that twinkies were simply more fun to eat than wafers. Well that and services mainly included watching TV with your friends rather than a long sermon.
The vampire population had been devastated in this time because no new vampires were being made. Everyone was being embalmed with twinkie filling that would keep them looking good three thousand years down the road, but with twinkies now considered holy anyone who was turned would simply dust in their graves.
And in a corner of the multiverse an overweight, nearsighted, man was taken away by people as the last of his sanity slipped away.