by Bella Temple
. . . I can't stop thinking about her.
What am I supposed to do? They're my family, but they were her family first. I can't do this. I need to be strong, I know this is what's best for both of us. But why does it have to HURT so much? . . .
. . . I did it. Diary, I did it. Last night was wonderful, better than I could have ever dreamed of. She's done so well, and she wants to show me. She did it for the others, yeah, but she did it for me, too.
For me. She loves me that much. . . .
. . . It won't come off. I can't get it off me. Every time I close my eyes I see her.
I keep thinking: she loved that shirt. . . .
How am I supposed to do this? I'm so weak. I know that if things were different, and I was the one who You were so strong. I always admired that about you. How could you do this to me? How could you
I saw them take Buffy out of the back yard. I was in the living room, looking out the window. It took me so long just to get down the stairs that the paramedics were almost done. Xander was just standing there, watching them. He was so quiet. Xander's not supposed to be quiet. He had blood on his hands and on his shirt, and I knew I had to go out there and tell him what happened, that Buffy wasn't the only one k hurt. But I couldn't. . . .
. . . seeing Dawn seeing me, the way her face lit up and crumpled in the same instant.
"Tara, what happened?"
I nearly started crying again. I didn't think about Xander or Buffy at the hospital, all I could see was you, lying there, and the blood that wouldn't come off my hands, and then Dawn was holding me.
I was supposed to be comforting her. . . .
. . . They hadn't even cleaned Xander up. None of the nurses would go near him. They just stared at him like he was some kind of bomb, like one false move would bring the entire hospital down around them. He was almost curled up on the chair, just looking at his hands. They were covered in blood. Just like mine. He didn't look up when we came in, but Dawn started running the minute she saw him. She threw herself at him, and left me standing there.
Mr. Giles would be proud, huh, Willow? . . .
. . . it's too much. I can't do it. It's too much I can't do it its too much I cant do it its too much. . . .
We buried you, today.
I'm so sorry.
. . . He came home. I think we thought that once Mr. Giles came back, he'd fix everything, somehow. But Buffy's still in the hospital, and Mr. Summers is still trying to take Dawn away from us, and we just found out that the Warren in jail wasn't Warren, it was a ROBOT and Mr. Giles is leaving again. . . .
Anya came to find me after Xander left for work this morning. She said she could feel my heart calling out for vengeance. She kept offering suggestions of horrible things I could wish on Warren and his friends. She even suggested wishing you came back.
I just wished I knew why all this had happened.
And now I have the book.
. . . the bullet is the artefact. It has to be. Even the police said that the trajectory just didn't make sense.
I'm the living receiver. I can fix this. . . .
. . . Dawn left today. To live in LA with her dad. He's selling the house.
Everything's falling apart, Willow. I can't keep it together.
Xander won't even talk anymore. He just goes to work, and comes home smelling like alcohol. I wish I could help him, but I'm just as broken as he is.
He used to fix everything, remember? He came over to our dorm room before Mrs. Summers died, and he made the light stop flickering all time. I can't even count how many times he fixed the house. I think it's more Xander-work now than original.
And Mr. Summers is making us leave.
It isn't supposed to be this way. I know it isn't. But I can't fix it by myself. I'm going to ask Xander to help. Maybe then he'll stop drinking.
Maybe then every third word out of his mouth won't be the f-word.
Give me strength, Willow. I'm coming for you. . . .
Xander Harris is a complete idiot. He said I shouldn't trust the book. He said that it would all end horribly, and the world would end, and nothing would ever be good again.
I told him nothing was good, now. I think for a minute he was going to hit me.
Somehow, we ended up on the floor. We're living in his apartment, now. Not the one you knew. He had to get it after Mr. Summers made us leave.
He was crying, Willow.
We made Xander cry.
I don't think he knows how to breathe without you here. I know that I don't. . . .
. . . I think I brought Xander over on the time travel issue. We've gone over it and over it. He thinks I'm wrong, though. That I'm not the receiver.
It doesn't help that the receiver has to die to end the tangent universe. I think he
. . . How could he do that to me? How could he leave me here? . . .
I'm the only one left. I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him.
Now there's a Xander-statue in the living room.
He looks so real. And so scared. He's trapped himself, somehow, outside of time. He was trying to do a spell and it went so wrong and now he's just frozen and I hate him for leaving me
It's all gone wrong. It's all gone so horribly, horribly wrong. Buffy's right, I have to stop it. I'm the only one who can. And I'm going to. Tonight.
I'm coming for you, Willow. I'm going to make it all better.
You'll see. . . .
*These words are all that remains of the strange events that seem to have somehow lead up to the actions of Willow Rosenberg yesterday. These tattered scraps appeared in Devon, it seems, the moment that Ms. McClay was killed.
The details of this "tangent universe" Ms. McClay refers to are sketchy at best. I believe the book she is referring to is ‘The Theory of Time Travel' by Roberta Sparrow, long since considered by this Council to be a work of fiction. However, certain facts, such as the existence of these notes, cannot be ignored.
The bullet which killed Ms. McClay was not fired from the same gun as the one that injured Buffy Summers. All of those involved in the events surrounding her death have reported a strange sense of abstraction, as though waking from a dream. I confess, myself, to have had a similar reaction. It is my recommendation that a group be dispatched immediately to investigate the information in Ms. Sparrow's book. I suspect that the findings may prove invaluable.
It is of utmost importance that Willow Rosenberg never learn of the existence of these scraps. The fate of the world as well as the fate of Ms. Rosenberg depend on her ignorance.
--Rupert Giles, Watcher
Roberta Sparrow, the tangent universe, the artefact and the living receiver are all concepts from Donnie Darko
. No copyright infringement is intended.