Disclaimer: Don't own Harmony or the Serenity crew. They're great though, go Joss.
Never Kiss 'em on the Neck
“Wahg-ba DAN duh biao-tze!” Jayne muttered stumbling unsteadily into the hold with his hand over his neck.
Mal looked up as Kaylee ran to help him, “What in the Verse happened to you? This was supposed to be a quiet refueling visit, Jayne, no fighting.”
“Gorramit Mal, I weren’t fightin’! That ruttin’ jien hwo bit me!”
“Someone bit you?” Kaylee asked, turning away as Jayne pulled his hand from his neck so they could all see the twin punctures oozing blood.
“I wonder whatever he could’ve done to provoke that reaction,” Simon remarked dryly.
“You want to share my pain, Doc?” Jayne said, trying to be menacing despite his continued swaying.
“Everybody calm down,” Zoe commanded. “Doc, just tape up his neck.”
Mal nodded. “Everybody else get back to work - I want off this rock now. Jayne, you want to give me some details on your little party?”
“Just like I said, Mal, I spent the night with this cute little girl said her name was Harmony. When I woke up she’s latched onto my neck like a gorram leech!”
“Right... so what’d you do then?”
“What did I do with the shiong-mung de kwong-run of a devil whore, you mean?” Jayne asked giving Mal a look to convey just how dumb the question was. “I shot her.”
“You tellin’ me you left a body layin’ about and tracked your blood from there to the ship?! Tyen shao-duh, Jayne! We are dangerously close to the Core here, we can’t be drawin’ Alliance attention!”
“There ain’t no body,” Jayne said, wincing as Simon disinfected his neck. “Gorram bitch got up and ran away. I ain’t even sure I hit her.”
“So basically,” Simon said, grinning, as he finished dressing the wound, “you were nearly incapacitated by a little girl and had to resort to firearms to retain your manhood.”
“Why you ruttin’!” Jayne roared, reaching for his gun.
“Jayne!” Mal warned. “Back off.”
Muttering he turned away and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Then he stopped and felt around one for a moment before yelling, “Gorramit!! That JAN-doh duh ee-Kwai-ro stole my unicorn!”
“Your... what?” Simon asked, looking like a kid on Christmas morning.
Suddenly remembering his audience, Jayne stiffened and turned. “Uh... I’ll be in my bunk!”