Early in the Morning
Disclaimer: I own nothing featured in this story. If you have some proof that indicates that I have enough money to purchase Buffy or Early Edition tell me so that I may do so.
Summary: Once everyone gets settled in Cleveland Xander gets the daily paper a day early. Cross with Early Edition.
Authors Notes: I am writing this because of the great response I got for the Early Edition drabble in 10 Things Xander Never Did. This is proof that I do what my fans want me to do, even if it takes some time.
Author Notes 2: 'blah' is the parrot, "blah" is people/demons.
"Ah 7:00 am, time for sleepy," said Xander as he dragged himself to his bed. After the day, and night, Xander had just survived he deserved a good days sleep, but unfortunately no one told the delivery boy.
'Awk! Wake up pirate boy.'
Xanders only response to the obnoxious wake up call was to throw a shoe towards the offending noise. His sleep deprived brain probably assumed it was simply his alarm clock, because if he knew what was really making the noise, he would have used a gun.
'Awk! Nice try one eye, now wake up!' squawked a typical looking parrot as it landed on Xanders head.
"Gah!" cried Xander as he his mind was snapped fully awake.
'Bout time you woke up boy-o, now listen up because you got-hey!' screeched the parrot as it dodged the dagger Xander had thrown at it.
"Die demon parrot thing!" screamed Xander as he searched for more weapons.
'Not. A. Demon!' the parrot almost snarled as it flew into Xanders face. 'Now read the paper I left for you already!'
When Xander saw that the paper was close to his weapons chest he didn't argue. It wasn't like the demonic bird would be able to leave with a house full of Slayers ready to pluck and roast the annoying feather duster.
"Private school blown up at 7:50 am... innocent young girls killed... gas leak... no survivors... Hey this is our school, what kind of joke is this?!"
'Awk! No joke Long John, check the date.'
"September 30th? But that's tomorrow," said a confused Xander.
'Meaning the school goes boom at 7:50 today, so get a move on already!'
Xander started moving before he even thought of questioning the parrot. The paper had said it was a gas leak, something he could easily prevent by shutting off the gas in the basement. Of course if the parrot was wrong a house full of super powered teenaged girls were going to kill him for taking away their heat, but it was probably best not to dwell on that.
What Xander saw when he reached the basement in no way, shape, or form resembled a gas leak. In fact Xander would say it looked like two very large demons planting something that was screaming explosive device on the furnace.
"Every Slayer in this house that doesn't want to get blown up get down to the basement now!" screamed Xander in a voice he would later insist was a manly bellow and not a girlish scream.
Of course while this alerted most of the mystically empowered females in the house of the danger, it also alerted the large demons of his presence. Normally this wouldn't be too much of a problem as seven years fighting on the mouth of hell had given him a fare idea of how to defend himself from most creatures, but he had weapons then, weapons he didn't bring for a simple gas leak. This revelation occurred to Xander exactly one tenth of a second before a particularly large hand sent him flying across the basement.
"Crap," moaned Xander as he picked himself up off of the flour. Right after he unclogged the sink he was so installing hidden weapon compartments in every freaking room in the building.
Luckily for him he would live to unclog the sink and install the weapon compartments because at that time a dozen Slayers came down into the basement, and they brought weapons with them. Heck some of the Sunnydale survivors still slept with axes under their pillows. Not of the good in the long run, but very appreciated when said axes were slicing through demonic flesh that had tried to break every bone in his body.
"Okay everyone great job," said Xander as the skull of the second demon was split like a ripe melon. "Now everyone except Vi and Rona do a room by room sweep of the house to make sure there aren't any more hiding."
"What are we going to be doing?" asked Vi.
"You get to learn how to disarm a bomb," said Xander with a smile on his face.
"Why am I suddenly having flashbacks to Lethal Weapon 3?" muttered Rona in a nervous tone.
Some time later Xander was rummaging around his room, looking for a particular annoying feather duster, but could only find a paper that was now missing a headline about blown up schools. Then again maybe it just wasn't front page news anymore.
Moaning about how this was probably the lamest power in the history of powers Xander sat down on his bed and began to scan the headlines. He only needed to know abut the school, the rest didn't concern him.
Three muggings, four fires, two cases of idiots leaving their guns where their kids could get to them, and one attempted murder later Xander was able to drag himself into the house just as the sun was setting. Of course something much more evil and dangerous awaited him at home.
"Hey Xander ready to patrol with the girls tonight?" asked a far too happy Willow.
"Can't, demonic newspaper has sucked all the energy from my body," said Xander as he collapsed on a nearby couch.
"Demonic newspaper?" asked Willow.
"Here," said Xander as he threw the newspaper at his best friend. "Work your mojo on it, have Buffy work her slayage upon it, just keep it away from me."
"I'm afraid that isn't possible," said a man in a bowler hat that wasn't standing between Willow and himself a moment ago.
'Awk! Yo ho ho Long John,' squawked a familiar parrot punched on the mans shoulder.
"Oh crap, an Angel fill that has a stupid hat instead of a gallon of hairspray," said Xander.
"I understand you reaction to my sudden appearance, but I must ask you to be civilized for a bit longer," said the man.
"Let me save you some trouble. You're the man that sent cat bait to give me the paper right?" said Xander.
"Yes," said the man.
"You are also a very powerful supernatural being that is giving me a destiny right?" said Xander.
"Yes," said the man.
"Sorry, I'm busy now, you should have tried seven years ago," said Xander.
"Are you quite through?" asked the man.
"For now, but I reserve the right to insult you and the parrot the second you attempt to make me you butt monkey," said Xander in a serious tone. Of course the mood said tone set was ruined the second Willow broke out giggling.
"Very well, lets get on with this again. You said we should have contacted you seven years ago. In all honesty you would have started receiving the paper five years ago on your eighteenth birthday if you would have lived anywhere but Sunnydale," said the man.
"Okay now you've lost me," said Xander.
"Oh come now, you learned about who the founder of the town really was. There were only a dozen deaths that actually made it to the local paper beyond the obituaries that were posted three days after the fact," said the man. "Your next Mayor was just as bad too; she had planed to sacrifice the entire town to Cthulhu in a couple of years."
"Okay I'm guessing by the way Willow is surpassing a vamp in paleness that would be a very bad thing," said Xander.
"Indeed," said the man. "At any rate I just wanted you to know that the paper is simply a heads up. It won't tell you who to save or how, that part is up entirely to you, so you still have free will. Also your duties with the paper will now conflict with your fight against the supernatural. If ever there is a time where the world will end because you weren't in the fight, you won't get a newspaper that day."
"Because there wouldn't be a newspaper place to make it the next day if the world ends," said Xander as his exhausted brain called up his geek logic.
"Precisely," said the man with a nod of his head. "Is there anything else you would like me to explain before I take my leave?"
"Why the parrot?" asked Xander.
"Because my son likes pirates," said the man just before he disappeared.
Five city blocks away a demon started packing his bags. Its reasons for leaving were simple, it thought that any creature that could scream with that much rage was bound to be too dangerous to chance meeting.