Disclaimer: I do not own either The Simpsons or BtVS and I am making no money from the publication of this story.
This is a one shot story and is not connected to any of my other stories. In fact I’m not entirely certain what it is connected to. I think I need to run a tox screen on the water around here.
BtVS – Post season seven
The Simpsons – None really. What are they up to now? Season forty or fifty.
“Who the devil are you?” the old man asked the young blonde woman who had the audacity to ring his doorbell.
“Buffy Summers,” the woman answered. “I’m looking for a … C. Montgomery Burns. Would that be you?”
“Of course I’m Montgomery Burns,” Mr. Burns snarled. “Now go away. I don’t buy Girl Scout Cookies.”
“I don’t sell Girl Scout Cookies,” Buffy replied with a smile. “I’m here about an old debt. You purchased an ‘Orb of Methuselah’ from the Watchers Council eighty one years ago.”
“What about it?” Mr. Burns demanded.
“You still haven’t paid for it,” Buffy said.
“Well of course not,” Mr. Burns said. “It doesn’t work.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow. “Says the 104 year old man who according to our records owns the most accident prone nuclear power plant in the world, has been buried under a mountain, shot, fallen from hundreds of feet onto concrete, drowned, set on fire and who knows what else.”
“I’m telling you the Orb doesn’t work,” Mr. Burns said. “I will not pay for defective merchandise.”
“Riiigght,” Buffy replied in a slow voice. “Look, the Council has been very polite about all this. It’s not like we don’t have time to collect. But you see recent events have kinda put our finances under a serious strain. So we’ve decided to collect on all these past due accounts. I’m going to be reasonable and waive the interest if you pay today. A straight one million and I’m gone.”
“What are you talking about?” Mr. Burns said in mock indignation. “I don’t have that kind of money. I swear I barely have a nickel to my name. Now get off my property!”
“Mr. Burns,” Buffy said, her voice suddenly becoming slightly menacing. “The choice here is pretty simple. You can either pay for the Orb or return it. Immediately.”
“I see,” Mr. Burns replied. “Then you leave me no choice. Smithers!”
“Yes Sir,” a man popped up behind Mr. Burns.
“Release the hounds.”
“Right away Sir,” Smithers replied as he pressed a button next to the door.
From behind Buffy came sound of barking and snarling dogs coming ever closer. Much to Mr. Burns surprise however, the young woman seemed to show no fear. She simply turned and cocked her head slightly as the hounds approached.
Then to both Mr. Burns and Smithers amazement the hounds simply stopped, gave Buffy an appraising look, lowered their heads and then turned and headed back to their kennel.
She turned back to Mr. Burns and Smithers and gave them both a big smile. “Mr. Burns, I really don’t have time for this. What’s it going to be? The money or the Orb?”
“Well, I never expected the Council to actually send the Chosen One,” Mr. Burns said with a measure of respect. “Please come in. Let me get my checkbook.”
“We’d prefer a wire transfer,” Buffy said. “You can cancel a check. And then I’d just have to come back. We can do it right from your computer.”
“Com-pu-tor?” Mr. Burns slowly sounded out each syllable. Suddenly he perked up a bit. “Oh yes the device that combines the picto-tube with the auto-typesetting machine. Smithers, see too it at once.”
“Anything for you Mr. Burns.”
“Here’s the information,” Buffy said handing Smithers a piece of paper. Smithers nodded and headed off.
“Please, make yourself at home,” Mr. Burns said motioning for Buffy to sit down. “So, the Chosen One graces Springfield with her presence. This is unprecedented.”
“We had a demon report in town,” Buffy said. “So Giles figured we’d kill two birds with one stone.”
“A demon?” Mr. Burns said. “In Springfield? There hasn’t been a demon in Springfield since the great flood of ‘33,” Mr. Burns leaned back with a wistful look on his face. “I made a fortune selling log rafts, one log at a time.”
Buffy smirked. “From what Giles and Willow could figure out from reading news reports there’s two of them. An Ogre of some kind. Large, eats everything in sight. And some kind of Chaos demon, probably centered near the grade school. That place has more bizarre accidents than a Hellmouth.”
Smithers returned to the room. “All done Mr. Burns.”
“Let me just check in,” Buffy said pulling out a cell phone and hitting the speed dial. “Wills, Buffy … Burns’ aide says the money’s been transferred can you check … Thanks I’ll wait … All there. Perfect … Talk to you later Wills.”
“Satisfied?” Mr. Burns asked.
“Yes Mr. Burns,” Buffy said as she rose from her seat. “I believe that concludes our business.”
“Excellent,” Mr. Burns said. “Enjoy your Slaying.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said as she left the house.
She was so going to get even with Giles for this. She wanted to cut back on the Slayage now that there were tons of Slayers around. But, well, the whole stupid destiny and duty thing kept her from just quitting. So Giles convinced her to help ‘close out’ some of the Councils old business.
At least the next stop couldn’t get any worse, Buffy thought.
Something about some real estate owned by the Bluth family.
A/N – I have no idea where this came from. Perhaps I should start taking my medication again.