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Frog legs, or no Frog legs.

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Summary: The truth comes out. Xander & Piper's relationship will never be the same.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Charmed > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Piper HalliwellMagnusXXNFR1512,9912177,1196 Nov 056 Nov 05Yes
Author: MagnusXXN

Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS nor do I own Angel, I'm pretty sure a sadist by the name Joss owns them. Charmed belongs to.....someone, he had a weird name, kinda girly. But be assured, I own nothing. You'd get more money from suing a hobo. Bad words, but no NC-17.

Frog legs, or no Frog legs.

Piper Penelope Halliwell was busy. She only had a few minutes before her date arrived on their third date, and she was a wreck. The dress she was going to wear had been penny pinched by her younger sister, Phoebe. And her eldest sister Prue had made off with her make-up case.

If it was any other date, a normal woman would be just as upset. Since the third date meant sex... That is if the relationship had any future at all.

But of course, that wasn't the case. Because Piper wasn't any normal women, she was a witch. 1/3 of the legendary 'Charmed Ones', the most powerful coven of witches the world has ever known. So there was that.

And the fact that she and her date, one Alexander Lavelle Harris had already gotten past the whole worry of 'sex date'.

Hell, they'd gotten past that little rump in the first hour of knowing each other. A fact that still made the normally reserved cook/witch blush like a school girl. A wild drunken fuck wasn't something she usually did.

But getting past all that, Piper was still less then pleased. She wanted to look good for her date, who was taking her out to a nice dinner. A nice 'normal' dinner. No demons, no warlocks, no forces of evil trying to ruin her time.

Which she was very thankful for. Just like her first two dates, a trip to the movies, and a basketball game.

Just thinking about it made the young and beautiful brunette smile. They'd thrown pop corn at the movie screen, 'Interview with a Vampire', and laughed at the oh so angsty monster. And had eaten chilli dogs and coke, which had gotten absolutely all over her new 60$ shirt.

And Xander had been absolutely unable to stop himself from busting a gut at her drenched cat impression. Which got him a face full of her left over coke. For any other pair, this would have led to a full off fist fight.

But Piper couldn't help giggle at his look of outrage, and instead of being an ass, he just laughed right along with her.

Which explained why she wanted to look good for her next date. And why she was pissed off something awful at her sisters. Phoebe at least wasn't doing it on purpose. She was just being her normal, nosy, 'gonna borrow your cloths without asking' self.

Prue on the other hand......

She may have been truthful and 'accidentally' taken her younger sister's make-up, then again, she may have just decided to throw a monkey wrench into the whole thing just for the hell out it. After all, if Prue wasn't getting any, heaven forbid her sister's were either.

Piper, deciding the say the hell with it left her room and walked across the hall to Phoebe's bedroom.

"Pheebs, can I borrow your make-up case?" She asked in her most down to earth, less the catty voice. Well, the time stopping witch hoped so anyway.

The youngest Halliwell turned away from her mirror, and gestured towards her bed. "Sure, sure. It’s on the bed, take what you need." She turned back around and began re-applying her lipstick, then stopped dead in her tracks.

"Oh god! Your date! I took your dress and forgot all about your date tonight, I'm sooo sorry sweetie." Phoebe moaned, deeply regretting having spilled red sauce all over her sister's dress the morning of her date night.

But Piper just waved her off, "Yeah, yeah. I'll have a scathing and truly smart ass comment to give you some other time about that. But I'm still not finished putting on my face and he'll be here in....." She looked down at her watch, alarmed, "Five minutes!"

Her own make-up abandoned, Phoebe picked up the blush and turned Piper towards her, and together the two of them got to work. There wasn't a minute to waste.


Well, if one was to put it down on paper, write down the logic of the thing, it wouldn't hold water that since he had absolutely nothing to do the entire day 'but' get ready for his date, then it didn't make much sense to be 'late' for said date.

But there he was, racing down the street in his 'borrowed' catty in the cool night air of June. Hoping he wouldn't be too late, but Xander was still trying to formulate a decent story if he happened to arrive a great deal later then he and Piper had planned.

Things weren't as easy for him as most people would think. True, he was out of his home town and out from under the prying eyes of family, and friends.

But that didn't mean he was totally free. Xander had blown through the last of his trip money a few days back buying Piper a stuffed teddy bear at the basketball game. And he couldn't exactly call home asking for money.

But that was beside the point.

That had little to do with why he was late at the present time. And though Piper had a 'very' adventurous streak in her, the Sunnydale native was pretty sure she wouldn't be to understanding if he told her he'd fallen asleep while he'd been 'waxing' off one before their date.

He hadn't wanted to arrive at her house, only to find himself already half cocked when she got in the car.

Grumbling, Xander looked at his pocket watch and cursed. He was gonna be soo late. Too late to arrive without a decent excuse. If it had been Anya, or Cordy, he would have blamed it on vampires. One pesky little blood sucker and cornered him and he'd had been forced to slay it.

Thus, making the world a little safer. But Piper didn't know anything about vampires, demons, or the forces of evil. And he thanked his lucky stars every night for that. Not wanting her door darkened with the fiends of hell. But it meant he had to come up with another excuse.

I ran out of gas see, and then the 'Full N Go' was also out of gas, so I had to run around time trying to find a place that wasn't on empty due to this sudden and unheard of to everyone but 'me' gas shortage. But I finally did, so let’s go eat? Yeah, and after she slammed the door in his face, the perfect excuse would probably come to him.

But it was better then the truth.

'Why am I late you ask? Oh well, I was thinking about the first time we met, when he both got shit faced and went to your house and fucked like randy rabbit. And I couldn't help myself, just thinking about your warm sweet fuck box, I just had to jerk off before arrive. Forgive me?'

Naaaaaaw. Better to lie and say I ran out of gas.

Though, if he played his cards right there was a good chance Piper would take him into the women's bathroom at the restaurant and give him a hummer. And he'd lick his way all the way up hew heel, and end up between those sweet pale thighs of hers.

God, they could 'both' be such horn dogs.

But the last thing he needed right now was seeing Prue's less then friendly face snorting at his gas excuse, or making yet another rude remark. God, she was such a stone hearted bitch.

And 'god motherfucking damnit,' there was a vampire pulling a women into an ally way just off the freeway.

Xander growled as he pulled off the street, and hopped out of his car. Grabbing a cross and stake from the 'false' floor board in the back seat. Guess that whole killing a pesky blood sucker thing was gonna be true after all. Not that he'd tell her that one either.

Oooooh, this vamp was soooo gonna get it.


"I can't believe your gonna wear that under your dress!" Phoebe's voice sounded truly scandalized.

But Piper just shrugged it off, "I don't know what you mean. I'm not wearing 'anything' under my dress." She reasoned, wondering where Phoebe of all people got off on playing the prude.

"That’s exactly what I mean. You, Piper Halliwell, going bareback to a fancy dinner?" The youngest sister joked. "You’re all grown up and randy, I'm sooooo proud." She giggled before getting slapped in the shoulder playfully.

"Cut it out. Your gonna make me blush, and its going to ruin my colouring." But she did see what her sister meant. Going to a proper dinner with a guy you liked, without any underwear to speck of was something that she didn't usually do.

The young seer sighed though after a moment, "But you are the only one in this house who actually has a boyfriend. I swear, it likes me and Prue are turning into nuns." She said disgusted, and horny.

"Pheebes, I'm pretty sure there’s a nothing in the bible about nun's wearing leather thongs." The young cook reasoned.

"Yeah, yeah. But its not like anyone’s gonna see them any time soon. It’s been well over a month since I got a date. And god knows Prue's about to explode from all her pint up hornyness. I actually saw her looking longingly at one of your cucumbers. Before you cooked it up and tossed it into a pot."

"PHOEBE! I can't believe you said that. God, I'll never be able to cook cucumber soup again without that image in my head." But the youngest Halliwell just gave her most cheeky smile.

And the rest of the time between joking and waiting for her date to arrive would have been spent like this, if a certain demon hadn't decided to be an ass.

The warlock 'blinked' into the manor, not five feet away from the two giggling witches, and tossed an energy ball directly in their direction. But thankfully to Phoebe's quick reflexes, she was able to push herself and her sister out of the path before it could strike.

Piper was jarred from her fall to much to realise all she needed to do was 'freeze' the creature.

Phoebe on the other hand, the sister without the active power jumped up from her place on the floor and nailed the demon between the legs with a powerful kick that sent its demonic ass reeling backwards. That is, while it cried out and held it’s self.

Hearing the commotion, Prue ran down the hall to find her youngest sister getting up off the floor, and an obvious warlock whining a few feet away from her.

"Prue! Demon!"

"Gotcha." She called out, before unleashing her power and sending the warlock backwards and through the second floor window at the end of the hall.

"Pheebs! Grab a potion and meet me down stairs, hurry!" She shouted out before turning around and heading down the stairs. Phoebe nodding behind her, heading for the attic, and Piper finally exiting her sister's bedroom.


Xander Harris was really regretting his choice in playing the 'brave night in shining armour' at the moment, as the big meat hook the vampire referred to as his hand reared back and sent him flying with a devastating uppercut.

The creature was fully vamped out, and if he was willing to place money on it, newly risen.

Which meant two things, one he wasn't a master vampire and more then likely had little or no actual fighting experience, and two the creature wasn't thinking clearly yet. It was still in the 'crash, kill, destroy' portion of his new un-life.

The lone Scooby spat out a mouth full of blood, and ducked under a poorly executed right cross. And with a start, he realised that he'd probably whip 'Mr. I'm-newly-dead-but-still-damn-near-7ft-tall's-ass'.

That is, as long as he stayed well out of the reach of this guys fists.

"Hey, you ugly SOB, you mother hits harder then that." He told the creature with a laugh, and was rewarded with the vampire growling in outrage before trying and failing another ‘fists of fury’ combo.

For an un-dead guy, he was really slow.

But enough toying around with this guy, time to end it. "Come here buddy, I got a surprise for ya." Xander taunted, before pulling out his stake.

"Hell, I'll make it easy for you, pal. I'll stand right here and wait on your fat a...HHH!" His blast of humour towards the demon was rewarded with the tall vampire getting in a lucky shot. That tossed the Scooby back almost ten feet.

God damn it X-man, now was sooooo not the time to be toying with big dumb and ugly.

That undead bastard might be stupid and slower then maple syrup flows up hill, but he could still hit like a mother fucker.

"Not so damn funny now, are ya lunchbox?" The creature said with a sneer. Showing off his new and grimy looking fangs. "You know ‘pal’; you look good enough to..."

"Eat?" Xander interrupted. "God, newly dead, and you’re already buying into the company spiel. Could you be anymore pathetic?"

And the fight would have ended their, since the dark haired young vampire hunter had finally decided to just kill the bastard already. But as luck would have hit, the vamp saw someone he'd much rather bite across the street.

And it took of running.

Straight towards Piper's house, which he hadn't realised he'd been so close too. "SHIT!”


The demon landed face first into the green turf from yet another one of Prue's well placed telekinetic tosses.

It took a moment to spit out the grass from its mouth, "Damned witch! I'll peel of your skin before I steal your powers." He through a bright blue energy ball in the lead witches’ direction, hoping it would reach its destination.

Only to have those hopes turned a sunder, when Prue simply made a gesture with her hands, and sent the energy ball into the paved ground.

"Phoebe! Piper! Get your asses down here, NOW!"

There was movement across the street, but she couldn't worry about that now. This little rotten pill of shit and entered her home, attacked her sisters, and there was no way in hell it was gonna escape.

And in her mood, she almost missed it as the demon blinked out of her sight, only to appear right beside her.

Grabbing her up in its arms, he turned to the last to witches, who were just now making an appearance. "Fools! Did you think it was going to be that easy to defeat me?!? Your powers will belong to me!"

Seeing Phoebe's look, Prue nodded and elbowed the warlock in his gut. Making him loose his grip so she could drop to the ground, and let her younger sister's powerful spinning heel kick do its business.

Groaning from the ground, she called out to them, "You'd better have that potion ready. This guy is really starting to piss me off."

Piper nodded, "Here! Phoebe, turn this bastard around and I'll.....No wait! Look out!!" She shouted.

As a 'really' big man shaped shadow crossed the street and slammed its massive shoulder into her little sister's back. Causing her to cry out, and be knocked to the ground 'many' feet away.

"Just throw the damned thing already!" Piper's eldest sister screamed, but she was torn.

Because of not just the ugly thing that had just hit her little sister, but also because her date was here. And he was headed her way. And how the hell was she gonna explain a demon being vanquished right in front of him?

"God damn it Piper, throw the fucking potion!"

"I....I can't!"

Because that really big bastard was right on our demon, and ass hole or not, he'd probably end up going poof too if she through the potion.

But the choice was taken out of her hands, as the warlock created a ball of energy in its hands, and reared back, its sights set on Phoebe. Who was still out cold from being hit a little whole ago.

"Fuck!" She cursed before throwing the potion.

Which made the warlock vanish in a screaming pillar of fire. Only to have the big ugly guy look towards Phoebe with a hungry gaze, and smacking lips over it’s.... SHIT FANGS!

"It’s another demon, Prue! We only made one vanquishing potion."


"Dirty, no good, blood sucking asshole!" Xander growled while running across the street, and spying his prey slamming his shoulder into his girl friend's little sister. How the fuck and I gonna explain this? His mind wondered.

And who the hell was that guy who'd been holding Prue?

Not being able to spare a moment to look at Piper, and not wanting to see the look on her face when he shoved his stake through this bastard's heart, he leaped forward.

Only to see the monster's back. Its entire un-dead mind was squarely focused on the downed Halliwell sister.

"Hey fuck face; I got a gift for ya!" And he drove the stake home. Only to see the damnedest thing, as the guy the sister's were arguing with burst into flames.


Prue got ready to unleash another throw with her TK, at the dentally challenged demon. Only to watch her sister's boyfriend stab it in the back with a hunk of wood, and watch the critter go poof, in a pile of dust.

Xander, Piper, Prue, and Phoebe who'd woken up to witness the last moments of the fight just looked at one another. That is, until she put into words what they were all thinking.

"What the fuck?"

Hope you all liked it. Not NC-17, but I think I made up for that in disturbing visual images. And still, Xander/Piper love!

): )

The End

You have reached the end of "Frog legs, or no Frog legs.". This story is complete.

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