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Home Delivery, Hellmouth Style

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Summary: This is a ficlet that may turn into a series. - humor

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > GeneralMarcDFR151621021,6816 Feb 066 Feb 06No
author: mjd
disclaimer: I own none of these characters, and I don't want any of the ones you can't identify

The first part, in this series of ficlets, is based off of a joke I heard on the radio last Friday. I think I may start a series of similar events, if anyone wants to join in, please let me know...I’m sure we can work something out.

Sorry...forgot to put this in before...this first chapter has no cross...future chapters will have crosses (some...perhaps not all) but I *will* tell you what the cross is for each ficlet in this series...should I indeed continue it...and again...if others wish to join in on the fun, drop me a line



Xander groused to himself as he made his way down the driveway. His two boxes of ‘band candy’ bars were snuggled away in his backpack.

Principal Snyder had made it clear what the consequences would be if he, or most of the other students on his ‘shit list’, which was basically everyone who wasn’t a jock or a 'cordette', would be for failing to sell his ‘fair allotment.’ Hell, he already had two lifetimes worth of detention, he wasn’t sure what the troll would do, but decided to err on the side of caution, at least on this occasion.

He sighed to himself as he reached the door. He figured most other students were simply having their parents purchase a box or two of the candy bars. He figured that telling his parents the center of the candy bars were filled with booze might ignite their inebriated interest, though, knowing them, they’d simply take the bars, and he would be stuck trying to figure out how to pay for them.

He knocked on the door and had to wait a few moments for someone to come and answer the door.

He blinked owlishly trying to figure out if what he was seeing was real, or some sort of hallucination. After shaking his head a few times, the image remained, telling him that this was real.

In front of him was a young boy, no older than 12. He seemed to be wearing one of his mother’s dresses, complete with high heels. The kid had actually put on some make-up and lipstick.

Upon looking further, Xander realized that the kid had a bottle of booze wrapped under his arm; the hand of said arm was currently holding a porno magazine.

His eyes widened further as the kid withdrew his hand from the inside door knob. The young boy was holding a lit joint.

Xander blinked a few more times before gaining the coherency needed to actually converse with the young boy.

Putting on his biggest smile, he asked the boy, “Is your Mommy home?”

The kid simply shot him an incredulous look before replying, “What the hell do YOU think?”

Xander flinched back in shock as the door slammed close in his face. Taking a few steps back he looked to his left, and then to his right, trying to see if anyone had noticed what had just happened. Of course, no one was around.

Deciding to just shake it off, and use his considerable willpower to block this experience from his memory, he made his way to the next house on the street.

‘Oh man, I hope they aren’t all like that.’

He almost tripped over his own feet as he realized that he had just thought that while being so close to a Hellmouth.

With a shaky finger, he pressed the doorbell to the house in front of his, wondering, dreading, just what would happen when the homeowner answered.

Something told him, this was going to be a hell of a day.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Home Delivery, Hellmouth Style" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 6 Feb 06.

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